[Ezekiel Bathfire]

It seems to me that a few new hymns would be a good idea so the Bathfire Prize for Excellence in Tuneful Praise has been announced. The winner will receive $50,000 and have his (or her – though this is unlikely) hymn published and then sung by the Choir of Landover Baptist Church on a suitable occasion (e.g. the defeat of Obama, the reintroduction of segregation, the outlawing of all homosexuality, completely unrestricted gun sales, etc.)

Hymns should be in traditional form, I attach an example written by my nephew Zebulun, which probably needs a few amendments but will give you the idea:

Jesus, Immanuel,
Who is our rock,
Came to this world
And He showed us His

Glory so wondrous
No man can surpass,
With entry to heaven.
By the hole in his

Tomb in the garden,
With a stone at the front,
Mary, His mother, stood
Rubbing her

Forehead with grief
and with sorrow. In fits,
She sobbed for her Son
And she fondled her

Beads that she held
In her hand, for a bit
She adjusted her dress
And she started to

See His wonders were holy;
They were not a trick,
And young ladies fainted
At the size of His

Following and Wisdom,
Whilst he pulled his stunts,
Rubbing fine oil
Into numerous

Sores that afflicted
The old and the poor,
Whilst Mary, His friend,
Walked the streets as a

Saint, in Judea
With faith and with pluck
She taught all the Jews a
New way to

Worship their maker.
While Paul gave a gloss
on the meaning of Jesus
and the best way to interpret His Words.

I wish you all the best of luck and hope the Spirit enters your soul.

[Talitha]

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Only you.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
We Love you.

Chorus:
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Saves.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Saves.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Saves.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Saves.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Saves.

2nd Verse:
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
In so many ways.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus hates the Gays.


I await my prize

[Johny Joe Hold]

Originally Posted by Talitha

Jesus hates the Gays.


I await my prize

Sister Talitha, I have to say you have a wealth of talent.

[Talitha]

Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold

Sister Talitha, I have to say you have a wealth of talent.

That's exactly what Pastor said to me just last Sunday.

I felt myself ON FIRE FOR JESUS today.

GLORY!!!!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Of course, you haven't heard Sister Daisy Mae's entry yet.

[Mary Thompson]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Of course, you haven't heard Sister Daisy Mae's entry yet.

Can't wait to hear it! I love hearing praise of Jesus!

[Pim Pendergast]

Ephesians 5:9 and Colossians 3:16 encourage us to sing Psalms, so I’ve based my hymn on Psalm 109. It reflects King David’s anger at his adversaries and foreshadows Jesus’ rejection by the world (Jn 15:25).


Restrain Your Wrath no More

Restrain Your wrath no more, O Lord,
For men have called me nasty names.
My good with evil they reward;
I’ve had it with their silly games.
To You I raise my voice in prayer:
Let Satan give these men a scare.
Regard their prayers to You as sin
That I may wear a cheerful grin
When they for mercy start to beg.

Cut short their wicked, worthless lives;
Their children hopeless hobos make;
Let no man wed their widowed wives
That they their food from bins must take.
I pray they’re cheated, conned and robbed,
Ingored however much they’ve sobbed.
Let not the children live too long;
Be mindful of their fathers’ wrong;
Make things as though they never lived.

My foes cursed me, so curse them back;
They picked on me when I was down.
It’s time for You to mount attack;
Clothe them with shame as with a gown.
Confuse them, Lord, till they ask, "Why?"
Frustrate them till the day they die.
Though cursed they are, may they bless You –
Although no good it will them do.
Let me rejoice to see their shame.

Do all of this for Your name’s sake
Because Your mercy never fails
Except to those I pray you’ll break,
Their pleas to You of no avail.
Let all men know that You’ve done this.
I know I haven’t asked amiss;
I’ll thank You when You’ve answered me –
Real soon, I hope – my praise Your fee.
I know I’ll feel much better then. Amen.

[Faith_Machine]

I am really loving these hymns.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

JESUS is My Man
by: Daisy Mae Johnson

JESUS is my Man. With Him, oh yes I can.
I can climb mountains high and low.
Preach to sinners while hurling stones to and fro.

JESUS is my Guy, for Him I bake great pies.
When JESUS tastes my pies, Hell think He
Died and was sent back to Heaven.

JESUS is my Man. With Him, oh yes I can.
Be raptured away on that very special day.
While dressed and ready for Him in my soiree.

JESUS is My Dude, with Him I can be so rude.
While yelling at sinners through my righteous bullhorn of truth. I can yell at them all,
all sinners alike, the Messicans, the jigaloos and even the kikes.

JESUS is my Guy. With Him I can live in the sky.
While lounging on a cloud. For all eternity on the day I die.




I LOVE YOU JESUS! GOD Bless you JESUS

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

If You Don't Believe
By: Daisy Mae Johnson


If you don't believe JESUS was hung on a cross.
Have fun burning in HELL, it's your loss.

If you don't believe JESUS is up in the sky.
Then down below in HELL is where you will fry.

If you don't believe in Eternal Life.
In HELL you will be, all full of strife

If you don't believe GOD Hates the Gays.
On the end of Satan's Tallywhacker you will be if you don't change your ways.

If you don't believe JESUS is GOD's only Begotten Son.
In HELL you will be. With Demons ripping out your tongue.

If you don't believe in GOD'S Holy Word.
You will be eaten up by Satan and pooped out as his turd.


