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Jesus NEW: Jesus Christ Now Available Everywhere in Our Toilets! - 08-29-2016, 06:22 AM

Jesus has always been everywhere including the Landover Baptist Public Toilets (At Landover University, Church, City Hall, etc.). Jesus is watching us all the time.

Proverbs 15:3
The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.




Some of this constant tireless observation is by its very nature repulsive to Jesus including our bowel movements and voiding our bladders. Still, Jesus Christ keeps His promise and ogles even our most intimate moments during the revolting but life-sustaining procedures of personal physiological waste management. Of course, we can do our best to minimize these gruesome moments for Christ by voluntary constipation but that is beside the point. To make our visits to the restrooms more bearable for Jesus, the Landover Baptist University Public Restroom Decoration and Management Committee has now completed its renovations. The guidelines that were followed were as follows:

1 Thessalonians 5:17
Pray without ceasing.


Colossians 4:2
Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving;


Ephesians 6:18
Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;


Thus, constant Prayer is the key to relieve the tensions of Jesus as He watches over our defecations. How to attain this? We decided to redecorate the restrooms with reminders of our Savior to keep the minds of the staff, the visitors and the young youths in the principal task of the University and our other establishments: Jesus and Prayer!

This is the new toilet seat cover designed by our Ladies and now distributed all over the campus.



At this stage I must admit that I sometimes wash my hands after finishing my revolting business in the cubicle except when I'm going to have lunch or dinner immediately thereafter (Matthew 15:20). After being reminded by the toilet seat of our Lord and redeemer, you'll next come face-to-face with Jesus at the sink with our new updated soap dispenser cover!



With this new addition, we are every time reminded of the agony and passion of Jesus on the Cross and how the ultimate event of washing was when He conditionally washed away our sins with His Blood on that device of torture!

Revelation 1:5
And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood,


Now, I am asking you: Please remember some extra tithes during the next few weeks so that we can also purchase these new interior decoration elements for voiding the bladder.



In every establishment we have also a penitentiary cubicle for the youths who harbor some unnatural thoughts of extramarital sodomistic fornication. This product was designed to give them a mild preview of the intricate methods Jesus is going to torture them in Hell (Matthew 8:12) if they fail to discard their evil ways (Matthew 9:4).





Please, do not hesitate to hold back bowel movement at home and visit the new LBC restrooms instead to make each and every bowel movement Like a Prayer to glorify Jesus Christ our Savior and Lord! Remember: Jesus is watching you anyway so, please, make this disgusting part of His Vigil a bit more tolerable!




Yours in Christ,

Elmer


2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



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Default Re: NEW: Jesus Christ Now Available Everywhere in Our Toilets! - 08-29-2016, 12:41 PM

What a wonderful initiative! An Absolution and ablution combo. I'll be having words with Pastor Trewhella at my place of worship, Mercy Seat Christian Church in Milwaukee to see if we can roll out a similar thing - naturally acknowledging the ground breaking effort by the Landover with a suitably placed plaque.


Phil
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Default Re: NEW: Jesus Christ Now Available Everywhere in Our Toilets! - 08-29-2016, 03:26 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elmer G. White View Post






In my home country of Jamaica we believe that the white man is the bringer of all the ills which plague the Black man but even in our darkest moments we recognize that the white man has contributed a few things to civilization in spite of all of his destructive tendencies. One of the inventions of the white man that is most mentioned as a mitigating factor when we wonder if we should just wipe them out with a general massacre is toilet paper. In Jamaica we have developed a great love for toilet paper and I think it is the white man's greatest invention. It is superior to leaves, grass and all other cleaning methods. For that reason we believe that a few white people will be allowed to remain in Babylon after the revolution. This type of toilet paper is not a good idea. I would never use this type and I cannot see why anyone would use it. You white people are welcome to take this kind of toilet paper with you when we make you go back to Europe which is your true home to live with the Arabs.


