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MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES! Who knows? The love of your life might be here! All the single men are GODLY and all the single ladies are virgins...........for the most part.

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Default My Daughter... - 12-19-2009, 06:04 AM

My wife asked me to see if this where I might find a decent Godly man for our daughter? She takes after her mother, is a good girl, and spends much time on her knees.

-ND
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-19-2009, 12:04 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Noah Dint View Post
My wife asked me to see if this where I might find a decent Godly man for our daughter? She takes after her mother, is a good girl, and spends much time on her knees.

-ND
How old is she? What's her best pie? We'll need to know more details about the girl if you want to find a good Christian man for her.

How often have you had to beat her? Does she take direction well?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-19-2009, 04:02 PM

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Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
How old is she? What's her best pie? We'll need to know more details about the girl if you want to find a good Christian man for her.

How often have you had to beat her? Does she take direction well?
Pastor,

She's a good girl. Loves her mother. Loves Jesus and America too. She is 19 and a True Blonde™. She makes a great cherry pie - as inherited from her mother. She is currently working in the daycare here on the island to prepare her for the proper upbringing of children. (Mrs. Dint and I thought starting out with heathenistic children would be best. That way if she makes any major mistakes that result in major challenges for the child it will not matter as much)

What do you think sir?

-ND
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-20-2009, 09:38 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Noah Dint View Post
Pastor,

She's a good girl. Loves her mother. Loves Jesus and America too. She is 19 and a True Blonde™. She makes a great cherry pie - as inherited from her mother. She is currently working in the daycare here on the island to prepare her for the proper upbringing of children. (Mrs. Dint and I thought starting out with heathenistic children would be best. That way if she makes any major mistakes that result in major challenges for the child it will not matter as much)

What do you think sir?

-ND
She sounds promising, although at 19 she's a bit over-the-hill. Most True Christian™ girls have popped out two or three little soldiers for Christ by that age.

How often have you had to beat her?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-20-2009, 11:50 AM

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Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
How often have you had to beat her?
Pastor,

I am sure you saw through my avoidance of this question asked prior. For that I appologize to you kind sir.

Have you ever owned a dog you just can't stop from pooping in the house? No matter how much time and training and effort you put into the little critter? Well sir, my daughter has inherited many of her mother's fine qualities and ever since she was a young child we have noticed that what ever God puts into a blonde girl to make them act in a certain blonde way - she got a double dose. Now I am not putting her into the same steriotype used in blonde jokes and such things, but she just "doesn't get it" quite a bit of the time.

I do not know if it is a flaw with my parenting when I was a younger man or just the way Billie is, but it seems that we have slacked off of the beatings quite a good amount after we realized that no matter how hard or often we beat the girl - she was still mighty scatter brained. It was either accept her blondeness for what it is, or beat the girl to death! There really was no "win" in it for anyone.

So sir, to be completely upfront - we have most likely not beaten her enough.

-ND
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-21-2009, 11:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Noah Dint View Post
So sir, to be completely upfront - we have most likely not beaten her enough.
The truth comes out. You've got an old maid on your hands, and you're trying to foist her off on us. Still, we could probably keep her gainfully employed here at Landover Center. Bring her by after the holidays. Just tell the receptionist you have the "new girl."


Newt

I loved Newt before Newt was invincible
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-21-2009, 04:38 PM

Thank you Brother Lee. Yes, that is pretty much what we were afraid of. She is almost out of her teens already and not even being courted!

I appreciate the offer to "take her on". We'll drop her by after the holidays. I'll have the Mrs. go down and get her a bus ticket. We can give it to her for CHRISTmas and make her feel grateful for it.

-ND
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-21-2009, 06:06 PM

Brother Hank might like her. He seems like he wants to get married pretty bad. You should have him meet her, because he asks all the girls if they are married. I don't think he very picky, if you know what I mean.




Girls, do you have embarrassing "problems" with your down there parts like I used to?
Reverend Jim Osborne can help!




He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he. Deuteronomy 32-4
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-21-2009, 08:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Noah Dint View Post
Pastor,

She's a good girl. Loves her mother. Loves Jesus and America too. She is 19 and a True Blonde™. She makes a great cherry pie - as inherited from her mother. She is currently working in the daycare here on the island to prepare her for the proper upbringing of children. (Mrs. Dint and I thought starting out with heathenistic children would be best. That way if she makes any major mistakes that result in major challenges for the child it will not matter as much)

What do you think sir?

-ND
Is she crazy about Elvis? If so, I believe my grandson Tyrone might be interested in courting her.


Well bless my soul. What is wrong with thee? You're twitchin' like man with epilepsy. Who do you think would have such bad luck? In the name of Jesus, now get up and walk! Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah!

