My Ministry to The Japs

[Pastor Ezekiel]

As you all know, I spend quite a bit of time over in Godless Japan. I thought it might be useful (okay, and the Board of Elders insisted) that I start posting some of my findings from slantland, the better to keep you all safe (and my budget intact).

This is the kind of thing I have to put up with over there.

They call these "manjoo" which is japspeak for "man juice" I'm pretty sure. They're sold on every street corner.

Here's a sale at a department store. Can you imagine?

You can't avoid seeing the local monkeys sporting shirts with obscenities on them. Japan isn't safe for decent people.

Here's the local meat market. You don't wanna know.

Here's a local festival. They actually worship big American tallywhackers like this one.


That's all for now. Ask if you've got questions.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

THIS group of jungle chinks are being persecuted for being Christians, and I'm the one that brought them to Christ!

Well, mostly. They don't really understand Christ's Blessings, and they are suspicious that they won't be let into Heaven on account of them being little yellow devils. Plus they want to bow down to statues of Jesus, because they're used to doing that to their ex-god, the obese chinaman "Boodha." And now the government wants to force them to spit in Christ's face and start worshiping the fat chink god again.

See what I have to go through? You can't win for losing. It took me 2 years to get those slants to convert! And now look at them: they won't even take a beating for Christ!

Myanmar Christians forced to convert

Bangkok - Christian students from Myanmar's Chin ethnic minority have been forced to convert to Buddhism, shave their heads and wear monastic robes, a rights group said on Wednesday.

The Chin, a mainly Christian group in the poor and remote west of the predominantly Buddhist country, face harassment for the link between their faith and British colonial rule, according to the Chin Human Rights Organisation (CHRO).

"President Thein Sein's government claims that religious freedom is protected by law but in reality Buddhism is treated as the de facto state religion", said Salai Ling, Programme Director of the CHRO.

Rachel Fleming, another member of the group, said Christianity does not fit with an ultra-nationalistic view put forward by successive military regimes that "to be Burmese, you should be Buddhist".

Chin students are also frequently targeted for enrollment in schools run by Myanmar's military which convert them to Buddhism, she said, adding that Christian students are beaten for failing to recite Buddhist scriptures.

Poverty among the Chin, whose main source of income is farming, leaves the group vulnerable to recruitment to these schools as the military offers free food, education and government jobs once they graduate.

Chin state, which borders India, is home to around 500 000 people. Tens of thousands have fled to neighbouring India to escape army abuses under the former junta, according to rights groups.

In its annual report this year Amnesty International said Chin Christians still face persecution, citing the case of a preacher barred from speaking at a church and ordered to leave the area.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

The way that slant-eyed trollop is chugging down that dessert dong really gets my dander up.



Also, as an American and an entrepreneur, I am outraged that the Japs didn't have the economic ingenuity to sell the testicles separately, and the testicles themselves individually. Their profits would have been tripled. Now, I am the humblest person on God's great, green earth--I literally taught lessons in humility at Oral Roberts University back in the '70s--but those tallywackers are laughable. I lost three quarters of my sizable Johnson back in the war, and I still have them beat by a long shot.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

Here's the local meat market. You don't wanna know.

I can't believe it! They sell their aborted babies at the meat market?!

And he's obviously the father. How cold can a man be?!

[Deaner]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

The way that slant-eyed trollop is chugging down that dessert dong really gets my dander up.

Yeah, it's almost like you want to slap her in the back of the head and see how much she can really take.

[James Hutchins]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

Are those things nip Twinkies(r)?

[Deaner]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

Are those things nip Twinkies®?

Close. The correct term is nip dinkies.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

They have the damndest things to drink over here in slope land. This stuff isn't bad. Tastes like pickles a little.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

They definitely eat weird things, these little Asians.

But they are a studious bunch. I have to give them that.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

THIS is the latest craze to sweep the slants: "The Masturbation Diet."
It was started by a chink who wanted to find a way to lose weight and offend Jesus at the same time.

The "Masturbation Diet"

The Subway diet. The cabbage soup diet. The junk food diet. From Atkins to the Zone, there is an array of diets to help people slim down. Have you heard of the masturbation diet? You know, the one in which you drop pounds by playing with yourself furiously.

According to the jap magazine Nikkan Spa, a 28 year-old with the alias "Yuichi Ito" was able to lose nearly 9 pounds in two months, simply through watching his diet and flogging his log between three and five times a day. (Supposedly, Ito's record was seven times in a single day.)

