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The introduction forum Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.

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Love Jesus My Introduction! - 07-11-2016, 08:31 PM

Nice to meet you! My name is RaeLynn (I go by Rae), and I am a 26-year-old God-fearing woman. I live in God's great California with my husband, and our dog. I work as a teacher's assistant, and my husband is a pastor. I hope we can become good friends!
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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-11-2016, 08:45 PM

Hello, and welcome to our friendly forums! Are we to understand you have your husband's permission to post here? Is there a reason you are still barren, dear? Have you angered the LORD, or are you homely and your husband has yet to do his familial duty? You know, a little blush and mascara can bring the youth out that you've lost. Or, for a more natural approach, pinch your cheeks just before he gets home at the end of the day. Have a nice meal waiting for him (oysters might be a good choice, if you know what I mean, wink-wink), and show him your willingness to be everything he desires in a woman, subservient, clean, quiet. I hope you report with good news soon!


Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-11-2016, 08:53 PM

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Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Hello, and welcome to our friendly forums! Are we to understand you have your husband's permission to post here? Is there a reason you are still barren, dear? Have you angered the LORD, or are you homely and your husband has yet to do his familial duty? You know, a little blush and mascara can bring the youth out that you've lost. Or, for a more natural approach, pinch your cheeks just before he gets home at the end of the day. Have a nice meal waiting for him (oysters might be a good choice, if you know what I mean, wink-wink), and show him your willingness to be everything he desires in a woman, subservient, clean, quiet. I hope you report with good news soon!
My husband has given me permission to post on this forum, save for posting things that he would not approve of. And I did forget to mention that we are expecting our first child, a little girl. We plan to name her Melody Faith. We love the name, and are looking forward to starting a family in which our children will know the law!
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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-11-2016, 11:05 PM

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Originally Posted by RaeLynn View Post
Nice to meet you! My name is RaeLynn (I go by Rae), and I am a 26-year-old God-fearing woman. I live in God's great California with my husband, and our dog. I work as a teacher's assistant, and my husband is a pastor. I hope we can become good friends!
Hello, dear! I'm Elizabeth, and I'm a younger, Christian wife, with my own happy brood of children and loving husband. Where do you work, and does your husband allow you to leave your home duties? Congrats on your daughter, but when is a son, a soldier for Christ, coming?


"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-11-2016, 11:09 PM

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Originally Posted by RaeLynn View Post
...we are expecting our first child, a little girl...
How do you know that?

Oh, and the other 3/4s of your intro is still missing. Here's a hint: "...Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus..."


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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-12-2016, 10:09 AM

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Originally Posted by RaeLynn View Post
Nice to meet you! My name is RaeLynn (I go by Rae), and I am a 26-year-old God-fearing woman. I live in God's great California with my husband, and our dog. I work as a teacher's assistant, and my husband is a pastor. I hope we can become good friends!
Believe me, there is nothing great about California. It is a land where sin is encouraged, harlots and social deviants run rampant, and drugged out, tree hugging hippies dominate the state assembly, passing laws that would make Joseph Stalin look conservative.

Did I forget to mention that the state's communist governor, Jerry Brown, lived in sin with his current wife for fifteen years before he was finally forced into marrying her, most likely for political reasons.

It is a matter of time before God Almighty wills a great earthquake to take place which will cause the state to separate from the continent and sink into the sea.

I suggest that you move to neighboring Arizona before that happens.




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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-16-2016, 06:47 AM

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Originally Posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson View Post
Hello, dear! I'm Elizabeth, and I'm a younger, Christian wife, with my own happy brood of children and loving husband. Where do you work, and does your husband allow you to leave your home duties? Congrats on your daughter, but when is a son, a soldier for Christ, coming?
It is so nice to make your acquaintance. I actually work from home as a virtual assistant, and spend most of my time in the home. We are hoping to have a son very soon.
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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-16-2016, 06:53 AM

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Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
How do you know that?

Oh, and the other 3/4s of your intro is still missing. Here's a hint: "...Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus..."
Well...we have had an ultrasound, and we are expecting our daughter?


Oh...uh...well, we go to First Baptist in Willows, and my favorite Bible verses are Proverbs 31:26-28:


26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-16-2016, 05:08 PM

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Originally Posted by RaeLynn View Post
Well...we have had an ultrasound...
Why would you go to a doctor when the Bible says you should rely on faith and prayer to stay healthy?


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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-16-2016, 05:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by RaeLynn View Post
Well...we have had an ultrasound, and we are expecting our daughter?


Oh...uh...well, we go to First Baptist in Willows, and my favorite Bible verses are Proverbs 31:26-28:


26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
You do know that ultra sound has the effects of deadening the efferent nerve endings in a females nethers?

Where do you think lesbeans come from?

YIC


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Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Jesus' eternal love Re: My Introduction! - 07-20-2016, 07:39 AM

Oh, I also noticed that the forum requested my favorite Bible verse?

My personal favorite is Romans 8:37-39.


No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It really just shows the infinite love that Christ has for each and every one of us. And I know I am a sinner; one who decides to go my own way, and fall away from Him. But I also know that I am redeemed by the blood of Jesus, and He has made me white as snow!
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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-20-2016, 04:31 PM

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Originally Posted by RaeLynn View Post
...It really just shows the infinite love that Christ has for each and every one of us...
Ah, yes, Paul's letter to the CHURCH IN ROME. Where he's clearly talking to and about CHRISTIANS. You know, people who do what the Bible tells them to do?

Quote:
... And I know I am a sinner; one who decides to go my own way, and fall away from Him...
Matthew 7:21 "Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven."

So, NOT YOU.

Quote:
....But I also know that I am redeemed by the blood of Jesus, and He has made me white as snow!
Hardly.

