PRAYER REQUESTS Please check regularly |
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,442
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-17-2011, 04:19 AM
Dear Friends,
Although this is a problem of which I have been relieved by my conversion to eunuchdom, I fear that many of our brothers and sister remain in thrall to the demon MASTURBATION. Just today, a female member of our congregation confided in me that she intended to spend all afternoon playing her "djuidoo." While I tried to convince her that she should djuidon't, I fear that she may have given in to the many-fingered self-lust that stunts the sexual development of so many Christian youths.
And so, I ask you to join me in the following prayer, and mention those poor afflicted souls for whom you particularly pray:
Dear Lord, who never improperly handled your own blessed genitals, we ask that your great self-control be a shining model unto others, who in treacherous sexual self-dealings have stimulated their orifices and glands with lascivious thoughts and deeds. We pray not only for those who use pornographic materials such as may be found at most Indian-run bodegas, but also for those who misuse lingere catalogs, childern's television shows, and pulsing shower heads. Grant that they who engorge and relieve like so many brute animals be filled instead with your grace, and spooge and cream no more, their hot fluttering fingers, racing pulse, and million spasming muscles being replaced by a mind and body dedicated to mortification and prayer.
Dear Lord, we particularly pray for all the tiny donged-Japaneesie floating down the Yahtzee river.
Yours in Him,
bab
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Forum Member
Forum Member
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Posts: 151
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: In an igloo on a frozen tundra
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-17-2011, 12:33 PM
Amen.
Spilling ones seed in vain is a sin.
Psalm 127:3-4:
Revelation 22:1:
And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb.
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America's Most Fair and Balanced Judge
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,611
Join Date: Jun 2009
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-17-2011, 01:27 PM
Amen, Brother BAB.
Unlike you I did not undergo the snipperectomy, but resorted to a crash program that consisted of wearing boxing gloves and watching "The Sound of Music" for seven straight days.
To this day if I feel an urge arising, I need only think of Julie Andrews and Willy gets wee once again.
Rev. Rodimer told me he used an 8 x 10 glossy of Nancy Pelosi to achieve the same results.
The Honorable HTannor (Pro NRA, Anti-Homer Marriage), Judge, Freehold Supreme Court
"Credo elvem etiam vivere"
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-17-2011, 02:22 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by HTannor
Amen, Brother BAB.
Unlike you I did not undergo the snipperectomy, but resorted to a crash program that consisted of wearing boxing gloves and watching "The Sound of Music" for seven straight days.
To this day if I feel an urge arising, I need only think of Julie Andrews and Willy gets wee once again.
Rev. Rodimer told me he used an 8 x 10 glossy of Nancy Pelosi to achieve the same results.
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Brother Tannor I do agree that just the thought of Julie Andrews will cause the shrinking of any Christians Willy, the aspect of using Nasty Nancy Pelosi's photo is a form of masochism, she is rather sadistic. Myself I have a life size painting of Jesus.
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Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah You kids get off his lawn!
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Posts: 22,438
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Close to God
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-17-2011, 02:51 PM
There are various ways to prevent masturbation. For example, when I get sinful urges I just think about my annoying neighbor Mrs. Johnson. That usually fixes the sinful urges for weeks.
I always use the following Biblical advice for chronic masturbators who fail to get rid of their filthy habbit:
Quote:
You are an obsessive compulsive masturbator. The Bible is very clear on what you have to do about that. You have to rent a chainsaw and remove your hand! Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched". To be on the safe side you might want to remove both hands.
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I am certain I have saved a lot of souls with that advice.
Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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America's Most Fair and Balanced Judge
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,611
Join Date: Jun 2009
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-17-2011, 03:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt
Myself I have a life size painting of Jesus.
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Sage advice, Brother Dewitt.
I recently purchased a Winchester just like that one. (It will probably show up on your next Platinum card statement.)
The Honorable HTannor (Pro NRA, Anti-Homer Marriage), Judge, Freehold Supreme Court
"Credo elvem etiam vivere"
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True Christian™ Creation Scientist Landover Baptist University Associate Professor Smashing atheist science one fact at a time
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,446
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Flood Hydrology Lab, Landover University, Freehold, IA
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-17-2011, 05:15 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt
Brother Tannor I do agree that just the thought of Julie Andrews will cause the shrinking of any Christians Willy, the aspect of using Nasty Nancy Pelosi's photo is a form of masochism, she is rather sadistic. Myself I have a life size painting of Jesus.
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I don't know, Brother. Usually thinking of Jesus fills my heart with fervor for the Lord, but when those despicable urges arise, More fervor isn't really the thing I need.
Nowadays I prefer to open my Bible and read either from Leviticus chapters 1-7 or chapters 1 Chronicles 1-9. Those are guaranteed to make you forget any excitement you might have felt.
I previously tried Song of Solomon, Ezekiel and Revelation, but they didn't work that way.
Sweet Lord Jesus,
I want to pray for those who persecute me, my Lord.
Please, treat their children as you treated those of Egypt, when they upset you! (Psalm 135:8-9)
Dash their little children against the stones for their fathers iniquity! (Psalm 137:8-9)
Hit them on the cheek, and smash out their teeth! (Psalm 3:7)
Make their death and descent into Hell swift and terrible! (Psalm 55:15)
Scatter their broken bodies over the streets of their evil cities, like Benghazi, Amsterdam, Tokyo and Mecca! (Psalm 110:6)
Praised be Your Glorious Name™.
Amen.
