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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 08-19-2008, 08:03 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterSidPhelps View Post
Um. Jenny.... why are you apologising to this unsaved trash?
Because I made an error.

Don't worry. I'm sure this Fishy fellow will do something or other soon which deserves rebuking . . .


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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 08-26-2008, 02:44 PM

This is a sort of professional 'in-joke'...

Q...what's the best way to spot a mooselem ?

A...Down a 'scope .


so is this...

Q... What hairstyle suits a mooslem best...

A... Cross-hairs.

and this...

Q... what kind of positive action is most appropriate for a mooselem ?

A... Bolt-action....

and this....

Q...Did you hear about the mooslem terrorist/insurgent tried to blow up a coalition tank ?

A...Burned his lips on the exhaust .

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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 05-31-2010, 05:53 AM

What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?

Bisexual


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 05-31-2010, 07:21 AM

Oh, this is a hoot!

Q. How do Muslims practice safe sex?
A. They mark the camels that kick.

A Muslim walks into his local mosque with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about, Abdul?" Asks the Imam.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies Abdul. "I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the rails, like in the American movies. I cut her free and took her back to my humble abode. Allah be praised - we made love all night, all around the tent. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position permitted by Mohammed, piss be upon him!"
"By the most Merciful," exclaimed the Imam, "you have been blessed. Was she as beautiful as a desert flower?"
Abdul grimaced, "By the Jinn, I do not know - I never found her head."[icky!]

Q. Why are there only 2 pallbearers at a Muslim funeral?
A. There's only 2 handles on a garbage can.

I hope you like them. ^^
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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 05-31-2010, 01:39 PM

Guy goes browsing in an old antique shop in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. While there he spots a little bronze statue of a rat, absolutely perfect in every detail. He asks the shop owner how much. "$12 for just the rat. A hundred bucks for the rat and the story that goes with it."
"Keep the story, I'll take the rat"
As soon as he leaves the shop with the bronze rat he hears a squeak behind him, looks around and sees there's a rat following him. Ignoring it he keeps on walking. A minute or two later, he looks back again and now there's a dozen rats following him. He speeds up his walk, and after a minute or two looks again - hundreds of rats and more climbing up out of the drains and joining in. He starts running. The rats start running. He heads out onto the pier, runs to the end of it with by now thousands of rats right behind him. When he reaches the end of the pier he throws the bronze rat in the sea, and the thousands of rats run straight off the end of the pier after the statue, and all drown.
A few minutes later, he's back in the old antique shop, and the owner, with a big smile on his face says, "Come back to buy the story, have you?"
"Screw the story - got any bronze Muslims?"


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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 05-31-2010, 02:42 PM

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water.
But, then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "An infidel is sitting on the well."
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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 09-12-2010, 10:41 PM

4 people in the carriage of a train - a Jew, a pretty young blond, an ugly old woman and a Muslim.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Muslim is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks "I bet that Muslim fondled the blond in the dark and she slapped him"
The pretty young blond thinks " I bet the Muslim tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".
The Muslim thinks "I bet that dirty Jew fondled the blond in the dark, but the blond thought it was me and hit me"
The Jew thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Muslim mormon again.
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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 09-12-2010, 11:14 PM

Oh, I just made this one up. (and you all know how good I am at making up really funny jokes!)

Q: How do we know that God hates Islamic countries?

A: Because they Are-Bombin'-Nations!







There's Jesus here,
Just see what He offers me....
Down here my sins forgiven,
Up there a home in heaven
Praise God, That's the way for me!!
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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 09-13-2010, 12:51 AM

Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies. You have no right to be having a good time. You, sir, in the front row. Is that a scud missile under your toga or are you just happy to see me?

On my flight to New York there must have been a Jew in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said "occupied."

What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
Nothing! You told her twice already!

How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb.
None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians? It bombed!

What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank?
Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel!

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys?
Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

What has 24 legs and 48 teeth? Twelve Muslim women!

A small plane carrying Yassir Arafat and all his top lieutenants crashes and all aboard are killed. Who is saved? The Palestinian people!

Who won the Muslim beauty contest? No one!

Two Israelis are in an elevator when the doors open and a Palestinian gets on. After the doors close, the Palestinian lets out a huge, noisy fart. The doors open again and the Palestinian gets off. One Jew looks at the other, wipes his brow and says, "Thank God! Must have been a dud!"

