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Reload this Page The story of Jesus' ascension told by cats.
Easter is About Jesus - Period! A seasonal forum where we celebrate the true meaning of Easter. No bunnies allowed!

 
 
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Default The story of Jesus' ascension told by cats. - 10-10-2015, 05:14 AM


I know we have been promising cat pictures for some time. I have heard your heartfelt cry to not make all dreary and dusty apologetics. And to not always harp on the things God hates. I get it. I hear you.

As mostly hell bound heathens who haven't read the Bible, I have a duty to teach you what's in it. So I have arrived at a compromise I think we will find mutually agreeable.

I will have cats teach you stories from the Bible.

Part one: The Ascension of Jesus:

Not a well know fact, Acts 1 is a continuation of Luke 24. Luke 24 ends with the now resurrected Jesus appearing in front of His apostles. Twice He appears and disappears.

Luke 24:15-16, And it came to pass, that, while they communed together and reasoned, Jesus himself drew near, and went with them.
16 But their eyes were holden that they should not know him.

In disguize. I coem liek a theifs in nite.

After that Jesus went and talked with them for hours and ate with them and then suddenly:


Luke 24:31 And their eyes were opened, and they knew him; and he vanished out of their sight.

Behold guize! It's me! Gotta run bai.

And then Jesus returns to the apostles. They were afraid at first that they had seen a ghost.


Luke 24:37 But they were terrified and affrighted, and supposed that they had seen a spirit.



But Jesus was there to calm them down. To prove He was flesh and bone, he told His friends how hungry He was.

41 And while they yet believed not for joy, and wondered, he said unto them, Have ye here any meat?



42 And they gave him a piece of a broiled fish, and of an honeycomb. 43 And he took it, and did eat before them.


Don't feed cats salmon.

After Jesus ate to prove He wasn't a spirit or ghost, He tells the Apostles to go to the temple of Jerusalem where they will be given new super powers.

Luke 24:49 And, behold, I send the promise of my Father upon you: but tarry ye in the city of Jerusalem, until ye be endued with power from on high.

After that, He ascends or floats to heaven instead of just disappearing like He did the last time.



Luke 24:49-51 And it came to pass, while he blessed them, he was parted from them, and carried up into heaven.




Thus ending Luke. Then there's John between Luke and Acts, but we are going to skip over to Acts 1.

After Jesus went to Heaven, He comes back yet again as a spirit form and preaches to the Apostles for 40 days. He again promises to send them a super power because the Holy Spirit is coming.


This is one of the things that gets confusing for the unsaved mind. They may wonder things like, "Why did Jesus need to ascend to heaven in the first place? Why didn't He just stay there as flesh and bone. He could have gone and mooned Pilate just prior to going up. But instead Jesus left and came back as a spirit and promises the Holy Spirit will come... Who is the same as Him and God. And why were they scared of Jesus being a ghost last time, but not this time?"
To them I say, You just need to have faith. Stop thinking and let God think for you. (Jeremiah 17:7-10)


Acts 1:4-9 And, being assembled together with them, commanded them that they should not depart from Jerusalem, but wait for the promise of the Father, which, saith he, ye have heard of me.
5 For John truly baptized with water; but ye shall be baptized with the Holy Ghost not many days hence.
6 When they therefore were come together, they asked of him, saying, Lord, wilt thou at this time restore again the kingdom to Israel?
7 And he said unto them, It is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power.
8 But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.
9 And when he had spoken these things, while they beheld, he was taken up; and a cloud received him out of their sight.

Bai again fer real this tiem.

All of these great miracles are occurring everywhere in the Temple, the resurrected Son of Man in the center of town and religious life for the Jewish people. This is during the height of the Roman Empire. There are histories and fragments of histories from this time. Surely one of them must mention this? Of course there is! It's called the Book of Luke/ Acts of the Apostles. It is the reliable history source for this great miracle.


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



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Default Re: The story of Jesus' ascension told by cats. - 10-10-2015, 07:34 AM

Beautiful and sublime. This should be shown to every child in America.


Psalm 137:9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
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Default Re: The story of Jesus' ascension told by cats. - 10-10-2015, 08:43 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Des View Post
This should be shown to every child in America.
Yes, this lesson, like so many other things, should be shown to every child in America!


Slathered in the Fresh Hot Blood of the Infant Christ,
-Youth Minister Harry Lester
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Jesus Re: The story of Jesus' ascension told by cats. - 10-10-2015, 08:49 AM

I find it sad that even cats can have a better understanding of the True™ and Wonderful Nature of Jesus than heathen atheist scientists and repulsive sodomites. I hope (but doubt) the next generation will receive inspiration from this beautiful tale and discard the lower colonic pleasures for the Love of Christ! I am also hoping that the Powerful Prophecies of God come True™ and the remaining young 'uns before Rapture turn to this cat-tale instead of evil secular humanism. Otherwise, their future will be bleak.

Hosea 9:14
Give them, O LORD: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts.



Yours in Christ,

Elmer


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Default Re: The story of Jesus' ascension told by cats. - 10-10-2015, 08:50 AM

I often feel quite close to God when I look at my wifes Pussy. I just gaze at it in awe and think, Jesus. I fondly call it my Hairy little button.


Ecclesiastes 1:18 - For in much wisedome is much griefe: and hee that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow.


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Default Re: The story of Jesus' ascension told by cats. - 10-11-2015, 05:21 AM

Dad says Chinks an Switzlanders eat cats, but the Switzlanders cook theres better.
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Default Re: The story of Jesus' ascension told by cats. Purrfect! - 10-12-2015, 09:51 PM

Thank you, Brother Levi, for sharing the Good Mews.


Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. - Psalm 46:10
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Default Re: The story of Jesus' ascension told by cats. - 04-09-2017, 04:50 AM

I moved this to the Easter Forum, to celebrate our Savior's resurrection and ascension to heaven.


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



 

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