[looking4light]

Hey everyone, my name is Clyde and I'm hoping to join this community to look for helping hands on the way back to The Lord. I've strayed for many years, and my path has cost me nearly everything I cared about.
I've seen anger and inspiration on here in equal measure, but I hope that God has pushed me onto this path to find inspiration.
Anyhow. Hi everyone, hope to make some good friends here.

[Flat Lander]

I'm sure you'll make good friends here. I'll be your friend. I used to be a Mormon, but I'm trying to learn Christianity.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Hi Clyde, we don't mind if you were named after Clint Eastwood's monkey, it's possible that you will receive a warm welcome here.

Tell us a little about yourself; favorite Bible verse, name of your church, the abomination you committed to make Jesus send you here, what pies your wife bakes, etc.

[A sub Human]

Originally Posted by looking4light

Hey everyone, my name is Clyde and I'm hoping to join this community to look for helping hands on the way back to The Lord. I've strayed for many years, and my path has cost me nearly everything I cared about.
I've seen anger and inspiration on here in equal measure, but I hope that God has pushed me onto this path to find inspiration.
Anyhow. Hi everyone, hope to make some good friends here.

You're not going to find anything here, that's for sure. Intact these people will transform you into a racist sexist monster who believes the rest of the world will burn in hell. I suggest reading a Bible and simply interpreting it for yourself, and come to self-realization.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Don't listen to Sub Human, Clyde. She is unsaved trash. What she meant to say was...

Originally Posted by A sub Human

You're going to find something wonderful here, that's for sure. Intact In fact, these people will transform you into a Saved® True Christian™ who believes the rest of the world will burn in hell, which is true per Matthew 7:13. I suggest reading a KJV Bible and reading it literally, which is the only correct way of doing so.

[Flat Lander]

Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne

Don't listen to Sub Human, Clyde. She is unsaved trash. What she meant to say was...

I love how you are able to discern the TRUE intentions of what someone meant to say. That is a gift from God. I suspect you are also an expert interpreter of tongues.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Originally Posted by Flat Lander

I love how you are able to discern the TRUE intentions of what someone meant to say. That is a gift from God. I suspect you are also an expert interpreter of tongues.

Well, I am a well-educated man. I have two doctoral degrees in theology and Biblical studies, but I'm not the type to brag about it. In Bible college, I was at the head of my class in Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic. Of course, I'm not as sharp as I was in those languages as I was fifty years ago, but the command I have of these languages is what solidified my faith that the King James Version is the purest translation there is.

[Flat Lander]

Thank you, Rev. Jim, for letting me sit at your virtual feet. I sure would love to hear some preaching in Aramaic some time, but of course I wouldn't understand a word of it.

I mean it, someday, I'm coming to Freehold.

[Lola Handcock]

Originally Posted by Flat Lander

Thank you, Rev. Jim, for letting me sit at your virtual feet. I sure would love to hear some preaching in Aramaic some time, but of course I wouldn't understand a word of it.

I mean it, someday, I'm coming to Freehold.

So you were a Mormon....what are the three levels of Heaven? what do you call the leader of you branch? what do you call the leader of your ward?
Who are the members of the quorum of twelve...What tribe of Israel did the matriarch tell you ,that you were descended from?If I have just been baptised can I go to a Temple for more blessings?

[Flat Lander]

Originally Posted by Lola Sledge

So you were a Mormon....what are the three levels of Heaven? what do you call the leader of you branch? what do you call the leader of your ward?
Who are the members of the quorum of twelve...What tribe of Israel did the matriarch tell you ,that you were descended from?If I have just been baptised can I go to a Temple for more blessings?

Lola, thanks for asking. I get the feeling you are testing me. I was first counselor in two different bishoprics and served on the high council, including in the stake mission presidency, I was ward clerk several times, EQP at least twice, and also a WML, so I am well acquainted with most LDS stuff.

Levels of Heaven - Telestial, Terrestrial, Celestial (but I always get the order of the first two mixed up. Mormons really only want to go to the third one, that's where you get to be polygamous, sealed for eternity, etc.).

Current members of the Twelve, I don't know all of them from memory any longer, but when I was active they were Boyd K Packer, L. Tom Perry, David B. Haight, Neal A. Maxwell, Russell M. Nelson, M. Russell Ballard, Dallin H. Oaks, Robert D. Hales, Joseph B. Wirthlin, Jeffrey R. Holland, and Henry B. Eyring. (Dang, I missed one, that's only 11). Now, Eyring is 1st Counselor in the First Presidency, Haight, Maxwell and Wirthlin are dead and replaced with new guys (including Neil L. Anderson whom I've met personally).

Branches are led by Branch Presidents (it was a branch president that performed my wedding ceremony--at the time bishops were allowed do perform weddings, but branch presidents had to get special permission--he did).

Wards are headed by bishops. Wait a year to go to the temple after baptism, my "new name" was Moses, my wife's was "Rachel". I think I was told that I was descended through Ephraim, and that was by the stake patriarch, there are no matriarchs. (Although a temple president's wife is called a Temple Matron.)

