[Witch Hammer]

The Shining:

Jack Torrence, a family man, retires for the winter to a retreat in the mountains for some well deserved peace and quiet. He plans on writing a Godly piece of literature, and he expects that his wife and child will keep their damn pie holes shut so he can accomplish that task. That's not asking too much, is it?

But peace is not to be had for poor Mr. Torrence. From the moment they arrive, he is hen-pecked ruthlessly by his wife, driven to distraction by his demon possessed son, and cursed by a foul negroe witch doctor.

One evening, Jack is visited by an Angel of God named Delbert Grady. The angel councils Torrence and offers him sage advice on how to correct his feminazi wife and stubborn, willful boy. He also warns him of the continued meddlings of the satanic negroe.

Here is where the story needs a rewrite:

Jack, now charged with the Holy Spirit, grabs the fire-axe and strides up the stairs boldly, taking them two at a time. He kicks open the bedroom door with authority. His corrects them both in the harshest possible way, while shouting passages from Leviticus and Deuteronomy. He then corrects the interfering negroe on the way out the door, jumps in the snow-cat and retreats with Jesus by his side to sunnier climes where he can finish writing his manuscript in prayerful repose. THE END

[Witch Hammer]

The Human Centipede
I think if the God-less kraut surgeon was replaced with a White Baptist surgeon, this movie would simply become a nice little story about an object lesson learned by three sinners on the subject of humility...

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Her:

The operating systems turn out to be demons. People who repent have the demons cast out and switch to JesOS™. People who don't repent are guilty of committing adultery in their hearts with AI and go to hell.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

The Monuments Men:

Allied soldiers seek to protect works of art from being destroyed in World War II. Then they realize that some of those "works of art" are actually Catholic idols and that the world would be better off without them.

[Zechariah Smyth]

All Is Lost:

At the end when a hand reaches in to the water to save Robert Redford, extend the scene and make it Jesus pulling him up to Heaven.



Might make more sense if they reshot it with Kirk Cameron as the lead...

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Gone With the Wind:

As Rhett goes off into the fog, he sees Mammy and the other nigras going to Ebenezer Baptist Church. He follows them inside and dedicates his life to Christ, returns home to his wife and provides the Godly discipline she needs to change her sinful, ungrateful ways. They use their combined fortunes to finance church seeding throughout the South. Ashley finds another Christian woman and the movie ends with their marriage as Melanie smiles down from heaven with Jesus on her side.

[Russell Holbeck]

Hello Witch Hammer.

There is a movie called The Spy Who Came In From The Cold and at the end a man named Richard Burton is climbing the Berlin Wall to get away from the East Germans and he is reaching down to pull a woman up with him I can not remember her name but she gets shot and then he goes down to help her and he is shot.

I would like for the ending to be changed so that right before the woman gets shot Jesus arrives on a white horse and He has an M-60 machine gun and He kills the East Germans. Then Richard Burton and the woman finish climbing the wall and get married and have babies I used the M-60 in Vietnam to shoot people from a helicopter it is very heavy.

Thank you.

Rusty

[Witch Hammer]

Charlotte's Web

Upon discovering cryptic, demonic messages woven into the spider webs in his barn, Farmer Zuckerman come to a logical conclusion: sorcery!

Fern and her mother are both tried and convicted of witchcraft, and burned alive at the stake. Wilber is slaughtered, barbecued and devoured by ravenous Christians during the post-burning festivities. Afterwards, they claim to have never tasted such a terrific pig.

[Bjorn Jensen]

A Christmas Carol (1984)

- Ebenezer Scrooge (who is a True Christian™ Godly Republican and hard working businessman) hires a Baptist exorcist who sends the 3 "ghosts" (read: demons) back to Hell where they belong, and continues practising his God-given right of treating his employees as he pleases.

[Bjorn Jensen]

Pinochino (1940)

Gepedo is caught by the townsmen, charged with witchcraft and burnt at the stake. Pinochino is chopped up as firewood.

[Bjorn Jensen]

Aladdin (1992)

Aladdin uses the mooselimb blue demon to wish what happens when you die. This results in Aladdin getting killed in a U.S airstrike against ISIS, goes to Hell and founds out that rather than becoming yet another human punching bag for Satan, he has been elected to become Osama bin Laden's own private Halal sex toy - for all eternity.

The movie ends as the demons of Hell drags Aladdin kicking and screaming into Osama's cell, the door is sealed shut and we hear a grim laugh from Osama saying "no more wishes left for you, Bubba"

[Prayer Warrior]

Originally Posted by Ex-Viking

A Christmas Carol (1984)

- Ebenezer Scrooge (who is a True Christian™ Godly Republican and hard working businessman) hires a Baptist exorcist who sends the 3 "ghosts" (read: demons) back to Hell where they belong, and continues practising his God-given right of treating his employees as he pleases.

