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Reload this Page Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE
MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES! Who knows? The love of your life might be here! All the single men are GODLY and all the single ladies are virgins...........for the most part.

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Default Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 06-30-2007, 01:48 AM

I was looking at a Barbie Doll and realized that Barbie might hold some good advice for our Christian singles. Instead of dirty parts like the cooter and fun bags, Barbie has polite little mounds which are free from disturbing bumps and orifices. It seems that Jesus might appreciate it if Christian singles would just pretend that they are Barbie Dolls and ignore their naughty parts until marriage. YOUR THOUGHTS?


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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 06-30-2007, 03:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson View Post
I was looking at a Barbie Doll and realized that Barbie might hold some good advice for our Christian singles. Instead of dirty parts like the cooter and fun bags, Barbie has polite little mounds which are free from disturbing bumps and orifices. It seems that Jesus might appreciate it if Christian singles would just pretend that they are Barbie Dolls and ignore their naughty parts until marriage. YOUR THOUGHTS?
As for the fun bags, you could just...chop 'em off. Hey now that sounds like a nice sane idea, why don't I just go find a large knife, and a bucket. You don't need any anesthetic since that's the devil's creation being from medical science and all.
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 06-30-2007, 04:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joo View Post
As for the fun bags, you could just...chop 'em off. Hey now that sounds like a nice sane idea, why don't I just go find a large knife, and a bucket. You don't need any anesthetic since that's the devil's creation being from medical science and all.
So in addition to being a monkey worshiper, a hook-nosed joo, a queer and a God mocker, you are also a vicious sadist. How charming.

The next time you want to spew such perverted hatred, go do it somewhere else. Mother G is much beloved by our congregation, and frankly I wouldn't want to be in your shoes if Elmer caught up with you saying such filth about her dirty pillows.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 06-30-2007, 04:46 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
So in addition to being a monkey worshiper, a hook-nosed joo, a queer and a God mocker, you are also a vicious sadist. How charming.

The next time you want to spew such perverted hatred, go do it somewhere else. Mother G is much beloved by our congregation, and frankly I wouldn't want to be in your shoes if Elmer caught up with you saying such filth about her dirty pillows.
Couple things:

1. I wasn't speaking to her specifically, I was referring to every woman and every "dirty pillow" in the world! But why do that? That would suck. For both genders and for obvious reasons.

2. It's called sarcasm.
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 06-30-2007, 05:15 PM

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Originally Posted by Joo View Post
Couple things:

1. I wasn't speaking to her specifically, I was referring to every woman and every "dirty pillow" in the world! But why do that? That would suck. For both genders and for obvious reasons.

2. It's called sarcasm.
its not sarcasm its satanism you heathen gerbil swallowing poo covered sissyboy.
our naughty bits are sinful and vile.but if we cut off which offends us we would not have any stinky bits and jesus would not want that.
for it says in the bible: if thou wobbly bits are touched by a whore then thee shall spend an eternity in the fires of hell cleaning gerry fallwells turdcutter the only way to save yourself is too marry thine whore.

remember god wouldnt even touch mary he had to impregnate her without breaking her hymenator
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 06-30-2007, 06:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingoatemybaby View Post
its not sarcasm its satanism you heathen gerbil swallowing poo covered sissyboy.
our naughty bits are sinful and vile.but if we cut off which offends us we would not have any stinky bits and jesus would not want that.
for it says in the bible: if thou wobbly bits are touched by a whore then thee shall spend an eternity in the fires of hell cleaning gerry fallwells turdcutter the only way to save yourself is too marry thine whore.

remember god wouldnt even touch mary he had to impregnate her without breaking her hymenator
You started out fine, but I suspect you're not truly a Christian.
First, that's not a direct quote from the KJV1611 Bible. If you're going to quote scripture, make sure it's the right scripture and word for word correct.
Second, your avatar is highly offensive. Please change it, or I will have to ask one of the pastors to do it.
Third, I don't know what you're talking about in your signature, but around here we capitalize proper names, especially when it comes to Jesus.
Now please make your way to the introduction forum and introduce yourself. Thank you.


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-01-2007, 01:46 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingoatemybaby View Post
its not sarcasm its satanism you heathen gerbil swallowing poo covered sissyboy.
our naughty bits are sinful and vile.but if we cut off which offends us we would not have any stinky bits and jesus would not want that.
for it says in the bible: if thou wobbly bits are touched by a whore then thee shall spend an eternity in the fires of hell cleaning gerry fallwells turdcutter the only way to save yourself is too marry thine whore.

remember god wouldnt even touch mary he had to impregnate her without breaking her hymenator
So he mind raped her then.

Btw, aren't you supposed to capitalize the "J" in Jesus, and anyone elses name for that matter?

What is a "turdcutter" ?

