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Default My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-01-2012, 05:36 PM

Friends,

As some of you already know, Abigail spoke in church yesterday. We know from scripture this is strictly forbidden;

1st Corinthians 14:34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.
1st Corinthians 14:35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

We were leaving when I saw Brother Porter. I know Harold is a big fan of my wife's cherry pie, so I thought I'd invite him over for a slice. I grabbed Abigail's hand and was crossing the floor when Brother Smyth stepped on her foot and she barked out an "OWWWW".

I do not think I have ever been more embarrassed in my life. I could see in your faces the embarrassment for the shame she caused me.

I've had her locked up in the mestra-shack since and have been contemplating her punishment. I've not had to do this before, she's always been unquestioningly obedient, as any wife should be;

1st Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Ephesians 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

So what should I do? Just walk in there and slap her across the face? Spanking? Is it ok to use a closed fist? I'm new at this, please help.
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-01-2012, 05:47 PM

I heard that and I can tell you I didn't appreciate it. Send her around to my Pastoral Offices tonight around 11. She'll need to bring a bucket of ice and dress in loose-fitting clothing.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-01-2012, 05:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I heard that and I can tell you I didn't appreciate it. Send her around to my Pastoral Offices tonight around 11. She'll need to bring a bucket of ice and dress in loose-fitting clothing.
Bless you Pastor Ezekiel

She'll be there promptly at 11.
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-01-2012, 06:04 PM

This sense of fellowship is something atheists can only dream of.
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-01-2012, 07:17 PM

She needs a good spanking.


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-01-2012, 11:49 PM

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Originally Posted by John Creeser View Post
I've had her locked up in the mestra-shack since and have been contemplating her punishment. I've not had to do this before, she's always been unquestioningly obedient, as any wife should be;
Brother, it's Thursday afternoon. Given that it was not her intent to speak in church, and she was not flaunting your direction, my thinking is that she's been adequately punished. A Christian man knows when it is time for a little compassion.

Besides, how can she cook your dinner if she's locked up?

I do recommend going down to her shack carrying a baseball bat. Knock on the door with it, then come in . . . and ask her if she'd like to play ball after dinner. (A little scare won't hurt.)


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Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-01-2012, 11:50 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
Brother, it's Thursday afternoon. Given that it was not her intent to speak in church, and she was not flaunting your direction, my thinking is that she's been adequately punished.

Besides, how can she cook your dinner if she's locked up?
My ex-wife Ethel cooked dinner with one hand and one bloody stump for weeks before she died. What one woman can do, another can do.


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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-02-2012, 12:33 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
Brother, it's Thursday afternoon. Given that it was not her intent to speak in church, and she was not flaunting your direction, my thinking is that she's been adequately punished. A Christian man knows when it is time for a little compassion.

Besides, how can she cook your dinner if she's locked up?

I do recommend going down to her shack carrying a baseball bat. Knock on the door with it, then come in . . . and ask her if she'd like to play ball after dinner. (A little scare won't hurt.)
Well...me and the boys are absolutely famished..and it is laundry night. I suppose you're right. If she hurry's she can cook, do a load and still make her appointment with Pastor Ezekiel.
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-02-2012, 01:19 AM

Well brother John, I certainly hope she got the message when the elders all came over there and started praying over her.

I'm pretty sure I know what next week's sermon is going to be about.
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-02-2012, 01:56 AM

Whatever you do, just be sure not to leave any marks. I know Abby is submissive and is unlikely to abuse the secular legal system to subvert Biblical domestic discipline, but be careful anyways. Once you've established the consequences of impertinence and unladylike behavior with her, all it should take in the future is a loud snap of your fingers and an icy stare.


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In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power



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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-02-2012, 05:34 PM

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Originally Posted by Jedediah View Post
Whatever you do, just be sure not to leave any marks. I know Abby is submissive and is unlikely to abuse the secular legal system to subvert Biblical domestic discipline, but be careful anyways. Once you've established the consequences of impertinence and unladylike behavior with her, all it should take in the future is a loud snap of your fingers and an icy stare.
Sound advice Brother, thank you. Brother Porter suggested using a phone book for any future "correcting", as it doesn't leave marks.
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-02-2012, 06:00 PM

There may be a deeper problem. I have been vulnerable in the past to suggestive media reports of an extratesstrial origin for life on Earth. Or at least some of it. These reports I now see as a metaphor for sexual impropriety and Warwickshire is full of bisexual lesbians, I've recently discovered. Could it be that your wife is considering becoming a lesbian?

I had a couple of beauty therapists here the other day, who had been discussing the anuses of homosexual men. I asked them if women were similarly inclined to homosexuality and they described numerous things that it would be necessary for them to do if they were. I think they decided that they were not lesbians, but then they left. I haven't seen them since, but if you put it to your wife that she is a lesbian and asked her to describe the numerous perversions that would entail I think that she would be shocked into reality, see media brainwashing (lesbian kisses on soap operas and so on) for what it is and be grateful to you, for her narrow escape.