BLESSINGS!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson

If You Don't Believe
By: Daisy Mae Johnson


If you don't believe JESUS was hung on a cross.
Have fun burning in HELL, it's your loss.

If you don't believe JESUS is up in the sky.
Then down below in HELL is where you will fry.

If you don't believe in Eternal Life.
In HELL you will be, all full of strife

If you don't believe GOD Hates the Gays.
On the end of Satan's Tallywhacker you will be if you don't change your ways.

If you don't believe JESUS is GOD's only Begotten Son.
In HELL you will be. With Demons ripping out your toe nails one by one.

If you don't believe in GOD'S Holy Word.
You will be eaten up by Satan and pooped out as his turd.


BLESSINGS!

Shout Glory! That's the best song ever! I have no doubt whatsoever that you're going to take the top prize, Sister.

[Talitha]

Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson

JESUS is My Man
by: Daisy Mae Johnson

JESUS is my Man. With Him, oh yes I can.
I can climb mountains high and low.
Preach to sinners while hurling stones to and fro.

JESUS is my Guy, for Him I bake great pies.
When JESUS tastes my pies, Hell think He
Died and was sent back to Heaven.

JESUS is my Man. With Him, oh yes I can.
Be raptured away on that very special day.
While dressed and ready for Him in my soiree.

JESUS is My Dude, with Him I can be so rude.
While yelling at sinners through my righteous bullhorn of truth. I can yell at them all,
all sinners alike, the Messicans, the jigaloos and even the kikes.

JESUS is my Guy. With Him I can live in the sky.
While lounging on a cloud. For all eternity on the day I die.




I LOVE YOU JESUS! GOD Bless you JESUS

Not enough Jesus

[Mary Thompson]

Originally Posted by Talitha

Not enough Jesus

Of course, there is never enough Jesus

[Witch Hammer]

Here's a special hymen just for my friend, confidant and personal savior, Jesus Christ:

O Jesus Christ almighty
You are our only hope
Defending us around the clock
From the nigra, joo & slope

O Father up in Heaven
Your blood was shed for me
I bask in your crimson shower, Lord
Head bowed with bended knee

O everloving Master
Who guides us from above
Cares so much, created hell
Should we reject His Love™

Jesus is our keeper
And we are in His charge
Open up and dilate now
Because His Love™ is LARGE!

Jesus Christ will come back soon
With flag of war unfurled
To blast the fags to ash with fire
From the surface of the world



That is my humble offering, Lord.

[Felicity]

My submission:

I love Jesus and Jesus loves me!
(repeat 31,102 times for every verse in the King James Bible)

Also I will let you enjoy my warm American apple pie if I win.

[Redeemed Papist]

To the tune of "She'll Be coming Round The Mountain"

If you don't believe in Jesus you will burn
If you don't believe in Jesus you will burn
If you don't believe in Jesus
Don't believe in Jesus
Don't believe in Jesus, you will burn

In the fire, fire hippie you will fry
In the fire, fire hippie you will fry
In the fire, fire hippie
Fire, fire hippie
Fire, fire hippie, you will fry

He'll be smiting all the sinners when He comes ([shout out]AGAIN)
He'll be smiting all the sinners when He comes ([shout out]AGAIN)
He'll be smiting all the sinners
Smiting all the sinners
Smiting all the sinners when He comes ([shout out]AGAIN)

In the fire, fire hippie you will fry
In the fire, fire hippie you will fry
In the fire, fire hippie
Fire, fire hippie
Fire, fire hippie, you will fry

[Elijah Mee, PhD]

It's raining, it's pouring,
The faggot is snoring,
He went to bed, gave another man head,
AND BURNT IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY

[John Lovell]

Oh Jesus is coming ,
hes coming ,
hes coming ,
and when he does come i know just what he'll say

send me all the Americans ,
my love the rest haven't earned
only the Americans,
we'll watch the rest of them burn.

oh they'll scream and they will shout
from all the burning pain
as they all fall into hell
and get wrapped all up in chains

and as we sit in heaven
while the rest of the world dies
well be too busy with Jesus
to hear all their cries

I hope you like it

John Lovell

[canyoukeepup]

I know this is very late, but I wanted to enter my own hymn.
PRAISE JESUS!!

God is my Father
God is my Father
He is my future and destiny
God is my Father
God is my Father
In Him I find my identity
In Him I find my identity

God is my Father
God is my Father
He is my future and destiny
God is my Father
God is my Father
In Him I find my identity
In Him I find my identity

(Want Him to) Lay His hands on me
Tell me who I am
I can do all things
If He says I can
Show me I am free
Free to rebuke the enemy

[Walter Van Slyke]

I did not see that the prize had been awarded, so...here's mine. It's a little hymn I wrote about Satan worshipers. I like to sing it to my kids before they go to bed.

************

There is evil in the magic.
Wizards cry. Don't know why.
But I feel there's something tragic
In the lure of wand and spell.

Pointed star and fell beasts bleeding.
Eye of newt. Black tie suit.
That can send a good man speeding
Straight into the gates of hell.

Sons of Satan shouting
On the sidewalk near me.
Helpless I joined with them
Hoping God won't hear me.

I read the books they gave me
And wrote to their addresses.
Observe the backward progress.
Mind and soul regresses.

I reach the black orgasm.
Hell is now my fate.
Jesus, can you hear me?
God, is it too late?

AAAAAARRRRRRGH