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Default Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-19-2016, 12:51 AM

I can now announce the latest winner of the Landover Award for Excellence in Businesses for Jesus – a prestigious award presented by Pastor Zeke personally to businesses in the Landover area that make a substantial contribution to the promulgation of God’s Word.

To win is not merely a matter of pouring wealth by way of Tax-Free donations to Landover, nor by demonstrably furthering True Christianity™, nor simply “by works”( Romans 9:11, Galatians 2:16) but showing the idea that “by faith alone” is God served.

This faith is shown when the business becomes profitable for this is a sign from God and of His Approval.

This year’s Award went to Zebulun Bathfire for his contribution to diversity, employment, the “trickle-down” effect, multiculturalism, boost to the local (and soon to be national) economy and race relations.

Zebulun sat down and thought hard about what was required. We know that the Blessed George Dubbya, the last decent president we had, was strong on diversity: he thought beyond the box and rightfully stated the case when he said “I think we agree, the past is over. ” The bad old days of minorities having the worst jobs (except Jews) need to be put behind us.

With this thought, Zebulun founded

“Minorities for Every Occasion”

The idea is simple and effective but is, in its present form patentable. Any ethnic type can register himself with MEO for a weekly fee of $10. As soon as a call comes in from a business that finds itself with adverse publicity through accusations of operating some sort of “whites only” policy, MOE steps in and send round a representative selection of minorities, carefully mathematically calculated so as to put the figure way beyond any criticism, and then when all the fuss has died down (most of these things are a nine-day wonder) the Darkies, disabled, Asians, gays, lesbians, mentally beset by demons, gingers, left-handers, Pacific Islanders, injuns, etc., etc, are withdrawn.

However, the scheme is even better than this – for $10 a day per individual minoritist, a firm can "enter" them on their payroll – they pay “Minorities for Every Occasion” say $2,000 a week and “Minorities for Every Occasion” repays them $1,950 a week. So, say some firm of lawyers feels the heat of an accusation from the liberal media of never having had a lesbian darkie with the palsy on the payroll since 1800, they can simply point to Letisha Birdsong and her “partner” Denise.

But it does not stop there. How often have you thrown a party at which all of the guests are white? Pretty much all the time, I would say if you were anything like me. And so when you say, “I’m not racist, some of my friends are quite black/disabled/gay/democrat/and catholic” it sounds quite hollow, although you really aren’t racist.

That problem is over. Use “Minorities for Every Occasion” and they are as good as their name – several minorities will appear at parties (they are all insured against theft and damage and are regularly checked for drugs and criminal record.) They are ready to say what a great person you are and throw in a few stories. Think of it: a wheelchair-bound gay who will entertain the women-folk; an injun with rheumatism; a Darkie who says he’s Catholic, all on your side.

But hold on! What about that party? What if you want a matching set of fat Momma nigresses to busy themselves cooking and cleaning dressed in black and white, a slant personal man-servant, an Armenian gardener (very much in demand since the Kardashians), the Darkie chauffeur, but you only want them “by the day or week”? Who you gonna call? “Minorities for Every Occasion”!

OK. You are going to make a presentation or giving a public speech. Who’s up there sitting at the long table with you? Whose going to introduce you as "My old friend <insert your name>" Well, at the moment, there’s you, a Landover representative, the Police Chief, a few assorted dignitaries… but where’s the Bi-sexual Eskimo, the one-legged Muslim, the Ginger with psoriasis, the black Autistic? What is it going to look like? White men congratulating White men… Are you serious about donations from everyone in the community? Votes in red-lined areas? Profits from your ideas? Unity in your support for anything?

Who you gonna call?

The rates are reasonable considering the kudos your going to get and the law-suits and bad publicity you’re going to avoid.

“Minorities for Every Occasion” is a serious business and does not recommend hiring more than one or two of the characters for a public address. (Some fight amongst themselves and others’ deformities can be quite distracting, but that is why Zebulun is there to help advise and guide)

Let’s take the examples of the Bi-sexual Eskimo, the one-legged Muslim, the Ginger with psoriasis, the black Autistic above (All can be had with or without stutters, twitches, and/or incontinence.)

  1. Bi-sexual Eskimo, one evening (8 pm to midnight) $250
  2. The one-legged Muslim, Two day event $375 + food and board
  3. The Ginger with psoriasis, Three days two nights $450 + meds.
  4. The black Autistic, A week out of town $1,100 inc. insurance.

Add $50 per day for most other “defects” or $100 for the really serious customer. Zebulun even has one guy from Kyrgyzstan with liberal views in an Iron-Lung!!! (Price on application - you must have an AC power supply.)


These are introductory prices and exclude all state taxes.

