[Roast Beef]

Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda

Hello Mr. Beef, and welcome to our friendly forums! The answer to your question is very simple. You see, a grateful heart is a happy heart, and that means you need to first understand what a foul, disgusting, offensive individual you are.

You might try this little mind experiment. Think of someone or something that offends you so very much that you would rather gouge your own dirty fingernails deep into your retinas in hopes you may never set your eyes on this thing. Take note of your emotion. Add to this the feeling you get when you vomit. Imagine being stuck in a room with the vomit of a dozen fifth graders. Imagine that smell and add this emotion to the first one. Imagine how you might feel if you were to learn that every day for the rest of your life, you would have to wade through a room full of fifth graders, aggressively hurling up school-lunch spaghetti-o's just to get to the corner where the someone or something that offends you is located. Imagine you are stuck with that person or thing for 20 hours straight. Imagine you must do this every day for eternity.

This is how Jesus thinks of you. He is so repulsed by you that He refuses even to listen to your prayers! No wonder when you feel so lost! He hates you and is ignoring you! When you die and face eternal damnation, He will laugh at you (Psalm 2:4), and why shouldn't he? You will have asked for it.

But....

There is Good News!

Jesus deigned to offer His Divine Immortal Life up for three whole days for you to have the opportunity to be forgiven if you only apologize, and believe in what the Holy Bible says about Jesus (Romans 10:9)! Is that not the greatest treasure anyone could find?!?

Gratitude, my dear friend, begets the happiness you seek! You will stop thinking about your own, trivial questions and curiosities, and want nothing less than to devote the rest of your life serving the King of Kings! You won't find anything else so worth your time! You'll find all the answers you're looking for and more, Jesus promises you that (Matthew 7:7)!

You do have a very fine name - are you of Anglo-Saxon parentage?


I do have one question, dear lady: does the Good News mean I'm allowed to keep Trixie, my superbly crafted and very expensive Any-Three-Ways-You Like "One Hundred Per Cent Safe, Always Ready, and Washable Alternative to Adultery."

[Mary Etheldreda]

Originally Posted by Roast Beef

You do have a very fine name - are you of Anglo-Saxon parentage?

My name is of no consequence. In Heaven, Jesus will give me a new one (Revelation 2:17) and I can't wait for the time when my name no longer invokes memories of the young slut who whelped out the Living God (Matthew 1:18)!

I do have one question, dear lady: does the Good News mean I'm allowed to keep Trixie, my superbly crafted and very expensive Any-Three-Ways-You Like "One Hundred Per Cent Safe, Always Ready, and Washable Alternative to Adultery."

The Good News means Trixie will no longer be a concern for you, for carnal meetings will pale in comparison to the treasures in Heaven! Even the most aggressively powerful burst of manliness inside your wife will feel like doing routine chores in comparison to the "high" you'll get knowing the real joy is in filling her womb with more soldiers for Christ! Things like physical pleasure will be naught but a memory, and the real euphoria will come from the anticipation of an eternal life that cannot be measured with words on this side of Heaven!

Oh you will be so profoundly blessed to work for a time when there is no man or woman (Matthew 22:30), and things like physical coupling is no more necessary than food or drink, which will no longer be necessary (Romans 14:17)! These will be but mere blips in your memory, a distraction from enjoying the real joy - Divine Intimacy with Jesus (not in a homo way)!

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by Roast Beef

You mean I don't have to wade through all of Leviticus and Numbers (!) and most of Deuteronomy before I get to the bits about God being our loving father who can't wait to have us abiding with him in Heaven for all of eternity?

Sweetie, Numbers and Deuteronomy are where some of the best action is! Don't you just love to hear about all of the babies with their heads being smashed on the rocks and about all the pregnant women with their bellies ripped open?!


Also, that part about God loving everyone, that's not actually in the Bible (He certainly doesn't love these babies and women mentioned before, does He?).

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Originally Posted by Roast Beef

I'm allowed to skip bits?


Are you sure God won't mind?

Never skip any of the Bible, and learn to memorize all of it. I live out the entire Bible, even if I don't understand exactly why (I'm a woman) but I know it's good for my soul and that's what Jesus wants me to do, which I must do if I am to go to heaven.

