Over the years I've heard advice and I've offered advice as a True Christian™ mother of children and Daughter of the King. I have to say, the advice that comes straight from the Holy Word of God is the only advice worth listening to. Modern religious leaders' silly little lists that include such vague and worthless platitudes as
Be Nice, Be generous and, Calm down may be helpful to the simple person, but they are patronizing and useless to the wise follower of Truth. Eve was nice. Jezebel was generous. Satan is always cool, never letting his temper get away from him like some other ethereal beings may have done
once or
twice in the past. But if you want some worthwhile advice, get thee straight to the Holy Bible!
Let's look at a few examples of Biblical Lifehacks to teach children...
Music lessons can go a long way to ward off evil spirits,
even those sent by God Himself (1 Samuel 18:10; 1 Samuel 19:9):
And Saul's servants said unto him, Behold now, an evil spirit from God troubleth thee.
Let our lord now command thy servants, which are before thee, to seek out a man, who is a cunning player on an harp:
and it shall come to pass, when the evil spirit from God is upon thee, that he shall play with his hand, and thou shalt be well.
1 Samuel 16:15-16
Protip: Avoid looking like a fag. Men don't like fags serenading them.
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Mind your manners and don't troll dorks
It may help keep you alive, even if the person you see looks like he deserves it.
Just because someone looks and acts like a douche,
doesn't mean he's not in the Service of the Lord.
And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city,
and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood,
and tare forty and two children of them.
2 Kings 2:23-24
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Appreciate what the LORD gives you.
When He gives you a present, He does not appreciate it being used for other purposes.
Thou hast also taken thy fair jewels of my gold and of my silver, which I had given thee,
and madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them
Ezekiel 16:17
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Modesty, it's not just for humans.
A woman's milkshake can bring more than just the boys to the yard, and that really irks the LORD (Genesis 6:4-7).
While God promised He won't destroy the world in a flood again (Genesis 9:11), you should still teach your children the importance of modesty.
There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men,
and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
Genesis 6:4
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Be grateful for the doors God opens.
Even if on the surface it accomplishes nothing and wastes years of your life,
seemingly sucking the joy and pleasure from experiences and relationships once enjoyed, God doesn't like whiners.
And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness?
for [there is] no bread, neither [is there any] water; and our soul loatheth this light bread.
And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people;
and much people of Israel died.
Numbers 21:5-6
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When God asks for a favor, don't keep Him waiting
When God wants you to do something, even if it's as seemingly painful and cruel and barbaric
as slicing the tender, sensitive foreskin off your boy, don't be pokey about it.
And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me:
and if thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn.
And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the Lord met him, and sought to kill him.
Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son,
and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.
Exodus 4:23-25
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God rewards improvisation and resourcefulness.
Lot's daughters brainstormed the bright idea of making Daddy their Baby-Daddy (Genesis 19:30-36).
Lot was so good at training up his children that he is forever recognized as being Righteous, that is, "Right with God" (2 Peter 2:7-8),
benefiting from Christ's atonement before Christ was even a gleam in his Father's, er, the Holy Ghost's eye.
Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father;
and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
Genesis 19:32-33
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Let's get this list going! Add your own True Christian™ Lifehacks!