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Around The World In 80 Prays: Playtime with Jesus - in India!
Around the world in 80 prays: Part one: India
Child: Dear Jesus, I pray that you take me to see all the nations of the earth, and all the corners of the earth, just like you say when you were tempted. Amen
Jesus:Heyyyy Kids, how about some playtime with Jesus?
Child:Yay!
Jesus: Which of the nations of the earth would you like to see tonight?
Child: I wanna see cowboys and Indians!
Jesus: Hold on tight, we’re going to India! Just kneel down and pray…
*POOF*
Welcome to India!
Child: *Retch* what is that nasty smell?
Jesus: That’s called “curry”. It’s a kind of spices they put on as perfume. It makes them smell like food, so that if here’s a famine and they need to eat each other, they at least taste good.
Child: Will they eat…Me?
Jesus: Of course not. First of all, you don’t smell like curry. Secondly, they don’t have famines any more because we Americans flood their markets with subsidized food that they are too lazy to farm for themselves.
Child: I’m still scared. They’re all around me, and they’re standing too close!
Jesus: Just slap them and they’ll step back.
Child: What? I’m not going to start a fight with them! It looks like here’s a million on them!
Jesus: Actually, there’s a THOUSAND million of them - a billion. But go ahead and slap them, they don’t hit back. You see, they worship a man named Ghandi, who taught them a thing called “pacifism”. If you hit them, they will do what they call “passive resistance”.
Child:What’s parsave residence?
Jesus: It means they’ll just stand there and let you slap them.
Child: But I don’t want them to stand there, I want them to go away!
Jesus: Yes, that’s exactly how they beat the British. I guess we’ll have to move on and find another part of India that isn’t so crowded.
Child: Where’s that?
Jesus: I think some of their mountaintops aren’t completely overrun. Here, let’s catch this bus:
Child: What bus? All I see is a big pile of Indians!
Jesus: That’s what Indian buses look like. Indians are too cheap to pay for a seat, so they sit on the roof instead. Come on inside, we have the whole bus to ourselves!
Child: Hello Mr. Bus Driver, where is this bus taking us?
Bus Driver: Lahore
Child: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?
Jesus: You can stop slapping him: Lahore is the name of the city the bus is going to. God gives sinful cities sinful names, so he’ll have an easier time remembering which ones to rain brimstone upon. For example, there was a city of sodomites, so He called it Sodom. And as for Bangkok - well, you get my point.
Child: This ride is so bumpy! Aren’t there any roads in India?
Jesus: There’s only one, and it isn’t any better than this.You can’t drive fast on it because around every corner there’s a herd of holy cows.
Child: Holy cow? I thought that was just an expression!
Jesus: No, Indians believe cows are holy, so they don’t eat them. This is a good example of the foolishness of worshipping false religions: India has more cows in it than any other country in the world. It also had more famines in its history than any other country in the world. These people would rather feed an animal than their own starving child.
Child: Where did they get such a crazy idea?
Jesus: Probably one of their gurus fell in love with a cow, married it, and had his heart broken at a BBQ.
Child: What’s a guru, and why would he marry a cow?
Jesus: See that naked guy sitting in the muddy gutter, smoking a peace-pipe full of hashish? That’s an Indian holy man. Trust me, that’s not a way to get many dates. I doubt he’s ever had a girlfriend. If it weren’t for the cows, he wouldn’t get any loving at all.
Child: Oh No! Terrorists are hijacking the bus! Look at their knives!
Jesus:Oh, don’t worry about that. Indians just look like that. Indians have diarrhea all the time - they need all the cloth on the turban to wipe their bottoms with. And the knives are idols that they worship, they don’t use them as weapons much. Anyway, if they hijacked this bus, what would they crash it into? There aren’t any skyscrapers in India. As you can see, most of their buildings are tee-pees.
Child: I think we’re in Lahor now!
Jesus: How can you tell?
Child: Look at the women, they’re dressed like sluts! You can see their bellybuttons!
Jesus: Very interesting….Let’s get off here, I’m going to see if I can convince them I’m a tartaric guru….
Child: What’s a tarantula-goo?
Jesus: Many Indians believe in a religion called Tantra. It involves, hm, how do I put this mildly….See that temple over there? See what the statues are doing?
Child: Ew! That’s gross! Look at those those ladies are doing to that man! And what that man is doing to that cow!
Jesus: Just wait til you see the Kama Sutra!
Child: Camera-soup what?
Jesus: Never mind. On second hand, maybe I don’t need any more wives. These Indian women have fine figures, but those annoying red dots on their forehead ruin their beauty. It looks like a tic on their forehead, and I keep wanting to pick it off. Either that, or it looks like someone shot them between the eyes. They look like corpses that have been raised from the dead - and take it from someone he’s actually been a reanimated corpse - that’s not pretty.