[Roast Beef]

Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda

My name is of no consequence. In Heaven, Jesus will give me a new one (Revelation 2:17) and I can't wait for the time when my name no longer invokes memories of the young slut who whelped out the Living God (Matthew 1:18)!


The Good News means Trixie will no longer be a concern for you, for carnal meetings will pale in comparison to the treasures in Heaven! Even the most aggressively powerful burst of manliness inside your wife will feel like doing routine chores in comparison to the "high" you'll get knowing the real joy is in filling her womb with more soldiers for Christ! Things like physical pleasure will be naught but a memory, and the real euphoria will come from the anticipation of an eternal life that cannot be measured with words on this side of Heaven!

Oh you will be so profoundly blessed to work for a time when there is no man or woman (Matthew 22:30), and things like physical coupling is no more necessary than food or drink, which will no longer be necessary (Romans 14:17)! These will be but mere blips in your memory, a distraction from enjoying the real joy - Divine Intimacy with Jesus (not in a homo way)!

Things might not be necessary for them to be nice.
I'm starting to get worried now.
How can anything be better than a wedge of ripe Stilton cheese and a draught of Shepherd and Neame Double Stout from England's oldest brewery? Or a wee dram of Bruichladdich from the Western isle of Islay?
I hope I shan't be expected to sing hymns of praise all the time!


(That goat mightn't be so bad after all, I'm thinking...)

[Roast Beef]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

Sweetie, Numbers and Deuteronomy are where some of the best action is! Don't you just love to hear about all of the babies with their heads being smashed on the rocks and about all the pregnant women with their bellies ripped open?!


Also, that part about God loving everyone, that's not actually in the Bible (He certainly doesn't love these babies and women mentioned before, does He?).

If I'm missing something in these Books of God's Holy Word, can you direct me to the more interesting passages in them?
All I've seen so far are instructions on how to make a sin offering and such.

[Roast Beef]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson

Never skip any of the Bible, and learn to memorize all of it. I live out the entire Bible, even if I don't understand exactly why (I'm a woman) but I know it's good for my soul and that's what Jesus wants me to do, which I must do if I am to go to heaven.

After some of the things I've reads from other posters here, I'm beginning to have seconds thoughts about the Heaven deal.
What do you suppose will be so wonderful about it?


(I'm feel I need some encouragement).

[Mary Etheldreda]

Originally Posted by Roast Beef

Things might not be necessary for them to be nice.

You're thinking short-term. "Nice" things won't protect you from Jesus' wrath should you refuse to love Him.

I'm starting to get worried now.

Not as worried as you'll be the moment after you draw your last breath, the moment you meet Jesus face to face, the moment you realize Eternity starts right then!

How can anything be better than a wedge of ripe Stilton cheese and a draught of Shepherd and Neame Double Stout from England's oldest brewery? Or a wee dram of Bruichladdich from the Western isle of Islay?

Um, because in addition to stinky breath and deadly bodily miasma, your fermented milk products will also come with an eternity of torment and pain. You'll be roasting alive for all eternity in the Fiery Pits of Hell, begging for a drop of water to cool your parched mouth. We'll be watching from our comfortable place in Heaven, laughing with the Savior (Psalm 2:4). You'll plead for mercy and will receive none. I wouldn't waste a drop of my own spit to alleviate your suffering, knowing you'd take that drop of spit and ferment it into some disgusting cheese-like product, the likes of which would make Velveeta look good, and then throw it into the eye of an unborn baby just to spite the Redeemer who Sacrificed His Life temporarily for you to have the opportunity to pay eternal homage to Him.

I hope I shan't be expected to sing hymns of praise all the time!

Don't be silly. True Christians™ will get to rule the earth (Revelation 5:10), starting with judging the very angels themselves (1 Corinthians 6:2-3)! If that doesn't float your boat, you might enjoy exploring the new laws of physics that will be in operation, as we'll enjoy a new heat source (Revelation 7:16) and new light source in God, not the sun (Revelation 21:23). Besides, you won't even remember the cheese thing, as we'll all have total amnesia (Isaiah 65:17)! This means we get to start over! Can you imagine! All the things in life you wish you could have done differently, all your regrets, mistakes, embarrassments, and shameful behavior will be forgotten. You'll get to be a new person and no one can take advantage of you or tell you what to do or think or feel, and you'll be happy to worship Jesus all the time. You'll find it completely joyful (Romans 14:17)!