________________________________________________

The presentation to Zebulun will take place in Nehimiah Hall, Landover next Tuesday at 8 pm sharp - formal dress. Zebulun has chosen some of his “stars” to take up various positions: audience members, on the board, catering staff, “old friends”, etc. etc. I suggest you come along, for if you do, you’ll feel confident introducing your credentials to strangers with such words as
“Did I tell you the story that my bi-sexual Eskimo told me...”;
“I was speaking to Abdul, I’ve known him for years, and despite the fact that he has only one leg…”;
“Ginger people suffer so much – imagine also having a disfiguring skin condition as well – well, the other night, I was talking with such a person, his name is David, and he told me…”
Of course, you then fill in the blanks with your major point - “Minorities for Every Occasion” is going to be with you all the way and will back you up to the hilt.

PS, if you know anyone with outstanding minority qualifications, let Zebulun know – he’s always wanting to expand his stable. He is particularly looking for a deaf-blind, female Latino but one that can say a few words in English.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-19-2016, 03:17 AM

You wouldn't happen to be looking for an unmarried, shaggy-haired, irreverent, sarcastic, gay-marriage-supporting, dope-smoking Canadian atheist, would you? Unfortunately, due to my present lack of a valid passport (and the USA's paranoiac hypermilitarized fascism since 9/11), any appearances will have to by webcam.


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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-19-2016, 04:43 AM

I would be willing to make myself available for special events. In as much as I am here in Babylon providing diversity for the University of Wisconsin in return for my educational expenses and a paltry expense account of 400 usd weekly I feel that I would be well qualified to provide diversity for private gatherings in the Madison Wisconsin area. My fee could be expected to be quite reasonable. My personal hygiene is excellent and my naps are well coiffed. I am a Black man but I have good manners and I am very charming. I have a West Indies accent that many find interesting and even intelligent sounding. Anyone interested in engaging my services may contact me through this website.


Sing unto God, sing praises to his name: Extol him that rideth upon the heavens By his name JAH, and rejoice before him.-Psalms 68:4
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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-19-2016, 04:41 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
You wouldn't happen to be looking for an unmarried, shaggy-haired, irreverent, sarcastic, gay-marriage-supporting, dope-smoking Canadian atheist, would you?
I'm sorry to disappoint, the demand is particularly low as you can't seem to avoid your type in welfare cues and on street-corners. Another thing is the "aboot" and "eh" noises - they tend to grate. And then there is the inability to speak of anything except hockey.
Quote:
Originally Posted by I Man Rastafari View Post
I would be willing to make myself available for special events.
You have to be "special" for "special events" in order to monetize your disadvantages, you will need at least 3 of them - you're not long-term ill and no insurance are you? ... Oh... wait, forget that - the sympathy and street-cred goes mainly to Whites in that category. And "a paltry expense account of 400 usd weekly" is a little optimistic, although I have taken note of the stereotypical idea that you can get money by doing nothing.
Quote:
I have a West Indies accent that many find interesting and even intelligent sounding.
Quote:
Anyone interested in engaging my services may contact me through this website.
Hey! We are here to promote Godly Businesses, not someone on a bandwagon!





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-19-2016, 04:57 PM

Thank you, Pastor Bathfire, for this and other projects you undertake in your role as Pastor of Diversity and Tolerance. The City Government of Freehold has need occasionally for rented minorities.

As the faithful here know, Freehold has no use for minorities. We are a white and Christian community and intend to remain so.

We do have problems with the State of Iowa's government, however. There are constantly new requirements for tolerance and diversity within the state. While parents mostly homeschool their children in Freehold, we do have students in State Accredited Freehold Public Schools.

The next time we take an "All School" photograph to send to the Iowa Department of Education, we will need to rent some children of various colors. If you could provide these children and remove them immediately after the photograph is taken we would pay whatever fees are required.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-19-2016, 06:10 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
You wouldn't happen to be looking for an unmarried, shaggy-haired, irreverent, sarcastic, gay-marriage-supporting, dope-smoking Canadian atheist, would you?...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
I'm sorry to disappoint, the demand is particularly low as you can't seem to avoid your type in welfare cues...
It's "queues". You're welcome.

Now I admit that some may share a few of my attributes, but where else are you going to find all that in one package? Consider merely the paperwork savings involved in a single-source supplier arrangement, never mind the extensively-chronicled difficulties young Zebulon has with written language, and I'm positive you'll soon see the logic of agreeing to employ me.

But wait! There's more! I'm chronically depressed, with an occasional dandruff flare-up, too! With so many qualifications, I'm sure clients will be knocking down your door in order to procure my services (and I expect my pay-packet to reflect such).

Quote:
...Another thing is the "aboot" and "eh" noises - they tend to grate...
Wisconsonites need not apply, then.

Quote:
...And then there is the inability to speak of anything except hockey...
Like all real Canadians, my expertise also includes curling and advanced igloo construction technique. I await your call, sir.


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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-19-2016, 08:45 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold View Post
The next time we take an "All School" photograph to send to the Iowa Department of Education, we will need to rent some children of various colors. If you could provide these children and remove them immediately after the photograph is taken we would pay whatever fees are required.
Boy, has Zebulun got the very deal for you!

