Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow. |
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True Christian™ Televangelist Director of Fundraising and Tithing On the Look Out for Wife #6!
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,727
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, Iowa
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Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
09-30-2011, 08:11 AM
Even though I am a True Christian™ pastor here at Landover Baptist, I have had my share of sinful exploits in the past. And while I am not proud of the seedy times I've experienced, I'm not ashamed either about showing what an unGodly sinner I once was, and how my faith through Jesus Christ has delivered me to Salvation.
In the 1980's, I was at the "highest point" of my life while ironically being at my lowest. My syndicated televangelist program was broadcasted to over 200 million people in 30 countries. I even made the cover of Newsweek with fellow televangelists Rev. Jim Bakker and Rev. Jimmy Swaggart (before both of them fell). Even though God had blessed me with such success, I was a selfish fool and ran with it.
Hundreds of thousands of dollars of viewer donations went to support my voracious cocaine habit. I can't remember how many countless nights I had, once the TV tapings were done, being driven around in the back of my Lincoln Continental limo, snorting line after line of premium coke off of Jaclyn Smith and Cheryl Ladd clone hookers. Then, once high enough, I would tell my driver to drive to weird places, like Hawaii, or to the seventh transdimensional phase-moon of Mars (whatever that is, still don't know to this day). DRUGS SCREWED MY MIND UP! I once indulged a selfish fantasy by withdrawing from my bank literally thousands of twenty dollar bills, blanketing a 5 star hotel suite's bed with it, and lie in it with a couple of the finest whores money can buy. Literally, sleeping on a pile of cash with upscale call girls. Can you think of anything more depressing and horrible? I can't!
The cocaine affected my thinking. I would make crazy cocaine decisions. Like the time I told my pilot in my private Learjet to fly specifically low over Area 51 in Nevada, because "I knew what THEY were up to and THEY were out to get me." Cocaine's no fun when you have F-16s flying escort with Sidewinder missiles ready to blow you out of the sky if you make one wrong move. Seriously messed up crap then.
I also remember hanging out on a yacht with a certain celebrity whom I won't mention (his name rhymes with Pritchard Ryor) on a yacht in the Carribean. Well, Pritchard had about a hundred kilos on board his boat, and some bad people got wind of it and decided to raid us when we were 40 miles off the coast of the Florida Keys. A couple of people got gunned down, but the Lord Jesus saved my life that day to teach me a lesson. Even if I didn't learn. Again....cocaine is a HELL of a drug.
Eventually, coke destroyed my life. I felt unstoppable, on top of the world, an indestructible juggernaught of celebrity TV nature. I resorted to embezzlement and fraud to maintain my highly consumptive lifestyle. Cocaine also introduced me to Satan who introduced me to Thai transsexual hookers who introduced me to many "vacations" to resorts, which introduced me to a media expose which showed the world what a corrupt fraud I was.
I spent the next 8 years in prison, away from coke, and that is when I reconciled with God. I made a promise that I would never stray from Him. God works in mysterious ways, and in my case, it was giving me coke-fueled orgies to show me what is really important is quiet nights reading the Bible, traditional family values, persecuting creatures like homosexuals and non-Christians, using politics to expand my religious agenda, removing secular science from public schools, burning books, boycotting scandalous movies, donating to Republican politicians, and other wonderful things. I thank you Jesus for leading me off of coke and getting my mind sober.
I want my sad tale to be a testimony that life can get better, if only you open yourself up to receiving Jesus Christ as your savior. The only drug fix I need now is the Bible....and I want it bad.
Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.
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The Friendliest Clown in Town™ Proud recovering ex-alcoholic, ex-addict, and ex-convict
True Christian™
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Posts: 197
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Wherever the Lord takes me
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
09-30-2011, 08:24 AM
praise JESUS that you are the angel of a man then the demon of a man before. i can relate to u good reverand. in my case though it was METH. God, i went thru severel years of nonstop meth abuse before I was saved.