(That goat mightn't be so bad after all, I'm thinking...)

What's a night spent in reckless passion compared to an eternity of feeling nothing but joy?

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by Roast Beef

If I'm missing something in these Books of God's Holy Word, can you direct me to the more interesting passages in them?
All I've seen so far are instructions on how to make a sin offering and such.

Gosh, aren't you a lazy kid! If you did your job and read the Bible already instead of making whiny excuses, you'd know that God hates lazy people (2 Thessalonians 3:10, 1Timothy 5:8, Proverbs 21:25, etc, etc).

I hope you'll repent for your laziness. Nevertheless, since I am a shining example not only of modesty but also of patience towards the retarded, here is an advice for you: why don't you start reading some of the sermons listed in my signature? They often cite some of the best genocide stories of the Holy Bible!


I hope that was helpful, sweetie.

[Roast Beef]

Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda

You're thinking short-term. "Nice" things won't protect you from Jesus' wrath should you refuse to love Him.

I hope he doesn't expect me to love him in a homosexualist kind of way.
I'd find that as bad as what was expected of me in my dream with that evil-eyed goat.

Not as worried as you'll be the moment after you draw your last breath, the moment you meet Jesus face to face, the moment you realize Eternity starts right then!

Do the clocks in heaven run really really slowly so as to stretch out eternity and make it seem as though it's going on forever, like waiting at an airport when every flight's been cancelled, or do they run very very fast, so it passes quicker, or are they stopped?
In fact...does the Bible even mention clocks. (Revelation must do, surely?)

Um, because in addition to stinky breath and deadly bodily miasma...

I think you should know I gargle quite frequently with Listerine and I had a full-body wash only last June. (It's cold in Yorkshire, and too-frequent full-body washes aren't recommended, though Gays are excepted, for some reason).

I wouldn't waste a drop of my own spit to alleviate your suffering, knowing you'd take that drop of spit and ferment it into some disgusting cheese-like product,

If your spit can be fermented into some disgusting cheese-like product then it's not like any spit I've ever encountered - but perhaps that's what Heaven does for a person?

.,.. you won't even remember the cheese thing, as we'll all have total amnesia (Isaiah 65:17)!

Amnesia? I've had that from time to time, most recently when Mrs Roast Beef found out there's another Mrs Roast Beef I was still married to. But water-under-the-bridge, as they say.

What's a night spent in reckless passion compared to an eternity of feeling nothing but joy?

Perhaps that eternity of feeling nothing but joy might be interspersed by an occasional night spent in reckless passion. I'd think the Bible has something to offer on those lines. Revelation seems to have something to say about most things - I'm certain there's a reference to some such hidden in there somewhere.
Bound to be.

[Roast Beef]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

Gosh, aren't you a lazy kid! If you did your job and read the Bible already instead of making whiny excuses, you'd know that God hates lazy people (2 Thessalonians 3:10, 1Timothy 5:8, Proverbs 21:25, etc, etc).

I hope you'll repent for your laziness. Nevertheless, since I am a shining example not only of modesty but also of patience towards the retarded, here is an advice for you: why don't you start reading some of the sermons listed in my signature? They often cite some of the best genocide stories of the Holy Bible!


I hope that was helpful, sweetie.

I hadn't realised that loving God entails loving genocide.


I am so glad I came upon this wonderful Landover Baptist Church web site or I might never have known that.


I feel as though you have just handed me the keys to an eternity of heavenly bliss, Blessed Basilissa!


(Tonight I shall send myself to sleep humming "genocide is good. Genocide is good" to the tune of "Onward Christian Soldiers, marching as to war".

[Mary Etheldreda]

Originally Posted by Roast Beef

I hope he doesn't expect me to love him in a homosexualist kind of way.
I'd find that as bad as what was expected of me in my dream with that evil-eyed goat.