All Shook Up For The Lord.
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-21-2009, 08:22 PM

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Is she crazy about Elvis?
Being Good Christian Parents™ and raising her properly we have insured that she has no idea what-so-ever who Elvis is.

-ND
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-22-2009, 06:59 PM

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Originally Posted by Noah Dint View Post
Being Good Christian Parents™ and raising her properly we have insured that she has no idea what-so-ever who Elvis is.

-ND
If she loves horses, I may be able to put her to work on my farm. My son lives in the barn with the horses. They would be great together. I am teaching him that he needs to make his own way in this world. Just because Mommy and Daddy live in a nice warm house that they paid for, doesn't mean that he can come in and freeload. When he saves up enough money, he can rent a room from us.
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-22-2009, 08:21 PM

She does love horses and I do appreciate the offer but she already has a boyfriend.

-ND
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-22-2009, 10:16 PM

I'm an atheist, but would be more then happy to take your daughter off your hands, especially as she's used to spending so much time on her knees, as she would be for me - but not praying i assure you.
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-22-2009, 10:23 PM

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I'm an atheist, but would be more then happy to take your daughter off your hands, especially as she's used to spending so much time on her knees, as she would be for me - but not praying i assure you.
I do not take offense to your words Heathen. I simply take comfort in knowing that you are going to burn in Hell forever.

Know that I don't need to get the last word in either. Jesus will do that while I simply smile and watch. Look for me! I may even nod my head at you in affirmation! Glory!

-ND
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-22-2009, 10:31 PM

Haha, i bet.

Remind me to repent on my deathbed, if someone wants salvation they have but to ask of it and they shall receive it........So see you in heaven.....oh wait doesn't exist damnit....
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Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-22-2009, 10:38 PM

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Haha, i bet.

Remind me to repent on my deathbed, if someone wants salvation they have but to ask of it and they shall receive it........So see you in heaven.....oh wait doesn't exist damnit....
Oh silly, silly man. You really think it is that easy?

What a pricely thing you gamble with - your soul. I commend you on having a fortitude that I do not have. You are such an amazing individual that you would take your ultimate posession and cast it upon the gambling table! Glory to God! If you win you don't go to Heaven - if you lose you go to Hell.

You must make some very stupid decisions in life. You've already shown that you make stupid decisions afterwards.

I can just see you standing before Jesus now with a smug look on your face saying, "Hahahaha, I got 'cha! I lived in sin my entire life but then I repented at the last moment. You HAVE to let me in now!"

-ND
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EmilyRose EmilyRose is offline
Unsaved trash, Teenaged queer boy

How dumb can you get?

 
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EmilyRose is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.EmilyRose is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.EmilyRose is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.EmilyRose is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.EmilyRose is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.EmilyRose is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.EmilyRose is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-22-2009, 10:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dan Brown View Post
I'm an atheist, but would be more then happy to take your daughter off your hands, especially as she's used to spending so much time on her knees, as she would be for me - but not praying i assure you.
LMAO!! Oh dear, you sir have just made my day.
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Meek and Humble Meek and Humble is offline
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Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-22-2009, 10:49 PM

Thanks for proving what I've known all along - atheists are sex-obsessed pervert.
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Rev. M. Rodimer Rev. M. Rodimer is offline
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Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Rev. M. Rodimer will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-22-2009, 10:50 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dan Brown View Post
Haha, i bet.

Remind me to repent on my deathbed, if someone wants salvation they have but to ask of it and they shall receive it........So see you in heaven.....oh wait doesn't exist damnit....
You will see Heaven across the chasm which separates Heaven from Hell.

Do you know what it means to repent?

You must sincerely regret your sins. You must realize that every time you break any one of God's 600+ Laws, even without knowing the Laws, you wound our all-powerful Lord and cause Him unfathomable suffering and agony.

Realizing that He came to Earth in human form and then gave up His temporary human life for three whole days until it was time for Him to resurrect Himself back into that human form before returning to Heaven -- a greater sacrifice I've never seen, particularly astounding given His omnipresence -- and that each time you sin you spit in the face of His ultimate sacrifice, you will never be capable of sin again. You will feel regret, shame, and disgust with yourself at having so abused Him, and the fact that you have caused Him to weep bitter tears of unknowable anguish.

That, my friend, is repentance.

Saying, "Oh, I'm about to die, no more time for sins, sorry God!" is not repentance. That's just one more insult to Him, and will serve only to punch your ticket for the Hell Train.


Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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Meek and Humble Meek and Humble is offline
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Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Meek and Humble will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: My Daughter... - 12-22-2009, 10:50 PM

Thanks for proving what I've known all along - atheists are sex-obsessed perverts.
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