Child: Why do Indians think looking like a corpse is attractive?
Jesus: It comes from the zombie false-gods they worship. See how their skin is blue?
Child: Ew! That’s gross! Are there really zombies wandering around India?
Jesus: No, only their false gods are zombies. When an Indian woman dies, they leave her for the vultures to eat. When an Indian man dies, they burn him, and toss his wife into the fire with him.
Child: Can we catch another bus now? These dot-headed women are creeping me out and that freaky temple - can Indians really bend all over like that?
Jesus: Yes, they can, because of another false religion called “Yoga”.
Child: How many weird cults does this place HAVE?
Jesus: Nobody’s bothered to count. Anyway, Yoga is a cult based on a snake goddess. All Christians should avoid it.
Child: You don’t have to tell me twice! Can we go to some other country now?
Jesus:Sure, there other other countries that border India. For example, there’s Kashmir, which partly belongs to Pakistan and partly belongs to China. Both nations are the “good guys” - they are strong allies of the Republican Party. Pakistan’s strong rulers have been our best friends in the region in both the war against Russia, and the war against Islamofascism. China is a great land with lots of investment opportunity. You’ll never see any Chinese environmentalists whining about what happened at Bhopal.
Child:What happened at Bople?
Jesus:Americans generously gave jobs and chemicals to Indians, but the lazy, incompetent Indians spilled the chemicals all over. The Indians complained about being sick, but they’re sick with diarrhea all the time, how can they tell what caused it? And anyway, *I* caused it, to punish them for their sins.
Child:Wow - this place is horrible. And to think that an Indian movie just won all those Oscars!
Jesus: They must have had a quota or something. Indians movies are boring - no car chases, not even any kissing. And they’re mostly cheap knock-offs of western entertainment. For example, notice how all their music is ripped off from the Beatles.
Child:Is there any way it’s possible to bring salvation to this place?
Jesus: The last person who tried was Mother Teresa, and it destroyed her faith. She most likely died an atheist and went to hell, because of India. But on the other hand, there is an ex-Indian named Bobby Jindal. He has become such a good Christian that he even does amature exorcisms!
Child: Wow! So there IS hope! God Bless America!
Jesus: I will! And that’s also a happy ending for today’s adventure. It’s time to go home to the greatest nation in the world, and go to bed.
Child: God bless America!
Jesus: I Will! And remember, I’m just a pray away™! I’ll see you later, for another adventure in “Around the world in 80 Prays”.
Child: Dear Jesus, I pray that you take me to see all the nations of the earth, and all the corners of the earth, just like you say when you were tempted. Amen
Jesus:Heyyyy Kids, how about some playtime with Jesus?
Child:Yay!
Jesus: Which of the nations of the earth would you like to see tonight?
Child: I wanna see cowboys and Indians!
Jesus: Hold on tight, we’re going to India! Just kneel down and pray…
*POOF*
Welcome to India!
Child: *Retch* what is that nasty smell?
Jesus: That’s called “curry”. It’s a kind of spices they put on as perfume. It makes them smell like food, so that if here’s a famine and they need to eat each other, they at least taste good.
Child: Will they eat…Me?
Jesus: Of course not. First of all, you don’t smell like curry. Secondly, they don’t have famines any more because we Americans flood their markets with subsidized food that they are too lazy to farm for themselves.
Child: I’m still scared. They’re all around me, and they’re standing too close!
Jesus: Just slap them and they’ll step back.
Child: What? I’m not going to start a fight with them! It looks like here’s a million on them!
Jesus: Actually, there’s a THOUSAND million of them - a billion. But go ahead and slap them, they don’t hit back. You see, they worship a man named Ghandi, who taught them a thing called “pacifism”. If you hit them, they will do what they call “passive resistance”.
Child:What’s parsave residence?
Jesus: It means they’ll just stand there and let you slap them.
Child: But I don’t want them to stand there, I want them to go away!
Jesus: Yes, that’s exactly how they beat the British. I guess we’ll have to move on and find another part of India that isn’t so crowded.
Child: Where’s that?
Jesus: I think some of their mountaintops aren’t completely overrun. Here, let’s catch this bus:
Child: What bus? All I see is a big pile of Indians!
Jesus: That’s what Indian buses look like. Indians are too cheap to pay for a seat, so they sit on the roof instead. Come on inside, we have the whole bus to ourselves!
Child: Hello Mr. Bus Driver, where is this bus taking us?
Bus Driver: Lahore
Child: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?
Jesus: You can stop slapping him: Lahore is the name of the city the bus is going to. God gives sinful cities sinful names, so he’ll have an easier time remembering which ones to rain brimstone upon. For example, there was a city of sodomites, so He called it Sodom. And as for Bangkok - well, you get my point.
Child: This ride is so bumpy! Aren’t there any roads in India?