I remember one time being broke and on a three day high, i went to a 7-11 and tried to pay for like $200 worth of stuff...porn magazines, hot dogs, booze, chips, donuts, prepaid phone cards...with MONOPOLY money. Yea i was desperate.
then one time my friend and i got real high and he said he killed a hobo who buried some pirate treasure. Thing is it was buried underneath the streets of Youngstown, Ohio (where i was living at the time)....so we got shovels and started to try and dig up pavement, but no use. SO we broke into an industrial shop and stole some jackhammers....cops caught us jackhammering in the street.....I offered to split the treasure if they let us go but they were assholes.
Im just so glad im sane and normal now because of Jesus CHrist then when i was when i was on the dope. Im a testiment to how much better GOD can make u when you leave the drug lifestyle.
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As pure and virginal as the driven snow.
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,883
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-03-2011, 03:40 PM
My father says I am always high on Jesus!
Romans 10:10 "For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."
I Jesus!
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,179
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MIA
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-03-2011, 04:11 PM
Rev. Osborne to me you’re a modern-day Christian martyr, being tempted and tricked into misconduct, being prosecuted by secular “judiciary” (don’t get me started about those corrupted crocks) on the base of false allegations or an irrelevant transgressions, being defamated and character assassinated… only because your True Christian™ faith!
To me you’re a my personal hero on pair only with Kent Hovind, Ted Haggard, Jim Bakker, Jim Swaggart and others who were falsely prosecuted and/or viciously defamated for the same reason.
May the Lord bless you, Rev. Osborne.
YiC, DUH
Ask not what your Lord can do for you. Ask what you can do for your Lord.
... your choice entirely (Matthew 12:30)
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,742
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-03-2011, 06:12 PM
Dear Reverend! I'm wiping tears from my eyes as I read your testimony! Praise Jesus on High! See, before I was delivered from the bowels of the papist cult, these stories would have been told to try and suggest folly into the idea of salvation and being a new creation in Christ but you are living proof that God does NOT abandon us! No sir! You were not deterred to preach God's Holy Word even as your flesh was crying out for help. You were no hypocrite! You were the prodigal son and God had a plan for you all this time! I so love to hear this kind of testimony because I just praise God more and more when I think that I too no longer live in sin but live in righteousness!
How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein? (Romans 6:2)
Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord. (Romans 6:11)
Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God. (1 John 3:9)
\o/
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,647
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: South Yorkshire, hotbed of sin
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-03-2011, 11:02 PM
Praise the Lord for His loving compassion and infinite grace! Why, if Christ had never come into my life, I'd probably still be on the cider and the lager and the rum and the gin and the marijuana and the 2-CB and the methylone and various other obscure chemicals that I won't go into here, accepting amyl nitrate from strange men in pubs and spending my nights fooling around on mucky floors with women who look like men and men who look like women to a soundtrack of nostalgic 90s Britpop hits. Thank you, Jesus, for delivering me from that life of sin!
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Christ's Love Messenger
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Posts: 5,978
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: A road of rocks and glass
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-04-2011, 02:00 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance
Praise the Lord for His loving compassion and infinite grace! Why, if Christ had never come into my life, I'd probably still be on the cider and the lager and the rum and the gin and the marijuana and the 2-CB and the methylone and various other obscure chemicals that I won't go into here, accepting amyl nitrate from strange men in pubs and spending my nights fooling around on mucky floors with women who look like men and men who look like women to a soundtrack of nostalgic 90s Britpop hits. Thank you, Jesus, for delivering me from that life of sin!
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You're screwed Temp. Do you have the scripture that forgives 2-CB?
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Ex-hero, almost honorably discharged
True Christian™
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Posts: 717
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Somebody's couch
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-06-2011, 03:58 AM
It's a well-known fact that when someone shows true Christianity at it's purest, Satan takes it as a direct challenge. By being better Christians, we slap Satan in the face, we fire a shot over his bow, we send a declaration of war straight to him, written in the blood of his abassadors - no, written in the blood of the babies of his abassadors. Long story short, Satan pulls out of the stops to tempt us with every sin.
People wonder why there are so many Christian hypocrites. The true wonder is that there are so few, when you consider that Satan puts all of his energy into corrupting us.
