This started as a reply to Toys God Hates
but I went into a bit of a rant and started on a whole new subject: let's talk about good toys, the type Jesus approves of.
Anyway, I started writing this when I discovered that unsaved trash seem to have infilitrated into LBC Sunday School. My daughter related to me the story of a child who undressed dolls and action figures, which is worrysome by itself, but the child also commented on the lack of anatomy possessed by said dolls and action figures. It's clear this child must have recieved some form of sex education from some source. Someone must have failed to leash their child, and allowed their child to wander into a public school or library. Total lack of discipline. Remember people, when you give your child the belt, you have to use the metal part!
But my story gets worse. Before you read on, I urge you to clear the room of any children, women, people with heart problems and unsaved persons).
This deviant hellspawn not only undressed the dolls, but also must have pretended to make them, shall we say, interact. I know this because my child recreated the scene in my own home, to my urging. My child did not come up with such degenerate ideas, all channels on the TV other than Fox News are blocked out and I can assure you the only books I have in my house are my ten copies of the Bible, my Soldier of Fortune Magazines, and my Ken Starr Report.
A while ago we had a national campaign to boycott the makers of undressable dolls and action figures, whatever happened to that?
It's unbelievable that the government doesn't do something about this epidemic. I mean, go figure, big brother is so powerful the government can regulate everything about toys (as an enterpreneur I have a long list of horror stories
) yet they won't lift a finger to protect America's Children from the scourge of undressable dolls. I mean, I can understand that any child that undresses a doll is probably already destined for hell, and probably were headed irridemably to hell since they were fetuses (in fact, half of all conceptions are killed by God because they are already irredemable sinners at that age
), but what if a child accidentally disrobed one? Why, I used to play "Napalm the Vietnamese
" with a match and my mother's hairspray, what if I accidentally burned the clothes off one, just like that napalmed kid in that hilarious video they used to show on the news?
I never accidentally undressed any of my sisters dolls (my mother stapled the clothes down very well
), of course, because if it did I would have been scarred for life and should have been put out of my misery.
THIS, not airports (allowing guns on planes would clean up that nonsense overnight
) not tobacco, or guns and so on and so on is what the government should be regulating.
By the way, when I grew up the first thing I did was make a business selling "Napalm the Vietnamese"
sets and the big government banned them. A bunch of libs get all huffy and started claiming that they were a "fire hazard
" or something. Nonsense. I played that game and I never set myself on fire.
I tried to design playgrounds to go in fast food restaurants. A bunch of socialists started whining about wah wah wah protuding nails, wah wah wah my kid caught tetnus, well if you have lockjaw why are you still whining, huh? I mean, some kid gets the snuffles and they want to send you to the gillotine.
I tried to make Vlad the Impaler toys (just add chipmunks
!) but the government claimed that kids might hurt their eyes with the spikes. I mean, Jesus HIMSELF said you're better off without eyes, because eyes just cause you to commit adultry in your heart. I did those playtester kids a FAVOR. (*I went off on a tangent at this point. It's at the bottom of the post
So go figure, the omnipotent government has this much totalitarian control over law abiding Christians, yet will it lift a finger to save our children from the epidemic of undressable dolls?
I have come up with a solution: first, we must eliminate dolls, action figures (except for their wonderful little guns
) and such toys from sunday school. In fact, because the devil is endlessly creative and can always surprise us with new evils, we should stick with the one toy I have seen playtested over and over with no ill effects.
I'm talking about the English Toys Cherries Frieze Noah's Ark which can be purchased here
This toy should be considered a badge of entry. We could hire a bully to act as a "bouncer" to keep dolls out, and ensure that every child that enters has remembered to bring an English Toys Cherries Frieze Noah's Ark.
This scale model is accurate down to every detail, every animal God ever created is included in the set: "Animals: Crocodiles, horses, cow & bull, giraffes, dromedaries, polar bears, lion & lioness, hippos, elephants, ducks, seals and Mr & Mrs Noah."
I don't know if they are fireproof, so when my child wants to recreate the burned offerings Noah made after leaving the ark, I just give her an old goldfish or mouse from a mousetrap. God is pleased by the scent of burning meat, it doesn't matter what in particular it comes from.
It's only about $4000 at current exchange rates and anyone who can't spend that on a toy either needs to learn about enterprise and hard work, or pray more so they can find out why God hates them.
It turns out that the board game "RISK" is a serperb geo-political strategy simulator, so realistic that the Bush administration uses it to make decisions. From "Air Force One: A History of the Presidents and Their Planes" by Kenneth T. Walsh:
Another innovation is Bush's interest in the board game Risk, in which players amass armies and try to conquer the world. En route home from Europe in July 2001, Bush supervised a particularly competitive game. The president encouraged each participant to take the biggest risks possible and to attack each other mercilessly. At one point, he goaded his military aide, supposedly an expert on military maneuvers and strategy, to take some chances. When he did so and found his armies annihilated, Bush teased the aide for being the first to lose...the commander in chief yelled "You're a wimp! Go get 'em."
*The Vlad tangent:
One of my big heros during childhood was a great defender of Christianity, Vlad the Impaler. Although he's a national hero in Romania, not enough children in America have heard about him (thanks a lot public education
Anyway, good ol' Vlad had perfected the art of the war on poverty long before that socialist Lyndon B Johnson stole the term. He invited all the poor of his kingdom to a feast at an old palace of his. Once they were inside, stuffing their gluttonous faces, he locked the doors and set the place on fire. So, instead of having to use taxpayers money to feed greedy freeloaders, he could spend public money on what it was intended for: killing Muslims. One time he stopped an invading Turkish army with a solid wall of impaled people, tens of thousands of them. His impalers were so skilled they could have the greased spike poke out around the neck of the sinner while they were still alive. That's a very difficult feat, as I learned while experimenting on the neibourhood chipmunks, which brings me back to those childhood memories I was talking about.
Of course, just like George Bush I also enjoyed the ol" firecracker in the bullfrog's mouth gag. Really funny when you combine it with the old "frog in the back of a girl's pants" gag. I mean, it was really hard to run away when you kept having to fall over laughing. Good times.