As my wife and I were busy performing the procreative deed, I was channel-hopping as usual and I happened to come across something that scared me half to death.
I was perusing the sports section, as I often do, in search of some manly activity to enjoy and, well, my wife's bobbing head must have obscured my vision because I ended up on channel 219 (the very last sports channel on our cable network).
It was some kind of motorsport. I'm usually more of a wrestling man myself because I find it gets the job done quicker (the job is my wife
) but I thought I'd see what was going on. I'd never seen anything like it before. It was a two-car race between a Subaru Impreza and a Ferrari Enzo. Now, this seemed a little bit odd to me. Men, you'll already know what I'm talking about. Women, this is what a car looks like:
And, women, these two particular aforementioned automobiles are hilariously mismatched:
Notice how one is black and one is blue and also notice how they look not the same.
Okay, now I've brought the women up to speed (puns, eh, men?
), I can carry on with the story.
I thought this oddly mismatched race must've been some kind of exhibition event for charity or something. I didn't recognise the course but it looked to be a proper F1 track they were using. An F1 course featuring a Ferrari and a Subaru? Needless to say, I was somewhat intrigued. So I watched for a while.
The Subaru was cornering nicely and had the kind of handling one would expect from a veteran rally car manufacturer. The Enzo was, expectedly, an absolute beast. As both cars emerged from a set of bends and hairpins with nary a half-second to divide them, they moved out onto the final stretch. The Subaru had been trailing the whole time - but only just, I might add - but on the final straight, the Subaru outpaced
and eventually overtook
the Ferrari! Both cars seemed to be gunning it for all they were worth and the Impreza did the Enzo for pace over 200m on an outside line! This had to be a staged event for some kind of charitable cause or comedy thing, I thought to myself.
Immediately after both cars passed the finishing line, the filming cut away to one of the drivers and what I saw made my, uh, how do I say this delicately? I dropped out of the mission with my wife, I could no longer point in the opposite direction of Mecca (which has long been a tradition in my household), my chores list for the day went uncompleted.. You get the idea.
Here's what I saw:
I was expecting, at the very least, a manly, muscular man dressed in suave, tight-fitting safety gear. But this skinny little fag with his sandals and infertility jeans wasn't even driving a car! He was sitting in a chair consuming potato chips and pretending to drive the whole time! He was playing a video game called "Forza Automobile Racing Formula 1 Fastest Lap Challenge Final 2017". I tell you, this kid wouldn't survive a minute on a wrestling show because I would flip the channel rather than watch this nubile, twig-like skeleton roll around on the floor with another man. (If you can call this one a man..)
In a fit of rage, I wrote to the network responsible (which I refuse to name out of principle) and received a reply this morning informing me that what I had suffered was known as "esports" or "electronic sports". In other words, "esports" is the practice of being a sofa vegetable and calling it a sport. Horrified by my discovery, I hopped over to the Google and searched for corroborating evidence to confirm that this wasn't just an elaborate hoax.
To my dismay, it was not. This "esports" thing is "real". Every year, thousands of sub-humans "compete" in "professional" "tournaments" to determine who is the "best" at video games. Sometimes these "tournaments" have huge prize funds. Half a million dollars for playing a game called "LoL"? I have one thing to say to that: LOL.
Google Imagery is full of pictures of these God-mocking pre-op psuedo-men gathering at festivals of sin to celebrate "gaming", which is apparently now a viable career choice!
Just look at some of this stuff (WARNING: IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE OR FEMALE, TURN AWAY NOW
(Oh yes, this looks to be a real clash of the titans. I wonder who'll need their inhaler first?)
(I am shocked and saddened to see a manly drink company with two manly beasts clashing horns adorning its logo sponsoring these testosterone-deprived wimps and will certainly be boycotting Red Bull from now on)
(You look at the crowd and you think maybe you're at a boxing ring and then... well, I really have no words to describe this)
This is what the modern day "sports" champion looks like:
This fatty, stumpy gook doesn't even look like he could open that champagne bottle without assistance from his registered carer!
They have tournaments for every kind of sin you could imagine including many of the murder simulators discussed on this very forum. Shooting, fighting and witchcraft are all now encouraged -- but only if you're sitting in a chair!
Worse, they've taken real sports and created computerised versions of them so you can pretend to play real sports while having the motor skills of a downspergers stroke victim. Not only can you piddle on poor Baby Jesus, you can now piddle on real sports too. Or, if you've got a full bladder, you can piddle on sports by pretending to play sports that God hates! Like soccer, which I'm given to understand is going to have some kind of "world" "championship" "final". I hope you will join me in praying for an electrical fire at the "FIFA 2017 Ultimate Futball Team World Championships" next week.
The global feminist conspiracy backed by slants and slit-eyes to emasculate and feminise our men is well and truly working. These little dorks don't know the meaning of Vitamin D or exercise or going outside or NOT USING THE COMPUTER UNTIL YOUR EYES TURN SQUARE. But, most importantly, they don't know the meaning of sports. I won't get all nostalgic on you about how, back in my day, the jocks used to throw a football around and even the nerds used to play about with a soccer ball. All I know is that the times are changing and the Rapture™ can't come soon enough.
Mark my words, God will not stand idly by while we castrate ourselves en masse
. These pasty, frail eunuchs abuse the LORD as they abuse their own bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19-20
). Let us heed the lessons taught in Malachi (Malachi 2:17
) and trust in the LORD to end this insanity. I await a glorious flood or fireball or hurricane or natural
miracle of His choice any day now. I'm ready, God! Shout Glory!