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Reload this Page HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Whitford!
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Default HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Whitford! - 07-18-2014, 02:48 PM

HAPPY
BIRTHDAY!






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Default Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Whitford! - 07-18-2014, 06:03 PM

A most blessed birthday to you, dear Sister in Christ!


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Whitford! - 07-18-2014, 11:38 PM

The blessed sweet succor of True Christian™ love to you always, Dear Sister!

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Default Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Whitford! - 07-18-2014, 11:40 PM

May your few remaining years be ones filled with Christ's blessings.

In Jesus our Lord,
NRL


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Default Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Whitford! - 07-19-2014, 05:29 AM

I always thought that old maids didn't celebrate birthdays...


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Whitford! - 07-19-2014, 02:53 PM

Dear sister, the long wait to embrace Jesus will soon be over!

A woman of your vintage has many, many reasons to expect the love clarion of Jesus at any moment, to be sure.

Maybe your dirty pillows finally betray you, or an unprecedented prolapse of your vaginal manifold coupled with a thinning of the blood brings you to His feet. A harmless fall could snap those brittle bones, or a gerontophile will hasten you journey after he has done his business with your parts.

Jesus may even express His love for you by extremifying the mood swings you feel as you go through the change so much that your yourself send you on the wings of the blue pill to His masculine, firm embrace.

I'm sure Jesus has a perfect plan for rewarding you as a True Christian™ and is actively planning your exit from this fallen world and on into Heaven to be held by Him, close to His firm, well muscled chest, to breath in the soft husky musk of His benevolence as you sing to Him how great He is forever, as He gives you that gentle knowing squeeze to tell you He loves you.

Where was I?

Happy birthday.

YIC


1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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