[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Any motorist in rural Iowa has no doubt seen the scourge of our county roads: The Amish Buggy.

Ever since I became sheriff I have made it a point to stop these fruitcakes wherever convenient, and today was just such an occasion.

The road was pretty quiet this morning, except for the characteristic, stupid black buggy in front of me.

Being an Officer of the Law, I knew that the buggy was just a little too far over into my lane to justify its presence on the road.

In my opinion it's already too much that we let these jokers onto the shoulder of the road, but now that's not good enough for them and they want their left wheel half way into my lane.

Well I would have none of this so I quickly sped around the buggy, slammed on my brakes, and came skidding to a halt in front of the buggy.

I flipped my lights on and jumped out of my cruiser, ready for anything.

"Hey bud, you ever see those signs along the road that are captioned, 'Share the Road,' and have a picture of an Amish buggy on them?" I inquired.

"Yes, sir" said the bearded bozo with the reins.

"Well I didn't see where it said you could take up half my lane with your big stupid cart!" I said.

I was in a really good mood this morning so I decided to give the Amish man a chance.

"Okay buster, I'll let you go if you can provide me a single citation of scripture that says you must never cut your beard."

He cited Psalm 133:1-2, and I immediately whipped out my pocket Bible and read the relevant verses.

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!

It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron's beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments;

I stared at him blankly for about a minute before I told him he needs to go back to Bible 101 class.

"Out of the cart!" I demanded.

The Amish guy got out of his seat and I started rummaging through the cargo he was hauling.

You never know what these guys might be growing and transporting out in the wild.

He might even have a bomb!

While I was digging through boxes of quilts I asked, "Just for fun, can you give me a Bible verse that commands you to wear big stupid black hats?"

Of course there isn't a verse that says you have to wear hats, and this is just another one of their stupid made-up rules.

"How about a verse that prohibits using musical instruments to praise God?"

This was his third and final strike.

"Have you read the Bible, you furry, cart-driving, hat-wearing Amish blasphemer?"

We had a long chat about stupid made-up rules and what the Bible says about adding and subtracting from the Holy Word of God.

In the end I let him go with a $260 dollar fine and a list of scripture I expect him to read.

This county would fall apart without me here.

[James Hutchins]

Wow, you were feeling generous, I am surprised you did not have the thing towed.


You may recall a few months back when I clipped on of those menaces in my Kenworth. I was in the midst of texting Rev. Osborne about 'the game' at his pool house later that night and this wack job in the buggy came out of no where and jumped right in front of my truck. Can you believe it, no insurance? I had a four inch scratch on the left side of the undercarriage of my truck. I'll always know it is there.

[Bobby-Joe]

The Amish are pure trouble makers. You know never know what they are hiding in those carts; guns, knives or dead bodies. All do I know is I am not taking my eyes of those Mennonite savages for one second.

[Abner Leopold]

Yes, those Amish, are pure evil. I equate them with race traitors and thieves. They live with no electricity, they ride around in those buggys with no ABS, or air bags, I mean who insures them? They do so many radical things in their lifestyle due to their so called religeon, yet when it comes time to work, they ride in vans, use electricity & power tools. They even use our currency, which is labled IN GOD WE TRUST. We all know as true Christian's that they don't trust in our God, so why do they succumb to his fruitful comforts, & pass his currency. I wouldn't want to be Yoder come judgement day. Also Brother James Hutchins, I'm so sorry to read of the scratched under carriage on your big truck, I know how those things can tug at your emotions. I hope those non believers pay for repairs. I live in a rural area & they are around, here too. I have found that fire crackers are a really effective way to spook their horses and get them out of my way!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

As has been written about extensively, the amnish are pure evil.