The introduction forum Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus. |
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Posts: 29
Join Date: Oct 2006
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Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 02:53 AM
I am now living in the Ol Soljer's Home in Dime Box, Texas on account of my last wife left me. I am the best gentleman I can be...I think I been baptized 14 times by immersion, 7 by dippin, and sprinkled with a wet rose 3 or 4 time. But ol' Satan, he kept after me, and I just caint keep from chasing after purty little women. Paraise Jesus!
I had to lye about my age to get into Landover--they wouldn't believe me when I told um I was born in 18 and 95, said it had to be some time between 1901 and 2006. So I think I put down 1902. Fact is I'm 111 years old, not just 104 like I had to put down. But I got a lot a spark left in me, and I'd surely like to find me a nice little Christian lady to hep me out. She don't have to be perty, but she oughta be strong 'cause she going to have to help me get on the pot. Praise Jesus!!
I woulda posted my pitcher, but they wouldn't let me. Any a you pretty young thangs want to hep a old man in his last days?
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Spiritual Mother of LBC
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,341
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IA
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 03:18 AM
Perhaps you should post a Godly ad in our Christian Singles Forum. I know at your age, the women outnumber the men by 10 to 1. But of course, many older gals have wised up and don't want another man to take care of. Anyway, welcome to Jesus' favorite church. Sister Glendora
Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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Posts: 29
Join Date: Oct 2006
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 03:21 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson
Perhaps you should post a Godly ad in our Christian Singles Forum. I know at your age, the women outnumber the men by 10 to 1. But of course, many older gals have wised up and don't want another man to take care of. Anyway, welcome to Jesus' favorite church. Sister Glendora
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How about you? Would you be willin to take up light housekeepin with me? You look sturdy.
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Spiritual Mother of LBC
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,341
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IA
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 03:26 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Heller
How about you? Would you be willin to take up light housekeepin with me? You look sturdy.
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Before the other ladies of Landover start their cackling, I had better explain that I am happily married to my husband Elmer. But thanks for the comment (I think). Did I mention, I have a neck ache? It goes along with the sturdy bits.
Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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Scientific Advisor
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,369
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Landover Baptist University for the Saved, Corridor 17C
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 04:13 AM
Ms. Glendora I would beware -- this homer may be looking to kidnap you. This is how they always start: "want to come help me with my light housekeeping".... Next thing you know, you're at the bottom of a pit, naked with no clothes and being forced to listen to pre-raping demon-worshipping music. This has all the earmarks of an aggressive mooslim trying to trick you into something -- beware!
Trump 2020: "For Real This Time"
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Spiritual Mother of LBC
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,341
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IA
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 04:25 AM
Thank you for being such kind and good Christian, John. But you needn't worry. Elmer and our Lord Jesus Christ are the only men I clean house for. But I do like to welcome new members. And it is important to allow for a little forward behavior from the unsaved heathens who come here for help. I just hope Mr. Heller's Viagra isn't doing the talking for him.
Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 12:23 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Heller
I am now living in the Ol Soljer's Home in Dime Box, Texas on account of my last wife left me. I am the best gentleman I can be...I think I been baptized 14 times by immersion, 7 by dippin, and sprinkled with a wet rose 3 or 4 time. But ol' Satan, he kept after me, and I just caint keep from chasing after purty little women. Paraise Jesus!
I had to lye about my age to get into Landover--they wouldn't believe me when I told um I was born in 18 and 95, said it had to be some time between 1901 and 2006. So I think I put down 1902. Fact is I'm 111 years old, not just 104 like I had to put down. But I got a lot a spark left in me, and I'd surely like to find me a nice little Christian lady to hep me out. She don't have to be perty, but she oughta be strong 'cause she going to have to help me get on the pot. Praise Jesus!!
I woulda posted my pitcher, but they wouldn't let me. Any a you pretty young thangs want to hep a old man in his last days?
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Brother, please tell me, I'm very well used to looking after old GitsOld fellas like yourself. My Dear departed husband was 96 years old when he sadly passed away following a tragic accident involving our Limo.
I have few needs apart from the usual Maids, Servants, Drivers, Pilot's, Diamonds, Large Houses in many countries of the world.
I can send my man Servant over to collect you so we can meet, and I can prepare a contract myself to greet you.
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Posts: 29
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 05:29 PM
Well, Sissy, that's a right perty picture of you there, but how come you was hangin around with a 96-year-old codger? Is there sumpin' you ain't tellin me? How's about you come over and we have a quiet little hour of prayer and praisin' Jesus? By the way, I still got some a my own teeths, praise Jesus.
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 05:41 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Heller
Well, Sissy, that's a right perty picture of you there, but how come you was hangin around with a 96-year-old codger? Is there sumpin' you ain't tellin me? How's about you come over and we have a quiet little hour of prayer and praisin' Jesus? By the way, I still got some a my own teeths, praise Jesus.
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Well, I enjoy being a companion for old Coots Gentlemen like yourself.
Can you send your Limo over to collect me plus my 4 bodyguards?
I'll wear my prettiest dress and we can sit and talk about your money colourful past.
