Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow. |
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On Extended Furlough
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Posts: 4,784
Join Date: Nov 2006
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New Ministry - Blemish Abatement for Godless Sinners© -
12-12-2006, 10:33 PM
Some months ago, a young lady with a wart upon her face tried to enter the church here in Salem. Naturally, the ushers would not let her in, and rebuked her, saying:
Leviticus 21:17-19
Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.
For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;
Leviticus 21:23
Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries: for I the LORD do sanctify them.
The young lady was saddened, as she could merely pass a check to the ushers to put in the collection plate and sit in the alley behind the church, listening to the beautiful music and worship in progress, perhaps sharing some wine with one of the alley's residents.
Seeing her sorrow, I consulted with the Pastors at Landover to discuss the problem. After all, this Godly woman, who tithed of her deceased husband's fortune regularly, was not being allowed to join in worship because the Lord could not bear the sight of the blemish upon her countenance. After much prayer and heartfelt discussion, we came upon a solution:
Blemish Abatement Garment System©
This new ministry, not yet approved for use at Landover but being tested here in Salem, will bring that poor woman -- and anyone who should have an acne breakout or other unsightly disfigurement -- closer to God and make her acceptable in His sight!
The BAGS © ministry has two steps. First, you are provided with a golden Blemish Abatement Garment™ , as seen here: Whenever you enter God's Favorite Church, simply wearing your Blemish Abatement Garment ™ distracts Him from the abominations thereunder. He does like shiny golden things; you see, they distract Him from all the sin and evil in the world He created, and allow Him to momentarily forget that His perfect creation rejects Him and His Word daily. That's why He hasn't struck down the Catlickers so far, because their Pope wears shiny hats and gowns to make Him smile.
Once you've demonstrated your true commitment to Jesus with sufficient tithing or a substantial single donation, Freehold's best cosmetic surgeons (the ones the Godly Betty Bowers would use, if she ever wanted to alter her blemishless visage) have the talents to repair most any BAGS © member's blemish!
I am pleased to report that this past Sunday, the blemished young woman attended services, wearing her Blemish Abatement Garment™. Not only was she NOT struck by lightning, but she received many compliments on her new look. She was so overwhelmed with the love of the Lord that she doubled her monthly tithe!
PRAISE ©!
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LBC psychiatric outpatient. Progressing nicely.
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Posts: 989
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IA
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Re: New Ministry - Blemish Abatement for Godless Sinners© -
12-14-2006, 09:15 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.OnYourKnees
This new ministry, not yet approved for use at Landover but being tested here in Salem
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Mr.OnYourKnees, i heards a viscous rumor that there was some trouble wiv plastick bags but i never ever listen to no gossips so i not able to say what that rumor were .
nows, what about them oldin folk wiv the wrinkly wrinkles? does lord God want them to use a bags as well, cuz we gonna need a hunnerd millon billon bags if He do, 3 for each oldin folk, one for thier head an 2 for thier hands to cover up them liver spots
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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Re: New Ministry - Blemish Abatement for Godless Sinners© -
12-14-2006, 11:56 PM
This is wonderful news Brother.
At last we can receive Tithes Worship in our Church from unfortunate Mingers Souls such as these.
May I suggest that we also make available the "Full-Body Makeover" Bag for those persons of "Ample proportions?"
I've taken a picture of some of my House Servants modelling such an article.
I think it may catch on!!
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
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Posts: 15,647
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Location: South Yorkshire, hotbed of sin
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Re: New Ministry - Blemish Abatement for Godless Sinners© -
12-15-2006, 01:20 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha
This is wonderful news Brother.
At last we can receive Tithes Worship in our Church from unfortunate Mingers Souls such as these.
May I suggest that we also make available the "Full-Body Makeover" Bag for those persons of "Ample proportions?"
I've taken a picture of some of my House Servants modelling such an article.
I think it may catch on!!
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Argggh! A muslim! Kill it!
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Christ's Love Messenger
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Posts: 5,978
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: A road of rocks and glass
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Re: New Ministry - Blemish Abatement for Godless Sinners© -
12-15-2006, 01:30 PM
Would these bags work on retards? It might look a little weird cause I guarantee they'll be spending all their time in there licking the inside. Then again might be kinda funny. 'Tards crack me up.
Dean
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True Christian™ Nitric Oxide
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Posts: 3,477
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Re: New Ministry - Blemish Abatement for Godless Sinners© -
12-15-2006, 02:55 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deaner
Would these bags work on retards? It might look a little weird cause I guarantee they'll be spending all their time in there licking the inside. Then again might be kinda funny. 'Tards crack me up.
Dean
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Whatever happened to Stinky?
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On Extended Furlough
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Re: New Ministry - Blemish Abatement for Godless Sinners© -
12-15-2006, 07:57 PM
To answer your many excellent queries:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petal
Mr.OnYourKnees, i heards a viscous rumor that there was some trouble wiv plastick bags but i never ever listen to no gossips so i not able to say what that rumor were .
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Petal, every BAG™ is made of the purest Egyptian cotton (600 threads per inch), with 24K gold woven into the fibers. We never use plastic.
Quote:
nows, what about them oldin folk wiv the wrinkly wrinkles? does lord God want them to use a bags as well, cuz we gonna need a hunnerd millon billon bags if He do, 3 for each oldin folk, one for thier head an 2 for thier hands to cover up them liver spots
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Old folks can wear gloves on their hands, as long as they're tasteful; and their age is not an abomination but rather a crown of glory!
Proverbs 16:31
The hoary head is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha
This is wonderful news Brother.
At last we can receive Tithes Worship in our Church from unfortunate Mingers Souls such as these.
May I suggest that we also make available the "Full-Body Makeover" Bag for those persons of "Ample proportions?"
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Interesting idea, Sister Tali; but then, would this Negress slip past the ushers? What if they and God were distracted by the shiny gold?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deaner
Would these bags work on retards? It might look a little weird cause I guarantee they'll be spending all their time in there licking the inside. Then again might be kinda funny. 'Tards crack me up.
Dean
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Something along these lines, underneath the BAG™, should take care of that problem, Brother!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother V
Whatever happened to Stinky?
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Brother, we tried a BAG™ on Stinky. He entered the church with no problems, and was about to place his dead grandmother's antique diamond necklace in the offering plate, when the 'tard proclivity for bag-licking became too strong. He managed to pull half the BAG™ into his mouth, exposing his face. The LORD, in his horror, struck Stinky dead with a bolt of lightning and melted the diamonds (and Stinky's left hand) into worthless coal embedded in gold.
All was not lost; we were able to sell the molten mass and charred BAG™ on eBay for almost $35,000! GLORY, the LORD does work in mysterious ways!
If a BAG™ is to be used upon a 'tard, do remember the head cage to prevent BAG™-licking! Also, remember that entrance into the CHURCH and the acceptance of TITHES does not ensure that the BAG™ will work in Heaven. It is really intended as a temporary measure, for those with warts, acne, or other temporary blemishes, not permanent disfigurements.
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