[Buford T Scoggins]

Dear All,

This is Brother Buford, and I need your prayers. I'm stranded in Panama!

How did this come about? Well, as you might imagine, there's a story behind that. As many of y'all know, I work full time for Operation Rescue, standing outside of the Wacko (Texas) Abortion Clinic and blasting them with my bullhorn. One day, to my surprise, the director of the clinic came outside to talk to me. He said that he had just found Jesus, and would close his clinic right away. Of course, that would mean that I would be out of a job, but he that now the Lord was calling me to greener pastures. So he presented with a one-way airline ticket to (I mistakenly thought) was Panama City, Florida.

But it turned out that there is another Panama City, this one being the capital of some rinky dink country in Central America. I have to admit that I was here in Panama City for a full week before I caught on. At first, it seemed just like the USA, except that I noticed there were an awful lot of beaners around, plus nobody was flying the Godly American flag. But I'm used to seeing a lot of illegal Mexiricans in Texass, so I didn't think too much of it. Besides, they do use good 100% US dollars here, unlike that phony peso crap they have in Mexirico. So I was fooled for awhile. I guess what finally blew the lid off this scam was the fact that all the cars around here have Panama license plates and no "Support the Troops" bumber stickers. My suspicions were confirmed when I tried to make a phone call back to the Wacko Abortion Clinic to ask the director when he was going to be sending me the $10,000 he promised for setting up a church here in Panama City, and I discovered it was an international call. I also found out that there's no Wal-Marts here in this forsaken country, and I can't use my food stamp card here.

So here I am, stuck in beanerland, my money is running out fast. And I can't even do my chosen work harassing abortion clinics, on account of the fact that this is a Catylick country and they don't allow abortions!

As y'all can imagine, I need yer support and prayers at this trying time, so I can get back home to God's chosen country, the United States of America.

More later.

Yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Nobar King]

I know how tough it is to tell one Mexigrant from another. I'm sorry about your situation, and I will put a call in to a friend of mine in Panama. His name is Pedro Alcazan, and he is a friend of Manuel Noriega, so he should be able to help you out.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Originally Posted by Buford T Scoggins

Dear All, [...]I'm stranded in Panama!

[...]
As y'all can imagine, I need yer support and prayers at this trying time, so I can get back home to God's chosen country, the United States of America.

More later.

Yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

I have spoken with a generous Pastor to see if there is anything we can do, other than that suggested by Brother Nobar. Brother Nobar's offer of having a Mexirican doing something is kind but the Mexirican will probably fall asleep and wake up forgetful.

The Pastor says we will have a prayer circle, He says, short of risking valuable money and equipment, it’s the least we can do – he added that if there were anything less we would do that as well.

[SUV]

Brother Hank Jr once had a similar problem:

"I'm stuck here in Honduras
I'm a desperate Man
Send Lawyers, Guns and Money
The %&#@ has hit the fan!

Help!"

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Originally Posted by SUV

Brother Hank Jr once had a similar problem:

"I'm stuck here in Honduras
I'm a desperate Man
Send Lawyers, Guns and Money
The %&#@ has hit the fan!

Help!"

Hey Brother,

Can you buy a rubber inner tube and float to Florida like that lil Ellio spic kid did?

[One-eyed Jack]

Brother Buford, you are surely in peril! Our prayers are with you. Until a rescue can be arranged -- perhaps, as Brother Nobar suggests, the renowned thug Noriega can be pressured into working God's will in this manner -- here are some suggestions for survival.

1. Don't touch the women. They all carry diseases, and knives.

2. Boil your water. Most places outside the USA are stuck in the Dark Ages. Bubonic plague is a real danger.

3. Show no signs of weakness. According to a Mexer I accosted on the street, the Spanish phrase for "Get your hands off me, I am an American" is "Puesto le las manos en mis nalgas, soy una puta americana."

4. Don't get into any unmarked taxicabs. You may wake up in a bathtub full of ice, with both your kidneys missing. This has happened to thousands of Christians! It is not an urban legend!

5. Pray.

~~ OEJ

[SUV]

Originally Posted by One-eyed Jack

3."Puesto le las manos en mis nalgas, soy una puta americana."