Every day I`m tempted, and almost every day I keep slapping Satan in the face.
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Honorary True Christian™
Forum Member
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Posts: 353
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Waiting for Jesus
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-06-2011, 05:53 PM
Luckily I've never experienced the evil that is cocaine. In my youth the farthest I had gone was a hit of the devils weed. The smoke took the form of an evil demon and viciously attacked my lungs. I blacked out and woke up in a field without a shred of clothing.
Let's just say I learned my lesson right then and there. I've been repenting the rest of my life.
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
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Posts: 18,554
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-06-2011, 08:51 PM
Satan created drugs to get us to lower our guard against Tranny hookers. All Satan wants us to do is wonder why we are kneeling in some bar bathroom stall with some she-males tallywacker in our mouths. None of us WANTS to end of the sex slave of some Tranny Dominatrix by that's Satan's plan for you and only Christ can stop him.
PRAISE JESUS I found Him.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
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Mammy
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Posts: 961
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: floriduh
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-13-2011, 12:33 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe
Satan created drugs to get us to lower our guard against Tranny hookers. All Satan wants us to do is wonder why we are kneeling in some bar bathroom stall with some she-males tallywacker in our mouths. None of us WANTS to end of the sex slave of some Tranny Dominatrix by that's Satan's plan for you and only Christ can stop him.
PRAISE JESUS I found Him.
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I think I be understandin all this stuff but what bout the Vicodin fo my back, my Ambien fo sleepin and the Adderall that keeps Miz Vavs mind sharp as a tack? Whats the Lawd think bout that?
Everybodys Blested Ole Mammy
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Master of Biblical Study and Ancient Languages With Jesus now.
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,474
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Miniscule Ohio town about which nobody heard
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-14-2011, 03:42 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vavoline Johnson
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe
Satan created drugs to get us to lower our guard against Tranny hookers. All Satan wants us to do is wonder why we are kneeling in some bar bathroom stall with some she-males tallywacker in our mouths. None of us WANTS to end of the sex slave of some Tranny Dominatrix by that's Satan's plan for you and only Christ can stop him.
PRAISE JESUS I found Him.
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I think I be understandin all this stuff but what bout the Vicodin fo my back, my Ambien fo sleepin and the Adderall that keeps Miz Vavs mind sharp as a tack? Whats the Lawd think bout that?
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I'm not an authority on the subject but I believe that if a True Christian™ pastor or minister prescribed those for you, you are home free. But I am only a Bible Student ergo I may not be the best source of information.
YiJC, BS
II Peter 1:4 -- Whereby are giuen vnto vs exceeding great and precious promises, that by these you might bee partakers of thy diuine nature, hauing escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
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Mammy
Forum Member
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Posts: 961
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: floriduh
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-14-2011, 08:25 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bible Student
I'm not an authority on the subject but I believe that if a True Christian™ pastor or minister prescribed those for you, you are home free. But I am only a Bible Student ergo I may not be the best source of information.
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Thankee Mr Alfalfa..hey where Buckwheat at?
Everybodys Blested Ole Mammy
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Master of Biblical Study and Ancient Languages With Jesus now.
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,474
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Miniscule Ohio town about which nobody heard
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Re: Cocaine: It's a HELL of a Drug! -
10-15-2011, 04:08 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vavoline Johnson
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bible Student
I'm not an authority on the subject but I believe that if a True Christian™ pastor or minister prescribed those for you, you are home free. But I am only a Bible Student ergo I may not be the best source of information.
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Thankee Mr Alfalfa..hey where Buckwheat at?
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Miz Vavoline, to which Buckwheat do you refer? Don't tell anyone but the very first Buckwheat was a little girl. Later a boy was allowed into Our Gang. But that was ages and ages ago before I became a Bible Student.
ps I'm not really Alfalfa. We just look alike.
YiJC, BS
II Peter 1:4 -- Whereby are giuen vnto vs exceeding great and precious promises, that by these you might bee partakers of thy diuine nature, hauing escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
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