Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow. |
Thank you Pastor Pistle!
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I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 03:50 AM
So there I said it! He is hot. Jesus does need to control my hormones or else I will go to hell.
I think a good open confession is really good for the true christian soul.
So what do you think I should do to get over this? Stand up in front of my church sunday morning and tell them the truth? I know it is better to marry than to burn. But is he married? We could be like the Duggar family and have 17 kids. Oh yeah! Nevermind. I am sorry for being honest.
Lord rebuke me!!
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Thank you Pastor Pistle!
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 03:55 AM
Oh sorry. Here is the link to the perfect family. I wanna be just like them.
http://www.jimbob.info/
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LBC psychiatric outpatient. Progressing nicely.
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 05:37 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by NawtySeeker
So there I said it! He is hot. Jesus does need to control my hormones or else I will go to hell.
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if i were you i be more afraider of Miss.Sister BTB than of some ole hellfires, cuz when she read your post she gonna shrieks like a millon billon demons, an then she gonna snatch your beady eyes rite outta your head so you not be able to look wiv lusts at Mr.Pastor Zeke no more an then she gonna punch thru your empty eye sockets an rip out your nawty liddle brain so you not be able to thinks hornay thawts about her man ever agains
it all true
Last edited by Petal; 08-17-2007 at 05:38 AM.
Reason: i losted a word
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Christ's Cōnsiliārius
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 07:14 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petal
if i were you i be more afraider of Miss.Sister BTB than of some ole hellfires, cuz when she read your post she gonna shrieks like a millon billon demons, an then she gonna snatch your beady eyes rite outta your head so you not be able to look wiv lusts at Mr.Pastor Zeke no more an then she gonna punch thru your empty eye sockets an rip out your nawty liddle brain so you not be able to thinks hornay thawts about her man ever agains
it all true
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Yep, that pretty well covers it.
Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
"God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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Deaconess Gracious, genteel, kind, tender, and warm True Christian™ Sister
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 08:23 AM
I can understand how Women usually Lust after our very Manly team of Pastors.
However, as Petal has rightly stated, Pastor Ezekiel is already betrothed.
I shall have to go over to Sister Thumpers Mansion to calm her down.
She is so worried and concerned as we are running out of places to hide the bodies.
Sister Talitha
Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.
HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 01:44 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeker
So there I said it! He is hot. Jesus does need to control my hormones or else I will go to hell.
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Pfft!
Homersexuality is a CHOICE, so all you have to do is STOP being homersexual.
Don't be making excuses now, you CHOOSE to have filthy & unnatural lust over the very manly Pastor Ezekiel.
As for those homerones of yours... I suggest you get rid of them.
If only to rid you of excuses for your filthy lifestyle choice.
PS. You're a disgrace to your name!
If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
Last edited by SalvationSeeker; 08-17-2007 at 01:45 PM.
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 01:58 PM
Yes, Godly men such as Pastor Ezekiel have a special glow about them. The Holy Spirit does garb him about with a special aura.
Premarital sex is only a roadblock to holiness. You don't need to touch another person's body–or your own–to have a rockin' good time!
Abstinence: it's not easy but neither are you!
Last edited by nikilds; 08-17-2007 at 01:59 PM.
Reason: GARB??? Did I just make up a word?
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 03:02 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeker
So there I said it! He is hot. Jesus does need to control my hormones or else I will go to hell.
I think a good open confession is really good for the true christian soul.
So what do you think I should do to get over this? Stand up in front of my church sunday morning and tell them the truth? I know it is better to marry than to burn. But is he married? We could be like the Duggar family and have 17 kids. Oh yeah! Nevermind. I am sorry for being honest.
Lord rebuke me!!
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WHAT IS THIS!?!?!?!
Excuse me you vile, wanton little slut, but Pastor Zeke is MY man.
THIS will happen one day (hopefully soon). And I have already imagined what our first child will look like.
I REBUKE YOU IN THE NAME OF JESUS! You are no Christian. A Christian "lady" would know better than to hit on GOLDY men.
P/S: Sister Tali, thank you for your offer of help. If she tries macking on MY man again, I will need your assistance
Sister Petal is on the right track Or I will just take her "skeet shooting" like I did the last one
Miffed, Sister Thumper
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 03:35 PM
Thank you for the link, Seeker. A Godlier-looking Family I have not seen in a coon's age:
PS I see you found out why we call her "Sister Thumper" hee- hee! Now if you're still looking for a Man, I think Star Finder's still available
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 04:44 PM
*Horrified* I feel sorry for anyone who gets a crush.
