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Default Advice needed: Wife broke my hand and refuses to apologize! - 02-23-2016, 11:49 PM

God clearly created women to make men suffer.

As even little children know, Genesis 3:16 and Ephesians 5:22-24 teach us that God created women to obey men. So when my wife refused to clean our toilet because "she ran out of paper towels" I tried to give her a well deserved smack on her head. Unfortunately, instead of accepting her well deserved punishment, she ducked away and I broke my hand. My own mistake as I should have followed Proverbs 26:3 which clearly states we should use a rod to beat stupid wives, not our hands. God gave me a well deserved punishment for my mistake there.

But now the worst part: She refuses to apologize! I am perplexed at her willingness to ignore the Holy Bible and thereby dooming herself to the eternal fires of Hell as teached to us by Jesus Himself in John 15:6.

I would appreciate advice of other highly experienced Christian men on what to do next. Please only respond if you are an American. I am not in the mood for hard to understand ignorant racist foreigners. Just spend time on building a wall for keeping yourselves out of America instead.


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Default Re: Advice needed: Wife broke my hand and refuses to apologize! - 02-24-2016, 12:21 AM

I am most terribly sorry to hear of your injury, Brother. Presumably, it was your right hand (the strongest) that was affected. My advice is to give your wife two good smacks with your left hand to make up for the one better smack that she churlishly avoided. Then, as punishment for her sin, give her two or possibly three more good smacks up side the head. After the smacking, have her walk to the store to get more paper towels and then have her give the toilet a good cleaning. Once the toilets have been attended to properly, you may want to hit her with a stick or, if you are tired of smacking, a small pot of boiling water could be thrown on the offender.


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Default Re: Advice needed: Wife broke my hand and refuses to apologize! - 02-24-2016, 01:22 AM

If the left hand isn't up to the job, try giving her a swift kick in the gut. Then when she doubles over you can knee her in the side of the head.


As for toilet washing, I've found that making them do it with their hair every once in a while tones down their vanity and enforces a sense of humility. Perhaps running out of paper towels can be turned into a healing, learning experience for her.


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Default Re: Advice needed: Wife broke my hand and refuses to apologize! - 02-25-2016, 10:30 AM

Who ever heard of running out of paper towels - after all, this isn't that socialist hell hole Venezuela (at least not yet). And what's wrong with just using the dress she is wearing for a rag in a pinch? Doesn't the woman know the first thing about running a household - and why aren't there any paper towels in stock? Time to audit the household allowance account for any irregularities (and it better not be going to buy dresses).


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Default Re: Advice needed: Wife broke my hand and refuses to apologize! - 02-25-2016, 11:14 AM

Unfortunately it has only gotten worse. I did as Brothers Alvin and Des suggested by smacking the side of her head and kicking her in the gut. Now she has blood and puke all over her dress which she refuses to clean!

I explained Brother William's suggestion of using her dress to clean the toilet, instead of wasting money on paper towels. Instead of being thankful for that great suggestion, which would allow us to tithe a little more to Jesus, she started to cry. That pitchy sound is getting highly annoying.

So it seems my suffering is not over here. Clearly this is a sign of God that I have to become a lot tougher with my wife. I am open to suggestions on what to do next.


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Jesus Re: Advice needed: Wife broke my hand and refuses to apologize! - 02-25-2016, 11:37 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
Unfortunately it has only gotten worse. I did as Brothers Alvin and Des suggested by smacking the side of her head and kicking her in the gut. Now she has blood and puke all over her dress which she refuses to clean!

I explained Brother William's suggestion of using her dress to clean the toilet, instead of wasting money on paper towels. Instead of being thankful for that great suggestion, which would allow us to tithe a little more to Jesus, she started to cry. That pitchy sound is getting highly annoying.

So it seems my suffering is not over here. Clearly this is a sign of God that I have to become a lot tougher with my wife. I am open to suggestions on what to do next.
Revered Old Timer,

As an expert in Biblical healing practices I must tell you that the first thing to do is really to get those wounds clean. I surmise your wife remains useless until Rapture, so drastic measures are needed. You should strip yourself and go to a road and wait in the ditch until you find a person who has the means to help you, the preferred option is a Samaritan.

Luke 10:34
And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.


As few people these days travel with all the utensils required, I suggest you take with you some dressings for the wounds and some suitable wine. A red Bourgogne will do. Any oil is acceptable but vegetable oils sting less than mineral oils. A car can replace the beast but an inn is a good idea if the situation at your house is intolerable. This method should have you up and praying again in no time!



Yours in Christ,

Elmer


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Grammar Nazi Re: Advice needed: Wife broke my hand and refuses to apologize! - 02-25-2016, 06:32 PM

Call me old fashioned but if my wife ever caused me to any bodily harm, whether by deliberate act, accident or the possibility she asked God to hurt me, my lesson to her would be swift and just.

Everyone is entitled to make a mistake in life. What matters is a lesson is learned and the mistake not repeated.

One day, many years ago, a slice of my white toast was over done. An obvious and deliberate act by my wife. Later in the day, I discovered the keys locked inside the 1968 GT40. To top it all off, when I confronted my wife about the burnt toast, she claimed one of my nieces had done it as she was out slaying a pig for a Easter ham. She went on to lie about not ever having been in my garage when I knew she had been as there were female 'thong' under garments in the Porsche's glovebox.

I took her out back to the chopping block and gave her hands a few swift hits with a hammer. About the sixth or seventh blow, she finally admitted to all she had done and begged me to forgive her. Which I did of course, as I am nothing but a loving and forgiving person as God has taught me.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Psalm 103:10-14
10 He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
11 For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
12 As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
13 Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him.
14 For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

Romans 3:21-26
21 But now the righteousness of God without the law is manifested, being witnessed by the law and the prophets;
22 Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference:
23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
24 Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:
25 Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God;
26 To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus.

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Saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing.

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Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
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Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Advice needed: Wife broke my hand and refuses to apologize! - 02-25-2016, 10:01 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elmer G. White View Post
the first thing to do is really to get those wounds clean
An excellent suggestion! As we had neither oil nor wine I used some lemon juice to clean my wife's head wound. Unfortunately, instead of thanking me for my kindness, she started to scream very loudly thereby hurting my ears.

Apparently my suffering never ends. Now my hand and my ears hurt.

Brother James' suggestion helped though. After I fractured her left hand with a hammer she finally stopped whining. She is now using her right hand to clean the toilet with her dress.

My suffering has made me very tired so I will go to sleep now and continue working on my wife's attitude problems in the morning.


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Default Re: Advice needed: Wife broke my hand and refuses to apologize! - 02-26-2016, 05:18 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
God clearly created women to make men suffer.

As even little children know, Genesis 3:16 and Ephesians 5:22-24 teach us that God created women to obey men. So when my wife refused to clean our toilet because "she ran out of paper towels" I tried to give her a well deserved smack on her head. Unfortunately, instead of accepting her well deserved punishment, she ducked away and I broke my hand. My own mistake as I should have followed Proverbs 26:3 which clearly states we should use a rod to beat stupid wives, not our hands. God gave me a well deserved punishment for my mistake there.

But now the worst part: She refuses to apologize! I am perplexed at her willingness to ignore the Holy Bible and thereby dooming herself to the eternal fires of Hell as teached to us by Jesus Himself in John 15:6.

I would appreciate advice of other highly experienced Christian men on what to do next. Please only respond if you are an American. I am not in the mood for hard to understand ignorant racist foreigners. Just spend time on building a wall for keeping yourselves out of America instead.


Why not break her hand back?
38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:


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