THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS! Open for the CHRISTmas Season only. |
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True Christian™ Televangelist Director of Fundraising and Tithing On the Look Out for Wife #6!
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Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gifts -
12-25-2009, 05:47 PM
Merry CHRISTmas, brothers and sisters in Christ.
On behalf of the Landover Pastors Association®, I want to extend a warm thank you to the countless members of Landover Baptist Church who were generous enough to donate to the Landover Pastors Gift Fund. As you know, each year, the Gift Fund collects donations from all our members, from Platinum Tithers all the way down to Tin Tithers, to put towards a fund that rewards our Godly pastors with wonderful CHRISTmas presents.
Despite the economy being rough, many faithful members of the flock gave everything they had towards the fund, even if they themselves had to miss out on a CHRISTmas or pay important bills. I would like to personally recognize brother Jimmy-Roy Stewart, who eschewed buying his kids CHRISTmas presents this year and skipped a payment on his double-wide in order to contribute $2000 towards the Gift Fund. Thank you brother Jimmy-Roy!
I also want to recognize Sister Francine Jo Macarthur who raised over $10,000 with the intention of donating to an orphan children fund, but who after a long talk with me, felt that the money would best go to the Pastor's Gift Fund. Thank you, Francine Jo!
Brothers and sisters, these are what True Christians™ are all about! This is CHRISTmas and these people are expressing generosity and giving like Christ would. They are like the widow in the Book of Mark, who despite having only two mites, cast them into the temple treasury. Jesus recognized that woman for being Godly, as He does to everyone who donated this year.
So what did the Landover Pastor's Gift Fund yield? Just a couple things that say "Thank You" to our pastors for providing True Christian™ guidance and leadership.
Pastor Billy Reuben will be going to the historic St. Andrews Golf Course in Scotland in March for a two-week vacation. He also received a brand new set of Callaway golf clubs for the adventure.
Pastor Ezekiel received a brand-new fully-loaded (and customized!) 2010 Cadillac Escalade ESV AWD. About three weeks ago he himself bought a 2010 Escalade, but that one is white, whereas his Christmas present is black.
Pastor Deacon Fred received a Rolex™ YachtMaster II. This is the perfect accessory to the brand new 140-foot yacht he purchased this summer which is currently in a marina in the Cayman Islands.
Pastor Isaac Peters had one of his nine bathrooms at his palatial estate remodeled with genuine Italian marble. We offered to remodel more of his bathrooms, but being the modest and unselfish pastor he is, he insisted on only one.
Pastor Ezekiel Bathfire will be heading to Palm Tree Island in Dubai, UAE this January for some rest and relaxation, and to escape these brutal Iowa winters.
Lastly, I, the Rev. Jim Osborne, was gifted with two bottles of The Macallan 1926 60-year-old Scotch Whisky. One bottle to enjoy of course, and the other to add to my extensive collection. It was picked up at a Sotheby's auction for $38,000 each. I'll let you know if the price was worth it!
So on behalf of the grateful Landover Baptist Pastors, we want to say thank you for opening up your hearts and wallets to help us enjoy a beautiful Christmas this year. All year long we provide support and guidance to our flock, and sometimes it feels like a thankless job, but it's times like this that make it worth it.
God bless you and have a very Merry CHRISTmas,
Yours in Christ,
Rev. Jim Osborne
Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
12-25-2009, 06:03 PM
You're quite welcome, Reverend Jim!
PS Did you forget to come by for your Christmas Eggnog? Maybe the Word got around that I had run out of bottles of *vanilla*
- but I just got in an entire crateful more of it
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True Christian™ Televangelist Director of Fundraising and Tithing On the Look Out for Wife #6!
