[Free Market Fred]

Greetings, fellow True Christians!

It's September now, time for my company to issue another quarterly report to shareholders. Of course, we do that four times a year, but this report was of particular interest due to recent events which have international investors very worried.

As some of you might know, there were recent big losses on the Chink Stock Exchange (CSE). This affects more than just the Chink public, but also many American and European hedge funds, retirement funds, etc, which hold stocks and bonds in Asian exchanges. Even many small municipalities hold these foreign stocks and bonds, though they might not know it since we bury the details in thousand-page documents churned out by robo-subcontractors, many of which are also located in Asian countries, usually ones that don't have extradition agreements with the USA.

Anyway, the good news is that my company had stellar earnings this quarter, despite the fact that our entire car and chemical manufacturing facilities in Tianjin, China, caught fire and exploded on August 12. You may have seen some of the dramatic photos in the liberal media.





How could such a disaster happen, and yet my company is reporting record profits? Well, by lucky coincidence, we actually sold all those manufacturing facilities to a few teachers' unions just two days before the explosions. Furthermore, also by sheer coincidence, we shorted those bonds just three hours before the disaster - of course, those bonds dropped to zero in net worth, resulting in a 99% profit on the deal for us. This is even better than the profit we earned on 9/11 when we shorted United Airlines the day before the Twin Towers were destroyed (we also coincidentally shorted the stocks of the insurance company that had to pay for that disaster).

To top it off, having the entire inventory of Chink-made cars destroyed (which were severely overstocked) greatly boosted the value of our competing auto manufacturing facilities in Japan.

In other words, for our shareholders it was a win-win-win! Of course, it was all just a lucky coincidence. I attribute this to the guiding hand of The Lord, who looks down from Heaven favorably on my company thanks to our donations to the Republican Party. Ultimately, investors rely on their luck, which is fine just as long as you don't leave luck to chance.

And when all else fails, there are always bailouts, which are a win-win for taxpayers and the free market, since bailouts increase corporate profits and thus we one-percenters pay more taxes (at least in the Cayman Islands). I personally paid literally hundreds of dollars in US taxes myself last year. As we like to say here at my company, "What's good for Uranus is good for the USA!"

[eggcake]

Could those horrid people be lying to you?
It is terrible that you have experienced such a terrible loss, I hope you can regain as soon as possible!

[Des]

Originally Posted by Free Market Fred

To top it off, having the entire inventory of Chink-made cars destroyed (which were severely overstocked) greatly boosted the value of our competing auto manufacturing facilities in Japan.

If I hadn't found that fortune cookie message-minus the actual cookie-in my mailbox four weeks ago, I never would have thought to sell my stock in Hyundai, Kia, Renault, Toyota, and Volkswagen. Incredible how detailed those fortune cookies are these days.

[Nobar King]

I wish I had the insight to invest like that. It always seems like I make investments but they just lose money.

[James Hutchins]

I thanked Jesus no Christians were involved. No doubt the place was covered with slopes the following day. Those people are like ants, you douse an ant hill will gasoline and set it on fire and the next day, a new ant hill, with identical ants.
I too suffered a loss. I had paper work for twenty grey market Bentley's on the dock, all completely destroyed. Not a scrap of proof left from the inferno. Fortunately, all were insured for twice what I claimed I might of paid. I wish I had had more titles to submit.

I owe you a night out. Next time I am Bangkok, it is on me. Remember last time? Whoot-Whoot!

[Free Market Fred]

Originally Posted by James Hutchins

I owe you a night out. Next time I am Bangkok, it is on me. Remember last time? Whoot-Whoot!

Thanks Brother James. I sure do remember that last trip to Bangkok. It was really a hoot when that entire Christian child-anti-trafficking group got up on stage and urinated on the 15-year-old dance girls.



I had to be careful not to leak any of the photos that showed their faces though. We keep those under lock and key - they could prove useful if any of these guys get elected to political office. Those photos we got of three Supreme Court justices "witnessing" with the 12-year-old chicks in Cambodia was the main reason that Citizen's United case went our way. I tell you, these tiny smart phone cameras can be a Godsend, at least as long as you keep them out of the hands of liberals - maybe we need a law requiring a permit to carry one.