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Landover Baptist Lounge Relax, Kick your shoes off. Praise Jesus!!! (Blacks and Homosexuals strictly prohibited!)

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Old 02-19-2015, 03:35 AM
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Default A Godly, Righteous Sport

One of my favorite sporting events is about to begin; the Iditarod. Every year, Real Men get together to see which of them can run their sled dogs to death first.

History of the Iditarod

When God created the Earth, He, in His Infinite Foresight, knew that one day there would be a need for dogs with great endurance. Therefore He created the sled dog in China.

Shortly after, Chinese Mongoloids were having sex with the beasts. This continued until roughly 3,000 years ago when someone came up with the idea of attaching the dogs to sleds. This of course corresponds to when White Europeans like Marco Polo discovered China, so it is almost certain that dog sledding was a White innovation.

Fast forward to 1925. God had grown tired of the drunken, incestuous Eskimos of Nome, Alaska, and struck them with diphtheria. But man, foolish then as he is now, thought to spit in God's eye and created a serum to ward against God's Wrath. But the nearest serum was 700 miles away. Using 20 relay sled dog teams, the serum was delivered to Nome in 6 days. The Eskimo were saved and free to drink themselves to death because 20 dog teams each ran about 35 miles.

This is of course absurd.The sled dog was created to run until it dies. These dumb beasts have no other purpose, and running them 35 miles is a waste of time. Hence the Iditarod was born.

Today, instead of sissy 'relays' the modern sledder will harness a team of dogs, then run that single team not a paltry 700 miles, but a glorious 1,100 miles! The driver, called a Musher for some reason, will don his finest polar gear with heated face mask, and enjoy a comfortable 70 degree temperature while the dumb mutts run in -20 degree weather or less. The Musher whips the sluggards when they run too slow. Too stupid to stop, the dogs are only halted when the Musher decides his rump is too numb from sitting to continue.

Save for a disappointing 2010 when not a single dog died during the race, dogs have dropped dead from exhaustion, dehydration, and hypothermia every year in the 40+ year history of the race, each death a beautiful testimony of Man's dominion over animal. I can't wait to see how many of them die this year. Glory!
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Old 02-19-2015, 03:49 AM
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Default Re: A Godly, Righteous Sport

I've never heard of this sport before. Are spectators allowed to shoot the dogs? Because I'd sign up for that action.
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Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Old 02-19-2015, 03:55 AM
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Default Re: A Godly, Righteous Sport

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Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I've never heard of this sport before. Are spectators allowed to shoot the dogs? Because I'd sign up for that action.
That is saved for the after-party, when the survivors, crippled & lamed from the grueling trek, are put down. Spring at the dog breeders is another festive occasion. They take their pick of the litters, then 'cull the herd'. Culling can be as simple as clubbing them to death, or as elaborate as a catapult 'puppy skeet' shoot. Good times, those.
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Old 02-19-2015, 05:00 AM
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Default Re: A Godly, Righteous Sport

It's ironic that you Landover people are gonna burn in hell.
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Old 02-19-2015, 05:01 AM
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Default Re: A Godly, Righteous Sport

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Originally Posted by DemonicRedneck666 View Post
It's ironic that you Landover people are gonna burn in hell.
Welcome to the forums, dear.

Tell us of your walk with Christ.

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Old 02-19-2015, 05:10 AM
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Default Re: A Godly, Righteous Sport

Quote:
Originally Posted by IdioticRedneck666 View Post
It's ironic that you Landover people are gonna burn in hell.
What's actually ironic is that you think so.
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Old 02-19-2015, 05:41 AM
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Default Re: A Godly, Righteous Sport

Quote:
I can't wait to see how many of them die this year. Glory!
Would it be sinful to start a forum pool if the winner promises to tithe 90% of his winnings?
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