MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES! Who knows? The love of your life might be here! All the single men are GODLY and all the single ladies are virgins...........for the most part. |
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 1,716
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: In the midst of His Will®
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Stern Master Seeks Humble Church Mouse -
09-18-2006, 01:44 AM
My...former...wife continually defied my authority in the worst possible ways, so I sent her away to live with Jesus (don't ask for details, they won't be forthcoming). If her name isn't written in the Book of Life, then oh well, I guess Satan can have his fun with her in hell.
Looking for humble, submissive type with child bearing hips and young enough to bear me many fine Christian sons for years to come. Must be an excellent cook, dish washer, toilet cleaner and be adept at various other menial house chores. Must be willing to submit to righteous seeding with little or no notice. Also, she must have no operating knowledge of any worldly devices which might allow her to escape...such as telephones , automobiles and door locks. She must also be so in tune with my needs that she'll fetch me a beer without me even having to ask, thereby sparing herself a righteous thrashing. Must be of pure descent, and easy on the eyes. Knowledge of cross-stitching a must.
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True Christian™ Theologian
Forum Member
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Posts: 3,979
Join Date: Sep 2006
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09-18-2006, 11:31 PM
Would you be willing to buy her (although with you being a fellow True Christian™, I would be willing to give you one at no charge) and if indeed you are willing to do so, is it a problem if she can't speak or write American?
I'm sure she can be taught simple commands, and it would lessen the chance of her escaping your loving care, would it not?
If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 521
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Somewhere in Miami Beach....
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09-18-2006, 11:54 PM
I'd love to apply for the position, but I doubt I'd be picked cuz I'm Wiccan. Besides, I was married once and although the "seeding" and everything else was great...I couldn't stand stand being alone day after day while he was out on missions for God. I got so lonely I hired V and Lar baby as my gardeners. They were great company while the husband was out Saving ® Souls.
What about hiring me for maintaing the house Mr. Hammer. I'm a great cook and love cleaning (especially bathrooms for some reason). I have nothing better to do with my day, so I'll be happy to lend a helping hand. Moon's pretty submissive when dealing with True Christian® men (Pa'daddy beat that into me), so I'm sure you'll be happy with my work.
Moon
You pray...I dance naked in the forest
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LBU Professor and Biblical Wordsmith Extraordinaire President of the Ex-Negro Academy Alumni Association Freehold Best Tan Award winner, 10 yrs running
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,048
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Chateau Lebeau (Freehold, Iowa)
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09-19-2006, 05:25 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower
I'd love to apply for the position, but I doubt I'd be picked cuz I'm Wiccan. Besides, I was married once and although the "seeding" and everything else was great...I couldn't stand stand being alone day after day while he was out on missions for God. I got so lonely I hired V and Lar baby as my gardeners. They were great company while the husband was out Saving ® Souls.
What about hiring me for maintaing the house Mr. Hammer. I'm a great cook and love cleaning (especially bathrooms for some reason). I have nothing better to do with my day, so I'll be happy to lend a helping hand. Moon's pretty submissive when dealing with True Christian® men (Pa'daddy beat that into me), so I'm sure you'll be happy with my work.
Moon
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I don't think Brother Witch Hammer is looking to invest in used goods. Least of which, goods which have been partially spoiled by a he-goat during some pagan solstice. Aren't you that little hussy that Pastor Al adopted in hopes of converting you to Christ? You sure are lucky. Not many 19 year olds get adopted. Aren't you always running around the inside of the gate perimeter with those tight spandex short shorts and tank tops? Or do I have you confused?
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 521
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Somewhere in Miami Beach....
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09-19-2006, 02:50 PM
Yea, you have me somewhat confused. I do NOT wear spandex or tank tops, I wear sun dresses. I usually frolick...not run. And I'm 25, not 19. But yes, Al did adopt me and I AM very lucky.
And at no time did I offer Mr. Hammer any of my so-called "used goods". I'm merely offering to help him around the house. God only knows what my Pa'daddy would do to me if I have intercouse while unwed...again.
Moon
You pray...I dance naked in the forest
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True Christian™ Theologian
Forum Member
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Posts: 3,979
Join Date: Sep 2006
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09-19-2006, 03:07 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower
Yea, you have me somewhat confused. I do NOT wear spandex or tank tops, I wear sun dresses. I usually frolick...not run. And I'm 25, not 19. But yes, Al did adopt me and I AM very lucky.
And at no time did I offer Mr. Hammer any of my so-called "used goods". I'm merely offering to help him around the house. God only knows what my Pa'daddy would do to me if I have intercouse while unwed...again.
Moon
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I doubt he would like to hire you as an over-paid servant when he can get one almost free. Servants don't get paid in wages, they get a room in the basement and a little food so they survive, that's it.
Stop mocking his Godly efforts to find a wife, Lord knows it's very hard to find a True Christian™ wife in this secular world. I am myself, also searching for one, so I should know.
If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 521
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Somewhere in Miami Beach....