So when are you going to actually read the Bible as it is written, and realize that it says you have even less chance at Salvation than I (a blaspheming, irreverent heretic) do? At least I know what it says I'm supposed to do.

I'm not a Christian by my choice. You're not a Christian by your ignorance.


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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-22-2016, 05:51 AM

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Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
Ah, yes, Paul's letter to the CHURCH IN ROME. Where he's clearly talking to and about CHRISTIANS. You know, people who do what the Bible tells them to do?

Matthew 7:21 "Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven."

So, NOT YOU.

Hardly.

So when are you going to actually read the Bible as it is written, and realize that it says you have even less chance at Salvation than I (a blaspheming, irreverent heretic) do? At least I know what it says I'm supposed to do.

I'm not a Christian by my choice. You're not a Christian by your ignorance.
I'm ignorant? Says the ***idiocy removed*** with nothing better to do than harass a young woman.


You say you know God, yet you show your ignorance to His Word by being cruel and harsh to a woman.


I WILL TALK BACK TO ANY MAN I CHOOSE. DO NOT USE YOUR STRAIGHT WHITE GUILT TO SILENCE ME.


Check mate, you limp-dicked sycophant. Hope your wife finds a man who can put out, rather than just huff.


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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-22-2016, 06:02 AM

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Originally Posted by RaeLynn View Post
I'm ignorant?...
Yes. Look up the definition. You fit.

Quote:
...Says the cunt with nothing better to do than harass a young woman...
You're welcome for the education, skank.

Quote:
...You say you know God, yet you show your ignorance to His Word by being cruel and harsh to a woman...
Huh? What the f*** does your sex have to do with you being stupid, or my trying to correct that fact?

Quote:
...I WILL TALK BACK TO ANY MAN I CHOOSE...
You're sexist, you know that?

Quote:
...DO NOT USE YOUR STRAIGHT WHITE GUILT TO SILENCE ME...


Quote:
...Check mate...
Hardly.

Quote:
, you limp-dicked sycophant. Hope your wife finds a man who can put out, rather than just huff.
Hey, great job basing your argument on those stupid things called facts (or Scripture, of which you're still ignorant), bitch. /sarcasm


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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-31-2016, 07:51 AM

Well I'm thankful this crazy harlot was placed in quarantine where she belongs. I will pray for her.


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Roast Beef Roast Beef is offline
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Roast Beef is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.Roast Beef is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-31-2016, 02:32 PM

Hello RaeLynn, I'm even newer to the Landover Baptists than you.
You seem like a good True Christian to me and I'm wondering if you can give me some helpful advice.
You see, until very recently I didn't think it was necessary to believe in God but then I had this dream which showed me what hell is like and I knew then that I should make a real effort and try to.
I've been told by many posters here that I must start by reading the Bible all the way through.
Easier said than done, in my opinion.
First off, the language is really off-putting and while I'm quite enjoying the stories about God telling his favourite Chosen People to massacre their neighbours, there are literally pages and pages of instructions about getting clean after having a period - which being a man I don't have - or a baby (ditto).
Perhaps you can tell me - when I die and am being judge, do you think God will test me on how much I know of these rules?
Also, do I need to be a Young Earth Creationist and believe in the authenticity of the Turin Shroud in order to win God's approval and not to be sent to Hell?


I am sure you know the answer to these questions.


Thanking you in advance for your time


Roast Beef.
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Joanna Lytton-Vasey Joanna Lytton-Vasey is offline
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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-31-2016, 04:18 PM

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Originally Posted by Roast Beef View Post
Hello RaeLynn....
No point, dear. She's restrained within a special area for egregious sinners and can't answer you.


Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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Roast Beef Roast Beef is offline
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Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-31-2016, 06:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
No point, dear. She's restrained within a special area for egregious sinners and can't answer you.
I am rather shocked and very disappointed to hear this dreadful news.


And she seems so pleasant!


In her absence, I wonder, dear Lady, if you might address these very real concerns of mine?


(Or perhaps I should raise them in the thread in which I introduced myself?
As a personage of wisdom - despite being a woman - and experience - I take it you do have experience? - what would you advise?
Matters here are becoming more pressing because I believe that Mrs Roast Beef No. 3 - or it might be No.4, I lose count of these things - is proposing to poison me and if she should succeed - God forbid! - I might be confronting that evil-eyed goat sooner rather than later).
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Joanna Lytton-Vasey's Avatar
Joanna Lytton-Vasey Joanna Lytton-Vasey is offline
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Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-31-2016, 07:30 PM

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Originally Posted by Roast Beef View Post
(Or perhaps I should raise them in the thread in which I introduced myself?
I suggest you do that. Perhaps someone with more patience/time on their hands than I have will address your questions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roast Beef View Post
Matters here are becoming more pressing because I believe that Mrs Roast Beef No. 3 - or it might be No.4, I lose count of these things - is proposing to poison me
Do give her my very best wishes.


Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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Roast Beef Roast Beef is offline
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Roast Beef is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.Roast Beef is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: My Introduction! - 07-31-2016, 07:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
Do give her my very best wishes.
That is kind of you.
However, I do think that if you were to meet Mrs Roast Beef No3 (or No.4) you might wonder if your "best wishes" are entirely appropriate.
When she became Mrs Roast Beef No. 3 (or No.4, depending on whom you wish to believe) she had just one chin and was whisker-less.
Now her chins merge seamlessly into her chest, and all of them are whiskery. She also possesses a bosom which, if it were not strapped up, would reach her knees.
Her temper, sad to relate, is entirely congruent with her thick, beetling eyebrows which meet in the middle in an extremely menacing manner.
Frankly - and speaking as her husband - she does not require anyone's best wishes.
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