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Electrified by Jesus
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Posts: 95
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Location: Mom's basement
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I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
04-18-2014, 10:11 AM
Attila's Wife said I should make a post here. My mom agreed. I am Bob. My mom says I am a catch. My father left the house. He left for a Catholic priest who is 27 years older than him. They know each other for a long time. My mom says all Catholics will burn in Hell because they ignore the Bible. I also collect small stones.
If you want to be my girlfriend you have to ask my mom. She wants to be sure you are not a slut before you become my girlfriend. I cannot wait to get a girlfriend. My mom says it will be any day now.
I got this list from my Pastor. They are tips from the Bible for finding a girlfriend. I hope it helps me finding a girlfriend.
1) Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 21:11-13)
2) “Lay hold on” a virgin who is not betrothed to another man, and "know" her, but afterwards pay her father a sum of money. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 22:28-29)
3) Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
4) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.--Moses (Ex. 2:16-21)
5) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.--Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
6) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.--Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
7) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.--Adam (Gen. 2:19-24)
8) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife.--Jacob (Gen. 29:15-30)
9) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.--David (1 Sam. 18:27)
10) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone.--Cain (Gen. 4:16-17)
11) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.--Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
12) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.”--Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
13) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though.)--David (2 Sam. 11)
14) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law!)--Onan and Boaz (Deut. or Lev., example in Ruth)
15) Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.--Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
16) A wife?--Paul (1st Corinthians, chapter 7)
Bob's mom: "Bob is 'special' and unemployed but otherwise a catch!"
John 20:29: "...blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed."
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True Christian Lady™, Certified Best Friend of Jesus
True Christian™
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Posts: 653
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Freehold, Iowa, God's Nation!
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
04-18-2014, 10:30 AM
Well if all goes according to plan with Eva Christianson's husband , then I bet she would go for you .
Thinking of Abortion?
That fetus will be in Hell, because they never had a chance to repent their sinful ways (Psalms 51:5) (1 Kings 8:46)
Think of the children. Stop being a slut.
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True Christian™ with a quiverful
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Posts: 2,243
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Location: In the kitchen
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
04-18-2014, 10:37 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Thompson
Well if all goes according to plan with Eva Christianson's husband , then I bet she would go for you .
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Before that is suggested, we should ask Bob if he has both 2 stones and an undamaged privy member.
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True Christian Lady™, Certified Best Friend of Jesus
True Christian™
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Posts: 653
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Freehold, Iowa, God's Nation!
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
04-18-2014, 10:50 AM
Yes indeed, Mother of Seven. Brother Bob, are you are a whole man?
Thinking of Abortion?
That fetus will be in Hell, because they never had a chance to repent their sinful ways (Psalms 51:5) (1 Kings 8:46)
Think of the children. Stop being a slut.
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Electrified by Jesus
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Posts: 95
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Mom's basement
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
04-18-2014, 11:32 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Thompson
Brother Bob, are you are a whole man?
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I asked my mom what you meant by this and then she got very angry. She said I disappointed her and Jesus and started crying. She cries a lot.
My Pastor was visiting me in the hospital today. He visits me a lot. He is a great man. He wanted to know when I would start working on his pool again. When I told him about your question he seemed surprised. Then some things happened I want never to talk about. Ever. Then my Pastor said the answer to your question is yes. He also said that I am not one of those Matthew 19:12 eunuchs. I don't know what that means. I hope this will help me finding a girlfriend. It was very unpleasant.
Bob's mom: "Bob is 'special' and unemployed but otherwise a catch!"
John 20:29: "...blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed."
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True Christian™ with a quiverful
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Posts: 2,243
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Location: In the kitchen
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
04-18-2014, 12:42 PM
Bob, I'm sure Sister Mary will join me in apologising to you, if asking that question caused you so much grief and pain
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
04-18-2014, 01:26 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mother Of Seven
Before that is suggested, we should ask Bob if he has both 2 stones and an undamaged privy member.
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Mo7, Bob does mention in his first post that he collects small stones. I would assume that this means he has more than 2.
Bob dear, what with dividing your time between your mom's basement and your pastor's pool hole, it strikes me that you're probably not meeting a lot of women. Unless you want to restrict your options to No. 7 on your list - and God is a busy deity who probably has more urgent matters to attend to - then you probably need to get out more.
The hospital is a good start. Are there any young nurses there who have not yet been sullied by the work? If you went into the mental health department, you might get lucky.
In any event, always remember Proverbs 12:4 and do not settle for damaged goods. A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: But she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.
YiC
AW
2 Timothy 3:16
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
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True Christian™ with a quiverful
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Posts: 2,243
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Location: In the kitchen
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
04-18-2014, 01:40 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Attila's Wife
Mo7, Bob does mention in his first post that he collects small stones. I would assume that this means he has more than 2.
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Is that a good or a bad thing?
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Electrified by Jesus
Forum Member
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Posts: 95
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Mom's basement
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
04-18-2014, 09:36 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Attila's Wife
Are there any young nurses there who have not yet been sullied by the work?
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I asked my mom about this and then she got mad. She said all nurses are whores. So I am not allowed to ask a nurse to become my girlfriend. Then she hit me when I looked at one of the nurses. There are a lot of nurses here so now I am not sure what I am supposed to look at. So I suppose I have to stare at my stones all day.
Bob's mom: "Bob is 'special' and unemployed but otherwise a catch!"
John 20:29: "...blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed."
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
04-18-2014, 09:42 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob
I asked my mom about this and then she got mad. She said all nurses are whores. So I am not allowed to ask a nurse to become my girlfriend. Then she hit me when I looked at one of the nurses. There are a lot of nurses here so now I am not sure what I am supposed to look at. So I suppose I have to stare at my stones all day.
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Welcome to the forums, dear. Perhaps you could spend that time looking at the pages of your Holy Bible. Spending time with Jesus is the most important thing anyone can do!
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Unsaved Trash, suspected spastic
Under Investigation
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Posts: 14
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: godless florida
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
01-03-2015, 01:15 AM
Hello Bob, my name is Sydney and I enjoyed reading your post. I am having a difficult time finding someone. There really aren't single men at my church and its hard finding a christian man outside of church. I would be interested in getting to know you. I've been saved for two years now. I was raised in church my entire life. I'm so thankful for His grace and mercy. Hope you have a wonderful week, Sydney.
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
01-03-2015, 01:23 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Syd0895
Hello Bob, my name is Sydney and I enjoyed reading your post. I am having a difficult time finding someone. There really aren't single men at my church and its hard finding a christian man outside of church. I would be interested in getting to know you. I've been saved for two years now. I was raised in church my entire life. I'm so thankful for His grace and mercy. Hope you have a wonderful week, Sydney.
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Please make a thread of your own in the " Introductions" section of the forum, so that we can properly greet you. Tell us about yourself, your church, and how you came to find Jesus.
And if you're here to flame us, better take a look at THIS before making an even bigger ass out of yourself.
I will pray that the Holy Spirit enter you and chase the demons out of your rectum and let Jesus fill you with His Grace. If you use your God-given free will to reject Christ and His temporary death on the cross for my sins, then you are sending yourself to hellfire.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Unsaved Trash, suspected spastic
Under Investigation
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Posts: 14
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: godless florida
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
01-03-2015, 01:36 AM
Bob, I want a godly boyfriend as well....It's hard to find one these days!
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Serving Jesus
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,470
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Godly Texas, Besieged by Papist Idol Worshippers
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Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend! -
01-03-2015, 01:38 AM
The investigation is not going well for you. It is unwise to defy the Pastor.
God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11
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