[GaleWhoring the Boring (On Moderation)]

Hello darlings ,

Though evident in the past while since I joined, we have our obvious differences, if there is one thing that's universal, we all cannot resist home baking, especially homemade, Gale-certified strawberry tart!

Let me share my secret

Gale Wendy-Force Hoaring's Delicious Homemade Irish Strawberry Tart

1 and a quarter cup of AP flour - the first and foremost base to deflower this tart!
4 tbs. of sweet, sweet sugar
1/2 tsp of straight up saltiness
6 sticks of warm, but firm butter
2 tb. of lard, usually Baptist ladies have some to spare
a dash of cinnamon and all-spic
2 pints of strawberries hulled and heaved
1/3 petroleum jelly to give it a little kick

For the sweet cream

5 large egg yolks, unfertilized
2/4 cups of more sugar, baby!
1 1/2 cup of hot milk
A bit of starch and slash of Cognac, rum, and vodka in that order
Squirt in a tablespoon of Irish cream and freshly churned butter


1. Get the oven nice and hot, 375 F should do. Get your free 4 inch springform tart pan and combine the flour, salt and sugar....and mix and mix and get it all nice and mingled.

2. Check for a pulse because we are going to pulsate that butter and shortening. And churn, and churn and add lots of water....lots of iced water. You want to hear about dark things at nice, you don't do it over a Bloody Caesar at brunch. Good? Now set it aside to chill out after all that pulsing.

3. Now roll out the dough and don't over stretch it! It should be nice and stiff after being in the fridge. Bake for 20 minutes until its browner than the Mexican pool boy.

4. Now, for the creamy finish. Get the sugar to sweeten up those eggs and beat it! Get it nice and thick and starch it up. Mix it nice and low and pour in your hot milk. It might look curdled but this is okay! It's normal. Just beat it with vigor, shake it all up. It will make a nice pudding. To loosen it up, slosh in all that booze. Get the pool boy to squeeze the custard out and pour into your tart crust.

5. Glaze it with your spicy jelly, and serve at your next bake sale!

Good eh? Try it now. It's bloody good tart!

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

It sounds strange... but what man can resist some strange when it's served up on a silver platter. I'll taste your nasty pie, just don't tell anyone

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by GaleWhoring

Hello darlings ,

Though evident in the past while since I joined, we have our obvious differences, if there is one thing that's universal, we all cannot resist home baking, especially homemade, Gale-certified strawberry tart!

Let me share my secret

Gale Wendy-Force Hoaring's Delicious Homemade Irish Strawberry Tart

1 and a quarter cup of AP flour - the first and foremost base to deflower this tart!
4 tbs. of sweet, sweet sugar
1/2 tsp of straight up saltiness
6 sticks of warm, but firm butter
2 tb. of lard, usually Baptist ladies have some to spare
a dash of cinnamon and all-spic
2 pints of strawberries hulled and heaved
1/3 petroleum jelly to give it a little kick

For the sweet cream

5 large egg yolks, unfertilized
2/4 cups of more sugar, baby!
1 1/2 cup of hot milk
A bit of starch and slash of Cognac, rum, and vodka in that order
Squirt in a tablespoon of Irish cream and freshly churned butter


1. Get the oven nice and hot, 375 F should do. Get your free 4 inch springform tart pan and combine the flour, salt and sugar....and mix and mix and get it all nice and mingled.

2. Check for a pulse because we are going to pulsate that butter and shortening. And churn, and churn and add lots of water....lots of iced water. You want to hear about dark things at nice, you don't do it over a Bloody Caesar at brunch. Good? Now set it aside to chill out after all that pulsing.

3. Now roll out the dough and don't over stretch it! It should be nice and stiff after being in the fridge. Bake for 20 minutes until its browner than the Mexican pool boy.

4. Now, for the creamy finish. Get the sugar to sweeten up those eggs and beat it! Get it nice and thick and starch it up. Mix it nice and low and pour in your hot milk. It might look curdled but this is okay! It's normal. Just beat it with vigor, shake it all up. It will make a nice pudding. To loosen it up, slosh in all that booze. Get the pool boy to squeeze the custard out and pour into your tart crust.

5. Glaze it with your spicy jelly, and serve at your next bake sale!

Good eh? Try it now. It's bloody good tart!

I'm confused. The list of ingredients has things not listed on the directions. So what do we do with lard, cinnamon, and strawberries?

[GaleWhoring the Boring (On Moderation)]

Oh my apologies, I wrote this off in a rush. I thought they'd be self-evident, but since not:

Lard - chill till nice and firm and beat in slowly with your floury millieu. That's what gives it the pastry texture.

cinnamon, I like to dash in at the same time you splash in the rum.

all-spice I like to crush myself with a mortar and pestle, and mix in with the petroleum to make spice-jelly. If you really want to go big, add some gelignite which works like agar.

The strawberries can be crushed with your feet which is the old Irish method. Take off your shoes first because you won't want the abscess of the outdoors in your tart.


Best

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by GaleWhoring

The strawberries can be crushed with your feet which is the old Irish method.

Eww! I will never have any food of your making!

That sounds more disgusting that Peruvian corn beer brewed using corn pre-chewed by old ladies!

[GaleWhoring the Boring (On Moderation)]

Oh oh hush, you could handle it. The mixture of foot fungus enhances the fermentation process resulting in a poignant marriage with the alcohol when added. The final results are intoxicating. 😵 You must admit, the best tasting things have the most unusual preparation methods.

[MitzaLizalor]

Does she mean it's made with fermented strawberries?