Proverbs 20:23 Divers weights are an abomination unto the LORD; and a false balance is not good.
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-02-2012, 06:30 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adam Ski View Post
Gay
Don't you ever think about anything else but homersexuality?
Typical atheists I guess.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
Brother, it's Thursday afternoon. Given that it was not her intent to speak in church, and she was not flaunting your direction, my thinking is that she's been adequately punished. A Christian man knows when it is time for a little compassion.
I tend to agree with you here, but my Agnes was very upset about the incident.
It must be clear that we simply don't tolerate such behavior.


"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
John 8:32
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-02-2012, 07:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adam Ski View Post
incoherent homer ramblings
Hello Adam, are you on a day pass from the Landover Rehabilitation Center?

This would explain how you extrapolated your accusation that my wife is a lesbian from opening her stupid yap in Church. I can assure you that my wife is no...what's the slang the kids use these days...laminate floor licker.

Now kindly get back to the center and take your meds before I call Bobby Joe and have you removed.
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-03-2012, 12:55 AM

I heard this; nothing makes the congregation go silent like a woman yapping away in church. Unquestionably she should be punished, but since it's her first time maybe a few open hand slaps, buttock beatings with a thick paddle and sending her off to Pastor Ezekiel's to apologise is appropriate.

Make sure she knows that next time she thinks about opening her trap, she might not get off so lightly!

I wish you and your wife well John, it's been too long.


6
A woman came up to me the other day, 12/6/2016 and said:
"But Mr. Winner, if GOD loves everyone then why is there so much suffering in the world?"

Because GOD doesn't love everyone. Too many people have this absurd idea in their heads that GOD is all loving.
If he was all loving, then murderers, thieves and homosexuals would be waiting for you in Heaven.

GOD doesn't open his gate to just anyone. Being a True Christian™ is like a Queue Jump ticket at Disney, we are guaranteed a ride with JESUS.
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-03-2012, 05:26 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson View Post
Well brother John, I certainly hope she got the message when the elders all came over there and started praying over her.

I'm pretty sure I know what next week's sermon is going to be about.
Thanks for your help Pastor. That was some hard, hard work on your part. And Rev. Jim performed like a man half his age.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-09-2012, 11:07 AM

Woah, you must go to a pretty good "Christian" church. I mean, equivalence is something God must hate. That is stupid. I think that females, blacks, asians, males, etc. are all equal, because I grew up reading the scriptures as God loves everyone. Shameful. How dare I? I am female. I controlled that being born. I decided to be a female in the womb. I am going to Hell. Thank you for your reassurance. Biased.
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Default Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-09-2012, 11:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenteaplease View Post
Woah, you must go to a pretty good "Christian" church. I mean, equivalence is something God must hate. That is stupid. I think that females, blacks, asians, males, etc. are all equal, because I grew up reading the scriptures as God loves everyone. Shameful. How dare I? I am female. I controlled that being born. I decided to be a female in the womb. I am going to Hell. Thank you for your reassurance. Biased.
There you go again. It's no good thinking things and imposing your own narrow morality onto that of God.
John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

Numbers 35:29 So these things shall be for a statute of judgment unto you throughout your generations in all your dwellings.

God tells us what is right and proper in all things. To start to countermand this just because you don't understand God is a massive failure to understand that God wants you to do as you are told or burn forever.

Jesus eloquently spelled this out.
Matthew 7:21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
So when you spurn the will of God you are basically saying to God that you would rather burn than to accept His loving gift of a set of iron clad and totally non-contradictory rules to be followed without question.

How could you!



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

Join me in scoffing at backwards Muslims clinging to their beliefs in the face of the evidence!
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Default 03-09-2012, 11:29 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenteaplease View Post
Woah, you must go to a pretty good "Christian" church. I mean, equivalence is something God must hate. That is stupid. I think that females, blacks, asians, males, etc. are all equal, because I grew up reading the scriptures as God loves everyone. Shameful. How dare I? I am female. I controlled that being born. I decided to be a female in the womb. I am going to Hell. Thank you for your reassurance. Biased.
It's dungaree wearing radical feminazis like you that give women a bad name

All the best.
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Unhappy Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished? - 03-13-2012, 04:54 AM

This is very saddening to hear, brother in Christ. Women such as her are arrogant, and they turn their backs on the LORD when they violate his sacred commands. They should obey their wifely and womanly duties strictly, and should NEVER question man's higher role. I pray that the LORD and SAVIOR show her wicked feminazi soul mercy.

I do agree with disciplining her. A few righteous slaps ought to do it, and more if she refuses to cook your dinner.


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