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Exclamation Colonic Demons? - 05-08-2011, 08:36 AM

Friends, have you ever sat yourself down on the toilet to carry out God's will and been overwhelmed by the smell of rotten eggs? It is sulfur.
A clear sign that demons are living in your bottom.

You need to get yourself down to a Bible-believing church, pronto, and get yourself a Jesus enema©

God tells us in Revelation, chapter 14, that he is going to torment people with fire and brimstone. Friends? Do you know what brimstone is? It's sulfur.
Do you know where sulfur is?
It's in the center of the earth, that's where it is.

Yes friends, Hell is real. It's down there and it's gonna get you if you don't accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.

If you've ever read a Harry Potter Book, YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you've ever played a Video game YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you have ever masturbated YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you own a Prius YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you ever voted Democrat YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you ever listened to Celine Dion or Barry Manilow YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you are Canadian YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
Friends, this list just goes on.

We are offering a special deal on our world famous Jesus Enema© right now, right here.
With a full money back guarantee if not satisfied that those pesky Demons have been flushed out.

240,000 people go to Hell every day. That's 158 people a minute.
That's why we have Global warming. So many tortured souls burning in Hell right under those Ice Caps!
Don't be just another statistic.
Book your Jesus Enema© now before it's too late.
Our helpful call center is waiting for your call.
God could come along any minute and kill you right there on the spot.
What then?
I'll tell you what then.
Sure as night becomes day, you're going straight down to Hell.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


JUDGEMENT DAY


"I'll Be Back!!"
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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-08-2011, 09:45 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rapture Eddie View Post

Do you know where sulfur is?
It's in the center of the earth, that's where it is.
Sir forgive my ignorance, but this line makes no sense to me. Do you mean Hell is not beneath our feet but in the center of the world (somewhere like Africa)?
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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-08-2011, 09:50 PM

Quote:
If you've ever read a Harry Potter Book, YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you've ever played a Video game YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you have ever masturbated YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you own a Prius YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you ever voted Democrat YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you ever listened to Celine Dion or Barry Manilow YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
If you are Canadian YOU HAVE COLONIC DEMONS
Friends, this list just goes on.
The second and third are right for me.
How to get free from demons ?
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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-08-2011, 09:55 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Donkey View Post
Sir forgive my ignorance, but this line makes no sense to me. Do you mean Hell is not beneath our feet but in the center of the world (somewhere like Africa)?
Your ignorance has been noted.
Of course it's under the earth, but under the earth somewhere in the center!
Why do you think those places are so hot? You think it's just sunshine that makes it so hot?

Son, are you a Communist?


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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-08-2011, 10:12 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by wasd1984 View Post
The second and third are right for me.
How to get free from demons ?
You need to get booked in with one of our True Christian™ Proctologists as soon as possible.

Isaiah 14:14-16
I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.
Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.
They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and consider thee, saying, Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms;


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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-08-2011, 10:22 PM

Amen Brother Eddie! I can't tell you how many hours I have spent cleaning demons out of nubile young men's rectums! From the boy brothels of Bombay to the sin salons of Singapore, I've called upon the Holy Ghost to keep my resolve ROCK HARD in the saddle. It's a tough, sweaty job but someone's got to do it.

Shout GLORY!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-08-2011, 10:58 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by wasd1984 View Post
The second and third are right for me.
How to get free from demons ?
Let me give you a prime example of Demons in the Rectum:
Preface: Jehoram has upset God, now read on:

2Ch:21:12: And there came a writing to him from Elijah the prophet, saying, Thus saith the LORD God of David thy father, Because thou hast not walked in the ways of Jehoshaphat thy father, nor in the ways of Asa king of Judah,
2Ch:21:13: But hast walked in the way of the kings of Israel, and hast made Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem to go a whoring, like to the whoredoms of the house of Ahab, and also hast slain thy brethren of thy father's house, which were better than thyself:
2Ch:21:14: Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives, and all thy goods:
2Ch:21:15: And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out by reason of the sickness day by day.
2Ch:21:16: Moreover the LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians*:
2Ch:21:17: And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away all the substance that was found in the king's house, and his sons also, and his wives; so that there was never a son left him, save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons.
2Ch:21:18: And after all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable** disease.
2Ch:21:19: And it came to pass, that in process of time, after the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness: so he died of sore diseases. And his people made no burning for him, like the burning of his fathers.

*Darkies
**Very severe – do not delay in seeking out a True Christian Pastor, most normal cases can be cured by prayer.

(terms and conditions apply, M't:22:14: For many are called, but few are chosen. M't:7:21: Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Ensure that you have sufficient insurance, cash or a credit card and someone to help you out of the church. Cleansing of rectal demons is painful and spiritually traumatic to some but doing nothing is not an option. Most staff are fully trained.)




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Smile Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 12:12 AM

I am a bit embarrassed (as all completely straight men are) of being guilty of having demons in my rectum. I spent quite a bit of time in an intervention, locked in a no-name shady motel with a couple of loving Pastors. They spent say and sweaty night, working to pull the demons from my rectum.
I am proud to say I am now demon free and have been for a while. However, I do not take chances and have my rectum checked regularly. This is very important for all males over the age of 17 and should be done several times a year.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 01:40 AM

Do you have a drive- thru clinic ?


Rev 19:11 And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.
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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 01:54 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Donkey View Post
Sir forgive my ignorance, but this line makes no sense to me. Do you mean Hell is not beneath our feet but in the center of the world (somewhere like Africa)?
The world is not a sphere, as we know. Therefore it can have more than one central location. Here are a couple of illustrations which are clear enough concerning the real situation, the Truth revealed by God who created all things.




