THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS! Open for the CHRISTmas Season only. |
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Family Man of the Year 2010-2013 About as Straight and Manly as you can get Hates anal sex. And trees.
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,323
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Protecting my children from homosexuals
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 11:31 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire
Dear Damned One, we know the sandal size of Our Saviour - it is "Perfect".
(You know He will forgive you if you seek Him out, don't you?)
PS
Dear Lord, thank you for posting Your Message of Hope and Love - do you think you could get around to cursing the oak tree in my neighbor's garden as it is blocking the light to my pool.
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Brother, if you need your oak tree taken care of, Jesus may have placed it in the path of my hungry axehead. It is the only worthy gift that a parking lot tither like myself could bestow upon one who knows the Lord's sandal size.
I only ask the privilege of giving it a slow death.
The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 60
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Looking for Christ in the tundra of Finland
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 12:09 PM
Ohhm, my! M'Lord, I am so blessed and HAPPY to meet you! This is like the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!! I am actually just crying of happiness!
Nothing I could ever do in this life could show how GRATEFUL I am for your sacrifice you made for us!
Lord, I am doing the best to serve you and I follow every word you teach us! I am sorry for every little sin of mine and I wish I could kiss the floor you walked on. I am only a inferior woman and I beg for your forgiveness, I BEG you! I would do anything for you!
I LOVE YOU JESUS!!
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As pure and virginal as the driven snow.
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,883
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 12:17 PM
I Jesus!
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Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,980
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: San Francisco, California
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 12:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Talitha
Happy Birthday Jesus.
Thank you for not killing me this year. PRAISE YOU.
I bought you some new sandals, just the way you like them, and guaranteed not made by a slant.
Hope you like them
Attachment 20399
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I...
Oh, I... hadn't realized we were buying presents.
Jesus, listen, I, um...
I haven't picked out your present yet. But I'm definitely giving you something really awesome. It will probably arrive after Christmas, though.
WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
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Unsaved Trash, degenerate godmocker
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Posts: 53
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pastor Zeke is my anal slave.
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 04:20 PM
A false prophet has appeared. Smite it!
Matthew 7:15
It's horrible that Satan needs to impersonate Jesus. It's even more horrible that "True Christians™" worship it.
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The Truest Christian™
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Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 04:53 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant Doofus
A false prophet has appeared. Smite it!
Matthew 7:15
It's horrible that Satan needs to impersonate Jesus. It's even more horrible that "True Christians™" worship it.
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Did you want a sign that I am the Christ? Too bad for you, Pharisee. I already gave you the sign of Jonah. I was in the earth for three days and then I rose. If that isn't good enough for you, I'm sure I can make other arrangements for you for all eternity.
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Unsaved Trash, degenerate godmocker
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Posts: 53
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pastor Zeke is my anal slave.
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 04:57 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus
Did you want a sign that I am the Christ? Too bad for you, Pharisee. I already gave you the sign of Jonah. I was in the earth for three days and then I rose. If that isn't good enough for you, I'm sure I can make other arrangements for you for all eternity.
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Only thing is that you are not Jesus but Satan.
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,451
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 05:01 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant Doofus
Only thing is that you are not Jesus but Satan.
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Prove it, or STFU.
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The Truest Christian™
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Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 05:05 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant Doofus
Only thing is that you are not Jesus but Satan.
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The Pharisees accused me of the same thing. I will tell you the same thing I told them.
Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand: And if Satan cast out Satan, he is divided against himself; how shall then his kingdom stand?And if I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your children cast them out? therefore they shall be your judges.
But if I cast out devils by the Spirit of God, then the kingdom of God is come unto you.
Or else how can one enter into a strong man's house, and spoil his goods, except he first bind the strong man? and then he will spoil his house.
He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad.
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Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
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Posts: 7
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: in Hell
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 05:06 PM
How could I forget birthday of my uncle
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Unsaved Trash, degenerate godmocker
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Posts: 53
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pastor Zeke is my anal slave.
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 05:38 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much
Prove it, or STFU.
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Prove that he isn't Satan or STFU.
Oh no I think we have a circular argument.
If I made an account called "God" would I be God?
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,451
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 05:54 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant Doofus
Prove that he isn't Satan or STFU...
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You made the claim that he's Satan. The burden of proof is upon you.
Quote:
...Oh no I think we have a circular argument...
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No, we have someone using childlike arguments ("I know you are but what am I?") and expecting to have their opinion respected.
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Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
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Posts: 9,051
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Surrounded by queers.
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 05:55 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant Doofus
Prove that he isn't Satan or STFU.
Oh no I think we have a circular argument.
If I made an account called "God" would I be God?
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Don't be ridiculous. No one would have a profile calling themselves God.
YIC
1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.
Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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The Truest Christian™
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Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 06:06 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant Doofus
Prove that he isn't Satan
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I already gave the proof a couple of days ago. You want I should give you more proof now?
All I am asking is that you believe in me without ever seeing me. That is all I have been asking for the past two thousand years now. You have no problem believing in me when your parents or your preacher tell you I am real. How is it that you don't believe now that I am in front of you?
Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.
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Family Man of the Year 2010-2013 About as Straight and Manly as you can get Hates anal sex. And trees.
True Christian™
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Posts: 8,323
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Protecting my children from homosexuals
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 06:36 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant Doofus
Prove that he isn't Satan or STFU.
Oh no I think we have a circular argument.
If I made an account called "God" would I be God?
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If you made an account called "God", it would be labeled unsaved trash, which would prove you were just a filthy liar. If your ip address traced back to Heaven, then that would be interesting. But it doesn't, does it.
The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!
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Unsaved Trash, degenerate godmocker
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Posts: 53
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pastor Zeke is my anal slave.
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 06:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lamb of God Himself
I already gave the proof a couple of days ago. You want I should give you more proof now?
All I am asking is that you believe in me without ever seeing me. That is all I have been asking for the past two thousand years now. You have no problem believing in me when your parents or your preacher tell you I am real. How is it that you don't believe now that I am in front of you?
Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.
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Why would Jesus need to prove Himself?
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 06:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant Doofus
Why would Jesus need to prove Himself?
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Why would a demon like you be haunting this Godly forum on His birthday?
Get thee hence!
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Gushing for Jesus
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Posts: 23,730
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 06:49 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant Doofus
Why would Jesus need to prove Himself?
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He doesn't. It is by divine courtesy that He communicates with us now. Please do pay proper respect to the very Son of God. Eventually, even your knee shall bow before Him. Why not do so now?
Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name:
That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth;
And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Philippians 2:9-11
Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Unsaved Trash, degenerate godmocker
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Posts: 53
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pastor Zeke is my anal slave.
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 07:18 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
Why would a demon like you be haunting this Godly forum on His birthday?
Get thee hence!
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I'm trying to keep Satan at bay, but demonic "pastors" are trying to prevent it.
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,451
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: Don't Forget My Birthday -
12-25-2012, 07:32 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignorant Doofus
I'm trying to keep Satan at bay...
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Here's one way:
Matthew 19:12 "For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it."
Why don't you try it? Nothing else seems to be working.
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