Did I pass the test?

[Lola Handcock]

well either you did a little research or you really are a Mormon.you even caught the matriarch ....Now why did you leave ? My Ma and kids just left for a cult compound in Idaho....Sucked in by the lure of special underwear I expect.

[Lola Handcock]

Oh I for got some thing Have you cast all of the demons from your self ? We all have them. Do you burn candles? How do you fell about Homers? When you were Baptised did the missionaries ask you if you ever had sexual relations with a man? Was your baptism a full submersion?

[Ritchie Mccrow]

Originally Posted by looking4light

Hey everyone, my name is Clyde and I'm hoping to join this community to look for helping hands on the way back to The Lord. I've strayed for many years, and my path has cost me nearly everything I cared about.
I've seen anger and inspiration on here in equal measure, but I hope that God has pushed me onto this path to find inspiration.
Anyhow. Hi everyone, hope to make some good friends here.

Welcome to God favorite forum young man.
Your in good hands with all the godly members here. As you can see I'm still trying to find the right path, but one day I'll be a True Christian and I'll be saved. Praise Jesus
I was into beastiality before and you were a Mormon. So I guess we have alot in common

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by looking4light

Hey everyone, my name is Clyde and I'm hoping to join this community to look for helping hands on the way back to The Lord. I've strayed for many years, and my path has cost me nearly everything I cared about.
I've seen anger and inspiration on here in equal measure, but I hope that God has pushed me onto this path to find inspiration.
Anyhow. Hi everyone, hope to make some good friends here.

Welcome friend. Please tell us about yourself. How old are you? What Church do you attend? Being that you're British, do you have any teeth left?

I hope you'll read through our Church Doctrines and familiarize yourself with Landover Baptist's Divine Mission.

[Brother Enoch]

Originally Posted by Ritchie Mccrow

Welcome to God favorite forum young man.
Your in good hands with all the godly members here. As you can see I'm still trying to find the right path, but one day I'll be a True Christian and I'll be saved. Praise Jesus
I was into beastiality before and you were a Mormon. So I guess we have alot in common

When you find the 'right path', do you also expect to become functionally literate?

Though I have seen worse; There are only six grammatical errors in your post. Perhaps you're not completely without the hope of redemption.

[Flat Lander]

Originally Posted by Lola Sledge

Oh I for got some thing Have you cast all of the demons from your self ? We all have them. Do you burn candles? How do you fell about Homers? When you were Baptised did the missionaries ask you if you ever had sexual relations with a man? Was your baptism a full submersion?

You asked why I left Mormonism. Well, the simple, straight-forward answer is this. I no longer thought that Mormonism was God's true plan. It just didn't make sense for Mormonism to be true.

No, the missionaries didn't ask me about sexual relations with men, and I haven't done any demon casting out. Is there a manual I can get that explains how to do that? Should I use fragrant candles?

Boy, there sure is a lot to learn.

Mormon baptisms are full immersion baptisms, and if the person doesn't go completely under the water, you have to do it again. I once was baptizing someone who was afraid of the water and had to use a judo move on them to get them under the water.

Oh, and I remembered that 12th member of the 12 (from back in the day) his name was Richard G. Scott. He always kinda creeped me out when he talked, something between sing-songy and asleep.

Thanks, Lola, for showing Christian love and interest in me.

I can tell it's going to be a long, hard road to become a good Christian like you my new friend Brother Avatar, but I'm going to work at it like heck. (Is it ok to use phrases such as "like heck" ?)

[Emil Sledge]

Originally Posted by Flat Lander

Should I use fragrant candles?

GOD ALMIGHTY, NO! NO CANDLES!

I only hope we aren't too late.

Hey.... , how come you got that fudge packer avatar, Flat Lander?

[Lola Handcock]

Originally Posted by Flat Lander

. Is there a manual I can get that explains how to do that? Should I use fragrant candles?

Well I guess I am writing one now,its a work in progress

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=31404


and do not use any candles of any kind !!!!!!!Go to the thread and read more!!!

And welcome,I know you are not a troll ....May the Good Lord bless you and your family.

and Heck is OK !

[Flat Lander]

WOW, that was close!

Thanks Lola and Emil. I was just getting ready to go look for some candles to get rid of the demons. I'm glad I came here first.

And regarding the avatar, I had never noticed how much it looked like a rainbow before. I explained to Marshall on another thread it was a drawing of what I remembered my lip looked like after my loving, caring father followed the Biblical admonition not "spare the rod" on me and beat with his fists for driving the tractor into the creek.

I'm going to look for a new avatar, but I should would appreciate some suggestions from you guys, because it seems I keep ALMOST doing something bad, and I don't want to do bad things, because doing bad things is like sinning and sinning is bad.

[Lola Handcock]

the VERY BEST AVATAR YOU COULD USE IS THE IMMAGE THE GOOD LORD GAVE YOU,YOURSELF.Just be your self

May the Good Lord bless and protect . Remember NO candles. peace be with you.