Not to worry, dear! There will be no s*x in Heaven, homo or regular. We'll have new, immortal bodies and who knows what all that will include (1 Corinthians 15:42-44; Revelation 21:4)! Probably we won't have any more naughty bits. I mean, why would we? There will be no more marriage (Matthew 22:23-30; Galatians 3:28), which means no becoming one flesh (Genesis 2:24), no eating (Romans 14:17) so presumably no pooping. Besides, these things distract us from what we enjoy. Haven't you ever watched a great movie and thought to yourself, dang, now I have to pee! No potty-breaks necessary in Heaven! But I digress. No, I don't think Jesus' plan is to keep out all the gays (1 Corinthians 6:9) so He alone has the best opportunity to scoop up fags. It doesn't seem in His character (Leviticus 18:22), and despite His Holy Anger Management from the Old Testament Days to the New, Jesus is the same guy (Hebrews 13:8).

Do the clocks in heaven run really really slowly so as to stretch out eternity and make it seem as though it's going on forever, like waiting at an airport when every flight's been cancelled, or do they run very very fast, so it passes quicker, or are they stopped?
In fact...does the Bible even mention clocks. (Revelation must do, surely?)

We don't know a whole lot about Heaven, actually. We know it s talked about not less than 276 times in the New Testament alone. Scripture refers to three Heavens, at least. The apostle Paul was "caught up to the third Heaven," but he was given a Divine Gag Order to keep spoilers hush-hush (2 Corinthians 12:1-9).

Nevertheless, the Apostle John was did report a few things about the Heavenly City (Revelation 21:10-27), and let us know that Heaven possesses the "glory of God" (Revelation 21:11). Because Heaven has no night and the Lord Himself is the light, the sun and moon will become superfluous (Revelation 22:5). This of course will prove to be most fascinating for True Christians™ blessed to witness the birth of this new thermodynamics (Revelation 7:16; Revelation 21:23). I'm no clock maker so I don't know how time, or recording time, will work in Heaven. But doesn't it just make you all tingly inside to anticipate such Wonders?!?

I think you should know I gargle quite frequently with Listerine and I had a full-body wash only last June. (It's cold in Yorkshire, and too-frequent full-body washes aren't recommended, though Gays are excepted, for some reason).

Have they imported the toothbrush to Yorkshire yet? It's a humble little invention from the great and Godly state of Mississippi. We know it was invented in Mississippi because if it had been invented in any other state, it would have been called the "teethbrush."

If your spit can be fermented into some disgusting cheese-like product then it's not like any spit I've ever encountered - but perhaps that's what Heaven does for a person?

You'd be in Hell, remember? You can only get to Heaven if you accept the specific conditions of Jesus' unconditional love.

Amnesia? I've had that from time to time, most recently when Mrs Roast Beef found out there's another Mrs Roast Beef I was still married to. But water-under-the-bridge, as they say.

See, and if you beg God for forgiveness, and repent of your offensive ways, even He will adopt a kind of Divine Amnesia and forget all about it too (Isaiah 43:25).

Perhaps that eternity of feeling nothing but joy might be interspersed by an occasional night spent in reckless passion. I'd think the Bible has something to offer on those lines. Revelation seems to have something to say about most things - I'm certain there's a reference to some such hidden in there somewhere.
Bound to be.

I think you should read the book of Revelation! You could even share what you discover here, with True Christians™! Think of the insight you'll have!

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda

I think you should read the book of Revelation! You could even share what you discover here, with True Christians™! Think of the insight you'll have!

Oh, I so agree, Sister! I'm sure that Yorkshire Pudding's insight into the Book of Revelation will be every bit as deep and fascinating as all his previous posts and I for one am on tenterhooks.

I would suggest, though, YP, that when first reading The Bible you should start at the beginning and work your way through until you reach the end. Then stop. God put His books in that order for a reason, you know. Their sequence is no more random than that of The Ten Commandments (subject to the obvious anomaly of the 7th Commandment).

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by Roast Beef

I hope he doesn't expect me to love him in a homosexualist kind of way.
I'd find that as bad as what was expected of me in my dream with that evil-eyed goat.

There's nothing homosexual about being with Jesus, dear. Not even when He is in the middle when you and your wife do you-know-what.

Originally Posted by Roast Beef

I hadn't realised that loving God entails loving genocide.

