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Straight 4 Jesus! (Back Door Christians) At LBC, we will cure your perversion of choice (even if we have to stone you).

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Old 12-24-2014, 03:17 AM
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Default The British Homer Christmas Gift: A Bronze Bunghole!

THIS has made both Jesus and I sick to our stomachs. It seems that the modern day queer has found a newer and better way to offend Christ and all He stands for.

Warning: This article is written in British. The JesOS© Translator is available for all True Christians™.


Quote:
Say it with a ring: give your loved one a bronze arsehole for Christmas

It’s not what it looks like! All right: it is a bit what it looks like. I did whip my knickers off for a photographer and let strange men tamper with my bumhole. But they told me it was ‘art’!

‘There’s something beautiful about your anus,’ says the man who’s set to make a model from my bum. But… but… how does he know? At this stage we’re still on a sofa, chatting. I’ve still got my trousers on! ‘I mean the anus in general,’ he says. ‘Remove it from the rest of the body and it could be a piece of coral. Or a flower.’

A lot is explained by the beauty he finds in booty. Magnus Irvin, along with business partner Michael Ritzema, is Edible Anus. Primarily artists, they’ve also spent the last decade making bumholeshaped luxury Belgian chocolates. The chocs have been ordered by Graham Norton, Stephen Fry, The Scissor Sisters and other people who aren’t gay celebs. So far, they’ve all come from the same anus – that of a woman who let Irvin mould her back passage after they met at a bus stop. Now, having seen demand for their products grow year on year, the pair are offering a solid bronze cast of your own personal anus at £1,200 a poop. Sorry, a pop.

But what do you do with a bronze bumhole? ‘People give them as gifts,’ says Ritzema. Really? When I offered my bumhole to my mum she cackled like a pissed hyena. ‘It’s meant to be funny,’ Irvin adds. ‘If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t do it.’

Well, it certainly helps if you have a sense of humour about it. As I prepare to have my own cast made, I’m handed a pot of Vaseline and told: ‘Go and grease your arse.’ A quick trip to the loo later, I’m pointed to a medical-style couch and made to lie on my back and curl my knees towards my face in a position that’s part gymnastic accident, part nightmarish Customs and Excise investigation.

Still, my worries are slightly allayed by the fact that this man is a professional. ‘Oh no, you’re only the second person I’ve done this to,’ says Irvin. What? ‘Well I did myself too, but all the gel started running down my nuts on to my face.’

Oh Jesus.

Irvin vanishes behind me with a jug full of the same alginate gel that dentists use to make moulds of your mouth. It looks like lumpy WKD. Suddenly my bumhole feels very, very cold. (‘Sorry! It doesn’t work with warm water!’) I lie there, waiting for it to solidify. Soon it’s time to see what we’ve got. ‘This may feel a little creepy,’ says Irvin, and there’s a weird sensation of custard being scooped out of my backside.

Five minutes later, I’m staring at a lurid blue mountain range created from my bum fold. It’s currently the inverse of my delicate bits, though, so to turn it into an exact replica – which they then send to a foundry to be cast in bronze – plaster of Paris is poured over it. It sets, Irvin breaks it open and my plaster butthole reveals itself to the room. ‘Beautiful,’ sighs the PR lady. ‘Ooh!’ coos Ritzema. And, well, I guess it doesn’t look so bad. Sort of like a scallop, or something. ‘It’s not so ugly, is it?’ Irvin asks. I guess not. From now on, I’m referring to it as my ‘arthole’.
What other abominations can the radical queers come up with?
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Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Old 12-24-2014, 05:31 AM
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Jim Farmer Jim Farmer is offline
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Default Re: The British Homer Christmas Gift: A Bronze Bunghole!

Well, there is an "art installation" made for lesbians. For obvious reason, I can't post it here, but I will post a link for those who wish to see how utterly depraved and abominable they can be. Click here for research purposes only
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Old 12-24-2014, 12:31 PM
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Default Re: The British Homer Christmas Gift: A Bronze Bunghole!

Oh my word, I am going to need some brain bleech after that. Just...no.
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Old 12-26-2014, 08:21 AM
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Default Re: The British Homer Christmas Gift: A Bronze Bunghole!

For a moment, I thought someone sculpted a statue of Saul Alinsky.
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Old 01-02-2015, 05:41 AM
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Default Re: The British Homer Christmas Gift: A Bronze Bunghole!

Disgusting but not shocking. The Germans make cakes that look like them.

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Old 01-02-2015, 05:57 AM
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Default Re: The British Homer Christmas Gift: A Bronze Bunghole!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Virginia D. Templeton View Post
Disgusting but not shocking. The Germans make cakes that look like them.

That diarrhoea is pretty disgusting too. Haven't the Germans heard about toilet paper?
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Old 01-02-2015, 06:12 AM
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Default Re: The British Homer Christmas Gift: A Bronze Bunghole!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Farmer View Post
That diarrhoea is pretty disgusting too. Haven't the Germans heard about toilet paper?
Apparently toilet paper is illegal there.

Quote:
The 61-year-old man, identified only as Manfred van H., was given a one-year jail sentence, suspended for five years, and ordered to complete 300 hours of community service, a district court in the western German town of Luedinghausen ruled.
...

Manfred van H. printed out sheets of toilet paper bearing the word "Koran" shortly after a group of Muslims carried out a series of bomb attacks in London in July 2005. He sent the paper to German television stations, magazines and some 15 mosques.
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