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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,716
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: In the midst of His Will®
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9 Step Program for Curing Homers -
09-15-2006, 06:30 AM
1. Admit to yourself that you are powerless against the demons of sodomy, and that you are a wretched homer with zero self worth.
2. Admit to God, your friends, your family and everyone you meet on the street just exactly what kind of filthy depraved homer you are. Spare no details.
3. Believe that a Higher Power (Jesus Christ, He is the ONLY Power...false gods will only lead you to further buggery) can restore you to a Godly state of heterosexuality.
4. Brace yourself for your newfound hatred of the manly BUTTOCKS
5. Accept the Lord Christ into your heart, give him a VERY GENEROUS financial love offering, and beg him to drive the prostate tickling demons from your bowels.
6. Go to hospital and have your prostate surgically removed immediately, lest the demons return to infest it. The offending gland should then be rushed to the incinerator and destroyed.
7. Make a list of all persons you have sodomized, or have been sodomized by, and be willing to make amends to them all.
8. Thank God, Keep Jesus in your heart...then go out, get yourself a timid, mousy wife and seed her vigorously and frequently, as God has commanded!
9. You're cured! Praise The Lord!
There's also the 1 step program...which involves a Bible, a ski mask and a baseball bat (or was that a sock with a billiard ball in it?). I'll let Brother Mike elaborate on that if he wishes to.
Last edited by Witch Hammer; 09-16-2006 at 01:31 AM.
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True Christian™
Forum Member
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Posts: 104
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IOWA Ministry: Promise Enforcers, H.A.T.E. Ministry
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09-15-2006, 06:56 AM
Excellent program, brother. I'll make it part of our edification classes for recovering homers.
We are planning a new ministry called H.A.T.E. Ministry.
It stands for Homosexuality Abandonment Theology and Edification.
Basically we sneak up on homers who meet at public truckstop bathrooms. We wear a ceremonial ski mask or stocking and armed with a baseball bat and a KJV1611 Bible we basically minister to these lost souls of the devil.
Usually after we minister to them and they are lying unconcious on the ground we'll slip a chick tract or a mini KJV1611 Bible in their pockets.
PRAISE JESUS for HE has bestowed upon us this great priviledge of doing HIS work.
Got Jesus?
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Christ's Cōnsiliārius
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Posts: 9,311
Join Date: Sep 2006
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09-15-2006, 07:18 AM
Brothers, if you get your prostate removed you aren't going to be 'seeding' anyone. I know this for a fact....er.....having heard it from Vgrid.
Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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True Christian™
Forum Member
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Posts: 104
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IOWA Ministry: Promise Enforcers, H.A.T.E. Ministry
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09-15-2006, 07:37 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle
Brothers, if you get your prostate removed you aren't going to be 'seeding' anyone. I know this for a fact....er.....having heard it from Vgrid.
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I don't know what a prostrate is but it sounds pretty homer to me. Better have it removed just to be safe.
Got Jesus?
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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09-15-2006, 08:54 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother_Mike
I don't know what a prostrate is but it sounds pretty homer to me. Better have it removed just to be safe.
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Oh Brother Mikey, Pastor meand Prostate. It's that "little place" that Steve Irwin used to try and find while making Wild Animals perform for him.
My dear late departed husband used to have problems in that "department".
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Christ's Cōnsiliārius
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Posts: 9,311
Join Date: Sep 2006
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09-15-2006, 09:10 AM
Good heavens, Tali.....I said 'prostate'. BM said 'prostrate'. God will punish him for that!
Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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09-15-2006, 09:22 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle
Good heavens, Tali.....I said 'prostate'. BM said 'prostrate'. God will punish him for that!
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I shall "demonstrate" the difference at Church on Sunday. Hopefully God will forgive him.
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Recalcitrant
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Posts: 9
Join Date: Sep 2006
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09-15-2006, 06:13 PM
Ahem... retards...
You're not going to be seeding anyone without a prostate, and buttocks is not spelt buttox!
By the way I'm giving free human castrations to all LBC members, to stop the stupidity, this week. Please come by, although it may take a while... This butter knife is a little blunt and rusty.
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,555
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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09-15-2006, 07:27 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Sofa~
Ahem... retards...
You're not going to be seeding anyone without a prostate, and buttocks is not spelt buttox!
By the way I'm giving free human castrations to all LBC members, to stop the stupidity, this week. Please come by, although it may take a while... This butter knife is a little blunt and rusty.
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Listen Thespian mommy cave worshiper; were are Christians, not your homer guy friends. We do not have castration fantasies like those homers at the illegal clinic in North Carolina.
Try to open your mind sinner.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
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Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member
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Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
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09-16-2006, 12:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle
Brothers, if you get your prostate removed you aren't going to be 'seeding' anyone. I know this for a fact....er.....having heard it from Vgrid.
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Of course, heard it from Vgrid.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Mike
I don't know what a prostrate is but it sounds pretty homer to me. Better have it removed just to be safe.
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Definitely. I agree 100% Better to be safe than sorry!
And you know 'epidermis' is a pretty 'homer' sounding word too, maybe you should see if you can get that removed too because then there would be NO chance of you being a homer or even alive for that matter...
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
Last edited by Rachael Van Helsing; 09-16-2006 at 12:46 PM.
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Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,647
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: South Yorkshire, hotbed of sin
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09-16-2006, 03:59 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Witch Hammer
There's also the 1 step program...which involves a Bible, a ski mask and a baseball bat (or was that a sock with a billiard ball in it?). I'll let Brother Mike elaborate on that if he wishes to.
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WHY DO NONE OF THOSE STEPS INCLUDE PURCHASING A LANDOVER APPROVED 1611 KING JAMES VERSION HOLY BIBLE AND READING IT FROM COVER TO COVER?
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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