Another good one is, "!You are paying NOW, Maricon!"

[JennyD]

Brother Buford, how very clever of you to get a Texas abortionist to carry out God's Plan!

Allow me to explain:

Panama City is at the Pacific entrance to the Panama Canal. THOUSANDS of ships sail through this canal every year, and pass through Panama City. Each day, hundreds of sailors (including American Navy servicemen) lonely for company -- if you know what I mean -- disembark and wander the city aimlessly. Just imagine, Brother Buford, if you were to provide the companionship they so desperately seek! You could show them Love like they've never known!

Clearly, the LORD wishes you to witness to these sailors, and also to the perverted Mary-worshippers in Panama. You must start a True Christian™ Mission in Panama City, and ensure that the Canal is protected by True Christians™ instead of those Cathoholic pagans!

We would offer to send you funds, but we know that the LORD has sent you on this mission. If we were to send money, we would be interfering with His Divine Plan.

I realize that your Internet access may be limited in the future, until you get your mission established. So, I will take the liberty of sending a letter of thanks to the abortionist in Waco who provided you transportation to your new life mission!

GLORY!

[Buford T Scoggins]

Thanks to all who have responded to my plight thus far. I was especially interested in the comments about Noriega, because after doing a web search I discovered that his presence in this beaner hellhole inspired a US military invasion orchestrated by Bush Sr, code-named "Operation Just Cause." I´m just hoping that there will be another "just cause" any day now, so that the US military can liberate OUR Bananaland Canal, and then I can get back to a civilized country. You can´t imagine the hardships down here - no Wal-Mart, no Rush Limbaugh on AM radio, no American flags, no Baptist churches, and worst of all no English. Just a bunch of oversexed slope-heads speaking that Mexirican gibberish. I´m not sure if their El Presidente is Hugo Chavez or some other commie dictator, but whoever he is, I hope the CIA bumps him off quick and brings freedom and democracy to this Sodom/Gomorrah as soon as possible.

Thank you Sister JennyD for suggesting that the Lord must have a sacred mission for me here in Bananaland. I know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I just wish he´d get it over real quick, so I can get back home before I catch some Third World disease like Marylaria.

In Satan´s lair,
Brother Buford

[Dr. Santiago Solo]

Dear Brother, me coming from one of the Bananalands as well, can perfectly understand how you might be feeling surrounded by so much sin, samba/mambo/tango dancing, people sleeping on the streets with big sombreros and other unspeakable things, I can only recommend you to listen to our fellow brothers, especially dear Brother OEJ, just to complement his wise remarks:

Originally Posted by One-eyed Jack

1. Don't touch the women. They all carry diseases, and knives.

Indeed, they are deceptively sensual and they dance like demons feeling the fiery bowls of Hell (just check this harlot), do not surrender yourself to temptation, their cooter is like the entrance to Hades itself

2. Boil your water. Most places outside the USA are stuck in the Dark Ages. Bubonic plague is a real danger.

I would recommend you to not eat anything all together! Those tropical fruits and fresh fish might look tempting, but everything in those God-forsaken countries is a gateway to Satan's tallywacker!

3. Show no signs of weakness. According to a Mexer I accosted on the street, the Spanish phrase for "Get your hands off me, I am an American" is "Puesto le las manos en mis nalgas, soy una puta americana."

Not to correct the dear Brother OEJ, but the exact defense phrase should go "métemela toda, soy una puta americana". You can also say "quiero toda tu verga en mi boca" or "toma todo mi dinero y viólame", all of them should work fine

4. Don't get into any unmarked taxicabs. You may wake up in a bathtub full of ice, with both your kidneys missing. This has happened to thousands of Christians! It is not an urban legend!

Indeed, the money those beaners don't make from drug trafficking comes mostly from human organs harvesting...

5. Pray.

We are praying for you from here...

