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  • #1

    Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

    The other night I was teaching my sons some Christian math by proving that universe is 6000 years old by counting genealogy from the Bible. After we finished our studies, I put my calculator back to my work desk drawer.

    Now that I turned it on again, I noticed that I had received a message from the LORD through my calculator. What can this mean?
    I am happily married and I am totally not gay, everybody knows this.
    Yes, I have been lately watching MMA, body building and various types of gay porn but all this in totally non gaysexual way. I only used it to study the lingo of these gaysexual people so I could be more efficient when I witnessing at them in their hangout spots.

    Has some hateful atheist been praying on my behalf or something? Of course, one time when I was performing my Christian duty with my wife I accidentally touched my erected tallywhacker and I have to confess that once I touched anus when my finger went through toilet paper. Could these gaysexual acts have damned my soul into hell? What should I do?
    Attached Files
    Tags: jesus, predestination, sodomite, texas, twerking
  • #2
    Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

    Could be you got a demonic one. Is it still under warranty? I'm pretty sure that they'll send you a new one, if you explain what happened.
    Who Will Jesus Damn?

    Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

    Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

    Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

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    • #3
      Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

      Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
      Could be you got a demonic one. Is it still under warranty? I'm pretty sure that they'll send you a new one, if you explain what happened.
      Pastor Zeke, the TI-85 was popular around 20 years ago...so I doubt it would still be under warranty.

      I think Jesus is warning Brother Alphonse about future events. Perhaps all the MMA viewing has infested his mind and potentially creating an opening through which Satan may penetrate. I think Jesus is saying to gird up, Brother:

      Ephesians 6:11 (1611 King James Bible)

      Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the deuill.
      sigpic

      I Kings 7:23

      And he made a moulten Sea, ten cubites from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, & his height was fiue cubits: and a line of thirtie cubites did compasse it round about.

      New here? Desiring to be pleasing in the eyes of The Lord and His Followers?

      Then do as directed by our esteemed Pastors and head on over to the Introductions subforum and make your first post there, friend. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus. Anything else you want to share with us about how Jesus has blessed you is welcomed too.

      Are you a hater of God that believes He is a morally bankrupt monster? Read Why, you ask, is God so angry? to see that it is in fact you that is the monster that mercilessly and infinitely torments God.

      Stop this relentless torturing of God and accept Jesus today!

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

        People mistook me for a queer sexual because of my purple sox. So I had Paster Zeke cast the demons out of them. Best 725 bucks I ever spent.
        Leviticus 13:40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.

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        • #5
          Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

          Originally posted by Godfly View Post
          People mistook me for a queer sexual because of my purple sox. So I had Paster Zeke cast the demons out of them. Best 725 bucks I ever spent.

          What a Holy Man is that Pastor Zeke. He all but gives his time to save our lives.
          Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.

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          • #6
            Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

            I'm not an expert, but Brother... did you perhaps accidentally press the "SIN" button?
            Psalm 81:10:
            I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
            open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

              It seems to me that you may have typed that message to yourself, because I studied computer science, and the calculator does not just do that on its own. Also, the bible never uses the word fag, so im pretty suspect as to your religious vigor, you may be a heathen. You need to repent, get saved again, because you will be going to hell if you dont. I can help you with that. Message me.

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

                Originally posted by Mark L. Snyde, PhD View Post
                Pastor Zeke, the TI-85 was popular around 20 years ago...so I doubt it would still be under warranty.
                Of course it still has warranty. TI-85 is the last model made under direct supervision of that time governor of Texas, Godly George W. Each one from that line has been approved by the chosen one himself, so they are True Christians™ of calculators. Despite satanic SIN button.

                Originally posted by Godfly View Post
                People mistook me for a queer sexual because of my purple sox. So I had Paster Zeke cast the demons out of them. Best 725 bucks I ever spent.
                I think you are right. I might have to ask Zeke to exorcise that calculator and my finger of sin. Maybe my tallywhacker and anus as well just in case.

                Originally posted by godwilling1 View Post
                It seems to me that you may have typed that message to yourself, because I studied computer science, and the calculator does not just do that on its own. Also, the bible never uses the word fag, so im pretty suspect as to your religious vigor, you may be a heathen.
                Read again, no one here said that calculator did it on it's own. Message was typed by Jesus. On that other matter, Bible does not mention anal sex either. This just proves that it was a direct message from the LORD, not just some random Bible quote. Leviticus 18:22 just made His point clear.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

                  Originally posted by Mark L. Snyde, PhD View Post
                  I think Jesus is warning Brother Alphonse about future events. Perhaps all the MMA viewing has infested his mind and potentially creating an opening through which Satan may penetrate. I think Jesus is saying to gird up, Brother:
                  That posits a very interesting question...

                  when we talk about all who are truly born again (as all TRUE CHRISTIANS), we rightly say they are eternally saved and kept by the power of God.

                  Could his keeping take this form?

                  PRAY TO JESUS!

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

                    Cause you are gay, embrace it!
                    For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous.--Lev.21:18 <----God hates ugly people and cripples!!

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                    • #11
                      Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

                      Originally posted by Gayasperger View Post
                      Cause you are gay, embrace it!
                      Who let the loony out?

                      PRAY TO JESUS!

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

                        Originally posted by Gayassburger View Post
                        Cause you are gay, embrace it!
                        People are so lazy these days. Another one who did not read the original post

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

                          Despite the unsettling message, I think we can all agree that yet another miracle has occurred that Jesus-haters will have a very difficult time explaining.

                          GOD WINS AGAIN!!!

                          sigpic

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                          • #14
                            Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

                            Mark 1:3

                            The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight.


                            PRAISE THE LORD!

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

                              Originally posted by Zechariah Smyth View Post
                              Despite the unsettling message, I think we can all agree that yet another miracle has occurred that Jesus-haters will have a very difficult time explaining.

                              GOD WINS AGAIN!!!

                              I know brother, this is yet another undeniable proof that God exist and I am really happy that He decided to talk to me.
                              It's just that this is the first time Jesus has ever spoken to me directly so I guess I secretly wished for some more uplifting message. Ah well, God moves in mysterious ways.

                              GLORY!

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