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09-19-2006, 03:14 PM
Ok fine. I'm sure Lar baby will hire me to do some house work. I'd go work for V, but he owns a whip and likes to use it.
Moon
You pray...I dance naked in the forest
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,555
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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09-19-2006, 06:28 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower
Ok fine. I'm sure Lar baby will hire me to do some house work. I'd go work for V, but he owns a whip and likes to use it.
Moon
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It would certainly make my life easier than you scaring the willies out of the good folks at Apostle's Grove when you ask them for stuff for that woodland retreat of your's. Mrs. Maple called security last night fifty times claiming the "Church of Satan is outside for her virtue" just because you knocked on her door last evening. I am going to have to send poor Security Officer Otis to the pastors for counseling since he is so shook up from listing to Maple go on for two about two hours about the “gang molestering” she was about to get from demons in the shape of Negros . That and that standard nightly calls from old Mrs. Porter about demons dancing in her backyard were you buried some dead possum lead to quite a night.
(Sigh) at lest it wasn’t like that night were Samuel Morrison shot up his Mexican servants because he though Moonflower asking his cook for a stick of butter was the signal for servants to rise up and kill Morrison’s family in their sleep.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
Hot Must ReadThreads!
Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member
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Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
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09-19-2006, 10:56 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe
It would certainly make my life easier than you scaring the willies out of the good folks at Apostle's Grove when you ask them for stuff for that woodland retreat of your's. Mrs. Maple called security last night fifty times claiming the "Church of Satan is outside for her virtue" just because you knocked on her door last evening. I am going to have to send poor Security Officer Otis to the pastors for counseling since he is so shook up from listing to Maple go on for two about two hours about the “gang molestering” she was about to get from demons in the shape of Negros . That and that standard nightly calls from old Mrs. Porter about demons dancing in her backyard were you buried some dead possum lead to quite a night.
(Sigh) at lest it wasn’t like that night were Samuel Morrison shot up his Mexican servants because he though Moonflower asking his cook for a stick of butter was the signal for servants to rise up and kill Morrison’s family in their sleep.
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I dare you to make less sense, BJ. old
I'm pretty sure it's just because of the spelling and grammatical errors in this post but the end result....argh!
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,555
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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09-19-2006, 11:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
I dare you to make less sense, BJ. old
I'm pretty sure it's just because of the spelling and grammatical errors in this post but the end result....argh!
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I dare you to do better with two hours of sleep after spending the night dealing with a bunch of terrified old ladies.
Oh how it went
Caller at 9:45pm "Come quick, Satan is about to tie me up and make me watch while he rapes my daughters"
It was Moonflower out collecting mushrooms.
Caller at 10:30pm "Send help, there is a she demon with an enormous artificial tallywacker who is going to make a thespian!"
It was Moonflower with her broom
Caller at 11:10 “Help me, for the love of Christ! A witch is sending a bear to break into my house to suck my soul out of my body!”
It was Moonflower petting a raccoon. We shot the raccoon.
And so on,
It went like that all the whole night.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
Hot Must ReadThreads!
Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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LBU Professor and Biblical Wordsmith Extraordinaire President of the Ex-Negro Academy Alumni Association Freehold Best Tan Award winner, 10 yrs running
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,048
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Chateau Lebeau (Freehold, Iowa)
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09-20-2006, 01:10 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower
Yea, you have me somewhat confused. I do NOT wear spandex or tank tops, I wear sun dresses. I usually frolick...not run. And I'm 25, not 19. But yes, Al did adopt me and I AM very lucky.
And at no time did I offer Mr. Hammer any of my so-called "used goods". I'm merely offering to help him around the house. God only knows what my Pa'daddy would do to me if I have intercouse while unwed...again.
Moon
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Oh... Oh oh ohhhhhhh!!! You didn't tell Pastor Al who the guy was did you? You just keep that to yourself, OK.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 521
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Somewhere in Miami Beach....
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09-21-2006, 04:15 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe
It would certainly make my life easier than you scaring the willies out of the good folks at Apostle's Grove when you ask them for stuff for that woodland retreat of your's. Mrs. Maple called security last night fifty times claiming the "Church of Satan is outside for her virtue" just because you knocked on her door last evening. I am going to have to send poor Security Officer Otis to the pastors for counseling since he is so shook up from listing to Maple go on for two about two hours about the “gang molestering” she was about to get from demons in the shape of Negros . That and that standard nightly calls from old Mrs. Porter about demons dancing in her backyard were you buried some dead possum lead to quite a night.
(Sigh) at lest it wasn’t like that night were Samuel Morrison shot up his Mexican servants because he though Moonflower asking his cook for a stick of butter was the signal for servants to rise up and kill Morrison’s family in their sleep.
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Oh yes I remember! I dunno why everyone is so scared of me. You know I'm harmless BJ and no matter how many times any of you tell these people, they always freak out when they see me. You never get scared when I go over to your house and ask for some sugar. Why is it that no one could just accept that I mean no one any harm? I don't even dress like a goth! Besides, if I ever did do anything wrong, I'd have my Pa'Daddy to worry about and you know he scares me.
