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Reload this Page Fatties must DIEt or...
Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow.

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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-03-2006, 02:48 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Sue Vera View Post
Pastor I'm Afraid....Please make it stop....I am getting such a Headache....
Me too Sister Sue.
I'm going to have to post another picture to take my mind off all this stuff............(hope it helps you too).
Name: Jesus BP.JPG Views: 116 Size: 26.3 KB


Sister Talitha

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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-03-2006, 02:51 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
Oh, YES! (Even better, it looks like he's hiding for us, Behind him, some Christmas Presents, Sister Tally!)
Last edited by SUV; 12-03-2006 at 09:41 PM.
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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-03-2006, 07:37 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Talitha View Post
Me too Sister Sue.
I'm going to have to post another picture to take my mind off all this stuff............(hope it helps you too).
Attachment 649
Sister, I have asked you politely, several times, not to post my picture on the Internet just before Sunday Services. The women twitch in the pews all morning.

Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
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Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6
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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-04-2006, 05:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
Sister, I have asked you politely, several times, not to post my picture on the Internet just before Sunday Services. The women twitch in the pews all morning.
Apologies Pastor. It's just that us Ladies prefer to talk about knitting and Kitties than all this Sinetificall stuff.


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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-04-2006, 09:25 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carlton Green View Post
Hem hem, What width is considered fat? I'm currently taking the Heather Hardwick diet.

What is considered fat? If you can "pinch an inch".

IF you pinch "four inches", shame on you. Stop playing with your naughty!

Seriously, if the person's height is not at least 2.2 times their girth, the package is rated "oversize". UPS imposes a surcharge for delivery of such unwieldy packages.

I wish Jesus would do that too--surcharge or defer package pickup, at least until all the slim and easy deliveries are made unto heaven.
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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-04-2006, 09:32 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by neko-lear View Post
what about those fatties who are fine with being fat?
or god forbid want to be larger,
What? "want to be larger"? You must weigh a ton.
Quote:
are you condemning them because they're comfortable with their bodies?
Yes, and I condemn your poor reading comprehension.

Quote:
also, not all the people who like larger people are gay,
there are plenty of straight ones out there, I know several of them myself

Then it's too bad you are homer, and cannot help the straight fatties
"sweat off" their leaf lard unless you are Richard Simmons.
I suspect you are Richard Simmons.


"neko-lear" Simmons, no doubt.
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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-04-2006, 11:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poetic Peter View Post
What is considered fat? If you can "pinch an inch".

IF you pinch "four inches", shame on you. Stop playing with your naughty!

Seriously, if the person's height is not at least 2.2 times their girth, the package is rated "oversize". UPS imposes a surcharge for delivery of such unwieldy packages.

I wish Jesus would do that too--surcharge or defer package pickup, at least until all the slim and easy deliveries are made unto heaven.
I think too strict as well as to liberal education are bad. Democracy wins again.

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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-04-2006, 11:34 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
I am trim and svelte. However, I HAVE been trying to store up extra energy for the coming tribulation. I may not have time to eat while JESUS is leading us in the final struggle.
Trim and svelte? You said before that 'god's preferred BMI is 37'. Therefore, why haven't you strived to reach this? *snicker*
But then again, trim and svelte by fundie xtian standard might be somewhat different to standards elsewhere. Your standards for trim, svelte and althletic may well be illustrated by the following t-shirt:
Attachment 652


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
Last edited by Rachael Van Helsing; 01-15-2007 at 12:37 AM.
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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-04-2006, 11:59 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Trim and svelte? You said before that 'god's preferred BMI is 37'. Therefore, why haven't you strived to reach this? *snicker*
But then again, trim and svelte by fundie xtian standard might be somewhat different to standards elsewhere. Your standards for trim, svelte and althletic may well be illustrated by the following t-shirt:
Attachment 652
Pastor Al is so good to you and all you offer is a crummy T-shirt?
Shame on you.
I can truly say that he has a wonderful stock of T's to show off his Godly Six-pack!!

Name: 68891320v2_240x240_Front.jpg Views: 75 Size: 13.2 KB

(available now from your nearest Landover Bapti$t shop)


Sister Talitha

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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


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Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-05-2006, 12:11 AM
Hey, I offered a nice t-shirt!! That prayer squad one's all plain. The one I posted has color and a nice picture of a cute little truck on it.


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-05-2006, 01:03 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Hey, I offered a nice t-shirt!! That prayer squad one's all plain. The one I posted has color and a nice picture of a cute little truck on it.
Oh, is that a truck? We all thought that was your backside. Strange how difficult it can be to tell the two apart at times.