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,727
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Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
12-25-2009, 09:24 PM
Dear Sister Sue, normally I would never, ever miss your world famous egg nog, but truth be told, I woke up with cottonmouth, a pounding headache, and quaking tummy after a night of getting reacquainted with some of my 25 year old Scotches. I'm still shaking it off and have downed five cups of coffee already today. I need to get ready for the evening Christmas Service (7 pm, West Auditorium Hall) but perhaps if I've shaken off this hanger-over, I may stop by your place for a glass or two with you.
And, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to stuff my mouth with your delicious, juicy pie that makes you so well-known around town.
Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.
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The Prophet of Profit, Now Giving Financial Advice to Jesus in Heaven
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
12-25-2009, 11:11 PM
Nice gifts, Reverend Jim! I can see that you're a man of taste.
Before flying off to Cambodia for Christmas weekend to do some work in my missionary position, I had a nice quiet Christmas dinner with some of my business associates here in Hong Kong:
Nice bunch of fellows, as long as you don't cross them.
Wishing you all a prosperous Christmas and new year...
Brother Fred
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The Godliest Man in Godless Canuckistan
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
12-26-2009, 12:27 AM
Reverend Osborne, I must apologize deeply, and warn you of what's about to arrive. My ex-Eskimo wife has been moved by the change in me, and the change in her life, since I became a True Christian™, and she wanted to send you a delicacy her people have enjoyed for thousands of years by way of thanks to Landover Baptist and to you personally.
Had I known I would have forbidden her, but she thought it would be a nice surprise for us both. She told me just moments ago but the FedEx truck left yesterday evening. Thankfully FedEx does not deliver on Christmas, so you have some time. She sent you enough Igunak for a dozen people. A King's ransom amongst the Eskimos. It is raw rotten walrus meat. They bury the walrus carcus on the beach under rocks and let it ferment for several months. They believe this brings out the flavor.
My sincere apologies, and I've wired an appropriate sum into your personal account to pay for the HazMat team. I'm also pming you my personal account details in the likely event that a further offering is required.
Any suggestions on creative discpline for my wife are also welcome. While her heart was in the right place, she cannot make these decisions without my approval. This is something we cannot allow to be repeated.
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Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
12-26-2009, 01:38 AM
The warm-hearted generosity of the Landover Congregation never ceases to amaze me. My trip to Palm Tree Island in Dubai, UAE will be a working trip. As I would not wish to press my good fortune or create further expense, Mrs. Bathfire will remain in Freehold and I have been lucky enough to secure the services in the UAE of Miss Najda Al-Hamdan as interpreter and guide.
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Unsaved trash
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
12-26-2009, 06:25 AM
Shameful! All that money could have been used to feed the hungry, the sick and the poor little starving African babies.
It could have been used to help our own poor in America.
Or this fellow.
Bathfire, do you need a second on your journey?
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
12-26-2009, 03:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne
And, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to stuff my mouth with your delicious, juicy pie that makes you so well-known around town.
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Good Lord, Reverend! You still have an appetite after all of that "blackberry cobbler" you had at Brother Remy's Family Reunion?
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Director of European Evangelical Outreach A Shining Example of Christ's Love Quite possibly the only decent, heterosexual human being in the whole of Europe
True Christian™
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
12-26-2009, 03:34 PM
Rev. Jim. Is it possible that some unnamed Pastor was forgotten this year?
I'll PM you his name.
Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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True Christian™ Televangelist Director of Fundraising and Tithing On the Look Out for Wife #6!
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,727
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Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
12-26-2009, 04:26 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wide-Open
Rev. Jim. Is it possible that some unnamed Pastor was forgotten this year?
I'll PM you his name.
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No, not forgotten! It just so happens since this pastor is in Europe, we've run into a bit of a problem procuring his gift. See, we originally tried purchasing a condo along the Italian Riviera for him, but we ran into some real estate/tax law snags on the way. Our Joo lawyers are hard at work trying to iron out these problems. We didn't want to get his hopes up thinking he is going to have a new winter getaway hideout when the deal is not yet secure.