Relationships of this sort suck. I gave up having crushes. Easiest thing to do.
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Senior Pastor VP of Evangelical Outreach On FIRE for Jesus
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 05:49 PM
Amen, Lionheart! I'm glad to see you finally have something useful to say.
Jesus tells us how to avoid crushes (lust) in Mark 9:43-48.
Pastor Billy-Reuben
Upon request I will cite scripture for all these facts in God's Holy Word.
✝ This is a Christian community and we worship GOD of the Holy bible, the only Living GOD. We worship Jesus Christ, Son of GOD and Savior. Anything else is absurd. ✝
Trump / Arpaio 2016 -- The Government We Deserve
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Senior Usher True Christian™ missionary to the Unsaved Kingdom A very nice young man
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-17-2007, 06:25 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lionheart
*Horrified* I feel sorry for anyone who gets a crush.
Relationships of this sort suck. I gave up having crushes. Easiest thing to do.
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Matthew 19:12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
I fear we may have underestimated the resolve of this fellow. Are you an admirer of Origen, by any chance?
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Thank you Pastor Pistle!
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-18-2007, 12:51 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde
WHAT IS THIS!?!?!?!
Excuse me you vile, wanton little slut, but Pastor Zeke is MY man.
THIS will happen one day (hopefully soon). And I have already imagined what our first child will look like.
I REBUKE YOU IN THE NAME OF JESUS! You are no Christian. A Christian "lady" would know better than to hit on GOLDY men.
P/S: Sister Tali, thank you for your offer of help. If she tries macking on MY man again, I will need your assistance
Sister Petal is on the right track Or I will just take her "skeet shooting" like I did the last one
Miffed, Sister Thumper
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Will you ever forgive me! I had no idea that you lusted over him too. You do make beautiful children together. Now I have no hope of helping to overpopulate the world. What shall I do now...
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-18-2007, 01:27 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeker
Will you ever forgive me! I had no idea that you lusted over him too. You do make beautiful children together. Now I have no hope of helping to overpopulate the world. What shall I do now...
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STAR FINDER!!! What did I just tell you?!
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Thank you Pastor Pistle!
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-19-2007, 01:49 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SUV
STAR FINDER!!! What did I just tell you?!
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Where is he and what does he look like?
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Thank you Pastor Pistle!
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-19-2007, 04:17 AM
I do confess that I do like the squint in pastor billy- reuben eyes. He is sending a godly message behind that flag! Amen!
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-20-2007, 12:14 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeker
Where is he and what does he look like?
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Last time I saw him, he looks like the galaxy Andromeda ... check out his avatar ...
1st Timothy 2: 9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1st Timothy 2: 10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works ...
1 Timothy 5: 16 If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed ...
Proverbs 31: 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness ...
Proverbs 31: 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness ...
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-20-2007, 01:46 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeker
So there I said it! He is hot. Jesus does need to control my hormones or else I will go to hell.
I think a good open confession is really good for the true christian soul.
So what do you think I should do to get over this? Stand up in front of my church sunday morning and tell them the truth? I know it is better to marry than to burn. But is he married? We could be like the Duggar family and have 17 kids. Oh yeah! Nevermind. I am sorry for being honest.
Lord rebuke me!!
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It seemeth to me that this "Seeker" creature may be just a little light in his loafers. I do know he's a Catlick, cause I live down the street from him, and he's got one a them Virgin Mary's in a bathtub things in his front yard, right next to the pickup up on blocks.
I didn't know he was one a them homers until just now...
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Thank you Pastor Pistle!
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-20-2007, 04:05 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Heller
It seemeth to me that this "Seeker" creature may be just a little light in his loafers. I do know he's a Catlick, cause I live down the street from him, and he's got one a them Virgin Mary's in a bathtub things in his front yard, right next to the pickup up on blocks.
I didn't know he was one a them homers until just now...
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I thought I got you arrested! It is biblical that you should lust over a virgin or even if you get a chance - rape one! Now run away cuz your face scares me!
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Re: I have a crush on Pastor Ezekiel -
08-23-2007, 04:48 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Billy-Reuben
Amen, Lionheart! I'm glad to see you finally have something useful to say.
Jesus tells us how to avoid crushes (lust) in Mark 9:43-48.
Pastor Billy-Reuben
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Also
Matthew 5:28
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
I can only imagine what trouble a woman would get into for lusting after our Godly Pastor Ezekiel.
Premarital sex is only a roadblock to holiness. You don't need to touch another person's body–or your own–to have a rockin' good time!
Abstinence: it's not easy but neither are you!
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