That's because you have some weird unbiblical vision of God, sweetie. If you have read the Bible - just the Genesis and Exodus, for starters - you'd know that God enjoys genocide. Have you ever heard about the Flood? Have you ever thought about millions of babies that died in that Flood? All of them will roast in Hell forever, which is just what they deserve for not loving Jesus!

I feel as though you have just handed me the keys to an eternity of heavenly bliss, Blessed Basilissa!

Your incoming conversion to True Christianity is proof that my prayers for your poor soul were answered!

[Roast Beef]

Originally Posted by Basilissa

There's nothing homosexual about being with Jesus, dear. Not even when He is in the middle when you and your wife do you-know-what.

You have introduced an entirely new dimension to this well-known teaching of Our Lord (as I've learned I must refer to God's Holy Son) and I will think of it next time the third (or it might be the fourth) Mrs Roast Beef starts on that thing she does when she thinks it's time I performed my husbandly duty.
"Jesus is watching!" I shall shout.
"He knows what you are up to because he's right here, in our midst."
(I'm beginning to discover the real benefits of the advice I'm being given here. Yes - I think that just a little more effort I really might be able to become a Believer. PRAISE BE TO GOD!)

If you have read the Bible - just the Genesis and Exodus, for starters - you'd know that God enjoys genocide. Have you ever heard about the Flood? Have you ever thought about millions of babies that died in that Flood? All of them will roast in Hell forever, which is just what they deserve for not loving Jesus!

I can see it's all a question of tuning one's mind to the acceptance of bloody and gratuitous violence.
It obviously takes practice, but I hope to get there.

Your incoming conversion to True Christianity is proof that my prayers for your poor soul were answered!

I can tell from your posts that you are a very good person, Basilissa.

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by Roast Beef

I can see it's all a question of tuning one's mind to the acceptance of bloody and gratuitous violence.
It obviously takes practice, but I hope to get there.

Just take your time and read the Holy Bible. It's not as boring as you think! Most churches will tell you they want you to read it, but they just want you to concentrate on a few selected and usually taken out of context nice sounding verses.

Here at Landover Baptist Church we really want you to read all of it, and create your opinion about God, religion, and Bible-accepted morality based on what the Holy Bible really says, and not on what we would like it to say.

I can tell from your posts that you are a very good person, Basilissa.

Oh thank you, dear, that's very sweet of you!

[Didymus Much]

Originally Posted by Roast Beef

...I can see it's all a question of tuning one's mind to the acceptance of bloody and gratuitous violence...

No, it's seeing if will turn your mind to acceptance of bloody and gratuitous violence (done for His purposes, ofc.), once you comprehend His full glory as detailed in the KJV.

And you still haven't found my favourite verse??! Get reading, boy!

...It obviously takes practice, but I hope to get there...

NO no no . It takes faith, is all. And whether God picked you for Salvation when He foresaw the entire history of the Universe He was about to create. If not, too bad .

[Roast Beef]

Originally Posted by Didymus Much

No, it's seeing if will turn your mind to acceptance of bloody and gratuitous violence (done for His purposes, ofc.), once you comprehend His full glory as detailed in the KJV.

And you still haven't found my favourite verse??! Get reading, boy!


NO no no . It takes faith, is all. And whether God picked you for Salvation when He foresaw the entire history of the Universe He was about to create. If not, too bad .

I appreciate the time you have devoted to my religious education, Mr Much, and I apologise for not having responded sooner but I've been on a bender (if you should ever come across Somerset scrumpy cider be warned by me: never drink more than five gallons of it at one sitting) and for a while back there wasn't sure where I was - or even who I am.
I must confess I still haven't found your favourite verse. (The Bible, I'm finding out, does have an awful lot of verses in it, many of which make no sense to me at all).
May I ask for a clue? For instance, does it refer to dashing babies' brains out for the Lord?

[Mary Etheldreda]

Originally Posted by Roast Beef

I appreciate the time you have devoted to my religious education, Mr Much, and I apologise for not having responded sooner but I've been on a bender (if you should ever come across Somerset scrumpy cider be warned by me: never drink more than five gallons of it at one sitting) and for a while back there wasn't sure where I was - or even who I am.
I must confess I still haven't found your favourite verse. (The Bible, I'm finding out, does have an awful lot of verses in it, many of which make no sense to me at all).
May I ask for a clue? For instance, does it refer to dashing babies' brains out for the Lord?

I'm afraid Mr. Much cannot help you, as he is a confessed arrogant, atheist dick, and not to be trusted. He can, however, follow directions. As we are a loving community dedicated to illuminating the very Glory and Majesty of the Lord thy God, as preserved in the King James Holy Bible, we keep Mr. Much here and pray that he goes blind so that when he follows along on the forums with some perverted text-reader for the blind, he will finally hear the Word of God and thus be convicted of Its Truth (Romans 10:17).

In answer to your question, yes the Bible does refer to the joy we will have smashing our enemies babes against rocks (Psalm 137:9; Isaiah 13:16), as well as ripping them out of the wombs of their mothers (Hosea 13:16). In my opinion, this won't compare to watching the LORD force our enemies to get drunk on their own blood and eat their own flesh (Isaiah 49:26), smear their faces in their own poo like the dogs they are (Malachi 2:3), and fling poo at them in public for everyone to laugh at them (Nahum 3:6).

Doing unto them what they have done unto us is a time-honored method of Biblical justice (Deuteronomy 19:21). The Bible verse to which you refer is an example of the tit-for-tat justice the LORD will give us when He brings heathen nations to their knees for having the audacity to ignore or disregard Him (Deuteronomy 7:10; Psalm 18:47-49; Psalm 68:23). When Jesus comes back, I wouldn't be surprised to see Him force our enemies to say "Happy Holidays" until their tongues catch on fire and burn them from the inside out. Then we'll get to watch as the LORD buries them alive in their own feces, lol!

[Roast Beef]

Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda

I'm afraid Mr. Much cannot help you, as he is a confessed arrogant, atheist dick, and not to be trusted. He can, however, follow directions. As we are a loving community dedicated to illuminating the very Glory and Majesty of the Lord thy God, as preserved in the King James Holy Bible, we keep Mr. Much here and pray that he goes blind so that when he follows along on the forums with some perverted text-reader for the blind, he will finally hear the Word of God and thus be convicted of Its Truth (Romans 10:17).

In answer to your question, yes the Bible does refer to the joy we will have smashing our enemies babes against rocks (Psalm 137:9; Isaiah 13:16), as well as ripping them out of the wombs of their mothers (Hosea 13:16). In my opinion, this won't compare to watching the LORD force our enemies to get drunk on their own blood and eat their own flesh (Isaiah 49:26), smear their faces in their own poo like the dogs they are (Malachi 2:3), and fling poo at them in public for everyone to laugh at them (Nahum 3:6).

Doing unto them what they have done unto us is a time-honored method of Biblical justice (Deuteronomy 19:21). The Bible verse to which you refer is an example of the tit-for-tat justice the LORD will give us when He brings heathen nations to their knees for having the audacity to ignore or disregard Him (Deuteronomy 7:10; Psalm 18:47-49; Psalm 68:23). When Jesus comes back, I wouldn't be surprised to see Him force our enemies to say "Happy Holidays" until their tongues catch on fire and burn them from the inside out. Then we'll get to watch as the LORD buries them alive in their own feces, lol!

Thank you Mrs Etheldreda for this educational and informative post.
While feeling a sense of blessedness at having found this devoted and devout community of True Believers, I continue to be slightly confused because Mr Much doesn't come across as being very atheistic.
In my atheistic days, one of my pleasures was to set fire to churches (and mosques and temples and synagogues - in fact more or less any structure which looked as though it'd burn bright and hot) and I have to say I'd be surprised - nay astonished - to be told that Mr Much has a similar predilection.
However, I am bound to believe everything you tell me because you are an honest, sincere and very Godly woman, as anyone seeing your picture must know.
Now that you and your Brothers and Sisters in Christ have corrected my mistaken opinion that God is a wishy-washer do-gooder, I realise the importance of keeping on his good side so as not to incur his wrath and vengeance.
I am, therefore, very determined to do that - and if it means smiting that pair of Jehovah Witnesses who I see hanging around my locality, I'm up for it!