Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Landover Today! > The Freehold Truth and Light Baptist newspaper
Reload this Page A Christian Perspective of 2015
The Freehold Truth and Light Baptist newspaper Featured editorials, letters to the GODLY Pastors of Landover, local news, advise columns.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
(#1)
Old
Ezekiel Bathfire's Avatar
Ezekiel Bathfire Ezekiel Bathfire is offline
Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
Christ's Rottweiler
 

One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Christian Love Real American™ Tithing Manager Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS True Scientist™ Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Senior Pastor Teabag Patriot TC Bravery Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Ex-Brit Eats the Most Pork True Republican Ex-eurotrash Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Kirk Cameron Fan Club Nuts for JESUS! Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Stamp of Approval Rick Perry's Niggerhead Ranch Mower Donald Trump 2016! Anti-sodomy Pastor Ezekiel Aardvark Bathfire Crown of Life Alternative Facts Probing for Jesus 20,000 posts Saved 10 Years Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden

 
Posts: 22,727
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toiling selflessly towards Salvation
Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Ezekiel Bathfire will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default A Christian Perspective of 2015 - 12-30-2015, 08:45 PM

I suppose that, as the year ends, the greatest disappointment is that Jesus did not come from the skies on His white charger with a flaming sword in his mouth and slaughter a whole load of people who have been annoying Him and me. I was going to say “I feel sure that He will arrive next year” but that would make me appear foolish, as He will come when we least expect Him, so if I start expecting Him, He won’t come. So that applies to everyone else too – stop expecting Him. But then… if we all stop expecting him because we think that He will then come, does that mean that we are “not expecting Him” but then expect Him just because we’re not? (I’ll be looking into that one next year… unless He comes.)

March saw the publishing of the results of Landover’s Poll on “Christianity in the USA.” We sampled over 8,000 views and received 7,999 opinions (see also November) that “The USA is a Christian Country and everyone is really Christian.” This was really heartening and a vindication of our work here. Fox News did do a piece on it but I was disappointed that it was a short mention and “only in passing” in a larger report on the death of Westboro Baptist’s Fred Phelps

April saw the start of the experiment sponsored by Answers In Genesis, in which the absolute need for a Creator was shown in the remarkable “Cornflakes Intelligent Design” experiment.

Scientists have long held that each action needs a cause and creation of such complex organisms as Daisy-Mae’s dog need a designer, yet atheists and Catholics claim that order is a blind effect – a question of random events.

Now if this is so, then we would expect rocks to have evolved into something. So we left something to chance and another set of things to God.

We bought 200 boxes of cornflakes from the manufacturer and in an effort to prevent the Godly influence of Landover, we loaded 100 them on the bed of Deaner’s old Ford Pick-up and drove across country, across gravel roads, up mountain tracks, through forests and, 500 miles later, they were placed them carefully inside a room that Pastor Zeke had blessed. We then said prayers to The Almighty to show us His Power.

The other 100, we left at the manufacturers straight off the production line. A godless environment with many immigrant workers.

30 days and 30 nights later, Deaner’s old reliable pick-up was used to transport the 100 boxes back to the manufacturer’s, and there, both lots were examined under the watchful eye of Zeke.

In the boxes that had been blessed the log cabin, the cornflakes had miraculously sorted themselves out. Big ones at the top – the bits and little ones at the bottom. Those unprayed-for ones, the factory-fresh ones, were completely unsorted.

Tell me now that God is not real and takes an interest in prayer!

(In case you’re wondering, as a result of this, all cereals sold in Landover are blessed by Pastor Zeke personally, and that is why they cost an extra $1 a box.)

June brought the meeting between Pastor Zeke and Donald Trump, and this was followed a week later by Mr Trump announcing he would be willing to be the next POTUS. As we haven’t really had one for the last 8 years, this was good news.

