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Moderator Arms Dealer for CHRIST Hands folded for Jesus
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Posts: 5,251
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: On the Straight and Narrow (Earthly location: Freehold, Iowa)
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CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-19-2012, 11:35 PM
First of all, Pastor Ezekiel, if you're reading this, shame on you! Please push the back button now and do not read the rest of this thread! (Perhaps one of our GODly forum technicians could make it so that this thread is invisible to the good Pastor?)
Now with him out of the thread, let's get down to business:
Brothers and sisters, the donations this year have been quite generous, and I know you are as excited as I am about the Bombardier Learjet. The LORD has certainly been good to us, and blessed our church.
The gold inlaid Bible verse of Proverbs 10:22 on the fuselage is a wonderful touch.
Captain Portway is going to land the Learjet at the Landover Baptist Church Airstrip on CHRISTmas morning at precisely 10:00 AM. If you plan on attending, please make sure you reserve your parking space in advance. Mistress Cookie is handling the reservations and parking fees.
It is very important that Pastor Ezekiel be blindfolded at least fifteen minutes in advance, so that he cannot see the final approach! Landover Baptist Church Security is in charge of this.
Now, some of our female church members thought it would be a nice gesture if we were to tie a big, red CHRISTmas bow onto the nose of the aircraft, but Captain Portway has expressed concerns that it might rip off and get sucked into the engines. Leave it to women to have nearly ruined CHRISTmas for everyone with their lack of understanding of manly things like jet engines.
Finally, if you want to take video or pictures, that is permitted, but Bobby-Joe has asked me to remind you all that photography of the interior of hanger number two is expressly prohibited!
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Warning: In case of Rapture, this account will be unmanned.
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Posts: 7,220
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-19-2012, 11:55 PM
Myself, the boys and Abigail will be there. Did you manage to get the baby seal skin couch installed in time?
Quote:
It is very important that Pastor Ezekiel be blindfolded at least fifteen minutes in advance, so that he cannot see the final approach! Landover Baptist Church Security is in charge of this.
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I'm glad to hear security is taking care of that this year. Just a word of warning, do not yell "surprise" and throw the blind fold on him...Pastor Ezekiel didn't respond kindly to that... at all. Abigail came running over to help and almost violated Deuteronomy 25:11-12
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Mayor of Freehold
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Posts: 12,124
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: City Hall, Freehold, Iowa
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-20-2012, 03:29 AM
I've arranged for the Freehold PD to be on hand for traffic control.
Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Christ's Love Messenger
True Christian™
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Posts: 5,978
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: A road of rocks and glass
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-20-2012, 03:48 AM
I am going to give him something large, hard and lubricated to soothe the hemmerhoids he has suffered with throughout his life.
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Forum Member, struggling to repent from whoredoms Once a foul twat. Back on Christ's nice list
Forum Member
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Posts: 25
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: on my knees for Pastor Zeke
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-20-2012, 05:37 AM
Wow! A LearJet sounds very expensive. And you guys have enough money to pay for that?
Proverbs 9:10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding.
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Moderator Arms Dealer for CHRIST Hands folded for Jesus
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Posts: 5,251
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: On the Straight and Narrow (Earthly location: Freehold, Iowa)
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-20-2012, 07:34 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by FoulTwat
Wow! A LearJet sounds very expensive. And you guys have enough money to pay for that?
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Our church finances are none of your business.
Landover Baptist pastors travel the globe seeking generous donations from those who desire to be saved, and it is only fitting these men of GOD have some comfortable accommodations for their long trips.
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,730
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-20-2012, 07:42 AM
I still think a giant bow on the nose of the plane would be a lovely touch, but the good captain knows best.
Anyway, the Ladies of Landover and the Tasty Pie Club have joined forces once again to present to the good pastor a sample of every sweet and delectable pie we could gather within a 20 mile radius just for the occasion.
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
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Posts: 9,051
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Surrounded by queers.
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-20-2012, 08:40 AM
My tickets to Godly America arrived only this morning I will be arriving the night before!
And as a special treat I will be bringing along my eager young Nephew (and Marta who he insisted should come). We have booked two rooms (obviously Marta is on her own as she is currently unmarried) so I shall be sharing with my Nephew.
We are all very excited
YIC
1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.
Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,555
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-20-2012, 05:50 PM
Douchbag Zeke that bear botheror not reading this? Good! How about a Christmas present for Mr Pastor " kidnap me a good girl boys so I can look family" Zeke; a box of condoms for when he snorting cocaine off his boyfriends so Zeke doesn't get the clap again.
And of you loser fink to Zeke I posted this I will so burn down your house!
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
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Moderator Arms Dealer for CHRIST Hands folded for Jesus
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Posts: 5,251
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: On the Straight and Narrow (Earthly location: Freehold, Iowa)
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-20-2012, 07:52 PM
Well, as long as Zeke is not allowed in here...
Does anybody else think he was acting overbearing last Sunday when he insisted on having the grand piano in the sanctuary moved farther to the left?
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,555
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-20-2012, 08:19 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob4God
Well, as long as Zeke is not allowed in here...
Does anybody else think he was acting overbearing last Sunday when he insisted on having the grand piano in the sanctuary moved farther to the left?
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Oh that's prissy boy Zeke for you. Sweet loving savior the poofda will be reduced to tears if his drink isn't properly chilled and his maids don't crease his pants, just the right way.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
Hot Must ReadThreads!
Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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True Christian™ Just a Regular Nice Guy
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Posts: 29,835
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Between Lynchburg and Walton's Mountain
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-20-2012, 09:04 PM
Going out to dinner, if I have to hear this one more time "...are those Gucci loafers? No? Then sit in the back...".
In my OWN Hummer!
Count me in on the present. How much do I have tocan I give?
Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Forum Member
Forum Member
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Posts: 105
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Independence, MO
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-20-2012, 10:03 PM
You guys could still still have a blue masculine Christmas bow. Have alarge one made with some kind of adhesive. When the jet lands you stick in on the door. Then remove the blindfold. Pastor Ezekiel will then have to remove to bow to open the door, and hence his gift.
Will you be using one of those mobile airstair? You could get some white stallions and make it into a chariot. This way the pastor can ride to the door like a king. And everyone can stand to the sides and shower him with rose pedals as he comes pass.
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True Christian™
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Posts: 808
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ozarks, MO
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Re: CONFIDENTIAL: Regarding the Church's Christmas Present to Pastor Ezekiel -
12-21-2012, 01:12 AM
I have, slightly, modified one of my jets, as sometimes my 'charity flights' from Tijuana get bothered by so-called 'customs officials'. Let's just say that "what goes up, must come down".
I remain faithfully loyal to Pastor Zeke, and welcome you all aboard my airplanes, any time you wish to board.
And I remain loyal to you, Brethren. Pastor Zeke will be flying "Hopkin's Air" this Sunday night....
YBIC
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