Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow. |
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 991
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: 1380 Apostle's Park Ct, Freehold
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An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-20-2014, 07:20 PM
Kirk,
Greetings in Jesus' Name. There is no doubt in my mind that you are aware of the faithful and undying devotion that the people of Landover Baptist Church have to your work. We have loved you since your television days and are mesmerized by each role you portray in the motion picture industry. We cried with you over Bill Cosby. We celebrated with you when you stood out for Christ regarding whatever it was that you stood out for Christ. At least I think you did.
But anyway, we must now turn to you, Kirk, to use your star power to find one of your own. Yes, our Beloved Sister Cookie, former dim star of stage and screen for a brief period in the 30's or so, has vanished. We know the rapture hasn't taken place because the rest of Landover is still here and if anyone is going to get caught up in the rapture, it will be LBC True Christians™. So Kirk - what's it going to be? Will you rush to our aid?
Will you come against all that is evil and assist our dear, kind Cookie? We need drones. We need the Tribulation Force, frankly - as you so brilliantly portrayed on the silver screen - to weed out the forces of evil (Pacifica might be a good place to start) and bring our darling has-been washed up actress with a major drug and alcohol issue back the the arms of Jesus as the prodigal son did in the days when those things happened according to the Bible. And if the BIBLE says it, I BELIEVE IT, and THAT SETTLES IT. Glory.
Kirk, I promise you a lifetime supply of my pie in return, and I am certain that the rest of our congregation, particularly the titanium tithers, are willing to offer a generous reward of at least $100. Do it quickly and we might even go as far as $125, but we will expect you to tithe the majority back to the Church. May God guide your hands and your eyes as you accept this most holy and perhaps most dangerous of challenges.
You may contact me personally if you wish. My TC passcode for the Freehold gates is on its way to your management team for your eyes only. Oh - and please plan on visiting Sister Mary Etheldreda during your visit. If you choose only to visit Sister Mary and I instead of this whole Cookie business, that's fine too. I will give you the hundred bucks anyway.
Your Sister in Jesus,
NRL
1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers." Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
Locations in 50 States and Canada
!Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-20-2014, 08:41 PM
What a touching, and heart-felt letter, dear Sister in Christ! I pray our dear Brother in Christ, fellow Persecution Survivor Kirk Cameron reads this and is led by the same Holy Ghost who inspired your pen, to come and visit our humble city. I will only add that while I always have moist pie at the ready for visitors, I will put extra sweetness in the next ones I make in preparation for his visit. As it is the fervent and faithful prayer of devoted True Christians™, the Lord Christ Jesus cannot but help to listen and incline His Divine Ear towards our plea.
Dearest and Merciful Jesus, we just come to you on our knees for the intention of our Brother in Christ, Kirk Cameron. We just plea the Blood of Jesus over him to keep him safe and in good spirits until he can come to us and join our humble, human family. We just rest under the mantle of Your protection, Jesus, and we just put our trust in You, that You would hear our petition and grant our desires, as we desire Your Will and Your Will alone. We just come to you in humble supplication, offering our gratitude and loyalty and love for our needs. We just pledge our devotion to You once again, on knees, and even prostrate on the ground in front of You. We just know that You whose Ears are tuned into love and loyalty will hear our cries. We just request the Holy Ghost would inspire and protect Kirk Cameron from Satan's henchmen that would thwart his presence from our homes. We just thank you, Jesus. We just thank you from the bottom of our hearts. And we just want to let you know that it's okay if he comes alone, his wife should stay home with her children, that's her place, so he can come by himself and we would support that. For his sake of course. And we pray for Cookie, too.
Amen
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-21-2014, 03:47 AM
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 991
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: 1380 Apostle's Park Ct, Freehold
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-21-2014, 04:42 PM
Ladies,
When and if Mr. Cameron comes to Freehold, it is only fitting that my Apostle's Park area home would be his temporary residence, don't you think? Father could stay over to chaperone and there might be a few moments that anyone that wanted to spend some time with him could attempt to do so. I am sure Ezekiel will need some pastoral time with him.
There just wouldn't be room for his wife - I have to agree with Sister Mary on that. Why was it that I invited him again? We'd have to work on that, too - whatever it was.
Darling Daisy, my sweet sister in Christ, what a lovely, welcoming post. I hope those "butt kissers" to whom you refer will immediately stop such activities. I may stop by to see just who you were referring to if you aren't busy today. Sister Mary, would you want to come along?
Lovingly,
NRL
1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers." Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
Locations in 50 States and Canada
!Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-21-2014, 08:10 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb
Darling Daisy, my sweet sister in Christ, what a lovely, welcoming post. I hope those "butt kissers" to whom you refer will immediately stop such activities. I may stop by to see just who you were referring to if you aren't busy today. Sister Mary, would you want to come along?
Lovingly,
NRL
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I'd like that very much, dear. Please call me on my cell when you're ready to go. I'll drop everything. I'm ever so curious myself.
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,290
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: In Jesus' lap
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-21-2014, 09:33 PM
Shouldn't this be in the Menstra Hut section of the forum (or whatever the ladies' section is called). All these women drooling over some character that we blokes have never heard of?