YIC
Talitha
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Christ's Cōnsiliārius
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Posts: 9,311
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 05:46 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Heller
How's about you come over and we have a quiet little hour of prayer and praisin' Jesus?
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I'd like to see that my ownself. GODLY Sister Talitha makes Anna Nicole look like Sally Fields.
Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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Unsaved trash
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Posts: 29
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 09:13 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle
I'd like to see that my ownself. GODLY Sister Talitha makes Anna Nicole look like Sally Fields.
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Brother Al, a old man like me kin be kind of slow...praise Jesus! But I aint so slow that I doant reconize when a preacher is gettin horney. If Sister Talitha comes over to pray with me, I think she might want it to be just me and her.
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Youthful soldier of Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 86
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Land of Chavs, England
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 09:54 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Heller
Brother Al, a old man like me kin be kind of slow...praise Jesus! But I aint so slow that I doant reconize when a preacher is gettin horney. If Sister Talitha comes over to pray with me, I think she might want it to be just me and her.
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....You will make sure you keep those bodyguards nice and close won't you Sister Talitha??
~Rain
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-07-2006, 10:09 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain
....You will make sure you keep those bodyguards nice and close won't you Sister Talitha??
~Rain
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Of course Sister Rain. Every Good True Christian™ Woman should have at least one Chaperone and I happen to have four.
These Guys are Special forces trained and stay by my side at ALL times.
You never know when a big Buck Negra is going to jump out of the bushes and rape you.
Listen Mr Old Heller, I shall call around after Church tomorrow to meet you. Security have already checked out your building and the surrounding area and it seems to be clear, but you may get a knock on your door an hour before my arrival when someone may wish to check out the inside of your house.
I hope you understand my caution but my ex In-Laws still hold a grudge against me. I don't understand why. I was left that money fair and square.
The Police Chief was paid off more than happy with my version of events which were witnessed by my Mexican Gardener who unfortunately mysteriously vanished after signing a statement clearing me of any involvement.
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Posts: 29
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-08-2006, 07:01 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha
Of course Sister Rain. Every Good True Christian™ Woman should have at least one Chaperone and I happen to have four.
These Guys are Special forces trained and stay by my side at ALL times.
You never know when a big Buck Negra is going to jump out of the bushes and rape you.
Listen Mr Old Heller, I shall call around after Church tomorrow to meet you. Security have already checked out your building and the surrounding area and it seems to be clear, but you may get a knock on your door an hour before my arrival when someone may wish to check out the inside of your house.
I hope you understand my caution but my ex In-Laws still hold a grudge against me. I don't understand why. I was left that money fair and square.
The Police Chief was paid off more than happy with my version of events which were witnessed by my Mexican Gardener who unfortunately mysteriously vanished after signing a statement clearing me of any involvement.
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Alas, False Christian Sister Taliban has let a ole man down. I waited and waited in front a the Soljer's home in Dime Box, and they wasn't a soul who even drove thru town. Being one of the last veterans of Double You Double You One, Im gettin perty used to bein forgot, tho.
Maybe some of you Real Church Ladies will come pray with and sit by a pore old man, since Sister Taliban caint be bothered. By the way, I'm gonna tell God what she did. Praise Jesus!!
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True Christian™ Theologian
Forum Member
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Posts: 3,979
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-08-2006, 07:04 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Heller
Alas, False Christian Sister Taliban has let a ole man down. I waited and waited in front a the Soljer's home in Dime Box, and they wasn't a soul who even drove thru town. Being one of the last veterans of Double You Double You One, Im gettin perty used to bein forgot, tho.
Maybe some of you Real Church Ladies will come pray with and sit by a pore old man, since Sister Taliban caint be bothered. By the way, I'm gonna tell God what she did. Praise Jesus!!
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You dare call Godly sister Talitha a false Christian?!
Watch yourself, you little homer, or Jesus will send you to hell.
(He has done so before with MANY who has wronged her.)
If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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Re: Hep me please! -
10-08-2006, 07:44 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Heller
Alas, False Christian Sister Taliban has let a ole man down. I waited and waited in front a the Soljer's home in Dime Box, and they wasn't a soul who even drove thru town. Being one of the last veterans of Double You Double You One, Im gettin perty used to bein forgot, tho.
Maybe some of you Real Church Ladies will come pray with and sit by a pore old man, since Sister Taliban caint be bothered. By the way, I'm gonna tell God what she did. Praise Jesus!!
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Why you old Homer!!
How dare you insult me!
After further investigation I found that you haven't got a Penny to your name.
I also found that you're not an "Old Veteran" at all, but an old Vet. In other words a Retired Veterinary Surgeon who made his meagre wealth shoving Thermometers up Cat's you-know-what's and Castrating Dogs.
I also found that you're not really 115 years old, you are just so ugly you look it!
Be careful you don't have an "unfortunate accident" in the next few days. You've only escaped an eternity in Hell temporarily.
Oh, by the way, just to make your day, I own rather large shares in that Old Soldiers Home where you live.
You better start packing.
God knows everything we all do you Old Coot, and he certainly gives his Blessings to all my actions as a True Christian™ and Triple Platinum Tither.
The Lord works in wonderful ways.
PRAISE©
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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