~~ OEJ[/quote]

Originally Posted by Buford T Scoggins

Thanks to all who have responded to my plight thus far. I was especially interested in the comments about Noriega, because after doing a web search I discovered that his presence in this beaner hellhole inspired a US military invasion orchestrated by Bush Sr, code-named "Operation Just Cause." I´m just hoping that there will be another "just cause" any day now, so that the US military can liberate OUR Bananaland Canal, and then I can get back to a civilized country. You can´t imagine the hardships down here - no Wal-Mart, no Rush Limbaugh on AM radio, no American flags, no Baptist churches, and worst of all no English. Just a bunch of oversexed slope-heads speaking that Mexirican gibberish. I´m not sure if their El Presidente is Hugo Chavez or some other commie dictator, but whoever he is, I hope the CIA bumps him off quick and brings freedom and democracy to this Sodom/Gomorrah as soon as possible.

Thank you Sister JennyD for suggesting that the Lord must have a sacred mission for me here in Bananaland. I know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I just wish he´d get it over real quick, so I can get back home before I catch some Third World disease like Marylaria.

In Satan´s lair,
Brother Buford

The horror, brother, take care of yourself, watch out for coup d'états, don't even sweat it trying to understand the gibberish, the words that have been given to you in this forum should more than suffice for you to survive in that primitive language, avoid any conga lines in the street, and talking to strangers, and you should be fine...

[Old Iron Crotch]

Originally Posted by SUV

Brother Hank Jr once had a similar problem:

"I'm stuck here in Honduras
I'm a desperate Man
Send Lawyers, Guns and Money
The %&#@ has hit the fan!

Help!"

Bocephus' version was a cover, although not a bad one. The song was written and originally recorded by the late, great Warren Zevon.

[One-eyed Jack]

Darn it! I'll bet that swarthy day-laborer I questioned deliberately quoted me an incorrect Spanish phrase. Brother Buford, you had best go with Dr. Solo's sentences instead.

The Spanish custom of the afternoon nap, or "siesta", is another trap that Satan has set in the sunny southlands. We observe that the sloth lives only in tropical America, and SLOTH IS A DEADLY SIN. Not only that, but the natives of Brazil sometomes cook and eat the sloth, thus compounding sloth with gluttony. NAPPY SIN! Is there no shame?

Be very careful, Brother Buford! Truly you are treading on the doorstep of Satan's realm.

~~ OEJ

[Brother Temperance]

Remember, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Originally Posted by Dr. Santiago Solo

I would recommend you to not eat anything all together! Those tropical fruits and fresh fish might look tempting, but everything in those God-forsaken countries is a gateway to Satan's tallywacker!

I hear you Brother Santiago (hmmm, not a Hispanorican name, I hope), and the fact that you are a doctor lends even more credibility to your excellent common sense suggestion.

However, after nearly a week of starvation, I realized that I needed to eat something to keep up my strength. Fortunately, here in the capital - Bananama City - they do have a few branches of McDonald´s. Needless to say, this is the only place where I dare buy a meal. I just thank the Lord that safe, wholesome, hormone-enriched food imported from the USA is available.

And I wouldn´t think of touching the water! Fortunately, they do have Coca-Cola - it´s the only safe thing to drink. Indeed, I use it for everything, including brushing my teeth, bathing, and washing my clothes.

My great fear though comes from the fact that I was here in Panama for 3 days before I realized it was a foreign country. Prior to that revelation, I thought that this was Panama City, Florida. Therefore, during those 3 days, I bought and actually ate some of the local food products including bananas. I mistakenly thought that they were 100% American-grown bananas, but now I realize they weren´t because they didn´t have the Chiquita label attached. So it´s too late now, I may have been poisoned with AIDS or Montezuma´s revenge, or some other Third World illness that will cause my tallywacker to swell up to the size of a tamale and explode.

I´m not really sure what to do, but I´m hoping that if I keep drinking blessed Coca-Cola, I can flush out the poison. It´s worth a try anyway.

YIC,
Buford

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Brother Solo,

I have a few troubling geoligical Q's that I need answering (regarding the "flood"). But I would like it in person.

Can you come over ...say 10:30 tonight? Zeke will be gone and Tater should be asleep.....


Let me know, I'll keep a light on for ya.

