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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Could This be the Bride for Me? -
09-09-2016, 01:42 PM
Attachment 26069
Brothers,
Several months ago I placed an ad on Christian Tingle in search of an appropriate bride. The woman above has responded to my ad with the following reply. I am asking you as responsible and faithful men of GOD to give me your opinion as to whether the LORD would bless our union should I choose to respond to her inquiry. Here is what she wrote me:
Praise God! My name is Brucie and I am responding to your handsome photo listed in Christian Tingle. I am 22, 6'3, 198 pounds. I am a born again widow whose husband was killed in the line of duty as a bouncer at a gay bar. God has removed my grief and replaced it with a longing for a man like you. I love to cook, clean, and knit. I can crochet. I sing in the choir of my church (bass) and a member of a local prayer warrior group at Spike (a private Christian club). My goal is to meet someone like you, whose lordship over me would be complete and who would sire many sons for the glory of God's kingdom. You can reach me at (gives phone number).
So, what do you think, men? A prize like this doesn't come along every day, but she is not virginal. Since her husband is dead it would not be adultery, correct? Could this be THE one?
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
Last edited by BrotherLarry; 03-20-2018 at 02:49 AM.
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,742
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Could This be the Bride for Me? -
09-09-2016, 06:09 PM
Um....
6'3 seems awfully tall, don't you think?
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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True Christian™ Lady Extraordinaire, an Honorary Male Biblicist
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Posts: 8,775
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Surrounded by heathens
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Re: Could This be the Bride for Me? -
09-09-2016, 06:21 PM
Well, Sister, I suppose she would probably produce tall sons, like Saul. 1 Samuel 9:2.
Is she related to Mrs. Isaac Peters, I wonder? Because there's a very strong resemblance.
Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 119
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Caliphate of Canuckistan
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Re: Could This be the Bride for Me? -
09-09-2016, 06:47 PM
Dark eyebrows yet blond hair: it appears that the carpet doesn't match the drapes, in the parlance of our times, good Brother.
I'd pass on this peroxide piranha.
Yours naturally in Christ,
Leroy Llewelyn
Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
1 Peter 3:3
And they entered into a covenant to seek the Lord God of their fathers with all their heart and with all their soul; That whosoever would not seek the Lord God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman. 2 Chronicles 15:12-13
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Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
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Posts: 22,742
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
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Re: Could This be the Bride for Me? -
09-09-2016, 07:14 PM
Nevertheless, she ticks a few of the main boxes: 1Tm:2:9: In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
However, I would say that it is more a question of bearing your sons: how does she feel about this?
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True Christian™
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Posts: 9,361
Join Date: Jan 2007
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Re: Could This be the Bride for Me? -
09-09-2016, 10:52 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire
Nevertheless, she ticks a few of the main boxes: 1Tm:2:9: In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
However, I would say that it is more a question of bearing your sons: how does she feel about this?
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I have some concerns that this one might be incapable of bearing sons and soldiers for Christ. It's hard to explain, but I'd check out that Adam's apple.
This instructional video is all I could find on such short notice, and you have to try and ignore the obnoxious and annoying Millennial twit in the video (these young "science" types think they know everything).
Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
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Possibly retarded pothead
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Posts: 1,003
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Here in Babylon
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Re: Could This be the Bride for Me? -
09-10-2016, 04:52 AM
I saw that picture and she looks like a Bulgarian woman to me.
Sing unto God, sing praises to his name: Extol him that rideth upon the heavens By his name JAH, and rejoice before him.-Psalms 68:4
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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Re: Could This be the Bride for Me? -
09-10-2016, 01:21 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leroy Llewelyn
Dark eyebrows yet blond hair: it appears that the carpet doesn't match the drapes, in the parlance of our times, good Brother.
I'd pass on this peroxide piranha.
Yours naturally in Christ,
Leroy Llewelyn
Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
1 Peter 3:3
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Leroy, My bro, my man, my bud:
Even though your ordination remains a puzzlement to me, I do value your input. While "piranha" seems a bit extreme, I am beginning to wonder about whether she is the one for me. She did send additional photos. One was before she decolorized her hair. The other is her as a young girl. Her beauty is apparent, but there is just something about this situation that doesn't mesh with my spirit. Pray for me, bro', since I desire companionship very strongly. Hey, let's you and me go camping.
Attachment 26071 Attachment 26072
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
Last edited by BrotherLarry; 03-20-2018 at 02:49 AM.
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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Re: Could This be the Bride for Me? -
09-10-2016, 10:26 PM
Well, no need for further advice. I've decided this one isn't for me. Nope, I am sure another will be made available to me one day.
Perhaps a young widow.
I mean, not anyone in particular. Just a young widow with a couple of sons already. Or someone else that the Lord deems suitable.
GLORY GLORY GLORY GLORY GLORY GLORY GLORY
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
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