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Default I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 12:22 AM
Brothers and Sisters I have to make a confession! I have slipped in the eyes of our Lord! God have mercy on me!!! I was shopping for groceries to give my family sustenance in these trying times and I… well… I was not paying attention!!!! Praise Jesus!!! I walked too hastily past the pickle section and I just grabbed a jar not thinking or paying attention and…well… I accidently picked up a jar of unholy joo style kosher dills pickles! Lord have mercy on my soul!!!! I did not notice until I arrived at my home and I am in a bad state now. Oh my Lord!!! Show me the way!!!
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Default Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 12:29 AM
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Originally Posted by buckhenry View Post
Brothers and Sisters I have to make a confession! I have slipped in the eyes of our Lord! God have mercy on me!!! I was shopping for groceries to give my family sustenance in these trying times and I… well… I was not paying attention!!!! Praise Jesus!!! I walked too hastily past the pickle section and I just grabbed a jar not thinking or paying attention and…well… I accidently picked up a jar of unholy joo style kosher dills pickles! Lord have mercy on my soul!!!! I did not notice until I arrived at my home and I am in a bad state now. Oh my Lord!!! Show me the way!!!
I hope that you see this post in time. DO NOT EAT THE PICKLES! Throw out the jar. As long as you do not partake in the practice of eating kusher, the lord will forgive you, providing you have given sufficient prayer.

Psalm 53:1
The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. Corrupt are they, and have done abominable iniquity: there is none that doeth good.
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Default Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 12:34 AM
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Originally Posted by buckhenry View Post
… I accidently picked up a jar of unholy joo style kosher dills pickles!...
Scripture that says eating kosher offends God somehow, please.

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Originally Posted by Gregory Mitch View Post
...As long as you do not partake in the practice of eating kusher, the lord will forgive you...
Great, another non-True Christian™ with a direct line to God.

All the pastors here can just close up shop, then, as they are unnecessary.

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Grammar Nazi Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 12:51 AM
I think as long as you did not break the seal on the lid and merely held the joo jar, you may not be completely hated by Jesus.
A person cannot be expected to keep an eye on both their hands at once lest they get googly eyed.
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Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 01:23 AM
Praise Jesus!! Thank you my brethren. I have since tossed the foul joo jar!!! Without opening it thank Jesus! BTW, is there some way we can eternally glue the lips of didymus much shut and cast him into the cesspool of damnation where he belongs! Praise Jesus! or PB2J!!!
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Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 01:49 AM
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Originally Posted by buckhenry View Post
...I have since tossed the foul joo jar!!!...
Hmmm, no luck finding the Scripture I asked for that says eating kosher food offends God? Might that be BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST? But... this does:

Matthew 15:17 "Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught?"

Quote:
...BTW, is there some way we can eternally glue the lips of didymus much shut...
Bible says no.

Acts 10:28 "And he said unto them, Ye know how that it is an unlawful thing for a man that is a Jew to keep company, or come unto one of another nation; but God hath shewed me that I should not call any man common or unclean."



Quote:
...and cast him into the cesspool of damnation where he belongs!
Please stop trying to damn me to Hell. That's God's job, not yours.

Anyways, why are you so dismissive of someone who's only trying to help you learn the word of God (as revealed in the King James Bible)?

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Default Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 01:58 AM
Why on earth would you be shopping for groceries? Are you a homer?

Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 05:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Why on earth would you be shopping for groceries? Are you a homer?

Lord have mercy! It's enough I gotta deal with vile heathens and demons on this board, but now it seems I'm under scrutiny of bein a foul rump humper by my own leader!! And all because of a Joo pickle!!! Praise Jesus!
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Default Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 05:47 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
Hmmm, no luck finding the Scripture I asked for that says eating kosher food offends God? Might that be BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST? But... this does:

Matthew 15:17 "Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught?"



Bible says no.

Acts 10:28 "And he said unto them, Ye know how that it is an unlawful thing for a man that is a Jew to keep company, or come unto one of another nation; but God hath shewed me that I should not call any man common or unclean."





Please stop trying to damn me to Hell. That's God's job, not yours.

Anyways, why are you so dismissive of someone who's only trying to help you learn the word of God (as revealed in the King James Bible)?


Be gone you vile demon!!!!
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Default Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 06:03 AM
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Be gone you vile demon!!!!
I'm going to save my 10,000th post just for you.

If you last that long, that is.

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Default Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 07:07 AM
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Lord have mercy! It's enough I gotta deal with vile heathens and demons on this board, but now it seems I'm under scrutiny of bein a foul rump humper by my own leader!! And all because of a Joo pickle!!! Praise Jesus!
Young man, you seem awfully bothered by something that could have been easily rectified by simply putting the jar down.

If you cannot see the simplicity in living as unto Christ I really do worry for you.

1 Corinthians 11:1-2 Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ. Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you.

I once accidently saw my young, clean limbed young youth of a Nephew's buttocks in a swimming baths changing rooms (I was simply asking him whether it was a leap year) but I got a really long look at his unconsciously gracefully lithe form

This does not make me a homer anymore, than touching a jar makes you a jooboy. It's not like a took a photo of his buttocks because I didn't even have my phone so couldn't have and wouldn't of done even if I did, which I didn't.

A little common sense goes a long way.

YIC

1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Default Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by buckhenry View Post
Brothers and Sisters I have to make a confession! I have slipped in the eyes of our Lord! God have mercy on me!!! I was shopping for groceries to give my family sustenance in these trying times and I… well… I was not paying attention!!!! Praise Jesus!!! I walked too hastily past the pickle section and I just grabbed a jar not thinking or paying attention and…well… I accidently picked up a jar of unholy joo style kosher dills pickles! Lord have mercy on my soul!!!! I did not notice until I arrived at my home and I am in a bad state now. Oh my Lord!!! Show me the way!!!
Now, on the face of it, this would appear to be an error: you have supported the Christ-Killers and supported the Kyke-Lifestyle.

However, I am reminded of Jesus when he cursed a fig tree for not having figs when it was not the fig season - Your error and Jesus's Mystery have something in common:

"We can learn a lesson if only we manage to understand the message."

Please tell us how you got on with the pickles, e.g. did you choke on them? Did you sit on the john giving impressions of Cape Kennedy on launch days? Did your breath turn to that of a camel? Etc...

If so, the message might be interpreted.




“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: I have to make a confession! Please help! - 04-22-2015, 08:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
Now, on the face of it, this would appear to be an error: you have supported the Christ-Killers and supported the Kyke-Lifestyle.

However, I am reminded of Jesus when he cursed a fig tree for not having figs when it was not the fig season - Your error and Jesus's Mystery have something in common:

"We can learn a lesson if only we manage to understand the message."

Please tell us how you got on with the pickles, e.g. did you choke on them? Did you sit on the john giving impressions of Cape Kennedy on launch days? Did your breath turn to that of a camel? Etc...

If so, the message might be interpreted.

Your words fall upon me like blessed sermon Brother Bathfire. Praise Jesus!!!
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