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Reload this Page I need a firm, loving Christian husband.
MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES! Who knows? The love of your life might be here! All the single men are GODLY and all the single ladies are virgins...........for the most part.

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Default I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-27-2007, 12:50 AM

Well, Landover single men, today is your lucky day. After my stint of evangelizing to the mooselims I've decided to finally hunker down and get hitched with a kind, upright Christian™ man. Here are some qualities I would prefer:

- White skin (obvious)
- Owner of at least 15 authentic Freehold Press KJV1611 Bibles (two for us, and one for each of our children)
- A good shot (guns, you perverts) OR qualified attack dog trainer
- Well-read in apologetics and Creation Science (Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron's critique on evilution, ex-homer psychology, etc.)

I am especially fond of pastors, preachers, and ministers in Christ® as I feel that ministry is my vocation and so sorely needed in this wretched suckular world. However, whomever Jesus sends my way will ultimately be acceptable. I am obedient, submissive (to fellow Christians), virginal, and have full, child-bearing hips to squeeze out your delightful Godly offspring.
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Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-27-2007, 02:04 AM

Thank goodness I don't qualify...
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Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-27-2007, 03:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyrone Shoelaces View Post
Thank goodness I don't qualify...
Are you trying to ruin things for all the single True Christian™ women around here? Stop trying to force us to abide by your twisted world view.


Sister Tinny, I too and searching for a Godly husband, and I will include you in my prayers. Perhaps we could get together for a day of baking and prayer that Jesus will soon send us the True Christian™ husbands we so sorely need?


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

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Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-27-2007, 05:05 AM

No, I'm not trying to ruin anything. She's just not my type. My apologies, Sister Tinny. I'm sure you don't really want me anyways, seeing as I don't fit any of your requirements. Shame.
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Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-27-2007, 06:52 PM

Why on earth are you posting in this thread, then? Stop trolling!
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Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Tyrone Shoelaces is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-28-2007, 12:56 AM

Is that you in your avatar?
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Angry Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-28-2007, 03:33 AM

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Originally Posted by Tyrone Shoelaces View Post
Is that you in your avatar?
I have decided to hook you up


with high voltage instead of a woman























death to trolls!






















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Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-28-2007, 04:42 AM

Wow, did you invert that yourself? Do you want Jesus to give you a cookie for your outstanding insult?
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Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-28-2007, 05:05 AM

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Originally Posted by Tyrone Shoelaces View Post
Wow, did you invert that yourself? Do you want Jesus to give you a cookie for your outstanding insult?
Why are you so angry, doesn't "mom and dad" give you enough attention or something?
Stop throwing these hissy fits, jennifer.


If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-28-2007, 05:31 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyrone Shoelaces View Post
Wow, did you invert that yourself? Do you want Jesus to give you a cookie for your outstanding insult?
What is this incessant need you have to derail the threads of Godly women looking for Godly husbands? Why do you want us to die alone (except for Jesus) and childless?
At first you entertained me, then you became an annoyance. But now I'm starting to see you as the monster you truly are, sent by Satan to destroy everything good we're trying to get in our lives. For shame! SHAME!


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

Blogging for CHRIST!
Witnessing for GOD on YouTube!
All a-Twitter for Salvation!
Bringing Jesus to MySpace!
On FIRE for the Lord on Facebook!
My Ladies of Landover profile!
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Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-28-2007, 09:05 AM

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Originally Posted by Tyrone Shoelaces View Post
Is that you in your avatar?
Yes, it is me. Is that you trolling in my thread?
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Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-28-2007, 10:52 PM

Uhh, Sister Tinny?

No offense to you, but you look like you're at least 10 years past your childbearing years.



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-28-2007, 11:09 PM

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Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Uhh, Sister Tinny?

No offense to you, but you look like you're at least 10 years past your childbearing years.
Everything is possible trough Jesus. Have you ever heard of Abraham and his wife?


The Lord is a man of war: the Lord is his name.
Exodus 15:3

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Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-28-2007, 11:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Uhh, Sister Tinny?

No offense to you, but you look like you're at least 10 years past your childbearing years.
Oh ye of little (actually zero) faith! In the Holy Bible, God gives us an example of His mighty might:

Genesis 18:11 Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.
18:12 Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?
18:13 And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?
18:14 Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.
18:15 Then Sarah denied, saying, I laughed not; for she was afraid. And he said, Nay; but thou didst laugh.
18:16 And the men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way.
18:17 And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do;


Well, perhaps I went on a bit too long. We don't need to get into that which God was considering hiding from His beloved Prophet Abraham just yet. But as you can see, God can ensure that any female can bake a Soldier for Christ at any time, at any age. Sister T is considerably younger than Sarah was in the story I related for you above, and since she is a Godly True Christian™ female, I don't see why Jesus would deny her future husband a few sons.

Once again, you were wrong, VanEmptyhead.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-28-2007, 11:42 PM

Show me a woman in recorded history, not the bible, who has given post-menstrual birth without any medical aid whatsoever. As to the guinness world records woman, I'll have to check what her circumstances were.



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!