A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. "Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I'm dying to get laid!"

What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? "Live ammunition."

A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, "After Abdul blows up, can I have his
room?"
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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 09-13-2010, 01:06 AM

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen," which means: "Don't drink the water; the cows have crapped in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."
The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."








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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 09-13-2010, 01:25 AM

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen," which means: "Don't drink the water; the cows have crapped in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."
The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."



Osama Bin Laden came to his cave one day and saw this graffiti:
"OSAMA piffleS GOATS" on the group toilet wall. "It's a lie, " Osama yelled out to his fellow mujahideen, "The goat backed into me, while I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain."



Q: What's the Muslim word for that useless part surrounding a vagina?
A: A woman.



An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water.

But, then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "An infidel is sitting on the well."



What do Muslim women have in common with hockey players?

They both wait until after three periods to change their pads!
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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 09-13-2010, 02:45 AM

Two muslim men are showing pictures of their children to each other. The first says: "This is my oldest, Muhammed. He was a martyr.... this is my second oldest, Muhammed. He was a martyr too.... This is my baby boy, Muhammed. One day I hope he will be a martyr too."
The other replies: "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
A: Dress her up as a goat

Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. What's toilet paper?

Q. What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
.A Tickle the goat under the chin.

Q - When is the only time you can spit in a arab womans face?
A - When her mustache is on fire!
.

Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp.

Q. What's the difference between ET and Muslims?
A. ET got the point and went home.

Q. Why are there only 2 pallbearers at a Muslim funeral?
A. There's only 2 handles on a garbage can.

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!

What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? "Live ammunition."

And finally

Osama Bin Laden memo


To: All Al Queda Fighters

From: Bin Laden, Osama

Subject: The Cave


Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the living daylights out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the "Wassup" thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of chocolate biscuits recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my biscuits were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SH*GS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the "chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain" will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. The first patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 04-16-2016, 04:13 PM

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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 04-17-2016, 03:47 AM

Person 1: oh boy looks like we have run out of toilet paper!Person 2: fear not mate, we got the holy bible KJV.
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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 04-17-2016, 03:52 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Retrovir View Post
Person 1: oh boy looks like we have run out of toilet paper!Person 2: fear not mate, we got the holy bible KJV.
What has this to do with Muslims or jokes?

Edit: As not to be a spoilsport hereby my contribution.





Jeremiah 6:21 Therefore thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will lay stumblingblocks before this people, and the fathers and the sons together shall fall upon them; the neighbour and his friend shall perish.

Best wishes for the people in Ukraine.
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Unhappy Re: Muslim Jokes - 04-17-2016, 03:55 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Retrovir View Post
Person 1: oh boy looks like we have run out of toilet paper!Person 2: fear not mate, we got the holy bible KJV.
Yes, dear child,

Muslims of other Catholicks do not revere our Holy Book but desacrate it every chance they get. However, I fail to understand how this could be funny. In fact, it is sad that these blsphemers will have to spend the Eternity in agony.

John 3:18
He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.


Why do wish to laugh at the poor souls who reject Jesus and embrace an Eternity in Hell?


Yours in Christ,

Elmer


2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 04-17-2016, 06:29 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roland View Post
[...]
I should have given you the context: https://vimeo.com/162455052

Kind regards,

Roland


Jeremiah 6:21 Therefore thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will lay stumblingblocks before this people, and the fathers and the sons together shall fall upon them; the neighbour and his friend shall perish.

Best wishes for the people in Ukraine.
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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 08-30-2016, 08:51 AM

A tourist is leaving a Belfast pub one night when a man emerges from the shadows and levels a .455 Webley Mk VI revolver at him. "Catlick or Protestant," he asks.

Knowing that the wrong answer could get him killed, the quick thinking tourist says, "I'm a moslem, actually."


The man with the gun smiles, cocks his pistol and says, "Sure and if I'm not the luckiest Joo in Ireland!"


And they entered into a covenant to seek the Lord God of their fathers with all their heart and with all their soul;
That whosoever would not seek the Lord God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.
2 Chronicles 15:12-13
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Default Re: Muslim Jokes - 01-25-2017, 11:48 AM

New Year 2017
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Isaiah 66:15

For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.
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