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Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
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Posts: 5
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: With polar bears
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-28-2011, 12:47 PM
Amen!
Replace 1st "stumble" with "look at porn" and 2nd "stumble" with "masturbating" - we know what to do!
"If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."
Matthew 5:29
Our Lord has granted us infinite wisdom through the Good Book! Unfortunately, most of us are too weak to live out the Word. Let us help out brothers and sisters to get rid of their weakness!
"Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived! Fornicators, idolaters, adulterers, arsenokoitēs, thieves, the greedy, drunkards, revilers, robbers, none of these will inherit the kingdom of God. "
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,554
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-17-2011, 03:36 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Born Again Bob
Dear Friends,
Although this is a problem of which I have been relieved by my conversion to eunuchdom, I fear that many of our brothers and sister remain in thrall to the demon MASTURBATION. Just today, a female member of our congregation confided in me that she intended to spend all afternoon playing her "djuidoo." While I tried to convince her that she should djuidon't, I fear that she may have given in to the many-fingered self-lust that stunts the sexual development of so many Christian youths.
And so, I ask you to join me in the following prayer, and mention those poor afflicted souls for whom you particularly pray:
Dear Lord, who never improperly handled your own blessed genitals, we ask that your great self-control be a shining model unto others, who in treacherous sexual self-dealings have stimulated their orifices and glands with lascivious thoughts and deeds. We pray not only for those who use pornographic materials such as may be found at most Indian-run bodegas, but also for those who misuse lingere catalogs, childern's television shows, and pulsing shower heads. Grant that they who engorge and relieve like so many brute animals be filled instead with your grace, and spooge and cream no more, their hot fluttering fingers, racing pulse, and million spasming muscles being replaced by a mind and body dedicated to mortification and prayer.
Dear Lord, we particularly pray for all the tiny donged-Japaneesie floating down the Yahtzee river.
Yours in Him,
bab
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Amen.
From my experience as a security officer here at Freehold having had to deal with some "youthful indiscretions" of various congratulation members I would also like to add the following items to BaB's heartfelt prayer to end masturbation; vacuum cleaners, toilet plungers, plastic models of the locomotive of the 20th Century Limited, brass decorative French style fence posts*, garden hoses and (as unlikely as it sounds) large restaurant style blenders.
* Don't ask when the security detail describes a woman as a "large gal"
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
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Forum Member
Forum Member
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Posts: 151
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: In an igloo on a frozen tundra
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-29-2011, 10:02 AM
Dear brothers and sisters,
As some of us may have noticed brother Faith_Machine strayed from his path and masturbated after devious woman told him pornographic stories today. This is a sad story indeed.
Let us all pray for him to find his way back to Jesus, and again forget his sinful masturbatory ways. Afterall he's clearly repenting and trying hard. He just needs a little bit of extra help.
I'm praying for him right now.
Revelation 22:1:
And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb.
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With faith as immovable as the Earth
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,779
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Body in England but HEART IN FREEHOLD!
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-29-2011, 09:48 PM
All nonsense. It's easy to give up masturbating, you just need strength of character! I gave up yesterday and twice this morning with no problem.
Just get a grip!
YiC
Jack
Genesis 22:2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.
I know God wouldn't let me believe in Him if He didn't exist.
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-30-2011, 10:41 AM
Please do continue to pray for me, brothers and sisters. I've been on a multi-day masturbation binge, or as I like to call it, a "masturbinge," since before Living_Water posted the above prayer request.
I am so ashamed of myself right now, and the more I hate myself for doing this, the more I do it!
I've even been looking at the Lane Bryant catalog.
WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-30-2011, 01:04 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine
Please do continue to pray for me, brothers and sisters. I've been on a multi-day masturbation binge, or as I like to call it, a "masturbinge," since before Living_Water posted the above prayer request.
I am so ashamed of myself right now, and the more I hate myself for doing this, the more I do it!
I've even been looking at the Lane Bryant catalog.
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Boy this ain't the Cathlik Church. Sorry but Jesus does not accept the I quit then oops I did it again crap. The damn Catliks sin Monday through Friday, show up for confession, tell the Pedophile behind the curtain of their atrocities. Sure the Pedophile tells them they are bad and then has the sinner repeat some form of worship to Mary. On Sunday they come to church eat a death cookie and have a swallow of cheap wine. Come Monday they are right back at it masturbating and searching for whores!
If you cant keep your hands off your tallywacker with out abusing it, CUT OFF YOUR HANDS!
Mark 9:43
And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
03-30-2011, 09:03 PM
Wouldn't it be better to sever my manhood? I feel I would be a burden to society if I had no hands, and would be forced to collect welfare.
Also, even without hands, I fear I would be tempted to visit the so-called "glory holes."
Have you heard about these things? Men put their manhoods through holes in wallls, and really attractive women on the other sides of these walls perform unnatural acts upon them.
WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
12-22-2011, 06:52 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine
Please do continue to pray for me, brothers and sisters. I've been on a multi-day masturbation binge, or as I like to call it, a "masturbinge," since before Living_Water posted the above prayer request.
I am so ashamed of myself right now, and the more I hate myself for doing this, the more I do it!
I've even been looking at the Lane Bryant catalog.
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I just wanted to check back and offer my sincere and heartfelt thanks to everybody who prayed for me! I'm coming up on nine months of complete abstinance, and let me tell you, the amount of energy I have is incredible!!!
WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 47
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: spanking my monkey in Jew York City
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Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS -
01-28-2013, 09:47 PM
hey Bob how did you castrate yourself ?
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