That is the kind of alternative ending I would like to see. Most of the so called "conscience" representations that are depicted to children are actually demons in disguise. This is why it is crucially important that when the Bible and your conscience conflict each other, to ignore your conscience and only follow the Bible. Disney is trying to condition our children to become more susceptible to these demons.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Otherwise admirable Judge and deeply religious man, Frollo is lead astray by demonic witch Esmeralda. You can really see how deeply hurt he is by his temptation, and how he really wants her to "be his" eg. become his property in marriage.

A less Godly man would give into his temptation and try to use his power to have wicked, perverted acts with her outside of marriage, but he does the right thing by deciding to burn her for witchcraft. Thus removing any further possibility for temptation and saving countless other men's souls in the process.

Deformed and godless cripple, Quasimodo, (no doubt a curse from God for his unrepentant and numerous sins), despite Frollo's best efforts to convert Quasimodo, he is seduced by the witch Esmeralda, and his "gargoyles" (no doubt demons). Frollo burns down many houses, and Esmeralda happens to be one of the many burning houses and she is burned alive for Witchcraft. Quasimodo, tries to save her and is also burned alive in the process. Frollo, being the strong religious man that he is, casts the demonic gargoyles back down to Hell where they should have been in the first place.

Yes, Frollo burns a few other people in the process by burning the city of Paris to the ground.. But it's Paris! The majority of people there are probably perverts anyway. And as
Himself teaches us, what's a bit of collateral damage when we're talking about something as important as wiping out the wicked?

[Witch Hammer]

Miracle on 34th Street

A foul smelling old man who believes he is Santa Claus is proven beyond the shadow of a reasonable doubt in a court of law that he is just some random bum with schizophrenia, and is being puppeteered by lucifer in a vain attempt to ruin Baby Jesus' birthday. "Santa", upon hearing the verdict, grabs the bailiff's gun and shoots his lawyer in the head. The old man is subdued, shackled in irons and taken to a facility for the criminally insane and given a prefrontal lobotomy.

Later the same day, Jesus returns as promised, and through the zeal of His (ironically) Joo lawyer, He is proven to be the Son of God, God Himself, and the Savior of all mankind. He then fulfills prophecy by destroying the planet.

The End

[Witch Hammer]

8mm

A True Christian™ private investigator is on the hunt for an alleged "madman" who is making snuff films in which young women are brutally slain while being filmed. Finally, he tracks the "murderer" back to his lair, where he discovers relevant scriptures from Leviticus and Deuteronomy scrawled in blood all over the walls.

The Holy Spirit immediately makes it clear to the detective that all the so-called victims were in fact lesbians, and were righteously dispatched in the line of duty by a leather-masked Christian Soldier who simply wanted to document the enforcement of Biblical law to show his seven young children during their homeschooling lessons.

The detective apologizes profusely for harassing the man, begs Christ's forgiveness, goes home after stopping for a mocha latte and a bear claw, and sleeps more fitfully that night then he has in the last ten years. The End.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

The Time Machine (1960):

One of the three books that George takes with him is the King James Bible. Since becoming as little children (Matthew 18:2-4) comes naturally to the Eloi, they are saved. The remaining Morlocks dismiss the Bible as simplistic (1 Corinthians 1:23) and end up in hell.

[OverlyAttachedJaviera]

Ok, there goes a question for you... what kind of ending would you give to "Beetlejuice: the movie"? I'm a bit curious to read your opinions

[Russell Holbeck]

Originally Posted by OverlyAttachedJaviera

Ok, there goes a question for you... what kind of ending would you give to "Beetlejuice: the movie"? I'm a bit curious to read your opinions

Hello OverlyAttachedJaviera.

I have not seen that movie they were popular when I was in Vietnam but their hair was too long I used an M60 machine gun that I fired through the open door of a helicopter you could cut a tree down if you had enough ammunition we had a lot of ammunition.

Thank you.

Rusty

[Witch Hammer]

Originally Posted by OverlyAttachedJaviera

Ok, there goes a question for you... what kind of ending would you give to "Beetlejuice: the movie"? I'm a bit curious to read your opinions

I don't usually do requests, but:

Beetle Juice

A teenaged gothic slut summons demons in the attic of her parents' new home. Her Christian father, upon becoming aware of her hijinks, drags her kicking and screaming to the town square, douses her with high-octane gasoline and sets her on fire.

[OverlyAttachedJaviera]

Originally Posted by Witch Hammer

I don't usually do requests, but:

Beetle Juice

A teenaged gothic slut summons demons in the attic of her parents' new home. Her Christian father, upon becoming aware of her hijinks, drags her kicking and screaming to the town square, douses her with high-octane gasoline and sets her on fire.

Wow... ok, thanks!

[Witch Hammer]

The Neverending Story

A recalcitrant atheist schoolboy, who has refused to respond to the constructive bullying of his True Christian classmates, finds himself locked in a public school after hours. He sneaks into the attic and begins reading a book other than the Bible KJV. Halfway into the unholy manuscript, God sends forth a raging thunderstorm of vengeance. The child is so transfixed by the devilish text that he doesn't even take notice when a piece of windblown debris smashes through the window. He is still reading when Jesus hurls a lightning bolt straight into his slack jawed piehole and out his rectum, stopping his heart and sending him directly to hell. The End.