COLOSSIANS 1
16
For by him were all things created that are in heauen, and that are in earth, visible and inuisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him.
17 And he is before all things, and by him all things consist.

©1611

God by His Word made everything. That is why He knows everything about it, everything that can ever be known, whether we can see it or not.
God has not abandoned us in some enigmatic dark age. He illuminates our understanding by the light of His Word.

JOHN 1:14 And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among vs (& we beheld his glory, the glory as of the onely begotten of the Father) full of grace and trueth.
©1611

When God tells us about the world He has created or about His Plan For Salvation, He is telling the truth. God is not a liar.

JOHN 14:6 Iesus saith vnto him, I am the Way, the Trueth, and the Life: no man commeth vnto the Father but by mee.
©1611

Some people would rather pay attention to their own spurious ideas and ignore God's Truth. They are really worshiping Satan's philosophy in so doing: they might as well worship their own genitals! It's idolatry in any case, but there are many who do prefer lies!

God tells us about people like that, too:

ROMANS 1:25 Who changed the trueth of God into a lye, and worshipped and serued the creature more then the Creatour, who is blessed for euer. Amen.
©1611
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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 01:58 AM

That guy in the banner ad that links to this thread is giving me the CREEPS! He DEFINITELY has demons in his colon! Just look at his EYES!




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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 02:11 AM

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Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
That guy in the banner ad that links to this thread is giving me the CREEPS! He DEFINITELY has demons in his colon! Just look at his EYES!
Awwwww, I feel ssooooooooooo sorry for him!

He needs to get SAVED so he can go to HEAVEN and be with BabyJesus!!

If GOD kills him before he gets those demons out of his behind, he'll for sure end up in HELL!!!





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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 02:17 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
That guy in the banner ad that links to this thread is giving me the CREEPS! He DEFINITELY has demons in his colon! Just look at his EYES!
I must agree with Brother Portway. That man is obviously acutely infected with a raging case of the Sodomania. If any of the Pastors know the identity of that wretched individual, please contact me immediately.

He needs emergency Ex-Gay© treatment as soon as possible. I would agree to wave my standard fee and travel to where ever he might be located. He needs my care, and Brother Portway was correct, you can tell by looking into his pitiful, squinty eyes!


Professor of Creation Science and Flood Geology at Landover Baptist University



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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 02:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Professor Bessemer View Post
I must agree with Brother Portway. That man is obviously acutely infected with a raging case of the Sodomania. If any of the Pastors know the identity of that wretched individual, please contact me immediately.

He needs emergency Ex-Gay© treatment as soon as possible. I would agree to wave my standard fee and travel to where ever he might be located. He needs my care, and Brother Portway was correct, you can tell by looking into his pitiful, squinty eyes!
Yep, he's a fag for sure. If there's one thing I know, it's dudes and if they are the type to pay for a date with a broad like yours truly. And THAT dude wouldn't get near a chick for nothing! Queer as three dollar bill that one, I'm sure of it.





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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 02:25 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
That guy in the banner ad that links to this thread is giving me the CREEPS! He DEFINITELY has demons in his colon! Just look at his EYES!
Indeed he does, Brother!

But it IS an effective ad. I see it brought you here.

I wonder . . . perhaps Landover should run some of these ads on those atheist/secularist websites? Like, say, the Fiendly Atheist, or in Humanist Magazine.

I've heard some of those places offer fairly steep discounts to non-profit organizations, which would include churches. And if they denied Landover the discount, why, that'd be grounds for a lawsuit!



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Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 02:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt. A. Portway View Post
That guy in the banner ad that links to this thread is giving me the CREEPS! He DEFINITELY has demons in his colon! Just look at his EYES!


YES!!!


He is ONE of Them! That Face, He Haunts my Dreams, my DREAMS OF BLOOD!!! He is a DARK ONE, he is not of The Her! He is Of The Shadows! PURE EVIL!!! The HORROR of THAT FACE!!!



His EYES, those Horrible EYES! NO!!! Begone Demon-Filled MONSTER, back to HELL, Back where you Came From! NOW!!! I call on The Lord to CAST YOU INTO The Pit! LEAVE Me Alone, Get out of My HEAD!! NOW!!!





'


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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 10:36 AM

I'm quite worried that it is very likely I've gotten colonic demons in my youth while masturbating.

Is it possible to arrange colonic demon check and cleansing via webcam for those that do not live in Freehold?
If it is possible I'd like to reserve a calling time for that operation.


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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 11:54 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Living_Water View Post
I'm quite worried that it is very likely I've gotten colonic demons in my youth while masturbating.

Is it possible to arrange colonic demon check and cleansing via webcam for those that do not live in Freehold?
If it is possible I'd like to reserve a calling time for that operation.
You need to get in touch with one of our "outreach" Pastors.


JUDGEMENT DAY


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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 03:39 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rapture Eddie View Post
You need to get in touch with one of our "outreach" Pastors.
Other than getting sent to Hell if you die with Demons up your butt, what else do they do up there? Do they have teeth, or are they like ghosts? Can you feel them, all wiggling around and stuff?

As a former working girl, for the right price, a guy could do pretty much whatever he wanted back there, so I'm a bit wore out if you get my meaning. But I don't think anything is actually living up my poop chute. And what about cooter demons?





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Default Re: Colonic Demons? - 05-09-2011, 05:18 PM

Jees, we jist figgured DeWayne had a bout wif worms....shoulda known it was the debil his-self up his butt


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