Jesus: There’s only one, and it isn’t any better than this.You can’t drive fast on it because around every corner there’s a herd of holy cows.
Child: Holy cow? I thought that was just an expression!
Jesus: No, Indians believe cows are holy, so they don’t eat them. This is a good example of the foolishness of worshipping false religions: India has more cows in it than any other country in the world. It also had more famines in its history than any other country in the world. These people would rather feed an animal than their own starving child.
Child: Where did they get such a crazy idea?
Jesus: Probably one of their gurus fell in love with a cow, married it, and had his heart broken at a BBQ.
Child: What’s a guru, and why would he marry a cow?
Jesus: See that naked guy sitting in the muddy gutter, smoking a peace-pipe full of hashish? That’s an Indian holy man. Trust me, that’s not a way to get many dates. I doubt he’s ever had a girlfriend. If it weren’t for the cows, he wouldn’t get any loving at all.
Child: Oh No! Terrorists are hijacking the bus! Look at their knives!
Jesus:Oh, don’t worry about that. Indians just look like that. Indians have diarrhea all the time - they need all the cloth on the turban to wipe their bottoms with. And the knives are idols that they worship, they don’t use them as weapons much. Anyway, if they hijacked this bus, what would they crash it into? There aren’t any skyscrapers in India. As you can see, most of their buildings are tee-pees.
Child: I think we’re in Lahor now!
Jesus: How can you tell?
Child: Look at the women, they’re dressed like sluts! You can see their bellybuttons!
Jesus: Very interesting….Let’s get off here, I’m going to see if I can convince them I’m a tartaric guru….
Child: What’s a tarantula-goo?
Jesus: Many Indians believe in a religion called Tantra. It involves, hm, how do I put this mildly….See that temple over there? See what the statues are doing?
Child: Ew! That’s gross! Look at those those ladies are doing to that man! And what that man is doing to that cow!
Jesus: Just wait til you see the Kama Sutra!
Child: Camera-soup what?
Jesus: Never mind. On second hand, maybe I don’t need any more wives. These Indian women have fine figures, but those annoying red dots on their forehead ruin their beauty. It looks like a tic on their forehead, and I keep wanting to pick it off. Either that, or it looks like someone shot them between the eyes. They look like corpses that have been raised from the dead - and take it from someone he’s actually been a reanimated corpse - that’s not pretty.
Child: Why do Indians think looking like a corpse is attractive?
Jesus: It comes from the zombie false-gods they worship. See how their skin is blue?
Child: Ew! That’s gross! Are there really zombies wandering around India?
Jesus: No, only their false gods are zombies. When an Indian woman dies, they leave her for the vultures to eat. When an Indian man dies, they burn him, and toss his wife into the fire with him.
Child: Can we catch another bus now? These dot-headed women are creeping me out and that freaky temple - can Indians really bend all over like that?
Jesus: Yes, they can, because of another false religion called “Yoga”.
Child: How many weird cults does this place HAVE?
Jesus: Nobody’s bothered to count. Anyway, Yoga is a cult based on a snake goddess. All Christians should avoid it.
Child: You don’t have to tell me twice! Can we go to some other country now?
Jesus:Sure, there other other countries that border India. For example, there’s Kashmir, which partly belongs to Pakistan and partly belongs to China. Both nations are the “good guys” - they are strong allies of the Republican Party. Pakistan’s strong rulers have been our best friends in the region in both the war against Russia, and the war against Islamofascism. China is a great land with lots of investment opportunity. You’ll never see any Chinese environmentalists whining about what happened at Bhopal.
Child:What happened at Bople?
Jesus:Americans generously gave jobs and chemicals to Indians, but the lazy, incompetent Indians spilled the chemicals all over. The Indians complained about being sick, but they’re sick with diarrhea all the time, how can they tell what caused it? And anyway, *I* caused it, to punish them for their sins.
Child:Wow - this place is horrible. And to think that an Indian movie just won all those Oscars!
Jesus: They must have had a quota or something. Indians movies are boring - no car chases, not even any kissing. And they’re mostly cheap knock-offs of western entertainment. For example, notice how all their music is ripped off from the Beatles.
Child:Is there any way it’s possible to bring salvation to this place?
Jesus: The last person who tried was Mother Teresa, and it destroyed her faith. She most likely died an atheist and went to hell, because of India. But on the other hand, there is an ex-Indian named Bobby Jindal. He has become such a good Christian that he even does amature exorcisms!
Child: Wow! So there IS hope! God Bless America!
Jesus: I will! And that’s also a happy ending for today’s adventure. It’s time to go home to the greatest nation in the world, and go to bed.
Child: God bless America!
Jesus: I Will! And remember, I’m just a pray away™! I’ll see you later, for another adventure in “Around the world in 80 Prays”.
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