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,473
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Apostles Grove, Freehold, IA
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-21-2014, 09:42 PM
I'm not sure I like how much you two ladies are schmoozing up to Brother Cameron. It's very unlady like. I'm telling you this as a concerned Christian sister.
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-21-2014, 09:44 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Farmer
Shouldn't this be in the Menstra Hut section of the forum (or whatever the ladies' section is called). All these women drooling over some character that we blokes have never heard of?
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Hollywood's most Godly Disciple, Kirk Cameron, has the courage and fortitude to say what most people will only think to themselves, namely, telling Homosexuals that they are disgusting, vile creatures, offensive to God and Man, and that their lifestyle is " detrimental, and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization." For this people accuse him of spreading hate, but he's the first to point out it is a message of love. And for this, he is persecuted. Surely he will help us find Sister Cookie, who has been missing in action lo these many months. But you needn't bother when he comes to town. Naomi and I can take care of his needs while here.
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-21-2014, 09:48 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson
I'm not sure I like how much you two ladies are schmoozing up to Brother Cameron. It's very unlady like. I'm telling you this as a concerned Christian sister.
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Hospitality is hardly "shmoozing," dear sister. Don't worry about not having the time yourself to welcome him to town. I'm sure you're busy planning your wedding. Still.
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,290
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: In Jesus' lap
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-21-2014, 10:32 PM
Hellywood you say?
It wouldn't be very difficult to be "Hellywood's most Godly Disciple". He would be the only Godly disciple in Hellywood!
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-21-2014, 10:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Farmer
Hellywood you say?
It wouldn't be very difficult to be "Hellywood's most Godly Disciple". He would be the only Godly disciple in Hellywood!
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I think Mr. Cameron and Mr. Comfort have been sent by God to turn Hollywood around. You can't argue with the facts, even in Hollywood.
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Obese Swedish Meatball Delusional Forum Member
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Posts: 2,207
Join Date: May 2014
Location: On a mountain with a tree and a midgit
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-22-2014, 08:00 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda
I think Mr. Cameron and Mr. Comfort have been sent by God to turn Hollywood around. You can't argue with the facts, even in Hollywood.
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Hello Mrs. Etheldreda,
The video you posted could not really interest me. The video suggestions after watching it were a bit more helpful. The videos from MrRepzion are at least mildly amusing and for those who are as illiterate as me on the subject, quite insightful. So thanks for posting the link!
Kind regards, Roland
Jeremiah 6:21 Therefore thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will lay stumblingblocks before this people, and the fathers and the sons together shall fall upon them; the neighbour and his friend shall perish.
Best wishes for the people in Ukraine.
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Forum Member
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Posts: 1,330
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: In the kitchen
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-23-2014, 10:24 PM
My dear Sisters in Christ -- I live near him, and if you like, I can entreat him to use his vast power given to him the Giver of All Power and Glory to find Mistress Cookie. Would you like me too? Naomi dear, if you want to send over some of your lovely pie, I'll take that, mine, and anyone else who wants to send down their pie. With all the pie and the prayers, he is bound to take action!
Yours in Christ,
Elizabeth
"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-24-2014, 04:19 AM
Yeah, um. No thank you, dear.
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 991
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: 1380 Apostle's Park Ct, Freehold
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-25-2014, 05:24 PM
Well, there is no reason to continue to discuss this subject - I mean, to think that Kirk would ever come to Freehold - it's just laughable! LOL
I need to get to the airport, so um, I guess we can just close this thread. I can't be late for uh, my friend.
1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers." Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
Locations in 50 States and Canada
!Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.
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The Truest Christian™
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Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-26-2014, 04:01 AM
You ladies of Landover are making a big mistake with all this unseemly fawning over Kirk Cameron. That boy has more skeletons in his closet than Hillary Clinton.
I would advise you girls to look closer to home. Your Pastor Ezekiel has more flat-out godly foxiness in his pinky than Kirk Cameron has in his entire body. And as I understand it, Pastor Flint is still single, ladies....Just sayin'.
Bless me.
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-26-2014, 06:39 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus
You ladies of Landover are making a big mistake with all this unseemly fawning over Kirk Cameron. That boy has more skeletons in his closet than Hillary Clinton.
I would advise you girls to look closer to home. Your Pastor Ezekiel has more flat-out godly foxiness in his pinky than Kirk Cameron has in his entire body. And as I understand it, Pastor Flint is still single, ladies....Just sayin'.
Bless me.
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Thank you for the rebuke from Your Most Holy Mouth. I am a married woman, but I will obey Your every command and advice, as I obey all of the Bible. May I soon meet You when You call us up to Heaven.
Your servant,
Elizabeth
"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,766
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, Redding, CA
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Re: An Open Letter to Kirk Cameron -
12-26-2014, 08:19 AM
If I still lived in Freehold, I would have offered to host Brother Kirk myself. He is a good Christian, but why lead him to temptation in the form of the excellent pies of the Ladies of Landover?
Draft Freehold, Iowa Mayor
Johny Joe Hold
for Vice President in 2024
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