August saw the religious cleansing of Landover. In its usual ritual of purification, the assembly of Pastors reviewed all persons and businesses in the Landover area. As a result, John King-Blortsen was shunned from the congregation for life, banned from entering the bounds of Landover, and his restaurant closed. He appealed but he was condemned by his own statement when he agreed that he had bought for, and sold in, his restaurant sparkling water, contrary to Psalms:23:2: He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

November was a month with problems too. More nigras were shot than the police knew what to do with and the congregation split between disarming nigras and arming all nigras. We are still praying for guidance on this one.

If you have any memories for 2015, please share.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
Reply With Quote
(#2)
Old
Johny Joe Hold's Avatar
Johny Joe Hold Johny Joe Hold is offline
Mayor of Freehold
 

Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ True Christian Caucasian TC Bravery Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once One Year/1000 posts Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Mayor True Republican Teabag Patriot Ex-liberal Saved 1 Year Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Eats the Most Pork Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Mission to Korea Stamp of Approval Guns ablazin' Trump of GOD Donald Trump 2016! Pancake Dinner Anti-sodomy Pastor Ezekiel BFF of Jesus Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Saved 5 Years Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Team Fortress Rebuker Extraordinaire Sons of Liberty Saved 10 Years Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Polling for Christ Anti-Biden Midget porn survivor

 
Posts: 12,118
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: City Hall, Freehold, Iowa
Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: A Christian Perspective of 2015 - 01-01-2016, 01:55 AM

2015 was the year the Godless public became obsessed with the welfare of chickens.

Grocery stores across the country began selling "free range" eggs. A stupid chicken does not know the difference between a chicken cage and a "free range." People should read scripture and know animals are here to serve man and not visa versa.

I've told the grocer in Freehold to call his eggs "free cage."


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
Reply With Quote
(#3)
Old
Alvin Moss's Avatar
Alvin Moss Alvin Moss is offline
Serving Jesus
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound Ready for the Rapture True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot Proud Niglet Sponsorer Touched by Jesus One Year/1000 posts Ex-Masturbator Friend of Jesus Sons of Liberty Porn Resistant Early riser Tell her once Persecuted Bronze Tither Punched the most queers Mission to Korea Trump of GOD True Republican Donald Trump 2016! 2015 Witch Hunt Award Prayer Warrior Kirk Cameron Fan Club Hands Off True Heterosexual™ 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College Nuke of Heaven Crown of Glory Mower Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Gunfest '14 Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Wall of Jesus Crown of Incorruptibility Alternative Facts Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Anti-Biden

 
Posts: 4,470
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Godly Texas, Besieged by Papist Idol Worshippers
Alvin Moss will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alvin Moss will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alvin Moss will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alvin Moss will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alvin Moss will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alvin Moss will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alvin Moss will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alvin Moss will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alvin Moss will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alvin Moss will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alvin Moss will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: A Christian Perspective of 2015 - 01-01-2016, 02:24 AM

I will always remember 2015 as the year of the rampage of Mrs. Carpenter, who is a godless heathen and a tool of Satan. Surly, 2016 will see her sent to her reward, which I suppose to be the Lake of Fire.


God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11
Reply With Quote
(#4)
Old
Bjorn Jensen's Avatar
Bjorn Jensen Bjorn Jensen is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

Honorary Ex-Eskimo True Christian™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Persecuted Porn Resistant Guns, Guts and GLORY! One Year/1000 posts Touched by Jesus Saved 1 Year Public Awareness Medal TC Bravery Pro-Life Christian Love 2014 Witch Hunt Award Anti-sodomy 2015 Witch Hunt Award Jailed for JESUS Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts Ex-Scandinavian Anti-Biden

 
Posts: 2,364
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Bjorn Jensen will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bjorn Jensen will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bjorn Jensen will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bjorn Jensen will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bjorn Jensen will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bjorn Jensen will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bjorn Jensen will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bjorn Jensen will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bjorn Jensen will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bjorn Jensen will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bjorn Jensen will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: A Christian Perspective of 2015 - 01-04-2016, 02:45 AM

December: God smited evil death metal singer Lemmy "Ian" Kilmeister, a long time profilic enemy of Landover Baptist.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here



Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved