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Default Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 07:38 AM

Friends, I really need all you prayer warriors to really pull out the stops on this one and pray like crazy.


As you might have heard, I recently began taking a medicine called oxycontin to cure a nasty hangover from which I had been suffering.


Unfortunately, nobody told me this oxy stuff is an opioid, and apparently you're supposed to drink lots of water when you're on opioids so you don't get "backed up."


Well I was already severely dehydrated from the hangover, and no, I didn't drink extra water when I started on the oxy.


So I'm really experiencing a lot of pain and discomfort now, and I can't seem to "go."




If Jesus doesn't come through for me soon, I might need to go to the emergency room!


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 08:03 AM

Stick with the plan, friend, don't give in to the demons. Try to stop eating for a few days. A few dark beers often does the trick or in a pinch you can use 15mg hydrocortisone suppositories. I guess the oxys will work for that just as well. It sounds like you're in a pinch, so there's one other very risky method I've done to myself many times heard about - but please promise me you will be careful with this one - I needn't warn you of the dangers of catching the AIDS if your finger slips so much as an inch.

While you are straining to push out your bowel movement, use your fingers to firmly push in on the area of your taint, right in front of your anus. Think of it as trying to actually push the end of your taint, into your anus. I know this sounds hilarious and ridiculous, but you will be amazed at how much this alleviates the pain and pressure of the bowel movement.


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 08:12 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole View Post
Stick with the plan, friend, don't give in to the demons. Try to stop eating for a few days. A few dark beers often does the trick or in a pinch you can use 15mg hydrocortisone suppositories. I guess the oxys will work for that just as well. It sounds like you're in a pinch so there's one other very risky method I've done to myself many times heard about - but please promise me you will be careful with this one - I needn't warn you of the dangers of catching the AIDS if your finger slips so much as an inch.

While you are straining to push out your bowel movement, use your fingers to firmly push in on the area of your taint, right in front of your anus. Think of it as trying to actually push the end of your taint, into your anus. I know this sounds hilarious and ridiculous, but you will be amazed at how much this alleviates the pain and pressure of the bowel movement.


Thank you very much for trying to help, but this sounds like it could be a gateway sin.

I'm thinking about having the neighbor boy drive me to the emergency room.


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 09:02 AM

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Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
Friends, I really need all you prayer warriors to really pull out the stops on this one and pray like crazy.


As you might have heard, I recently began taking a medicine called oxycontin to cure a nasty hangover from which I had been suffering.


Unfortunately, nobody told me this oxy stuff is an opioid, and apparently you're supposed to drink lots of water when you're on opioids so you don't get "backed up."


Well I was already severely dehydrated from the hangover, and no, I didn't drink extra water when I started on the oxy.


So I'm really experiencing a lot of pain and discomfort now, and I can't seem to "go."




If Jesus doesn't come through for me soon, I might need to go to the emergency room!
I'm terribly sorry re: your discomfort. I have gastroparesis so I know stomach issues all too well. I had to have a colonoscopy and they had me prep the night before with magnesium citrate (you can get at any pharmacy) and trust me, that'll clear you out really fast.
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Smile Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 09:07 AM

Yes, Mr. Machine. It is Harsha Shah your friend here. Yes. I am familiar with the problems of bowel movement as many friends of mine who are indulging in a diet that contains meat are experiencing these problems on a weekly basis. Yes. I am myself still being committed to vegetarianism and while that is not offering an immediate relief it would be able to harmonise your bowels in a few weeks. Yes.

I am hoping that this answer does not offend you but I am thinking that it is also biblical. I am still reading your Bible and vegetarianism is quite widespread there. In the genesis there is the vegetarian diet that is very healty, yes. "And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat." Yes, Mr Machine. I am sure that this will be very helpful to you. Yes.


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 10:11 AM

God bless you Harshah, were I not experiencing intense physical pain right now, I would sing hosannas to express how happy I am to hear that you are delving deep into the Bible.


Say, I kind of went on a drinking bender the other day. If I happened to have sent you any e-mails, could you please just delete them without opening them?

I think my grammar and spelling might have been bad, due to excessive drink.

Yes.


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 01:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
God bless you Harshah, were I not experiencing intense physical pain right now, I would sing hosannas to express how happy I am to hear that you are delving deep into the Bible.


Say, I kind of went on a drinking bender the other day. If I happened to have sent you any e-mails, could you please just delete them without opening them?

I think my grammar and spelling might have been bad, due to excessive drink.

Yes.
You will need 3 things friend. Prayer, Coffee, and cigerattes. Soon you will feel the lords grace pouring out of you!


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Jesus Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 04:00 PM



May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 05:51 PM

A quart of apple juice will fix you right up, Brother.


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 07:16 PM

Well the people at the emergency room wanted to give me an enema, and they thought it would be perfectly fine to have a (presumably) gay male nurse administer it!


Needless to say, I got the heck out of there.

I'm still in horrible pain.


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 07:30 PM

Friend, you are refusing all our suggestions to help you. Do you have a point to prove?


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 07:33 PM

Sorry, I'm in so much pain I can't think straight.

What do you know about self-administered home enemas?


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 07:46 PM

I've heard that removing the shower nozzle works best. Careful not to over-pressurize, for obvious reasons.

There is one last technique from the bowels of India. You need to consume around 4 pints of warm salt water. In between each pint, perform some moderate excercise such as squat thrusts or stretching. The idea is to encourage the water to slosh through your intestines.

After about 1-2 hours... get ready for the tsunami. Don't leave the house! This is a possibly Satanic yoga technique so I hesitate to recommend it - are you sure you can't ride it out with a couple more oxys?


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 08:37 PM

Brotehr FM.

You should be very careful here - there could be an heir on the way:

Ge:15:4: And, behold, the word of the LORD came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir.

We could be looking at the fulfillment of prophecy. If you attempt to "Cleanse the draught (Mat:15:17)", do it on a sheet of cloth or your wife's coat or something - we would not want a premature "total immersion" baptism...





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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-16-2016, 08:42 PM

Thank you brother Bathfire, this is most troubling.

Note I have no wife. If I am to give birth to an heir, this would not make him a bastard, would it?


I'm so confused!


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-17-2016, 12:47 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
Thank you brother Bathfire, this is most troubling.

Note I have no wife. If I am to give birth to an heir, this would not make him a bastard, would it?


I'm so confused!

This is the high price of letting the white man steal your soul.


Sing unto God, sing praises to his name: Extol him that rideth upon the heavens By his name JAH, and rejoice before him.-Psalms 68:4
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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-17-2016, 01:23 AM

I wasn't going to let that fag nurse touch my bum, but I'm getting desperate for some relief.

Currently looking for a place like this, but a little closer to my home.

I figure if it's a lady doing it, I'll still have some things to apologize to the Lord for, but at least it won't be gay.




I was especially intrigued by what the chef said:

"I was one that didn't really think I needed a colonic, and then once I actually went for it, I realized I needed it a lot more than I knew!"


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-18-2016, 09:15 AM

UPDATE:

Everything is back to normal. And no heir was birthed.


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Default Re: Please pray for an end to my unbearable constipation - 02-18-2016, 03:31 PM

A bit of a disappointment then. There was a fair chance that God had chosen you, much in the way He chooses who will live in a car-crash or earthquake - i.e. an event that to mortal eyes appears random.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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