Last edited by Rachael Van Helsing; 01-28-2007 at 11:42 PM.
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Ladies of Landover Senior VP
One of the Truest Christians™ Ever
Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
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Mother of 1 boy or 2.5 girls One Year/1000 posts Long service medal, 3rd class Saved 1 Year True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ Cleanest Kitchen True Christian Lady True Heterosexual™ Platinum Tither Ribfest '07 True Christian Homemaker Ex-Mary Worshipper Best stoning bucket Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS TC Bravery Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Friend of Jesus Most Obedient Mrs. Sarah Palin Lady of the Year 2010 Flat Earth Mission to Australia Mama Grizzly Persecuted Pro-Life The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Batman Shooting Survivor Guns, Guts and GLORY! Kirk Cameron Fan Club The Lord’s Witness Wound Early riser Proud Niglet Sponsorer Home Schooled Jailed for JESUS Paula Deen Negro Support Group Trump of GOD Donald Trump 2016! Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years

 
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Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-29-2007, 12:20 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Show me a woman in recorded history, not the bible, who has given post-menstrual birth without any medical aid whatsoever. As to the guinness world records woman, I'll have to check what her circumstances were.
The Bible IS recorded history, you dunderheaded witch!


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1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

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Rachael Van Helsing's Avatar
Rachael Van Helsing Rachael Van Helsing is offline
HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member

Hellbound Heathen Cancer on Society Uppity Woman/Enabler Witch

 
Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-29-2007, 12:23 AM

No it isn't. It's about the same as the fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm, except less interesting.



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Mrs. Mary Whitford's Avatar
Mrs. Mary Whitford Mrs. Mary Whitford is offline
Ladies of Landover Senior VP
One of the Truest Christians™ Ever
Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
True Christian™

Mother of 1 boy or 2.5 girls One Year/1000 posts Long service medal, 3rd class Saved 1 Year True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ Cleanest Kitchen True Christian Lady True Heterosexual™ Platinum Tither Ribfest '07 True Christian Homemaker Ex-Mary Worshipper Best stoning bucket Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS TC Bravery Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Friend of Jesus Most Obedient Mrs. Sarah Palin Lady of the Year 2010 Flat Earth Mission to Australia Mama Grizzly Persecuted Pro-Life The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Batman Shooting Survivor Guns, Guts and GLORY! Kirk Cameron Fan Club The Lord’s Witness Wound Early riser Proud Niglet Sponsorer Home Schooled Jailed for JESUS Paula Deen Negro Support Group Trump of GOD Donald Trump 2016! Alternative Facts Saved 10 Years

 
Posts: 12,662
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Standing behind my husband
Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mrs. Mary Whitford will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-29-2007, 12:28 AM

If I didn't know that Jesus sent you're heathen hide here to test us, I would be praying so hard for Him to smite you right now.


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

Blogging for CHRIST!
Witnessing for GOD on YouTube!
All a-Twitter for Salvation!
Bringing Jesus to MySpace!
On FIRE for the Lord on Facebook!
My Ladies of Landover profile!
Reply With Quote
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Rachael Van Helsing's Avatar
Rachael Van Helsing Rachael Van Helsing is offline
HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member

Hellbound Heathen Cancer on Society Uppity Woman/Enabler Witch

 
Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-29-2007, 12:36 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria View Post
If I didn't know that Jesus sent you're heathen hide here to test us, I would be praying so hard for Him to smite you right now.
I believe you meant the possessive your in this case, rather than you are. And hey, with a bit more revamping, the bible could make a much better book of fairytales. It has potential. However, all the talk about rape, genocide, murder, and the endless 'begats' kind of ruin that right there.

Back to Sister Tinny though, by all means let her try, but it just means that whoever marries her will be in for a lot of trying with no baby.
Although most men wouldn't mind that, I guess. *snicker*



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Pastor Al E Pistle's Avatar
Pastor Al E Pistle Pastor Al E Pistle is offline
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Default Re: I need a firm, loving Christian husband. - 01-29-2007, 12:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Tinny View Post
Well, Landover single men, today is your lucky day. After my stint of evangelizing to the mooselims I've decided to finally hunker down and get hitched with a kind, upright Christian™ man. Here are some qualities I would prefer:

- White skin (obvious)
- Owner of at least 15 authentic Freehold Press KJV1611 Bibles (two for us, and one for each of our children)
- A good shot (guns, you perverts) OR qualified attack dog trainer
- Well-read in apologetics and Creation Science (Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron's critique on evilution, ex-homer psychology, etc.)

I am especially fond of pastors, preachers, and ministers in Christ® as I feel that ministry is my vocation and so sorely needed in this wretched suckular world. However, whomever Jesus sends my way will ultimately be acceptable. I am obedient, submissive (to fellow Christians), virginal, and have full, child-bearing hips to squeeze out your delightful Godly offspring.
Hmmm....It seems obvious that you wrote that with me in mind since I fit all of the qualifications exactly. Unfortunately I am still in mourning for poor Mrs. Pistle who was called home to GOD seven years ago when she fell out of an apple tree into the woodchipper in what can only be described as a very tragic accident. If it were not for the congregation...specifically Sister Sue Vera, who is kind enough to bring me a supper on occasion, my life would surely have been over by now. Even the purchase of Ching Lee, my chink housekeeper was marred because she is a filthy heathen. Though she is insubordinate and won't work, her parents refuse to return my money or take her back. Never trust chinks, may they all burn in hell.


Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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