[Paragon of virtue]

As springtime approaches many Godly Christians are trying their best to lose weight, and we do so with good reason:

I Corinthians 6:19-20

But, as often is the case, there is a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things:

Proverbs 16:25

It is with a heavy--and possibly clogged--heart that I come to you with a tale of woe and a warning: STAY FAR AWAY FROM THE INSANITY WORKOUTS!

The title alone should have been warning enough, but I had heard so many good things about these workouts that I couldn't resist. Well, from what I saw, Satan has a muscle bound army of men and women whom he can now use as soldiers in his war against us. If you are foolish enough to let him have his way with you, you too can have great results...at least until you die and on that day you will be sorry.

The first thing that happens when you pop in the DVD is that you are confronted with a huge, gay negro buck who jumps around like a gorilla on steroids. He's very uppity and he puts you through a series of devilish moves such as 'Suicides' and 'Mummy Kicks'. There is some jungle music playing in the background and he advises you to drink some green stuff that he calls 'Results and Recovery Formula'--which I'm hoping is just a bunch of voodooo roots and consentrated betel nut, but I'm afraid it might be human sacrifice--This buck who calls himself Shaun T. is often flanked by a young, slant-eyed lesbian named Tania who is clearly under the spell of this witch doctor. She jumps around in these tiny shorts doing whatever the nigra tells her too while moving ever more suggestively during the routines...and then the YOGA starts!! At this point I had to turn off the video and run to my prayer closet. But, I couldn't run too fast because I'm so fat.

Fortunately, when the devil closes a door, God opens a window and I'm proud to say that I started this exercise program today with a clean conscience and renewed hope:

http://www.foundfootagefest.com/2013/03/blessercize/

[Pastor Ed Lowman]

This post might well have been preceded with a graphic porn warning.

How awful!

[Cranky Old Man]

Workouts, like all fitness, is for gays and girls. Christian men would never submit to these gaysexual activities!

These people will all burn in Hell:

[lukasekman]

The hands down best way to get fit is to spank your kids. The LORD rewards you for enacting Proverbs 13:24

Sincerely in Christ, Lukas

[Pastor Ed Lowman]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

Workouts, like all fitness, is for gays and girls. Christian men would never submit to these gaysexual activities!

Amen, brother. We men put our overalls on and head out to work on the ranch. That's enough exercise for any God-fearing Christian male.