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Spiritual Mother of LBC
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,341
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IA
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Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
03-04-2007, 04:17 AM
Many folks have come to me and expressed the need for help with their own sexual purity. I know all of you (who are worthy) want to be pure, but without GOD's help, you may find yourselves writhing in carnal knowledge like dogs in heat.
Anyway, by choosing an option in this poll you will be committing to LBC and GOD that you will remain pure. Please seal your agreement with our Lord by repeating the prayer below.
Dearest Jesus! I pray Thee to defend, with Thy grace, chastity and purity in my soul as well as in my body.
Amen.
PS Those of you who have the privilege, you may add options to the poll, as usual.
Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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Ladies of Landover Senior VP One of the Truest Christians™ Ever Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
True Christian™
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Posts: 12,662
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Standing behind my husband
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
03-04-2007, 04:43 AM
Errrrr... What if we're torn between two answers? I think I need to pray on this, and maybe consult a pastor.
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Spiritual Mother of LBC
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,341
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IA
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
03-04-2007, 04:49 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria
Errrrr... What if we're torn between two answers? I think I need to pray on this, and maybe consult a pastor.
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Of course prayer and consulting a pastor (especially about tithing) is always a good idea. And I think Jesus would be most upset by no pledge at all, so my advice: Under pledge and over deliver.
Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,215
Join Date: Jan 1970
Location: God's Own America
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
03-04-2007, 04:25 PM
As all the Good Ladies here at landover know, your own sister Tali came to you after an unfortunate incident with her 92 year old husband. (now sadly departed)
I Praise The Lord© and give thanks Jesus Christ® every time I Pray for giving me my Virginity back with the help of those good people at The Freehold Memorial Hospital.
Their Cooter Resurrection Unit have made me back into the Woman I used to be.
Praise the Lord™
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Posts: 11,024
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: At the Gift Exchange Counter
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
03-04-2007, 05:19 PM
I chose the "Marriage" option. (Boys - did you see that?)
Although I don't need to hear Dora Denkins "singing" once again:
Here comes the Bride
Big, fat and wide!
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Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
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Posts: 11
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Spokane, WA
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-18-2007, 10:59 PM
I chose the Marriage option as well.
My husband and I want kids some day, and last I checked that was the only way to get one of your own flesh. I want to give him a son. Though we will be adopting as well.
Alfreda
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Ladies of Landover Senior VP One of the Truest Christians™ Ever Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
True Christian™
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Posts: 12,662
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Standing behind my husband
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-19-2007, 02:24 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alfreda
I chose the Marriage option as well.
My husband and I want kids some day, and last I checked that was the only way to get one of your own flesh. I want to give him a son. Though we will be adopting as well.
Alfreda
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A son you can dress up as a little animal and make eat his dinner out of a bowl on the floor and drink water out of the toilet? Until you get right with God and give up that "furry" nonsense, I think it's best you avoid carnal knowledge of each other. As for adopting, how cruel and selfish can you be? A child in need of adoption is best suited for a True Christian family, and if none are available, a True Christian orphanage. Anything else is just wrong.
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compassion personified
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,721
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New Zealand
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-19-2007, 02:44 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha
Their Cooter Resurrection Unit have made me back into the Woman I used to be.
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What a wonderful story, dear Talitha. However, I suspect there are some cooters which cannot be resurrected; the worn and saggy private parts of unsaved women, for example, hanging down to podgy and misshapen knees. The only "resurrection" that would help their vile bits is that which our Lord Christ endured ... well, not so much the actual resurrection as the entombment which preceded it.
The trouble is three days and nights wouldn't suffice - these cooters need to be removed from polite society forever; let us pray that modern and GODLY medicine advances to a place where the Eternal Entombment of Calloused Cooters is possible.
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Predestinated Servant of Jesus Christ by the Will of God True Christian™ Theologian
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,420
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-20-2007, 01:03 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Rogers
What a wonderful story, dear Talitha. However, I suspect there are some cooters which cannot be resurrected; the worn and saggy private parts of unsaved women, for example, hanging down to podgy and misshapen knees. The only "resurrection" that would help their vile bits is that which our Lord Christ endured ... well, not so much the actual resurrection as the entombment which preceded it.
The trouble is three days and nights wouldn't suffice - these cooters need to be removed from polite society forever; let us pray that modern and GODLY medicine advances to a place where the Eternal Entombment of Calloused Cooters is possible.
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I suppose Mrs. R's good manners and True Christian™ charity prevented her from calling out Lilith and Rachael Van Helsing by name, but there is hardly a reason to exercise discretion when referring to those two, who are legendary (in some circles) for hosting the Ukrainian navy and whose cooters, it is said, have acquired the burnished patina of fine Italian shoe leather. Jesus Himself would be brought to tears, trying to make headway with either of them.
I loved Newt before Newt was invincible
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Posts: 11,024
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: At the Gift Exchange Counter
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-20-2007, 01:51 PM
What truly fabulous bumper stickers, Sister M&Ms!!! Where might I pick up several dozens of them?
Why so many? Of course I will give unceasingly of my time and effort for Pasta's campaign and so "share" with Sinners in the Wal*Mart and Home Despot parking lots
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member
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Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-21-2007, 05:04 AM
I chose the 'do what I please' option. I would have chosen within marriage as I won't be cheating, however I noticed you added 'never for pleasure' and, well, sorry, but no can do.
I won't be making a chore out of something very enjoyable.
Quote:
for hosting the Ukrainian navy and whose cooters, it is said, have acquired the burnished patina of fine Italian shoe leather. Jesus Himself would be brought to tears, trying to make headway with either of them.