O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-05-2006, 01:09 AM
Don't be ridiculous, BT. Whyever would I want to the Pastor of a fundie church to have a picture of my backside on a tshirt? I'm not the female version of Vinnie. Sheesh.


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-05-2006, 01:16 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Don't be ridiculous, BT. Whyever would I want to the Pastor of a fundie church to have a picture of my backside on a tshirt?
You are a woman. Nothing they do or want can be explained rationally, without reference to Satan, or else his little helpers, the Jews.

O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Rachael Van Helsing is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-05-2006, 01:41 AM
Well, rest assured, you can sleep easier. There will be NO pictures of my backside going on any t-shirts I send to landover or any t-shirts whatsoever. old


Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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demoncrat demoncrat is offline
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demoncrat is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.demoncrat is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.demoncrat is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-10-2006, 04:07 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S. View Post
You speak like a homer -- perhaps you need to look into homersexual lisp reparative surgery?

The following should not be viewed by those weak in their faith or by women.

Since I am an expert in all things scientifical , I would like to take a moment to debunk this physicalistic / mathematicalistical MYTH. It was propagated by homers many years ago to try to prove that God didn't, in fact hang the stars and planets in the sky like He says He did. They tried to explain it away with an "invisible force" that they called "gravity" that mysteriously "pulled" things. Imagine: believing in invisible forces!?

Anyways, you can't even get your WRONG science RIGHT! Satan has truly confused you, friend (or perhaps God has confused you). What satanic scientists would have you believe is that the force (invisible, mind you) between two objects is given by the equation F = (G * M1 * M2) / (r * r). G is the gravitational constant that some homer dreamed up while being anally satisfied as being 6.67e-11. M1 and M2 are the masses of each individual object and r is the mean distance (radius, if you will) between the two objects.

What is hilarious to me is that people actually believed this, but then all of a sudden, Einstein (the famous jew god-hater) came along and gave ANOTHER equation that was allegedly "right". Scientists cant even agree on how to hate God!!!! They just throw a bunch of letters into a mixer and pull them out at random to find a new "equation" to believe in.
Do you still have a ban on circles at Landover?
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demoncrat demoncrat is offline
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demoncrat is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.demoncrat is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.demoncrat is a sorcerer and idolater who follows false gods and will rot in Hell.
Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-11-2006, 01:43 AM
http://www.truthdig.com/eartothegrou...ion_makes_fat/
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see_the_light see_the_light is offline
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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-12-2006, 01:23 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poetic Peter View Post
I wonder, when Jesus comes, will He be displeased
having to hoist so many larders Home?
NO DOUBT BROTHER!

The wrath of God came upon them, and slew the fattest of them, and smote down the chosen men of Israel Pss:78:31

Quote:
Originally Posted by Poetic Peter View Post
DIET plans are requested.
Put your diet dish recipes and diet resolutions here.
How do you resist the temptation of food?

For myself it's simply a matter of cigarettes and booze.

Peter

PS: You will quickly note by avatars that all Landover True Christians®
are thin, ready, locked and loaded for a Second Coming soon!
Thy plan is sound and often tried by this brother of yours.

Fasting for 40 days is also feasible but lacking the strengh of Christ (whom I'm not worthy of fully emulating) a 500 calory diet is both efficient and punishment for the flesh.

Yours in Christ
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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-12-2006, 06:56 AM
Leviticus, chapter 23

"37": These are the feasts of the LORD, which ye shall proclaim to be holy convocations, to offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD, a burnt offering, and a meat offering, a sacrifice, and drink offerings, every thing upon his day:

Obviuosly this means a good old fashioned bar be que!!


39": Also in the fifteenth day of the seventh month, when ye have gathered in the fruit of the land, ye shall keep a feast unto the LORD seven days: on the first day shall be a sabbath, and on the eighth day shall be a sabbath.

July 15th, a week long bar be que! I missed this before. We have to correct our mistake.

Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


http://www.shangrala.org/Pictures/Christ%20Michael.jpg
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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-12-2006, 12:05 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
Well, rest assured, you can sleep easier. There will be NO pictures of my backside going on any t-shirts I send to landover or any t-shirts whatsoever. old
Pictures of your backside wouldn't fit on any t-shirts.

Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Fatties must DIEt or... - 12-12-2006, 07:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Pictures of your backside wouldn't fit on any t-shirts.
Are you saying Rachael is in THE FIRST photo?
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