That description you gave of me is highly guro, perhaps you're into that sorta thing? If so hey that's your business, but it's not my problem if people start calling you a sick-o.
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-01-2007, 01:50 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria View Post
You started out fine, but I suspect you're not truly a Christian.
First, that's not a direct quote from the KJV1611 Bible. If you're going to quote scripture, make sure it's the right scripture and word for word correct.
Second, your avatar is highly offensive. Please change it, or I will have to ask one of the pastors to do it.
Third, I don't know what you're talking about in your signature, but around here we capitalize proper names, especially when it comes to Jesus.
Now please make your way to the introduction forum and introduce yourself. Thank you.
deleted done an no
wont be coming backcya
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-01-2007, 02:27 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingoatemybaby View Post
deleted done an no
wont be coming backcya
That's a shame. I've got a feeling you have a lot you can contribute, especially when you start witnessing about your road to Salvation.


Posted via Prayer

1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

Blogging for CHRIST!
Witnessing for GOD on YouTube!
All a-Twitter for Salvation!
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My Ladies of Landover profile!
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-01-2007, 02:37 PM

So anyways back onto the topic of the topic what good will pretending you don't have them do?
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-01-2007, 08:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joo View Post
So anyways back onto the topic of the topic what good will pretending you don't have them do?
First off, it could save your soul. And for dirty daughters of Eve (all women) it might save you the experience of having to cut off your hooters and having your eyes gouged out, followed by a gang rape and stoning (Not the kind you're used to, I'm talking rocks!).

Ezekiel 23: A tale of two sisters
Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse. Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death.


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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-01-2007, 11:01 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson View Post
I was looking at a Barbie Doll and realized that Barbie might hold some good advice for our Christian singles. Instead of dirty parts like the cooter and fun bags, Barbie has polite little mounds which are free from disturbing bumps and orifices. It seems that Jesus might appreciate it if Christian singles would just pretend that they are Barbie Dolls and ignore their naughty parts until marriage. YOUR THOUGHTS?
1) Why, exactly, did you feel the urge to look at naked dolls, Glendora?
2) If a young man/woman thinks of a real man/woman as looking like plastic dolls with no orifices, then when they get married, they aren't going to know how to create 'little soldiers' now, are they?



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-02-2007, 01:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson View Post
First off, it could save your soul. And for dirty daughters of Eve (all women) it might save you the experience of having to cut off your hooters and having your eyes gouged out, followed by a gang rape and stoning (Not the kind you're used to, I'm talking rocks!).
Well I'm surprised you know what any other kind of stoning is. You know the only way you could know that is by being exposed to some raunchy stuff...just wherever have you been ma'am?
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-02-2007, 03:33 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
1) Why, exactly, did you feel the urge to look at naked dolls, Glendora?
2) If a young man/woman thinks of a real man/woman as looking like plastic dolls with no orifices, then when they get married, they aren't going to know how to create 'little soldiers' now, are they?
I'll answer your questions: 1) It isn't because they don't have dirty parts which the Devil placed there to tempt them (I swear!)

2) God will help them make babies as HE sees fit. I know of one sister from our own church who was instructed to use a Dixie Cup while standing on her head . . . that was seven babies ago.


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Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-02-2007, 04:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson View Post
I'll answer your questions: 1) It isn't because they don't have dirty parts which the Devil placed there to tempt them (I swear!)
So it is because they do? (Well...sorta.....lumps anyway, not in any way arousing, LOL)
Quote:
2) God will help them make babies as HE sees fit. I know of one sister from our own church who was instructed to use a Dixie Cup while standing on her head . . . that was seven babies ago.
What was done with the cup? Was a turkey baster involved?



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!

Last edited by Rachael Van Helsing; 07-02-2007 at 04:07 AM.
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-02-2007, 04:14 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
What was done with the cup? Was a turkey baster involved
Most definitely.
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Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-02-2007, 05:44 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joo View Post
Most definitely.
What is it with LBC women and turkey basters?
I'm getting a mental image of succubi-like LBC women running around sleeping men...with their turkey basters....



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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-02-2007, 05:53 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
What is it with LBC women and turkey basters?
I'm getting a mental image of succubi-like LBC women running around sleeping men...with their turkey basters....
So am I, now that you mention it. That's hawt.
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Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-02-2007, 10:26 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
What is it with LBC women and turkey basters?
I'm getting a mental image of succubi-like LBC women running around sleeping men...with their turkey basters....
All Ladies of Landover must produce True Christian™ Baby Soldiers in any way possible. It is no laughing matter and you should not be discussing this here.
Turkey Basters have to be checked out by a Pastor before use just in case a Demon is hiding inside.

I wasn't running!!



Sister Talitha

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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Barbie's Inoffensive Mounds = VALUABLE ADVICE - 07-03-2007, 12:06 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
All Ladies of Landover must produce True Christian™ Baby Soldiers in any way possible. It is no laughing matter and you should not be discussing this here.
Turkey Basters have to be checked out by a Pastor before use just in case a Demon is hiding inside.

I wasn't running!!

TMI TMI TMI TMI.........



Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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