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Smile Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 12:23 AM

Just what it says on the wrapper: Give us your best impersonation of the sort of pseudo-Christian space cadet who only thinks he's saved. I'll start.

You Landover Baptists are a bunch of evil, hate-filled, backwoods redneck hicks, and you'll be the first ones to go to hell. How can you not know that only God is allowed to judge?


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 12:46 AM

The Old Testament doesn't apply except the ten commandments, Psalms and Proverbs, but only the parts of them I happen to agree with my 21st century sense of morality.

The other parts are merely ceremonial laws that were only meant for the Jews.

Who decides what I follow and don't? Um, Jesus whispers it in my ear. Yeah, the Holy Spirit tells me what I should follow or not.


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 12:53 AM

I follow every word of the New Testament, except the parts I don't like. The parts I don't like were only meant between Jesus and His disciples, Jesus and the Pharisees or between Paul and the church he was writing to. And the parts of Revelation I don't like, are all symbolic.


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 01:03 AM

Jesus never said anything about homosexuality; therefore, you shouldn't, either.

(True Christian™ quotes the Epistles)

Excuse me, but it's called Christianity, not Paulianity.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 01:09 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Isaac Peters View Post

Excuse me, but it's called Christianity, not Paulianity.
And Jesus came to do away with the law.

(True Christian™ shows where Jesus tells us to follow the Law in the Gospels.)

Well, check out Colossians, Galatians, Romans and 1 Corinthians that I think say He did come to do away with the Old Testament Law!


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 01:13 AM

Jesus loved everyone sooo much, that he died on the cross for everyone to go to Heaven, whether they knew it and believed or not. Cathlics will go to Heaven, and hindus will go to Heaven, and mooslims will go to Heaven, and especially Native Americans who were like the first pagans and close to nature and stuff, they will go to Heaven too.




Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 05:12 AM

The Flood wasn't really global; it was just a local flooding of the Mesopotamian Basin. That's why God set the rainbow in the sky, as a reminder of His promise that He would never send any more local floods. Genesis 1 isn't meant to be taken literally either. There's just too much scientific evidence to the contrary. God made the world over billions of years and allowed evolution to give us the species we have today.

I like my NIV because it cuts out some of the unfavourable passages in the KJV and uses language I can understand better.


Mt 21:42, 44 Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes . . . ? And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.

Find out what the Bible says about: Fortnite: Battle Royale, asexuality, shaving, psychiatry, chronic fatigue syndrome, babies
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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 05:27 AM

My favorite Bible verse is John 3:16! Jesus loves everyone regardless of what sins or blasphemies they commit. Now excuse me, I have to go engage in homosexual activities and save the whales and smoke drugs.


Let Jesus Christ Wash You Clean
in 2016

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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 05:43 AM

Jesus didn't really hate queers. He never talked about them, God loves everyone, and anyway times have changed.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 06:53 AM

The King James is a horrible translation. Modern scholars are so much more in tune with what Jesus said and meant than they were 400 years ago!
They didn't even have computers then!
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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-15-2012, 07:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson View Post
The King James is a horrible translation. Modern scholars are so much more in tune with what Jesus said and meant than they were 400 years ago!
They didn't even have computers then!
Get your copy of the Queen James Bible (QJV2012) today – it's fabulous.

Quote:
A Gay Bible

Homosexuality in The Bible

Homosexuality was first mentioned in the Bible in 1946 in the Revised Standard Version. There is no mention of or reference to homosexuality in any Bible prior to this – only interpretations have been made. Anti-LGBT Bible interpretations commonly cite only eight verses in the Bible that they interpret to mean homosexuality is a sin; Eight verses in a book of thousands!

The Queen James Bible seeks to resolve interpretive ambiguity in the Bible as it pertains to homosexuality: We edited those eight verses in a way that makes homophobic interpretations impossible.

Who is Queen James?

The King James Bible is the most popular Bible of all time, and arguably the most important English language document of all time. The brainchild and namesake of King James I, who wanted an English language Bible that all could own and read, it has been in print for over 400 years and has brought more people to Christ than any other Bible translation. Commonly known to biographers but often surprising to most Christians, King James I was a well-known bisexual. Though he did marry a woman, his many gay relationships were so well-known that amongst some of his friends and court, he was known as “Queen James.” It is in his great debt and honor that we name The Queen James Bible so.

A Fabulous Bible

The QJB is a big, fabulous Bible. It is printed and bound in the United States on thick, high-quality paper in a beautiful, readable typeface. It is the perfect Bible for ceremony, study, sermon, gift-giving, or simply to put on display in the home or Church.

You can’t choose your sexuality, but you can choose Jesus. Now you can choose a Bible, too.

http://queenjamesbible.com/


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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 01:20 PM

The Bible is a collection of myths, mistranslations, and moral codes that may have made sense back then — except for the parts that I like, which are a crystal clear expression of God's eternal will.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 01:59 PM

Animals go to heaven. Children aren't in danger of being sent to hell until they reach the age of accountability (that's a doctrine I made up without any basis in Scripture). People who live in remote places that have never heard the Gospel might go to heaven after they die if they lived a good life. I'll just ignore Romans 1 and John 14:6.


Mt 21:42, 44 Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes . . . ? And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.

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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 02:24 PM

What you're saying is just so hurtful. The God I know is a God of love, and He would never mean such a thing. You have to be interpreting it wrong.


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 04:03 PM

Have I read the Bible? Well, some New Testament passages, but I don't need to read all of it - I have a personal relationship with God.
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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-14-2012, 08:56 PM

JUDGE NOT, LEST YOU BE JUDGED!

Christ taught us to love each other no matter what, not to hate!



The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.
- Proverbs 15:3

CHILDREN'S STORY: TIMMY ON TRIAL


CHRISTIAN ADVICE AND MESSAGES OF HOPE! GOD'S GREATEST HITS!


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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-15-2012, 04:43 AM

I'm sure all those children killed in the Connecticut school shooting are now in the loving embrace of Jesus, while the gunman is now burning in hell -- even though he may have repented just as he was committing suicide. God didn't will this to happen; He simply allowed it to happen.


Mt 21:42, 44 Jesus saith unto them, Did ye never read in the scriptures, The stone which the builders rejected, the same is become the head of the corner: this is the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes . . . ? And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.

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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-15-2012, 04:57 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pim Pendergast View Post
I'm sure all those children killed in the Connecticut school shooting are now in the loving embrace of Jesus, while the gunman is now burning in hell -- even though he may have repented just as he was committing suicide. God didn't will this to happen; he simply allowed it to happen.
Yes, just like all the Amalekite babies went to heaven!


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-15-2012, 10:32 AM

God loves everyone equally.

You do not have to go to Church or even read the Bible to be a Christian.

Of course women have souls.

Only God can judge me.

The Bible is so wrong about a lot of things.

God was a black man.

Everyone gets to go to Heaven.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Talk like a liberal false Christian! - 12-15-2012, 11:38 AM

The 6 day creation was never meant to be taken literally. Every day to God is like a thousand years so 6 days to us would actually be a lot longer than that. I'm guessing about 13.72 billion years.


Genesis 22:2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.



I know God wouldn't let me believe in Him if He didn't exist.
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