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Default Tyromancy - 03-08-2015, 01:35 PM

Mrs Bathfire decided to make some cottage cheese: I wouldn't touch the stuff myself it is all gooey and clings around my mouth, so I went off to the my car to fit a golden "Jesus-Fishes" to each side and the front and rear.

I'm not trying to be "holier-than-thou", more I am wanting to proclaim my faith and flush out the persecutors, and, believe me, there are enough of them

When I had finished, I stood back to admire the skill that the Lord had given me, and wondered if the same company did a small cross to go beneath or at the side of each of them.

I decided to look at the internet on my cellphone for an answer. Anyway, it must have been Jesus moving my fingers, because I came across a dictionary entry: Tyromancy: Divining by the coagulation of cheese.

My first thought was, "This is forbidden by God! Why is there a word for it?" Then I answered my own question, "Because there needs to be an accurate charge brought before the Court of The Almighty on Judgment Day."

I prodded at the phone a little longer but I was getting nowhere, so I went back to use my real computer and as I passed the kitchen and distinctly heard Mrs Bathfire saying "Where's Ezekiel?! Where can he have gotten to? The man's been gone an hour!" and all the time there was the cottage cheese in a bowl in front of her!

Well, I think you are ahead of me here! Yes! I marched straight in, tipped the Cheese of Evil down the sink and smacked Mrs Bathfire across the head and uttered the single word "Tyromancy!" and continued on towards my computer in the prayer closet.

Mrs Bathfire has never taken rebuke well and I was struck from the rear by various kitchen implements but I ignored it.

However, it turns out that a group of Mrs B's friends were coming round this evening and the cottage cheese was to be shared out among them (A sort of "Feeding of the 5,000 in reverse if the quantity of cheese were to be believed.) I shouted from inside my prayer closet that none of them would have wanted to eat cheese possessed by Satan but this logic evaded Mrs B.

She left a note saying that I was to explain to anyone of her friends who arrived why there was no food and why she had gone to her sister's for a week.

However, I am still worried about that cheese... have I flushed it sufficiently from the house?

On the up-side I've found the crosses and they are the same color and finish as the Jesus-Fishes.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
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Default Re: Tyromancy - 03-08-2015, 01:58 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
However, I am still worried about that cheese... have I flushed it sufficiently from the house?
You say you flushed it down the sink, Brother Bathfire? I would be worried that the filthy, claggy mess might get caught in the U-bend or (worse) block the outside drains under your property. You might want to call a plumber to check and flush-through if necessary.

I'm delighted to hear about the matching crosses, though. Matthew 7:7!


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Default Re: Tyromancy - 03-09-2015, 12:05 AM

Quote:
Tyromancy: Divining by the coagulation of cheese.
Could it be any worse than the Godly art of Cleromancy, or the casting of lots, to determine His will? Acts 1:26

If I had the stomach for it, I'd hike my wife's skirt and take a gander, see just what Jesus has in store for me next week...

Better to play it safe though, I would hate to run afoul of The Lord.
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Default Re: Tyromancy - 03-09-2015, 01:14 AM

Bathfire, Maybe you should convince her to change from tyromancy to oinomancy.
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Ezekiel Bathfire's Avatar
Ezekiel Bathfire Ezekiel Bathfire is offline
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One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Christian Love Real American™ Tithing Manager Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS True Scientist™ Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Senior Pastor Teabag Patriot TC Bravery Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Ex-Brit Eats the Most Pork True Republican Ex-eurotrash Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Kirk Cameron Fan Club Nuts for JESUS! Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Stamp of Approval Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Mower Donald Trump 2016! Anti-sodomy Pastor Ezekiel Aardvark Bathfire Crown of Life Alternative Facts Probing for Jesus 20,000 posts Saved 10 Years Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden

 
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Default Re: Tyromancy - 03-09-2015, 03:25 PM

Hmmm... I can't help but feel that all "-mancies" are prohibited.

1. God tells us His view of divination in Deuteronomy:18:10 (But this is only about telling fortunes and interpreting omens - we have Joseph who told about that dream in Gen:41, don't we, so a dream cannot be an omen or a fortune.)

2. Practicing divination is listed as one of the reasons for Israel’s exile (2Kings:17:17). (But Israel's exile is part of the Bible story and if that weren't there, then the Bible would be different and hence, wrong.)

3. Jeremiah:14:14 spoke of the false prophets of the time, saying, “They are prophesying to you a lying vision, worthless divination, and the deceit of their own minds.” So, compared to God’s truth, divination is false, deceitful, and worthless. (But this is not saying that all prophets are lying, false, deceitful, and worthless - look at Moses (well, apart from the bit where he wrote about his own death, which was obviously done by his secretary who was himself inspired.)

And then there is Luke with Paul and Silas in the city of Philippi, Acts:16:16 - 19 where Paul gets annoyed by some woman who "keeps on and on and on and on... and on..." (But she is telling the holy truth, so that can't be wrong, can it?)

I feel that Mrs Bathfire was trying to divine my whereabouts with cheese and you can tell that it is worthless, as it should have said straightaway that I was in the garage and walking into the kitchen - there was nothing hard in that.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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