Of course we can always go to Plan B: A box of Belgistan chocolates. (Plus, there's not much left in the Gift Fund anyways).
Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.
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Director of European Evangelical Outreach A Shining Example of Christ's Love Quite possibly the only decent, heterosexual human being in the whole of Europe
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,677
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Location: A frictional country
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
12-26-2009, 04:32 PM
Ah, I see. Thank you. I mean, I will send the information to the Pastor involved.
Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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God Squad
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Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
12-26-2009, 08:33 PM
I want to thank you for the sleeping bag. Now I can turn the heat down at nights in the dorms. For some reason my heat is also on their pipe system.
We should start seeing a savings soon.
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance Christ's Rottweiler
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
01-07-2010, 04:45 PM
May I remind you that the yacht, m.v. "Landover's Glory", is available for hire to any Pastor and guests from 2nd June to 14th August. NB. There is a contribution of $50 a day towards running costs.
This is perhaps a good time to ask members of the congregation to look into their hearts to see if they cannot afford to give God a little more.
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True Christian™
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
01-07-2010, 05:05 PM
Reverend Osborne,
Glory to God what wonderful Christmas gifts! Praise His name!
Did you receive our present? The hand made Christmas Cards that my kids made for you?
-ND
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True Christian™ Televangelist Director of Fundraising and Tithing On the Look Out for Wife #6!
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,727
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
01-07-2010, 05:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noah Dint
Reverend Osborne,
Glory to God what wonderful Christmas gifts! Praise His name!
Did you receive our present? The hand made Christmas Cards that my kids made for you?
-ND
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I believe my secretary's assistant opened them up for me. From what I heard they were pretty nice cards. She said she looked at them longer than the other cards received before tossing them in the trash. Thank you!
Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.
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True Christian™
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Posts: 695
Join Date: Dec 2009
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
01-07-2010, 05:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne
I believe my secretary's assistant opened them up for me. From what I heard they were pretty nice cards. She said she looked at them longer than the other cards received before tossing them in the trash. Thank you!
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You are so very welcome! The children will be very excited!
I will tell them that they were enjoyed so much that you had them put in a special filing place with the others that you liked.
Glory!
-ND
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One of the Lord's Airborne Rangers Salvation from Above God's Favorite Pilot™
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
01-07-2010, 07:01 PM
Speaking of gifts, I'd like to thank whoever sent me this new hat to replace the one that was destroyed when my basement flooded and froze during our emergency trip to the Climate Conference in Denmark.
I'm sure it was just an oversight or a mistake made by the company, but it arrived at my house the other day COD and since it was sent Next Day Air, the shipping was quite expensive. But it is the thought that counts on the Baby Jesus' birthday, right?!? Glory!
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Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!
God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!
Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
01-07-2010, 09:20 PM
You got some very nice presents for Christmas
The glory of the LORD went up from the cherub, and stood over the threshold of the house; and the house was filled with the cloud, and the court was full of the brightness of the LORD's glory
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True Christian™ Just a Regular Nice Guy
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
01-07-2010, 10:59 PM
Rev. Osborne, my niece, Claudette wanted to thank you for the present you gave her. She was gushing with God and positively squeals with delight when your name is mentioned. She absolutely adores the putter of yours (I assume you gave it to her). She mumbled something about you lickingliking her stiff tees though I did not really get the gist of it, especially because it was so cold in Landover during the holidays. She also mentioned something about a couple of your balls though I have not seen her playing with them.
Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
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Re: Landover Pastors say "Thank You" for Wonderful CHRISTmas Gift -
01-07-2010, 11:33 PM
Oh, that reminds me; I would like to thank the Landover Pastors for picking up 50% of the tab at the annual Pastoral Security Detachment Christmas dinner. We all had a good time at the Freehold Olive Garden so thank you Pastors!
I would also like to thank Rev Osberne for being there with us at the party!
PS About that wine bill Rev, me and the boys are still waiting for your share of it.
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