[Dr. Santiago Solo]

Originally Posted by Buford T Scoggins

I hear you Brother Santiago (hmmm, not a Hispanorican name, I hope)

Sadly it is, Brother, I thought about changing it in my Baptism, but I kept it to remind me not to fall in those dirty Catlicks behaviours again...,

and the fact that you are a doctor lends even more credibility to your excellent common sense suggestion.

And a LBU Doctor, nonetheless!

However, after nearly a week of starvation, I realized that I needed to eat something to keep up my strength. Fortunately, here in the capital - Bananama City - they do have a few branches of McDonald´s. Needless to say, this is the only place where I dare buy a meal. I just thank the Lord that safe, wholesome, hormone-enriched food imported from the USA is available.

Beware the homer agenda of Mc Donald's though, but I guess is far better than anything you could get in such ungodly place...

And I wouldn´t think of touching the water! Fortunately, they do have Coca-Cola - it´s the only safe thing to drink. Indeed, I use it for everything, including brushing my teeth, bathing, and washing my clothes.

Well, Coca Cola has so diverse uses, good for you!

My great fear though comes from the fact that I was here in Panama for 3 days before I realized it was a foreign country. Prior to that revelation, I thought that this was Panama City, Florida. Therefore, during those 3 days, I bought and actually ate some of the local food products including bananas. I mistakenly thought that they were 100% American-grown bananas, but now I realize they weren´t because they didn´t have the Chiquita label attached.

Oh, Chiquita, such a Godly company indeed...

So it´s too late now, I may have been poisoned with AIDS or Montezuma´s revenge, or some other Third World illness that will cause my tallywacker to swell up to the size of a tamale and explode.

I do hope you have kept your hands off the women, they are the main transmitting device of deceases there!

I´m not really sure what to do, but I´m hoping that if I keep drinking blessed Coca-Cola, I can flush out the poison. It´s worth a try anyway.

YIC,
Buford

It should cleanse you alright .

[Dr. Santiago Solo]

Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde

Brother Solo,

I have a few troubling geoligical Q's that I need answering (regarding the "flood"). But I would like it in person.

Can you come over ...say 10:30 tonight? Zeke will be gone and Tater should be asleep.....


Let me know, I'll keep a light on for ya.

Oh, it's time to speak about <ehem> "the flood" again, Sister? I will certainly be there, and I'll bring the champagne, candles, strawberries and whipped cream you enjoy so much, I do hope you have some ice cubes ready, you know, for modelling and explanation, oh, and honey of course, for viscosity testings . Oh, and in a totally unrelated issue, you do know where Pastor Zeke keeps his disciplinary objects collection, right? I am sure he won't mind me admiring it!

[JennyD]

Originally Posted by Dr. Santiago Solo

Oh, it's time to speak about <ehem> "the flood" again, Sister?

Doctor Solo, Sister BTB was telling me just the other day what wonderful lectures you give.

Next time I'm in Freehold, checking in on The Monthly Visitor and making sure work is progressing on schedule, would you be so kind as to educate me further on the parting of the Red Sea? Sister BTB says you shared with her a most edifying discussion of this subject!

[Don the Baptist]

Originally Posted by SUV

Brother Hank Jr once had a similar problem:

"I'm stuck here in Honduras
I'm a desperate Man
Send Lawyers, Guns and Money
The %&#@ has hit the fan!

Help!"

, Praise Jesus for all of this Godly help that springeth forth. God truly works in mysterious ways and I am sure Brother Buford will be stronger for his trials.

[Dr. Santiago Solo]

Originally Posted by JennyD

Doctor Solo, Sister BTB was telling me just the other day what wonderful lectures you give.

Next time I'm in Freehold, checking in on The Monthly Visitor and making sure work is progressing on schedule, would you be so kind as to educate me further on the parting of the Red Sea? Sister BTB says you shared with her a most edifying discussion of this subject!

Oh, my dear Sister, nothing would give me more pleasure than explaining to you all about parting... how Moses took his powerful hand, and guiding it firmly, separated the trembling sea in two trembling mountains, and got his People in, fast and swiftly, until all of it was between the two humid walls! Tonight I'll be busy with dear sister BTB, but when you are in Freehold, we'll have plenty of time for these discussions