Sing unto God, sing praises to his name: Extol him that rideth upon the heavens By his name JAH, and rejoice before him.-Psalms 68:4
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Elmer G. White Elmer G. White is offline
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Unhappy Re: NEW: Jesus Christ Now Available Everywhere in Our Toilets! - 08-30-2016, 04:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by I Man Rastafari View Post
In my home country of Jamaica we believe that the white man is the bringer of all the ills which plague the Black man but even in our darkest moments we recognize that the white man has contributed a few things to civilization in spite of all of his destructive tendencies. One of the inventions of the white man that is most mentioned as a mitigating factor when we wonder if we should just wipe them out with a general massacre is toilet paper. In Jamaica we have developed a great love for toilet paper and I think it is the white man's greatest invention. It is superior to leaves, grass and all other cleaning methods. For that reason we believe that a few white people will be allowed to remain in Babylon after the revolution. This type of toilet paper is not a good idea. I would never use this type and I cannot see why anyone would use it. You white people are welcome to take this kind of toilet paper with you when we make you go back to Europe which is your true home to live with the Arabs.
Mr. Rastafari,

As you are a Hamite college dropout who still somehow deep down strives for Salvation, I'll use some precious minutes to educate you where you dropped off. Thorns (barbed wire is very very much like a thorn bush) are extremely useful reminders of two pivotal issues regarding Redemption.

1. They tell us about the Wrath of Jesus if we fail to follow His Commandments (Ecclesiastes 12:13; Matthew 7:21)

Jeremiah 12:13
They have sown wheat, but shall reap thorns: they have put themselves to pain, but shall not profit: and they shall be ashamed of your revenues because of the fierce anger of the LORD.

2. Moreover (and this is even more pivotal), thorns remind us of the plight and Passion of Sweet Jesus how He suffered for quite a few hours on the Cross before gaining His rightful place in Heaven as our Lord and Future Judge!

Mark 15:17
And they clothed him with purple, and platted a crown of thorns, and put it about his head,

Why do you refuse to pay your respects to the Agony of Christ by refusing the minor agony of thorns in your derrière, Mr. Rastafari? How do you think Jesus feels when you crave only for comfort in this very intimate anatomical location and neglect His Plight? He must be very sad, Mr. Rastafari. Please, reconsider!




Yours in Christ,

Elmer


2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



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Default Re: NEW: Jesus Christ Now Available Everywhere in Our Toilets! - 08-30-2016, 02:52 PM

Thank you so much for that post, Brother. I do have a concern about the one picture with Our Dear Lord's image on the foaming soap dispenser. It almost looks like Jesus is. . . ummm. . . doing something during His last agonizing moments on the cross.

Jesus never did that, did He?




Not Wanting to Think About Itingly Yours,


Handmaiden


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Elmer G. White Elmer G. White is offline
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Cross Re: NEW: Jesus Christ Now Available Everywhere in Our Toilets! - 08-30-2016, 03:01 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
Thank you so much for that post, Brother. I do have a concern about the one picture with Our Dear Lord's image on the foaming soap dispenser. It almost looks like Jesus is. . . ummm. . . doing something during His last agonizing moments on the cross.

Jesus never did that, did He?

Not Wanting to Think About Itingly Yours,

Handmaiden
Dear Sister,

I am afraid that I'm going to have to break some disturbing news to you.



You are right.

Jesus did the thing we almost never associate with Him.

On the cross. He had doubts.

Matthew 27:46
And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?


For a fleeting nanosecond, the relatively severe pain made Him forget that He was and is God Himself and had designed His own exquisite torture from the beginning (John 1:2).

It is terrible to realize that Jesus doubted, but the more reason for us to be constantly reminded of His Great Gift of Redemption so that we don't have to doubt. Ever.



Yours in Christ,

Elmer


2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



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Default Re: NEW: Jesus Christ Now Available Everywhere in Our Toilets! - 08-30-2016, 08:21 PM

Wonderful work, Brother. I look forward to the day I can shed this pesky ankle monitor and visit Freehold.

YIC,
LL


And they entered into a covenant to seek the Lord God of their fathers with all their heart and with all their soul;
That whosoever would not seek the Lord God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.
2 Chronicles 15:12-13
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