While in high school, Ito played baseball, but gained weight after he graduated. The 5 foot 5 inch Ito ballooned to 167 pounds, which would be considered overweight by Japanese standards. Ito decided that a good way to drop the excess pounds was to cut calories and have more sex. With himself.

"I read online that pleasuring oneself was the same as running 200 meters," said Ito. "Without a girlfriend, the only way I could become thin was through masturbation!"

(Well, he could've taken up walking, jogging, swimming, or Praying to Jesus. But Ito chose to play with his magic wand, so whatever!)

Interestingly, Nikkan Spa had a doctor chime in as to whether or not the masturbation diet was healthy.

"The issue with the effectiveness of this diet is that while you are exhausting your body, you are not consuming calories by using physical strength," said Satoshi Yoshijima, a dermatologist and doctor of internal medicine in Tokyo. Dr. Yoshijima also added that excess self-stimulation can adversely impact hormone levels.

Besides, who wants to risk going blind, hairy palms or eternal damnation, just to drop nine pounds? Not worth it!

オナニーダイエットで4kg減！に医者も苦笑 [Nikkan Spa]

[Sammy The Penitent]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

THIS is the latest craze to sweep the slants: "The Masturbation Diet."
It was started by a chink who wanted to find a way to lose weight and offend Jesus at the same time.

I think that's how they also get those squinty eyes.

[Barry]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

I hope you were fully immunized before rubbing shoulders with them Gooks. I'd stay well away from them if I were you. I don't know if it was Nagasaki or Fukoshima but seem to have radiation problems that can pixilate the area around your genitals.

[Russell Holbeck]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

Hello Pastor Ezekiel.

I do not know how you can work around those people they smell bad. After I killed my wife it was an accident I had a chinaman helping me and all he would eat was rotten cabbage he called it kimchee I am not making that name up.

The chinaman would have very bad flatulence because he ate rotten cabbage and I told him I would fire him if he did not stop. He told me ha ha ha ha even Jesus farted and I called him a blasphemer but he said he would look it up and the next day he said it was in Luke 12:55 it says:

And when ye see the south wind blow, ye say, There will be heat; and it cometh to pass.

He said ha ha ha ha ha the south wind makes heat and then he pointed at his bottom and then I fired him and now a colored girl works for me she smells like coconuts which is nice.

Thank you.

Rusty

[Sammy The Penitent]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

now a colored girl works for me she smells like coconuts which is nice.

Huh....My colored girl smells like coconuts too....I wonder if they all do.

YIC

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: My Ministry to The Japs

I'll tell you what, I am in constant danger over there in slant-land. Look what I have to deal with!

Japanese cooked his genitals and served them to diners

A Japanese man has been charged with indecent exposure after cooking his genitals and serving them to diners in a restaurant. The man had, had his penis and testicles surgically removed by a physician in March and had them frozen. After being certified free of infections, he served them up, and garnished them with mushrooms and parsley, to his paying guests.

The man Mao Sugiyama, 23, charged his five diners around £160 to eat his genitals at a restaurant in Suginami, a residential area in western Tokyo. Officers from Tokyo’s Metropolitan Police Department (MPD) have filed criminal papers against the man and some of the people who had helped organise the genital eating event and sent them to the Tokyo district public prosecutors’ office. If Mao Sugiyama is found guilty of charges, he will face either two years in jail or a 2.5 million yen ($32,000).

Mao Sugiyama who goes by the nickname HC describes himself as an ‘asexual’ illustrator. As well as having his genitalia removed he has also had his nipples removed. Originally he had considered eating his own penis and balls however decided to serve them to paying customers instead whilst being supervised by a chef.

The event was announced on social networking site Twitter, where he offered to cook his penis for £800. Afterwards however he decided to split his member and serve it to six guests.

His Twitter posts stated:

‘I am offering my male genitals (full penis, testes, scrotum) as a meal for 100,000 yen (£800). I’m Japanese.’

‘The organs were surgically removed at age 22. I was tested to be free of venereal diseases. The organs were of normal function. I was not receiving female hormone treatment.’

‘First interested buyer will get them, or I will also consider selling to a group. Will prepare and cook as the buyer requests, at his chosen location. If you have questions, please contact me by DM or e-mail.’

The event was attended by at least seventy people at the restaurant, five of them at Mao’s genitalia whilst the rest tucked into beef and crocodile. Those who ate the penis, testes and scrotum meal had to sign a waiver to state that Mao Sugiyama would not be held responsible if they became ill as a result.

Now I ask you, who's going to believe a lying chink? Who's going to believe that a family of 6 can be fed on a tiny gook tallywhacker?