Would you consider hiring me to do household chores? I know you loved the apple pie I made for you the other day, so you know I can cook. So what do you say? Would you hire me, BJ??
Moon
PS - Remy, of course I told Pa'Daddy! He married us! It was such a beautiful wedding...too bad it didn't last. Maybe next time...
You pray...I dance naked in the forest
Last edited by MoonFlower; 09-21-2006 at 04:20 PM.
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Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
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Posts: 14
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Somewhere in the mountains outside of Lynchburg, Virginia
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09-22-2006, 09:42 PM
I highly reccommend this Good Christian's approach. Nothing but sensible and perfectly in line with God's Plan™.
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,555
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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09-22-2006, 09:49 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower
Would you consider hiring me to do household chores? I know you loved the apple pie I made for you the other day, so you know I can cook. So what do you say? Would you hire me, BJ??
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I guess so Moonflower, my previous cook has been burning the toast more and more so I guess it time to let her go. But go easy on the pie. MKL keep on complaining to us about you pestering him to always eat your pie and my doctor wants me to lose weight.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
Hot Must ReadThreads!
Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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Christ's Cōnsiliārius
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Posts: 9,311
Join Date: Sep 2006
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09-22-2006, 09:50 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Smitty McGee
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I never did quite understand what all the commotion was about. His wife=his property.
Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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09-23-2006, 11:43 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle
I never did quite understand what all the commotion was about. His wife=his property.
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I don't get that concept either. I recall THIS case in the communist "state" of Oregon, where a man was actually imprisoned for "going unto" his wife.
Quote:
The wife Greta, 23, was a troubled woman. Her peccadilloes, admitted before trial, included extramarital affairs, two abortions (one for a child not her husband's), and a lesbian relationship (the last she later denied). She enjoys the publicity that has accompanied the prosecution of her husband, said Burt; according to witnesses, she announced that she is going to "be rich and famous" after signing a movie contract to tell her story. Before the trial Burt protested: "There are enough problems with the marital relationship without allowing one spouse to charge the other with a 20-year felony." Husband John, he later told the jury, "honestly believed that if you are married to a woman you have a right to sex."
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What amazes me is that she wasn't prosecuted for murdering those babies and wanton lezbeanism.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Senior Pastor Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™ Always Biblically correct
True Christian™
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Posts: 10,667
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 13706 Levite's Sojourn Terr., Gibeah Hill, Freehold, Iowa
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09-23-2006, 03:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
What amazes me is that she wasn't prosecuted for murdering those babies and wanton lezbeanism.
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For that, we can thank the unelected liberal activist justices, with their inverted moral values. It's a "constitutional right" to murder your precious unborn babies and commit lezbanianism, but you can be locked up for exercising what the Bible plainly says is your right to marital relations.
This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.
Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 521
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Somewhere in Miami Beach....
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Re: Stern Master Seeks Humble Church Mouse -
09-25-2006, 08:22 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe
I guess so Moonflower, my previous cook has been burning the toast more and more so I guess it time to let her go. But go easy on the pie. MKL keep on complaining to us about you pestering him to always eat your pie and my doctor wants me to lose weight.
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YAY!
*hugs BJ*
Don't worry about losing weight BJ, Moon can cook you up yummy food that's not fattening at all. I have to be able to keep my youthful figure as well (if not, I won't get a husband), so all my cooking is healthy (but very yummy).
So when do I start??
Very anxious to work,
Moon
You pray...I dance naked in the forest
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Landover Security Superviser Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,555
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
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Re: Stern Master Seeks Humble Church Mouse -
09-25-2006, 08:34 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonFlower
YAY!
*hugs BJ*
Don't worry about losing weight BJ, Moon can cook you up yummy food that's not fattening at all. I have to be able to keep my youthful figure as well (if not, I won't get a husband), so all my cooking is healthy (but very yummy).
So when do I start??
Very anxious to work,
Moon
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When you're ready. I'll call the Homeland Security and have Juanita arrested for accepting phone calls from the middle east. Staff turn overs are so much easier now.
Now mind you when you cook none of this "diet" nonsense. It is well known that Al Quida sticks chemicals into the diet stuff to render Christian men impotent. Like I said my animal worshiping Raghead doctor wants me to get my blood pressure down so I have to be careful about my diet.
Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.
Hot Must ReadThreads!
Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 521
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Somewhere in Miami Beach....
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Re: Stern Master Seeks Humble Church Mouse -
09-25-2006, 08:40 PM
DIET?! Who said anything about a DIET?! No BJ, Mood does not believe in diets, therefore you don't have to worry about any "sugar free" cookies or whatnot. So shall I come over tonight and get started with a yummy lamb dinner, dessert included??? Gosh I LOVE cooking and cleaning! You'll be so happy with me BJ, I just know it!
Moon
PS - One question, is this a live-in position or do I return to my tree after dinner??
You pray...I dance naked in the forest
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