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The whole navy?
My, my....I doubt Lil and I would be half as spry if we'd entertained the entire navy.
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
Last edited by Rachael Van Helsing; 05-21-2007 at 05:07 AM.
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Ladies of Landover Senior VP One of the Truest Christians™ Ever Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
True Christian™
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Posts: 12,662
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Standing behind my husband
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-21-2007, 06:21 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SUV
What truly fabulous bumper stickers, Sister M&Ms!!! Where might I pick up several dozens of them?
Why so many? Of course I will give unceasingly of my time and effort for Pasta's campaign and so "share" with Sinners in the Wal*Mart and Home Despot parking lots
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The Landover Gift Shop is a great place to buy them, as the money raised goes right to the church's coffers! If you can't wait until you next go, most Bible stores in Freehold carry them. For some reason Bibletopia on Hester Ave. doesn't, though I don't know what Sam Jessop has against making money.
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Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
True Christian™
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Posts: 15,647
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: South Yorkshire, hotbed of sin
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-21-2007, 10:58 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
The whole navy?
My, my....I doubt Lil and I would be half as spry if we'd entertained the entire navy.
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So is it officers up, or what?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Mary Maria
The Landover Gift Shop is a great place to buy them, as the money raised goes right to the church's coffers! If you can't wait until you next go, most Bible stores in Freehold carry them. For some reason Bibletopia on Hester Ave. doesn't, though I don't know what Sam Jessop has against making money.
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I heard he's still hoping for a Deacon Fred/Bobby-Joe ticket. It's unlikely, but I can understand the appeal; there's something about the thought of Brother Bobby-Joe having the launch code for America's nuclear arsenal that just sends a shiver of excitement down my spine. Glory!
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Predestinated Servant of Jesus Christ by the Will of God True Christian™ Theologian
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,420
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-21-2007, 12:40 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Temperance
there's something about the thought of Brother Bobby-Joe having the launch code for America's nuclear arsenal that just sends a shiver of excitement down my spine.
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...or something. It's hard to explain, but I'm very sure that Brother Bobby J's finger on the button would serve as a deterrent to even the most self-sacrificing of Mudslime terrorist.
I loved Newt before Newt was invincible
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,909
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-21-2007, 01:09 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Lee
...or something. It's hard to explain, but I'm very sure that Brother Bobby J's finger on the button would serve as a deterrent to even the most self-sacrificing of Mudslime terrorist.
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It does harken one back to President Nixon's " madman gambit" with the Vietcong. And THAT worked out well.
Quote:
The "Madman" scenario
A "madman theory" was devised for negotiating with the government of North Vietnam. In this gambit, Henry Kissinger would emphasize, in his meetings with representatives of North Vietnam, the volatility of President Nixon's personality. He would warn the North Vietnamese that Nixon was unpredictable, that he could fly into a rage, and that this could happen in response to either North Vietnamese military action or intransigence in the peace talks. A similar theme was sounded by Kissinger in his dealing with the American press. Over the course of the term, Nixon provided a number of examples to give credence to Kissinger's claims: secretly bombing Cambodia, bombing Hanoi and Haiphong, invading Cambodia, and mining Haiphong harbor.
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Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Sad young man seduced into witchcraft. Aka as Daniel, etc.
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Posts: 51
Join Date: May 2007
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-24-2007, 02:16 PM
I have made my pledge. Total, absolute, white-as-snow purity.
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Spiritual Mother of LBC
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,341
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, IA
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-26-2007, 03:21 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aethereal
I have made my pledge. Total, absolute, white-as-snow purity.
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I am so encouraged by your pledge. I know you have some serious spiritual challenges, but there is potential for salvation. As one of only two Pure as Snow Virgins, you may need some extra help from our all-knowing Lord who has provided us with the help we need.
Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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Predestinated Servant of Jesus Christ by the Will of God True Christian™ Theologian
True Christian™
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Posts: 4,420
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-27-2007, 10:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glendora Christianson
I am so encouraged by your pledge. I know you have some serious spiritual challenges, but there is potential for salvation. As one of only two Pure as Snow Virgins, you may need some extra help from our all-knowing Lord who has provided us with the help we need.
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Your modesty is a tribute to Jesus Himself. Everyone at Landover knows that Mother Glynndie is the authority, when it comes to promoting male purity.
The Thorn In The Flesh™ Paul Buster®, which our own Glendora Christianson devised one afternoon when Skeeter was showering every 45 minutes, has proved to be a purity-lifesaver for an untold many. Nowadays, it's unthinkable for an unmarried True Christian™ man to escort a sister anywhere, unless his Paul Buster® is firmly "locked and loaded", Praise God!
I loved Newt before Newt was invincible
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Foul Sinner on Moderation
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Posts: 136
Join Date: May 2007
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-27-2007, 10:49 PM
BORING. Purity..heh...I chose the last option.
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SATAN'S FAVORITE BONIFIED PERVERT!
Forum Member
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Posts: 3,054
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Right here, right now
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Re: Mother Glendora's Sexual Purity Pledge Place! -
05-28-2007, 03:56 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Lee
Your modesty is a tribute to Jesus Himself. Everyone at Landover knows that Mother Glynndie is the authority, when it comes to promoting male purity.
The Thorn In The Flesh™ Paul Buster®, which our own Glendora Christianson devised one afternoon when Skeeter was showering every 45 minutes, has proved to be a purity-lifesaver for an untold many. Nowadays, it's unthinkable for an unmarried True Christian™ man to escort a sister anywhere, unless his Paul Buster® is firmly "locked and loaded", Praise God!
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Actually, there's an adult toy store on I-10 that sells them.
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