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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
A blessed birthday, dear Sister!
You have shown all the repulsive sinners how a pious life and adherence to God's Will can bring a mere woman to the embrace of Jesus!
1 Chronicles 22:13
Then shalt thou prosper, if thou takest heed to fulfil the statutes and judgments which the LORD charged Moses with concerning Israel: be strong, and of good courage; dread not, nor be dismayed.
As a sign of your blessed day, Jesus Christ our beautiful Savior and the number one enemy of unbelievers, homers, the pope and evolutionary theorists appeared today on the plywood wall of a nearby store.
Glory!
Yours in Christ,
Elmer
2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.
PREPARE YOURSELF TO RAPTURE WITH THIS MANUAL!
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Happy Birthday, Sister!God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11Comment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Who is this again? Another spinster?
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!Comment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Happy birthday Mary
1st Corinthians 1:26 For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:Comment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Happy Birthday, Sister. I hope our gift arrived in good time.
Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!Comment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Happy Birthday, Mrs. Etheldreda. I assume you are making a nice dinner for your husband and not gabbing up a storm.
Remember, if it was not for God and your father, you would not be able to serve your husband. You should be on your knees in front of both of them showing them your love.Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.Comment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Have a very happy Birthday, Sister Mary E.!
God created fossils to test our faith.
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My favorite LBC sermons:
True Christians are Perfect!
True Christian™ Love.
Salvation™ made Easy!
You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
God HATES Rational Thinking!
True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.Comment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Thank you dear Sister in Christ! Your image brings a single tear to my eye. It reminds me of the beauty of the soul of the Sweet Infant Jesus (although, now I'm not sure if Jesus has a soul, because, well, who would have given it to him? Do you think God did when He miraculously fertilized Mary's egg, or did He already have it coming into the bargain, or does Jesus even have a soul at all? How can a god have a soul if He existed before Adam and Eve? But if Jesus doesn't have a soul, then how does He know how we feel? When we cry ourselves to sleep at night, does He care? But He does, I'm sure He does, because I feel it in my soul, unless... my soul is mistaken? Oh I'm just not sure what to think any more and my single tear is gone and now I'm just confused and I feel a little irritable, but Thank you for the Birthday Picture!Originally posted by Daisy Mae Johnson View Post
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Glory, indeed!Originally posted by Elmer G. White View Post
Glory!
I LOVE Jesus SO MUCH! I love how He graces us with His presence when we need Him the Most! Someone in that store probably needed to hear His message right then and there, and that's why Jesus came to appear in that humble piece of almost wood! How grateful that individual must feel knowing that over all the world, Jesus chose him or her to appear! Of all the people crying out to Jesus this very hour, the one who gets to see Him face to face (well, almost, I know Paul tells us that's not going to happen literally yet, which is probably why Jesus leaves His picture instead) must be Blessed indeed!Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Thank you, Brother! My birthday is happy indeed! I've been truly blessed to serve the most important people in my world for another day!Originally posted by Alvin Moss View PostHello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Thank you for noticing, Pastor! I've been touched by you and your staff for years! The LORD is watching over you and everyone who walks in your shadow is blessed as a byproduct of His Divine Mercy.
Thank you! I'll have one of my boys send over my Birthday Tithe later this evening, if that isn't too inconvenient.Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Dear sister, today of all days makes it a tad more easy to bring up an important point that I expect many of the congregation have been thinking.
Your age.
I know this is a sticky toffee pudding of a diddly but dare I say that your quiving may be as full as it can get and there can be no reason for Jesus to keep you here, in this cess pool of a fallen world with all of it's rapists (anal), bestiality enthusiasts and smut pedlers.
Now as you have not confided in us about any such clarion call to glory such as the cancer, colonic recidivism or third degree post partum haemorrhage I wonder if Mr Etheldrada has anything to worry about.
To put it bluntly, today marks yet another year where your good husband could be filling another quiver with his virile manseed to pregestate nascent Soldiers for Christ but you are still here.
Can Mr Etheldrad by sure of your Godliness when you have not given him spawn in nearly 10 months (by your physician's records as he explained to me over 18 holes the other week)?
Your physician assures me that you have no major ills or ailments (he showed my the records himself and you must thank Mr Etheldra for signing the concent forms for me to see your records) (although you may need to avoid spicy foods until that rash goes) so why has Jesus not called you to His muscular bosom?
A tricky question and you will know that Mr Etheldrada is far too much of a gentleman to raise this issue to you privately so I've taken it on myself to wonder, if tangentially, whether you can provide a reason for the above suppositions in no uncertain terms to the effect of (as impositionatory as it may be) and not withstanding reasonable logical explanations (as such quite apart from a Biblical answer) why you are still alive?
But it's your day today, so many happy returns!
YIC1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.
Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.Comment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Thank you, Mr. Tobias. The LORD has blessed me richly! I shall keep you in my prayers so that the LORD may be persuaded to bless you, too.Originally posted by Brother Tobias View PostHappy birthday Mary
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!
Oh thank you, dear Sister! I received this most wonderful gift this very morning, and I haven't taken it off yet! I really do love cooking with Jesus! I love cooking with Him, and sewing with Him, and cleaning with Him, and reading to the children with Him, and sweeping with Him, and washing out the dog's dish with Him, and folding the clean diapers with Him, and preparing new family cloths with Him, and marinating the steak for dinner with Him, and cleaning behind the toilet with Him, and flossing my teeth with Him, and weeding the garden with Him, and taking the children to the dentist with Him, and wiping down the windows with Him, and taking the kitchen garbage to the trash can with Him, and making the beds with Him, and spraying the spiders in the garage with Him, and dusting the nick nacks with Him, and cleaning the cat box with Him, and applying my mascara with Him, and getting the bits of eggs off the frying pan with Him, and well, everything I do, I do with my LORD so He is never hanging on the Cross alone (you know, because He exists outside space and time now, and so is hanging on the Cross even as He is sitting in Glory, because physics don't apply to Jesus, although I'm not sure because I'm not a scientist or anything, but it makes the most sense to me that way and besides, when I pray, He doesn't change my opinion, so I'm sure I'm right in that).Originally posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View PostHappy Birthday, Sister. I hope our gift arrived in good time.
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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