Just after Easter he's offering a gross of assorted ethnic minors, some with excruciatingly abhorrent disabilities, and at least 4 transvestites, for a mere $10 a head per hour (delivery and cleaning afterwards, extra.) I suspect you'll be needing a few "teachers" and a white, mong gardener/janitor?





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-19-2016, 08:53 PM

Pastor, my cleaning lady had a question about this program, pertaining to her niece who is unfortunate enough to have one leg shorter than the other, and so attaches a lego-constructed heel to the shoe on her shortened leg with rubber bands. She's a teen, but looks like she's 12. You'd never know she has three children of her own. Anyway, my cleaning lady had passed on this news to her niece who wonders, if she's hired, will a snack be provided?


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-19-2016, 08:55 PM

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Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
But wait! There's more! I'm chronically depressed, with an occasional dandruff flare-up, too!
I'm a fool to myself with my generosity - I spoke up in your cause to Zebulun - He want's you to go address a meeting of Demoncrats - he'll give you the script written by a prominent local Republican. It's something about pre-1600 Algonquin atonal poetry as a paradigm for the plight of the urban poor in a post-modernist economy and lasts 4 hours 43. The anonymous sponsor is willing to offer a bonus for each audience member who is rendered as equally depressed as you and $1,000 the collapse of any Demoncrat local organization through apathy and general lack of motivation.

Send your $100 registration fee back with the signed copy of "The Agreement." Pay attention to para 57(b(ii)(a) - Bobby Joe is serious.






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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-19-2016, 09:03 PM

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Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Pastor, my cleaning lady [...] her niece [...] one leg shorter than the other, [...]lego-constructed heel [...]t looks like she's 12. [...] if she's hired, will a snack be provided?
Depends on the time of day.

How much shorter is the smaller leg? Does the woman do anything but limp? e.g. fall over, have fits? She'll probably be OK for accompanying the cattle judge at the Landover Church Agricultural Fair come June.

There's a possibility of using her on a fundraiser for "Bibles for African Hell-Holes" does she object to wearing a grass skirt?





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-19-2016, 09:14 PM

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Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
How much shorter is the smaller leg? Does the woman do anything but limp? e.g. fall over, have fits? She'll probably be OK for accompanying the cattle judge at the Landover Church Agricultural Fair come June.
She can reach surprisingly far, surprisingly fast to slap her three children back into some semblance of order. Not bad for a teen with a colostomy bag. They're a "rainbow" family, I think they're called, so there's that. Not sodomites, but each one is a different color, if you know what I mean. She's not adverse to keeping them from food for the day so they look particularly hungry. The little ones will cry, but if they're hungry enough, the cry is no more than a tiny whimper.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
There's a possibility of using her on a fundraiser for "Bibles for African Hell-Holes" does she object to wearing a grass skirt?
For lunch, she'll do just about anything.


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-20-2016, 07:41 AM

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Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
...Send your $100 registration fee back with the signed copy of "The Agreement."...
Um, yeah, about that. Can you get Zeb to send the fax again, but this time, put the sheets in face down so I don't get 173 blank pages at this end? That'd be great.


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Default Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-21-2016, 04:01 AM

I'm going to be giving a presentation on Republican values to a group of UT Austin students next month, and I'm going to want something to show real diversity and tolerance.


I'm thinking a left-handed retarded blind midget transgendered lesbian Negro Hassidic Joo with multiple sclerosis would do the trick. I would specify an atheist one, but retard already has that covered. All she would have to do is wear an I Love Trump tee shirt and wave a tiny American flag while drooling.


Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
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Smile Re: Minorities for Every Occasion - 02-22-2016, 06:47 AM

Yes, Mr. Bathfire. It is Harsha Shah here.


I was reading the posts and this one was catching my attention. Yes. I am also in a minority when I am working at our school. Yes. We do also have a male teacher from Pakistan but he is a Muslim and not of the small religions. As some of you have been reading I am a secular Jainist. It is a minority religion, yes.

Yes. I could be travelling to your school for an exchange program as a regular teacher of a minority religion and perhaps one of your teachers could be coming to us. Yes.

Yes, but we could be going futher. I am thinking that in the world fundamentalist christianity is a minority, yes. There are only very few of those where I live and teach. It would be interesting to show our pupils how you think. The white man is also in a small minority if we are thinking about the whole world. Yes. You could be travelling to Asia and Africa showing the peoples there that you are also normal human beings who are having children and loving them and working like regular people. This would be increasing the understanding between nations, yes. I hope that I am not offending you but you must be knowing that your way of christianity is gradually disappearing and it would be interesting to preserve it to future generations and scientists as documents and recordings. Yes. I am thinking that this could be a wonderful idea. Yes.


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A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak."
Yes. Women are saving lives. It is time we are speaking! Yes!
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